Feed the Flames

..::^~Ronan~^::..

’They say depression is a mental disorder, but they talk about it in different ways. Some say that it’s just a small hindrance of your mood, making you sad from time to time. Some say it’s different than that, that it’s more than that. I’d agree that it stops you from experiencing happiness all together. Sometimes, I don’t want to leave my bed, because I know I’ll have to face the day. I wake up, and I lay there knowing that I don’t even want to be alive. Sometimes I’m able to smile, but I know that happiness won’t last. It’s not permanent. It never lasts. Nothering ever lasts.

When I walk down the streets, I feel like I’m just a moving body with my mind travelling behind me. I lost her, and it hurts. I don’t think I loved her, I think it was the idea of it all that I fell in love with.

I’m starting to think that’s true.’

As I read through Gerard’s journal, I thought about when Gerard took me back into him memory; where he told me part of his past, and where he let me in. The same girl he had told me about must be the same girl he talked about in the book. Frank’s note said reading this was supposed to help me understand. Understand what?

I flipped through the pages as I lay on the bed in our hotel room. Cell was sitting on the bed next to me, reading a book. Well, she pretended to read a book – it was obvious she was too worried to do anything else. We knew she wasn’t happy with the fact that we decided to get rest before heading to Gerard’s dad’s. We also didn’t have a plan, so that may have been what Gerard and Ray were doing in the room that they shared.

I could tell by the dates on the pages that writing in the journal was not a regular thing for Gerard, but he kept up with it through the years. The last entry had been a couple of weeks ago, and I couldn’t help but capture my name.

’I’ve never seen somebody move so gracefully; she moves like an angel. For four hundred years, I’ve had no interest in another woman. However, today, I caught myself watching her as she danced in the studio today. Her happiness was my happiness. I finally felt happy.

I don’t know what else to do but to make sure I stay as far out of her life as possible. I’m so sorry Ronan.

I stared at the page for a moment after I finished reading the entry. So that was who had been staring into the studio a few weeks back. Still, I was confused as to why I had this – wouldn’t Gerard realize that it was missing? I looked at the time, and knew that Frank would be awake back in the states.

“What was the point of giving me this book?” I asked him through my thoughts. They were calm, but curious.

“You need to know he has a good heart. His bipolar disorder is just a façade to keep people away,” Frank explained. I still wasn’t used to receiving answers from him through my head.

“Well it worked, because I definitely want to stay away from him,” I joked around. The truth was, however, that the way I thought of him changed. Once, the thought of him made me sick, repulsed. Now, the thought of him made me sick, perhaps because I got nervous.

“I think you’re missing the point of a lot of the things in there,” he was quick to put the conversation back on track.

“Well, obviously I am, because the only thing I understand is the fact that you’re trying to force me into being with him,” I replied defensively. I didn’t get an immediate response, so I assumed that he was thinking about what he would say next. I took this moment to put the book on the bedside table and crawl under my covers. I made sure to leave a small light on so Cell could read.

“Just think about some of the things he’s saying in there. I’m going to bed,” he said finally. I didn’t say anything back, but turned over on my side to stare into the darkness. The only thing Gerard really talked about in his journal was how he didn’t want to be alive.

“Good night,” I thought, but this time to Gerard instead of Frank. There was silence in my head for a while, causing to me to think that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I tried to banish the thought from my mind so that I would finally be able to sleep.

“Sweet dreams,” he finally responded. A small smile spread on my face at his words, and I was finally able to clear the thoughts from my head. We had a long day tomorrow; and the drive to Donald Way’s house would take about an hour. We had to get Mikey and Mason back and something gave me the feeling that Donald wasn’t just going to let them walk out of the house. Gerard talked about his father as if he was intimidating, and to be perfectly honest, if something intimidated Gerard, then it definitely intimidated me.
____________

The car ride had been silent as we drove towards the Way estate. Actually, nobody had said a damned thing all morning. Cell and I were still clueless on the plan, and I figured that we needed to know what it was.

“Alright,” I interrupted the ever long silence, “What are we doing when we get there?”

“Well, I was thinking that we’d just like, walk in,” Gerard said as if it were obvious, “He’s my dad, not my nemesis.”

“You said that he’d exterminate you,” I pointed at him while I furrowed my eyebrows, “You led me to believe that he was dangerous and he wanted you dead.” I was extremely confused now.

“Oh, yeah, that was a metaphor for my hopes and dreams,” he laughed lightly and smiled at me. He looked so carefree, and that was something I also wasn’t used to. I was used to a PMSing Gerard who had crazy attitude problems with a permanent stick lodged up his ass. The new Gerard was a breath of fresh air, and honestly, I hoped that it would last. I thought back to how carefree Liam acted. I still cared about him, but I could feel the sting of him leaving me slipping away. Perhaps I could be perfectly happy without him.

Perhaps Gerard could be my happiness.

First, we had to get Mikey and Mason. I felt a little bit more at peace knowing that our lives wouldn’t be at risk, well, everybody but Cell’s. We couldn’t forget that Gerard’s father hunted Rogues. I was certain that’s what she was most worried about, and if not for herself, then for Mason. I had wanted to offer her words of comfort all last night and all this morning, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure if he would be alive or not. I didn’t have high hopes for him.

