Just look over your shoulder

Chapter 4 “Do you think we’re soulmates?” I was right and the weather allowed us to come back home after 4 days. Gerard woke me up when it was almost midday and stunned with our bags he had already packed, saying that he couldn’t wait for me to wake up and when I asked him why he didn’t just wake me, he waved his hand and said that I needed my beauty sleep. I just laughed and stretched my tired limbs. We both got dressed and ate a quick breakfast before returning to the beach. The walk there was a bit taxing considering how little we had moved the last few days and also because the storm had unrooted a few trees, there was mud everywhere and the ground felt cold and slippery beneath our feet. When we saw the beach for the first time, both of us smiled brightly, ignoring the mess the storm had left behind. It was just good to be back. We put down our bags and went to work without hesitation. Gerard rebuilt a few parts of the house that didn’t make it and I started to clean the beach from dead leaves and branches. While I worked my way down to the water, I noticed a small item that must have been washed up. I expected it to be a box full of crap, but to my surprise, it turned out to be a wooden box full of old, dusty action figures. In the 5 years, we’ve been here, we only ever found 3 items on the beach. Mostly after stormy nights because the waves were higher and wilder, I think. It was never something useful and I can’t even remember what the things were, except for one time when it was a tin box full of old hard candy. We ate the drops within two days and got a bad tummy ache in return, but we weren’t complaining. I kept the action figures from Gerard, figuring they would make a great Christmas present. They looked like strange monsters to me but that’s what made me sure that he would love them. After only 3 weeks, everything was back to normal. The house was intact again, the beach as clean as ever and the weather was all sunny and warm. Not as warm as before, but still warm enough to walk around without three layers of clothes. As I said, it got never cold here, or even close. “What?” Gerard asks me, poking his head around the corner. We’re both inside, enjoying the luxury of four walls and a roof over our heads and relaxing after a long afternoon of fishing and doing chores. “Do you think we’re soulmates?” I ask again, rolling my eyes and grinning while stroking Robin’s feathers who’s sitting on my lower arm. He came back three days after we returned, unharmed and healthy as always. “Where did you get that idea from?” he asks and puts the new forks he’d been working on to the side before walking into my room. I shrug my shoulders and tilt my head to the side a little. “I don’t know, just a thought?” That’s not really true but I can’t bring myself to tell him the whole story about how I always secretly wished that we were soulmates and would share the same thoughts or could talk imaginary and confuse people around us. Gerard sits down a bit distant from me and looks me up and down in a mocking way. “What?!” I snap and feel myself blush under his stare. He chuckles and looks down, smiles in his lap and shakes his head. “Nothing it’s just..first you ask me if siblings can be in love with each other and now you want to know if we’re soulmates? You ask the funniest things, Mikeyway.” It’s true. About two weeks after we got back, I asked him that exact question. The one if siblings can love each other in the mature way like mother and father did. He just pulled a face and looked down like he did a minute ago. He never answered me so I figured he didn’t have an answer and I stopped being bothered. I’m not sure what made me ask in the first place. Maybe it was my subconscious wanting answers after the long conversation we had about boys liking boys and all, and how some things were forbidden by the law. I’m more than a hundred percent sure that it’s normal and natural for people with the same gender to love each other, because I’ve seen it happening with my own eyes, thanks to Frankie, but I’ve never seen something similar happening with siblings. I don’t think it’s wrong for the same reasons I said to Gerard before; love is love and everything is okay for as long as it’s on a consensual level. I wanted to hear Gerard’s opinion on it, but I guess he just never gave a thought to it, which is totally okay. It’s not a daily topic, after all. I just wanted to know if he maybe ever witnessed something similar around him in the years he is ahead of me. In moments like that, and really only in moments like when I desperately need an answer, I wish we were still at home and I could read about it in books or ask my friends or parents about it. How can I ever continue learning if there’s no one here to teach me? And I don’t mean things like Mathematics because that’s just boring