You'll Invest Yourself in Me
I Thought I Told Ya This World is not for Ya
“Should I not let Mikey visit again?” Dr. Iero asks quietly from across the room. We’re in his office. I’m laying on one of those typical lounge chairs for shrink’s office. It’s actually the comfiest piece of furniture in this place. I can’t appreciate this right now. I’m still messed up from Mikey’s message. I believe him. Why would anybody as great as Dr. Iero care about me?
“I highly doubt he’ll be back.” I whisper, my voice a pitiful mess. My family is a bunch of useless assholes. They’ve always hated me, so they took the first opportunity to get rid of me. Now, they’re trying to spread their close-minded thinking onto Mikey.
“Gerard, he loves you. He will come back.” Frank assures. I’m not convinced. My parents will never let him back again. That was probably the last time I’ll ever see him. I’ll be stuck in this place forever.
“No,” I curl in on myself, my knees as close to my chest as my inflexible body can manage. I hug them closer. I’m a little broken ball. “No, he won’t.” I want Dr. Iero to give me the real hug that Mikey never gave me today. I’ve never gotten a full, genuine hug from anyone, ever. My mother never fully loved me, like a mother should, nor my father. It’s such a silly thing that I want so much.
As if reading my thoughts, he comes closer and puts a gentle hand on my back, which is facing him. He starts rubbing my back soothingly.
“Soon you won’t come back either.” I murmur. He stops his movements, keeping his hand on my neck. I feel him lightly kiss my shoulder and he keeps his mouth there.
“Gerard, will you turn over?” He mumbles into my shoulder, those movements more comforting than his hand. I shake my head. I don’t want to see those barrier-breaking, hazel orbs. “Please?” He pleads desperately. I slowly shift, his hand guiding me the entire way, uncurling me from my ball. His tired, hazel eyes take in my tear stained face. “I will never leave you. Not like the others.”
*
He left me. But, he’s not like the others, I actually care that he left. I don’t know where he went. I asked his assistant, Becca, multiple times where he is. She just keeps assuring me he’ll be back, but she won’t tell me where. She attempts the same soothing movements that Dr. Iero did. They’re not working. She keeps whispering reassuring things. Nothing is as reassuring as seeing Frank appear out of nowhere.
I wish that would happen. It doesn’t.
I sulk to the activities room. Katy is still sitting on the armchair I left her in a while ago, legs folded under her and hands in her lap. She never seems to want to be alone. She always watches others with her empty eyes, her plump lips in a pout. I think she has her vacant eye on someone.
I rush over to her quiet being. She looks at me with calculating, grey eyes. “What’s wrong?” She asks quietly. I grip her in a hug, feeling her fragile arms pull me closer. I need a true hug, from someone that’s not from my mind. She doesn’t supply me with one though.
“He left me.” I murmur into her shoulder. I feel her shake her head, I nod mine in return. “He did and they won’t tell me where he went.”
“I’m sure he’ll be back.” These people suck at comforting. “He would never leave you.” She holds me at arm’s length and gazes into my eyes, her eyes an infinite sea of grey. If her eyes weren’t so empty, this would be a little bit comforting. “He likes you too.” How the fuck am I not this observant? If I had empty eyes, I could probably know this shit too.
“No, he doesn’t.” My mouth clamps shut after that. I just admitted that. I knew it would come out sooner or later. He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t care for me.
“He gets the same look in his eyes that you do, whenever he’s in the same room as you. He has the same idiotically small smile you do.” She states. “He likes you.”
“Stop lying.” I mumble, pulling away from her. I need to get away from these people. All they do is hurt me. I stumble away from the activities room.
I wander into the bathroom. I check to make sure no one’s in here. Once I feel safe and alone, I pull myself into the corner, tears streaming down my face. I make myself a broken ball again. I should just stay like this forever.
Of course he would leave me, I’m just a burden on his shoulders. He has no attachment to me. I’m not special.
”Damn right, you’re not!” Ray sneers at me, making his way through the bathroom. His face is the sharpest shade of scarlet and scrunched up in fury.
”Gerard, don’t listen to him, sweetie.” Rachelle smiles sweetly at me, swaying behind Ray. Her hands reach out to tug me into a hug, but she’s too far away. ”You are so special and Frank will be back soon.”
”He’s never coming back for you.” Ray scoffs recklessly.
