Fortuitous Casualty

I woke up exhausted, as I do every day, and I went to school exhausted, and I looked in your beautiful eyes, and I was so, so fucking exhausted.
Gerard, I’m tired of being alive. I’m so tired of loving you and not being able to do anything about it. I’m tired of staring at your face when you look away, and studying your lips, as if I had the courage to try and kiss them.
I want to love you, and fix every beautiful part of your broken soul, and love your sadness away. I want to kiss you so hard that you forget what pain is.
And I can’t live with the fact that you’ll never be mine. I can’t live this life, and yes, your but a fraction as to why I’m doing this, but I swear I could’ve lived with it all if you had just been mine.
I hope you find no harm in my absence, and if you do, that you’ll heal. I love you Gerard, and I never want you to feel one ounce of hurt.
Yours truly, Frank.

I sigh as I put my inky black pen down, and close my small yellow notebook. It was mostly filled with letters to Gerard or lyrics, neither of which were worth looking at. I feel a warm tear begin to slide down the far side of my eye, down my cheek. I sigh deeply and lean back in my chair, quickly wiping the tear away.
I open my phone in haste, before clicking on Gerard’s contact name. I had to see him one last time.
“Hey,” His voice brings a sad, sad smile to lips, and a rush of adoration flows through me, only to be replaced by sadness.
“Hey, do you wanna meet up in the village and hang out for a while?” I respond, trying to keep my voice even.
“Yeah, sure. Meet you in front of the movies in twenty?” He asks happily. I respond with a yes and a quick goodbye, before hanging up the phone. I get up from my chair, away from my desk, and step over into my closet. I grab my navy blue vans and slip them on quickly, along with a black hoodie.
I sigh as I grab my keys and wallet, my head feeling heavy as I begin to walk to the bathroom.
I stared at myself in the mirror, rubbing my face as I study myself. I had dark purple, veiny rings around my eyes, due to constant lack of sleep, and my lips were chapped beyond the fixing of carmax. I was the definition of death.
I don't even attempt to fix myself, just turn away from the mirror and walk tiredly throughout my house, until I reach my front door. I walk out to my car, listening to the gravel in my yard crunch under my feet as I walk. I get in and start it up without enthusiasm, letting the stereo blast as I back out of my driveway.
The song instantly reminded me of Gerard. I didn't even have the strength in me to cry, though I felt as if I wanted to. Instead I just drive, still as the song plays.
I seemed to be hitting every red light, though it didn't annoy me like it use to. I was just empty, void of emotion, and It was better that way, because I needed to get this over with.
I pull up to the movie theaters and instantly spot Gerard outside the double doors, a cigarette in his mouth as he scans the parking lot. I park next to his car and unbuckle, shutting the car door softly as I get out.
“Frankenstein,” He greets me, smiling warmly.
“Gee,” I say, attempting to make my voice as warm as I could. It doesn't work. I already sound dead. He frowns at me, as if sensing this, and I smile in attempt to ease him. His frown eases into a blank face, but his eyes don't ease.
“What's wrong?” He asks, and for a minute I consider letting everything spill out.
And then I decide not to.
And then i decide if i'm going to die, might as well.
“I love you,” I say, my voice strong. He stares at me, confused.
“I love you too- you know that, don't you?”
“No, Gerard. No, I love you.” I wait for the words to click in his head, and when they do, I see then change in his eyes.
“I- I don’t-” He cuts himself off and stares at me, his mouth open as if trying to let out words that wouldn’t come.
“I loved you when I met you. You had an awful purple v-neck on, but you made it look like a fucking designer tux, I swear. I loved you freshman year, and I loved you sophomore year, and I loved you last year, and I love you now. I’ll love you when I die, and I’ll love you just the same as I did when I was alive.” The words sound hopeless even to me, they don't sound like a declare of romance, they sound like I’m giving up.
“Your scaring me,” He says, and I watch as tears welled up in his eyes. This was not how I talked. I didn't talk like I was a walking suicide letter.
“Don’t be scared,” I smile softly and tilt my head, wishing I could cry with him.
“Don’t say that.” He demands, reaching roughly for my hand. “Stop it.”
“Its okay, Gee, I just needed you to know I love you-”
“Why didn't you tell me then?!” He near yells, gripping my hand hard. “Why didn't you tell me before- before-”
“Before what, Gee?” I cut him off softly, looking into his desperte sad eyes.
“Before you stood here talking like you belong on suicide watch! Before I couldn't have done anything about it!” He’s not quite yelling, his hands now griping at my sides, holding me in place like he was scared I’d run. “You are not leaving me.”
“Gee,” I say sadly, looking up into his hazel eyes.
“Frank!” He yells back, gripping me harder. “You are not leaving me. You are never leaving me Frank.”
“Gee,” I say again.
“No, were going to your house, okay? Were gonna go talk there, okay Frankie?” He says frantically, nodding his head.
“Okay, Gee.” I sigh, leaning forward to hug him. I knew he needed it. He wrapped his arms hastily around me, hugging me tight.
“We’ll take your car, okay?” He asks, not letting go of me.
“Okay Gee.”
“Okay.” He sighs, letting his hands fall away. I turn back to my car, sliding back in the same time as he does.
“Were okay Frankie, your gonna be okay,” He says, more to himself then me.
“I know Gee.” I say, starting my car.
“Don't say it like that.” He cries out. “Like no matter what you do it's true! You have to stay, Frank!”
“Gerard-”
“No! I'll do whatever you want, okay? Ill fucking marry you, we can have kids! You can name them all! I'll get us a big house! I swear, just stop talking like that!” He cries out again, clutching my hand as I drive.
“But i know that's not what you want.” I respond.
“I want you to be alive!”
I continue driving, and before I know what it is, I see a large truck heading straight towards ours, untopping. He hits the car in front of us and they’re sent flying to the side, and just as I hit the breaks, they crash into my side of the car. I heard Gerard’s screams, and a terrible, screeching metal sound. I watch as the world flips, once, twice, and a third time. Something hits my head and a cracking sounds rings in my head, and I wonder if Gerard heard it too. The car settles, right side up, and I look over to Gerard, only to find he’s already looking at me. I smile, and then a searing pain goes through my head, and its dark.

***

I hear his yells as I watch the lights above my head, but were moving too fast to grasp what they really looked like.
“Frank!” He yells, and I immediately hear someone soothe him.
“Sir, its okay, he's going to be okay.”
I look over to find a paramedic by my side, gripping the bed I lie on, pushing it further from Gerard. I grip his arm to made him look at me.
“Tell him- tell him it's okay, tell him to take care of himself, tell him it's okay.” My words are near nonsense but he seems to grasp them, I see it in his eyes right before I pass out.

Notes

yikes it gets better guys bear with me