and complicated, but about life, about history and important aspects and values. My knowledge stopped with primary school and that upsets me. Sure, Brian and Gerard taught me a few things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. Gerard knows a few more things considering his age prostitution, but I know he also complains about the lack of things he doesn’t know and probably never will know. I don’t like that he’s making fun of me right now for wanting to know things, and when I don’t say anything back to him, he sighs and skids a bit closer but still keeps his distance. He does that a lot now, just like I anticipated and it's slowly starting to destroy me, bit by bit. I can't tell him that though, so I try to swallow it down as always. “Aw, come on. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, what even defines soulmates? I know that the girls in higher grades always talked about their best friends being their soulmates, but is that it? Just friends?” He sounds sincere now so I look up again but keep my face stern. “No, I think..” I start in a weak voice and continue to stroke Robin’s head. “I think there’s more to that than being friends. They made us read that book in 3rd grade about two siblings who called themselves soulmates because they always felt it when the other was sad or needed help, even if they weren’t in the same room.” At that, I have Gerard’s attention, it seems because he suddenly looks very interested. “You mean like reading thoughts?” he asks and leans forward a little with big eyes. “Kind of? I’m not sure, I don’t remember much of it. All I know is that they called each other best friends even though they were sisters and I figured since we are also best friends and brothers, that maybe we were soulmates as well. You always know when I’m sad even if I don’t tell you” I say, finally daring to look him in the eyes. He looks bemused and says, “That’s because I’ve known you since the day you were born, Silly. But I can’t read your thoughts.” A short break, and then, “Or can you read my thoughts?” His curiosity finally makes me grin, but I have to shake my head. “Nah, sorry to disappoint you.” He does look a bit disappointed but half smirks when he says, “Man, that would be cool! I could use all the secrets that you keep in there against you!” I glare at him but he ignores it. “Hey! How is that nice? It’s not fair to sneak up in someone’s mind and steal their secrets!” He smirks even more now, kind of evil and wiggles his eyebrows. “Why? You keepin’ some dirty secrets from me? Anything you wanna tell me?” My eyes widen at his words and I let out a shocked gasp. It must scare Robin because he makes a sound and flies out my window. I cross my arms in front of my chest and shoot him an angry glare. “How dare you say that about me!” I say exasperated in a high-pitched voice, but he just laughs which makes me blush even more than before. He clearly wants to embarrass me. “If you must know, no. I don’t have dirty secrets and even if, I wouldn’t tell you! You always tease me about things anyway, so why give you another reason to. And also, they’re called secrets for a reason.” He stops laughing at that and defensively lifts his hands. “Fine, fine. No dirty secrets. Relax Mikes, I was just making fun.” He looks a little sorry and I take a breath to calm down. “Just don’t humiliate me, you know I don’t like that,” I say in a small voice and he looks even more sorry, though I can tell there’s still a tiny smirk behind his facade. “’M really sorry,” he says and scratches his neck. “To answer your question from before... I don’t know if we’re soulmates or whatever. I guess we are but without the ‘reading minds’ part. I do know when you’re sad and you always know how to make me feel better. Not even mother or father could do that, you know?” He smiles a bit and I feel myself smiling back, my anger subsiding. “Sounds good to me,” I say and scoot closer so we’re finally next to each other. I’m feeling vulnerable and I need his comfort even though he was the one who put me in that state. I miss him so incredibly much lately that it hurts both physically and mentally. Without his permission, I tuck my face in the crook of his neck and in return, he cards his fingers through my hair and down the back of my neck. “Why are we always fighting..” I mumble, barely audible but loud enough for him to hear. I don’t even care that I sound like a whiny child. I feel him chuckle and leaning his chin on my head. “’Cause we’re brothers. It’s normal. Also, you’re a stinker.” “Speak for yourself you butt.” He pulls back and looks at me outraged before his face turns into something I really try to avoid most of the time because I know immediately what he’s about to do. He’s in play mode. Evil play mode! “You did not just call me a butt, Mister!” he growls and I can feel his hands wander