“Stop!” The chatter continues, despite my command. I cover my ears with my clammy hands. I can’t take this, too many words are flying at me. “Fucking stop it!” I scream at my mind.
”Frank left for a reason. He hates you, never wants to see your sorry ass again.” Ray snatches me up and pushes me against the wall, next to the sink and mirror. He lifts up his hand and curls it into a fist. I tense up and turn my head away from the fire ball. I wait for the inevitable impact.
I cry out in terror as I hear a sharp shatter. I open my eyes and watch in slow motion as the mirror bursts and cascades to the floor in millions of little crystals, causing a tinkling and ringing in my ears. Ray lets his grip on me loosen as he picks up a glass shard. He nudges it against my neck, nicking the pale skin. ”Did you really think your beautiful mind could make it in this world?” I try to squirm out of his grasp, making deeper cuts on my neck.
Rachelle is soothing me from behind Ray, chanting the same five words over and over again. ”It’s all gonna be okay.” How could she say that? Obviously, it’s not looking pretty sunny, when I’m being held at glass point by a hallucination.
”Is this real enough for your world?” Ray sneers, plunging the shard into my stomach. I never thought I would ever hear a squelch as sickening as that. My breathing picks up and tears sting my eyes once again. I look down and I’m met with my shattered, pink-tinted reflection in the glass. My hands fly to my stomach, getting covered in my warm blood instantly. I try to grip the weapon, but the blood on my hands cause it to become too slippery. I just end up with smaller slices on my palms.
I look at Ray’s screwed-up face with wide, disbelieving eyes. He starts laughing at my pained expression. He wipes his bloody hands on my shirt. He backs up and brushes his shoulders off, making his way out of the room. Rachelle elegantly makes her way over to me, tiptoeing in her ballet flats through the broken glass. She reaches out to me and guides her hand to the blade. She grabs for it and tugs it out, eliciting a groan from me and adding to her already impressive collection of scars.
Rachelle shushes me as she guides my body to lie on the ground. She cradles my head in her lap and combs her bloody fingers through my stringy hair. She leans down to kiss my clammy forehead, leaving a red stain. I blink at her slowly with a sleepy grin on my face. ”It’s all gonna be okay.” She soothes. ”Hush now and sleep.” Her words are so soft and comforting.
I take her advice. I let the darkness take over my beautiful mind.
“I highly doubt he’ll be back.” I whisper, my voice a pitiful mess. My family is a bunch of useless assholes. They’ve always hated me, so they took the first opportunity to get rid of me. Now, they’re trying to spread their close-minded thinking onto Mikey.
“Gerard, he loves you. He will come back.” Frank assures. I’m not convinced. My parents will never let him back again. That was probably the last time I’ll ever see him. I’ll be stuck in this place forever.
“No,” I curl in on myself, my knees as close to my chest as my inflexible body can manage. I hug them closer. I’m a little broken ball. “No, he won’t.” I want Dr. Iero to give me the real hug that Mikey never gave me today. I’ve never gotten a full, genuine hug from anyone, ever. My mother never fully loved me, like a mother should, nor my father. It’s such a silly thing that I want so much.
As if reading my thoughts, he comes closer and puts a gentle hand on my back, which is facing him. He starts rubbing my back soothingly.
“Soon you won’t come back either.” I murmur. He stops his movements, keeping his hand on my neck. I feel him lightly kiss my shoulder and he keeps his mouth there.
“Gerard, will you turn over?” He mumbles into my shoulder, those movements more comforting than his hand. I shake my head. I don’t want to see those barrier-breaking, hazel orbs. “Please?” He pleads desperately. I slowly shift, his hand guiding me the entire way, uncurling me from my ball. His tired, hazel eyes take in my tear stained face. “I will never leave you. Not like the others.”
*
He left me. But, he’s not like the others, I actually care that he left. I don’t know where he went. I asked his assistant, Becca, multiple times where he is. She just keeps assuring me he’ll be back, but she won’t tell me where. She attempts the same soothing movements that Dr. Iero did. They’re not working. She keeps whispering reassuring things. Nothing is as reassuring as seeing Frank appear out of nowhere.
I wish that would happen. It doesn’t.
I sulk to the activities room. Katy is still sitting on the armchair I left her in a while ago, legs folded under her and hands in her lap. She never seems to want to be alone. She always watches others with her empty eyes, her plump lips in a pout. I think she has her vacant eye on someone.