“Hey, Gerard, what are the chances of us spending a day in Rome? You know, I’ve never made it over to Italy,” Ray asked from the back seat, interrupting me from my thoughts, “There’s just so much history here.”

“But Ray, you have the most ancient thing in Italy driving the car you’re in right now,” I said as I patted Gerard on the shoulder and turned to look out the window. I saw a small smirk on Gerard’s face, happy that moodiness wasn’t causing tension within the vehicle.

We all finished the car ride in silence as we drove through rolling plains and low mountains. The air was fresh, and I wished that everywhere smelled like the outside here – fresh. You could smell the grass, and the faint smell of the nearby ocean. I was more than content as I leaned my head against the door and let the air enter through the open window. Part of me thought it was just the thought that I was in Italy that made everything so much better.

Eventually, the plains and mountains turned into a forest and a dirt road. The sun shone through the trees and was the complete opposite of the tormenting horror of the forest that surrounded Bal Voyeux. We didn’t drive through the trees long until we drove into a circular clearing. The road broke off into two directions, with a road going around opposite sides of the circle. The grass in the clearing was bright green, and neatly trimmed.

In the middle of the clearing sat a large tan Tuscany mansion that must have been three stories, with a brick colored roof. On the outside of the first floor was a wall covering the outside of the building with archways lined along the wall. Above that wall was the balcony for the second story. Plants littered the outside in intricate ways, and looked overall very homely. We took a right and drove around the circle, ending up in a large garage. Gerard turned off the car and sat the for a second with his hands on the steering wheel, his knuckles white from how tight he was clutching the thing.

“Here goes nothin’,” he mumbled under his breath before we all got out of the car. I had butterflies in my stomach, “Cell, you stay close to me. My dad’s going to know what you are from the moment we step in the house, if he already doesn’t sense you. I won’t let him take you. I walked very close to Gerard to the point where our shoulders were touching. I had to admit, I was scared. We walked through the door, ending up in a large room with couches and chairs set up as what seemed to be a labyrinth.

As we walked down the halls, I admired the paintings displayed on the walls, still walking close to Gerard. What seemed like just the next second, Gerard and I were in a completely different room. The door clicked behind us, and I looked around to see Ray and Cell were nowhere around us. Instead, a tall man that looked like a more serious version of Gerard stood in front of us. Mikey, he looked like Mikey, but a lot more formal.

“Gerard,” his voice was surprisingly deep. A smile grew on his face, and surprisingly, it seemed genuine, “you brought guests. I was expecting you, of course, since I stole Mikey. I wasn’t, however, expecting a very lovely guest.” He acknowledged me and opened his arms out. I studied him cautiously for a moment, and he noticed my hesitation, “It’s just a hug, m’lady.” To get it over with, I walked into his arms and gave him a very tense hug.

“Dad,” Gerard said with his usual clenched jaw, “This is Ronan. Ronan, this is my father, Donald.” I gave him an awkward smile. “He’s not gonna hurt you,” Gerard thought over to me in order to sooth my thoughts.

“She’s really lovely,” he gave me a last smile before Donald turned and walked over towards a table with a crystal whisky decanter, and poured a small amount of the brown liquid into a small glass, “So I assume you’re here for Mikey.”

“And Mason,” I spoke for the first time.

“Oh right, the filthy Rogue,” he cocked his eyebrow.

“Why did you take Mikey, dad? I mean, he’s your son,” Gerard said, changing the topic from Mason.

“Well, Gee, Mikey has been meddling in a few things he shouldn’t be. You know what I’m talking about; trying to find the ‘cure for vampirism’ as if it were a disease,” Donald explained. He looked like he had a bad taste in his mouth, and I wanted to assume it was the whiskey, but I had the feeling that it was the idea of a cure.

“Not only is it a disease, it’s a curse,” Gerard argued. I had known he hated what he was, and he was probably an advocate from Mikey finding a cure.

“It’s a blessing, Gerard. You didn’t wait long to until you got yourself turned into a full vampire. You were so excited about it too, and then you ran off never to be heard from again,” Donald looked at Gerard with disappointment, “I had big plans for you, son.”

“We’ll tell Mikey to stop meddling in that stuff, but you have to let him go. You can’t keep him locked up. As for Mason, I’m sure somewhere, or at some point in time, he used to be a good guy,” Gerard seemed like he just wanted to cut the bullshit, and sort everything out with his dad.

“Really? The Rogue?” Donald still didn’t seem as if he could believe that we would want anything to do with him. I think Gerard didn’t understand either, or care for Mason at all. However, he knew that it would make me happy to see Cell happy. As it had been put in his journal, my happiness was his happiness. I found myself slowly growing more grateful for Gerard.

“He’s actually a good friend of ours,” I said. By ‘ours’, I had meant Cell’s.

“Like the other Rogue you brought along?” Donald asked, and I nodded. It took a moment to dawn on me before the heaviness of his words dropped on me. It wasn’t long after he said that that I hear a distant shriek, which sounded a whole hell of a lot like Cell. The noise caused my heart to drop; they had Cell.

©Shannon

Notes