down my shoulders and arms to grab around my wrists so I can’t flee, which I was totally trying to do. He knows me so well. “Please don’t tickle me, I’ll take it back I swear!” I say so fast that I’m tripping over my own words, but he won’t have it. “Ohhh no, Mikey. Too late for that now!” he says and grins widely before tackling me to the ground, straddles my thighs and starts tickling my belly and that mean spot right under my ribs. He knows he’s not playing fair because even though I’m strong, he’ll always be stronger than me and right now, there’s no way for me to push him away, especially not when I can hardly breathe from laughing like a maniac. “Please stop! I said I take it back! I-can’t breathe like that- “ I try to gasp out under my laughter, but it’s barely working because he just tickles me harder with every word that leaves my mouth. He grins down at me and moves one hand up and under my armpit where he continues the tickling. He’s so mean, that spot is the worst and he knows it! A strange squeak escapes my throat and I wind my head from left to right while trying to kick him with my legs, but he’s barely bothered by it. “Please stop, I’ll do whatever you want!” Now, that was probably a mistake to offer, but he does stop and narrows his eyes while his hands grab around my lower arms so I can’t trick him by sneaking out from under him and run away. He leans down and stops just a few inches away from my face, so close that a few strands of his hair tickle my cheeks. He’s still grinning like crazy when he says, “Aaanything?” Now I really do regret what I said because I’m not too keen on the idea of doing his chores for a week or serve him or wave him cool air with bracken leaves. It wouldn’t be the first time. Gerard is a mean big brother. “You’re a mean big brother!” I say out loud and try to look annoyed but I can feel myself grinning. I’ll just tackle him down next chance I get and make him take it back. I can be mean too. (Little brother specialty!) We’re still in the same position, but now he tilts his head to the side a little and huffs out a breath when he says, “Give me a kiss!” Okay, that’s not quite what I expected but it’s definitely better than the things I had in mind. I roll my eyes and lift my head a little to press a quick peck on his cheek. Gerard grins when I lay my head back down and says, “Again!” I sigh but repeat what I did a second ago. “Again!” he says, a little softer now, and smiles down sweetly at me. “Gee, you already had two, the deal was one!” I say and can’t help but giggle a bit. There wasn’t a deal but whatever. He looks so funny from down here. His face is a little round and his hair is totally messed up and there’s a blush on his cheeks from laughing so much. And wow, his eyes are huge! His teeth are the funniest part though because it looks like he still has all his baby teeth. Of course, he doesn’t, but they’re so small and even that you could easily mistake them as milk teeth. “Last one, I promise!” he says and releases the grip on my arms a bit. “Scouts honor?” I ask and lift my eyebrows in a testing way. He rolls his eyes but never stops smiling. “Cross my heart,” he says and suddenly leans down to kiss me instead of me kissing him. It’s shocking for a split second because he’s actually kissing me on the mouth instead of the cheek I thought he was aiming for. It’s nothing new, we kissed each other dozens of times like that, but it usually only lasts a second if not less. This kiss right here is already going on for over three seconds and I’m confused and I don’t know how to react. It’s not unpleasant, but my belly does this weird swoopy thing again and I have to turn my head to the side to take a breath because the feeling gets too overwhelming. Gerard pulls back immediately and sits up straight on my thighs. When I look at him, he doesn’t exactly look shocked but more like, surprised? Confused? I’m not quite sure. At least he’s not mad or anything because that would seriously kill the mood. “Uhm.,” he mutters and nervously runs a hand through his hair. It’s one of his habits, like chewing on the tip of his pointer finger or biting his lower lip. That makes me smile and I lift my hand up to poke my finger in his bellybutton, all the confusion from moments ago washed away. He squeaks and slaps my hand away before he pokes me in the bellybutton myself and stands up. He helps me up and we brush the sand off our clothes that I apparently missed while cleaning up in here. Then another thought crosses my mind. “Please tell me you’re wearing underwear under that!” I say and point to the white dress he once again borrowed from me. His evil smirk is enough of an answer. “Gerard! That’s my dress and now I have your.. Gerard-Germs on it!” I whine and glare at him. He just honks a laugh and puts his hands on his waist, which looks really girly. “Yeah well, I