I rush over to her quiet being. She looks at me with calculating, grey eyes. “What’s wrong?” She asks quietly. I grip her in a hug, feeling her fragile arms pull me closer. I need a true hug, from someone that’s not from my mind. She doesn’t supply me with one though.
“He left me.” I murmur into her shoulder. I feel her shake her head, I nod mine in return. “He did and they won’t tell me where he went.”
“I’m sure he’ll be back.” These people suck at comforting. “He would never leave you.” She holds me at arm’s length and gazes into my eyes, her eyes an infinite sea of grey. If her eyes weren’t so empty, this would be a little bit comforting. “He likes you too.” How the fuck am I not this observant? If I had empty eyes, I could probably know this shit too.
“No, he doesn’t.” My mouth clamps shut after that. I just admitted that. I knew it would come out sooner or later. He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t care for me.
“He gets the same look in his eyes that you do, whenever he’s in the same room as you. He has the same idiotically small smile you do.” She states. “He likes you.”
“Stop lying.” I mumble, pulling away from her. I need to get away from these people. All they do is hurt me. I stumble away from the activities room.
I wander into the bathroom. I check to make sure no one’s in here. Once I feel safe and alone, I pull myself into the corner, tears streaming down my face. I make myself a broken ball again. I should just stay like this forever.
Of course he would leave me, I’m just a burden on his shoulders. He has no attachment to me. I’m not special.
”Damn right, you’re not!” Ray sneers at me, making his way through the bathroom. His face is the sharpest shade of scarlet and scrunched up in fury.
”Gerard, don’t listen to him, sweetie.” Rachelle smiles sweetly at me, swaying behind Ray. Her hands reach out to tug me into a hug, but she’s too far away. ”You are so special and Frank will be back soon.”
”He’s never coming back for you.” Ray scoffs recklessly.
“Stop!” The chatter continues, despite my command. I cover my ears with my clammy hands. I can’t take this, too many words are flying at me. “Fucking stop it!” I scream at my mind.
”Frank left for a reason. He hates you, never wants to see your sorry ass again.” Ray snatches me up and pushes me against the wall, next to the sink and mirror. He lifts up his hand and curls it into a fist. I tense up and turn my head away from the fire ball. I wait for the inevitable impact.
I cry out in terror as I hear a sharp shatter. I open my eyes and watch in slow motion as the mirror bursts and cascades to the floor in millions of little crystals, causing a tinkling and ringing in my ears. Ray lets his grip on me loosen as he picks up a glass shard. He nudges it against my neck, nicking the pale skin. ”Did you really think your beautiful mind could make it in this world?” I try to squirm out of his grasp, making deeper cuts on my neck.
Rachelle is soothing me from behind Ray, chanting the same five words over and over again. ”It’s all gonna be okay.” How could she say that? Obviously, it’s not looking pretty sunny, when I’m being held at glass point by a hallucination.
”Is this real enough for your world?” Ray sneers, plunging the shard into my stomach. I never thought I would ever hear a squelch as sickening as that. My breathing picks up and tears sting my eyes once again. I look down and I’m met with my shattered, pink-tinted reflection in the glass. My hands fly to my stomach, getting covered in my warm blood instantly. I try to grip the weapon, but the blood on my hands cause it to become too slippery. I just end up with smaller slices on my palms.
I look at Ray’s screwed-up face with wide, disbelieving eyes. He starts laughing at my pained expression. He wipes his bloody hands on my shirt. He backs up and brushes his shoulders off, making his way out of the room. Rachelle elegantly makes her way over to me, tiptoeing in her ballet flats through the broken glass. She reaches out to me and guides her hand to the blade. She grabs for it and tugs it out, eliciting a groan from me and adding to her already impressive collection of scars.
Rachelle shushes me as she guides my body to lie on the ground. She cradles my head in her lap and combs her bloody fingers through my stringy hair. She leans down to kiss my clammy forehead, leaving a red stain. I blink at her slowly with a sleepy grin on my face. ”It’s all gonna be okay.” She soothes. ”Hush now and sleep.” Her words are so soft and comforting.
I take her advice. I let the darkness take over my beautiful mind.
Notes
Sorry this is kinda short. It's probably because it was so hard to write.This chapter probably also sucks.I PROMISE YOU HE IS NOT DEAD! I would never. I should have put tragedy as one of the genres. Whoops! Too late now.
Stay extraordinary. Love you!
-Alex:)
\(O.O)/
2/9/15