would have put on something else this morning but if I recall correctly, someone was a Lazybone and didn’t do the laundry yesterday,” he says in a challenging way and taps his right foot on the ground. “But-“ I start but he stops me by patting his flat hand on the top of my head. “C’mon Mikeys, it’s just me,” he grins and I sigh and roll my eyes. “Yeah yeah. I guess it was my fault after all,” I say and wave my hand defenseless. “Glad you see it that way,” he says and shoots me another huge smile before wandering off in the direction of the door. As he walks away, I can’t help but notice the way the dress curls around his thighs with every step, and how deeply black his hair looks against the contrast of the bright white and how he easily could be mistaken as a girl like that because I didn’t cut his strands in a while. That reminds me of the way his hair smelled that night in the cave, like dry sand and saltwater, and my hands automatically clutch on my belly because I’m overwhelmed with that strange feeling that I came to notice more frequently lately. “You coming?” Gerard shouts from where he is, probably already down in the basement. Right, time for dinner. I nod dumbly to myself and slowly make my way to follow him, suddenly feeling sick. - Lord, have mercy because I am in misery. My eyes are weak from so much crying and my whole being is tired from grief. It’s been two whole days since I last sat a foot outside my room, except maybe for pee breaks, but that’s about it. If Gerard wouldn’t bring me food and water every few hours, I’d probably be unconscious by now, or at least extremely dehydrated, though I barely touch the things he brings me. The only thing I’ve seen in the last 48 is the ceiling because I haven’t even bothered to turn and lay on my belly, let alone sit up. The only light in my room is the faint sun rays that sneak through the sheets I hung over my windows the first night I started to feel like...that. I haven’t spoken anything more than ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘leave me alone’. Sometimes, my body would be shaken by heavy, involuntarily sobs and strange crying noises that I didn’t know I was capable of making. After those outbursts, I’d go back to staring at the ceiling again, not bothering to wipe away the tears. My entire body hurts, my face is puffy and probably red from crying, my throat is sore from trying to suppress those painful sobs and my bones and muscles hurt from all the motionless. I know my body hurts but I can’t feel it or be bothered by it because it feels so indifferent. There’s this dismal numbness that is slowly overtaking my body, my senses and, most frightening, my thoughts. When I was 7, I had a terrible asthma attack. An ambulance came and brought me to the hospital where they put tubes down my throat, glued stickers on my chest to check my heartbeat and fastened me on a cold mattress in an even colder room so I couldn’t move. It was disturbing and I still have horrifying nightmares about that incident. However, when I finally calmed down and could breathe on my own again, they put me into a room with a young woman who couldn’t be older than 21. It’s usually the rule to put kids in a room with other kids and adults with adults, but apparently, the hospital was packed and that was the only free bed so they gave it to me, saying I needed to stay a few more days to make sure it wouldn’t happen again and run some tests. My mother, who was with me the whole time and held my hand, was sent home when visiting hours ended, and so I was left alone for the night but she kissed my forehead and promised to be back early in the morning. She would even let Gerard stay home from school so he could come too. Of course, I couldn’t sleep that night, even though I was incredibly tired and exhausted from the events that happened earlier that day, but I was afraid it would happen again in my sleep and I wouldn’t notice and suffocate, so I forced myself to stay awake. The girl who shared the room with me was very quiet the whole day, but around 11 that night, I heard her crying. It started with soft sniffing but after a while, she cried her heart out. Half an hour after she started, a curvy nurse with glasses and a blond ponytail opened the door, closed it behind her and sat down on the girl’s bed without turning on the light. I guess they thought I was asleep, but I could hear everything that they said. It turned out that the young woman had lost her baby. Apparently, it was still in the early pregnancy, but it destroyed her like she would have lost it while she was holding it in her hands. The girl poured out her heart and the nurse listened to everything she said while occasionally stroking her arm or her shoulder. I’ve never heard so much pain in a voice. I had no idea how badly a heart could break. She said that her life would be pointless without a child. All she ever wanted was to see her eyes on a little version of herself but some higher force took it away and her heart right along with it. She said that she wasn’t sure if she could ever be happy again if she could ever find joy in anything again. The nurse told her that her child had gone to the stars for a reason and that she had to keep trying for another baby. That made the girl cry even more and I heard her whisper that it wouldn’t ever be the same, she had lost her baby, her baby, and since that was everything she ever wanted, she lost herself as well. She was broken beyond repair. “One day, you’ll wake up and it will feel okay, I promise.” That was the last thing the nurse said to the girl before she stroked her hair and left the room. It seemed to help because soon the sniffling came to an end. It’s the pain in her sobs and her voice that I remember until that day and I’ve never thought I could feel such pain, even prayed that I would be spared from it, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. Maybe not as extreme as what she went through, but it’s a close thing. Worst of all, I don’t know why. I honestly don’t know why. It started shortly after Gerard tickled me a few days ago after I watched him walk away. I wrote it off as another mood swing because I keep having those a lot lately, but I don’t think mood swings can get that bad, especially not without reason. That same evening, after I sat in my room and those strange sobs escaped my body, Gerard rushed into my room and wanted to know what had happened, but I couldn’t give him a proper answer since I had no idea what was happening myself. He sat down and wanted to comfort me, but it was like a switch was turned and I snapped at him, telling him to leave me alone. He didn’t deserve it, of course, he didn’t, but it felt like my body was out of control. He tried to help me a few more times but I kicked him out every single time. He told me that he was worried and begged me to talk to him, but I just ignored his pleas. - Another day like that came and went and now it’s my third day in this state. It’s almost like counting notches in the bark of the palm tree outside our house all over again. I’m tired and exhausted and my head falls to the side where I see a sheet of paper next to me on the mattress. I’m so tired and weak and it’s an effort to stretch my arm out to grab it, but I do it anyway. It’s a drawing from Gerard. He must have smuggled it in here while I was asleep. It shows him and me in the middle of nothing, just white around us and we’re hugging. He’s holding me tight while I’m sobbing into his shoulder. It hurts to look at it, but what hurts, even more, is that it’s not just me who’s crying, but him as well. Suddenly it’s like it’s getting too much, like the pressure in my chest is exploding into pieces and I have to sit on my hands and knees to let it all out and somehow manage to breathe. And then, to my utter surprise, I cry for him. I’m howling and bawling until I feel his arms around me and then I collapse against his chest, but thankfully he’s holding me up. Then it hits me: I’m scared of being lonely. Just like the girl was scared of the nightmare of spending her life without the child she hadn’t been gifted yet. I’ve lost so much already, my parents, my friends, my home. Losing Gerard would destroy me and break me beyond repair. I clutch so hard at his shoulders that I’m probably hurting him, but my body is on autopilot again. “Don’t ever leave me,” I say, or at least try to say after not having spoken for so long. My own voice sounds so strange to me and I’m shattered by the fact that I let myself slip that much into misery. I’m usually so positive and happy about everything and now it feels like I’ve woken up in another body. “Mikey,” Gerard says, but his voice is distant. Only when he pulls back and shakes my shoulders, I’m able to focus on my surroundings and on him through gleamy eyes. “Mikey, what are you talking about? Why would you think that?!” he says and I see tears escaping his eyes. “Talk to me! Did you do something? Why would you say that?!” Now he’s shouting and pulling me in again and I’m glad for that because I couldn’t stand a second longer of seeing his face like this. He wasn’t even that upset and drained after we got here, and that has to mean something. All the worrying about losing the only person I have left, my best friend, my family and my soulmate, all the worrying about us getting older and the too many nights I’ve spent alone since that night in the cave before and after, all of that comes crashing down like a meteoroid, without warning and it hurts so much. It was him all along, the reason why my brain shut down and made me act like that. Maybe it was a self-mechanism to my own protection for the day when I lose him or when he’s having enough of me. But it’s real and true and right here; I cannot live without him. I was born into this world to spend it with him and I’m praying to every God out there that the girl from the hospital back then didn't give up and got pregnant again and was able to love that new baby as much as the one she’d lost because otherwise..otherwise she must have gone over her own head eventually. I’ve been in this state for only 3 days now and I’m already at my limit. I couldn’t take much more of it, I’m pretty sure. In a weak attempt, I eventually try to explain all of this to Gerard, everything that happened the last few months, my worries about losing him and how much I need him in every aspect of life. I’m keeping the story about the girl to myself though because even she doesn’t know that I know her story. But I do, and I’ll keep it safe in my head until my last breath. I owe her and her Starbaby that much. “Oh Mikey Sweetie, my darling little brother... I need you to listen to me now, okay?” Gerard says in a very soft voice and wipes a tear from my cheek before continuing. “What I did in the cave, I did that to protect you-no listen to me,” he says when I try to argue with him about that damned protection thing. “Listen to me,” he says once again and I do so. “I promise I will explain it to you one day, and that day will come, but for now I can’t tell you. You know I don’t promise easy, right?” he asks and I nod my head. It’s true, he never makes a promise for nothing. He smiles very lightly and takes a deep breath to continue. “However, if I’d known that cut being close would bring you into this state, I would have never opened my mouth. I’m sorry that I did this to you and I’m asking you to forgive me, but Mikey, I’ll always be here okay? Even if we get older, even if we die as old, wrinkly men on this island, I’ll always be here. Don’t you know that yet?” When he’s done, he does the one thing he always does in the most important moments; he strokes over my left eyebrow and runs his pinkie up and down behind my ear. “Can you make that a promise as well?” I ask and my voice is shaking. My head feels heavy and I let it slip into his hand that is resting on my cheek. He smiles for real now, a sad smile but still a real one and says, “Yes,” and nods, more to himself than at me and takes my hand. “I know you’re tired, but you should come out for a bit. It’s already dark outside so your eyes won’t hurt that much, okay? Just let me take care of you. Trust me, you’ll feel better after a bath and mashed bananas.” I let him lead me down the stairs and to the beach. I even let him remove my underpants that I haven't changed in days, much to my embarrassment, but he doesn’t comment on it, and then I let him wash my hair and my body while I just sit there and look at the stars. After, he hands me a clean cloth to dry my skin and then dresses me in his white button-up and makes me sit by the fireplace where we eat together. The hot air from the fire feels good on my skin. I don’t feel numb all over anymore, though I feel like I won’t be back to normal for a while. We barely speak, but there’s no need to and by the time I finished my bananas and drank a cup of water, I’m so tired that Gerard has to steady me on the way back to my room. He stays that night, and the night after, and then a week passes, and then a month, and then we decide to use my bedroom as our bedroom and his room becomes a dressing room. He’s not always there when I wake up in the morning, but that’s okay because he’s always there when I go to sleep and after two months, on day 2.190, which happens to be Christmas Day, I’m okay again, because Gerard throws his arms around me and kisses me on the cheek when I give him the action figures that I found on the beach after we returned from the cave all those months ago. Late that Christmas Evening, when we eat our special Christmas dinner and I look over at the tree where I notch in the lines, I can’t believe my eyes. “I think... Gerard! It’s been six years, can you believe that?” I can hardly believe it myself, to be honest. I thought I would notice when I’d carve in the line that marks six years, but I must have missed it a few weeks ago while I was trying to put myself back together with Gerard’s help. “It feels more than that,” he says and shakes his head disbelievingly. Then he smiles brightly and says, “Let’s make this a great year, okay?” I smile back at him and nod, because yeah. I have a good feeling about the new year that will start in a few days. He’ll turn 18, I’ll turn 15, Robin is still around us day after day and we barely fight anymore, which is the most important thing, for both of us. I feel like my break-down a few weeks ago helped us renew our relationship because we’re both a lot happier with our new living situation. Who would have known?

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