Defenceless.

Chapter seven.

As soon as my mom and I are seated at a table, I can tell she has something important to tell me. She was normal the whole way over here, but now I could tell she was getting nervous.
“What is it mom?” I ask her, tilting my head at her. She smiles questioningly, but I can tell she pretending to not know what I’m talking about.
“Mom.” I say firmly, staring at her with a gentle, knowing face. She sighs ahd gives in, her face breaking into nervousness, staring me directly in the eyes.
“I met someone.”
The sentence leaves me without words, and I just stare at her. She opens her mouth, but no words come out, not for a good ten seconds anyway.
Eventually she says, “He’s a good guy. I promise Frank, he’s not like the others were. He’s a medic, and he’s so kind.”
“Okay,” I say after a minute, pursing my lips. “I’ll meet him. And if he’s like the rest of them, I’m leaving. As in moving out.” She looks blankly at me for a minute, before blinking a couple times, as if my words had blindsided her. She opens her mouth to protest, but after a minute she thinks better of it, and just gives an ‘okay’. The thing is, I adore my mother. I love my mother more than anything, but I can’t let that love hurt me, I can’t let it ruin me. My mother had awful taste in men. She had never been a bad person, but the men she picked were.
“I met someone too.” I blurt out, twisting my hands in my lasp.
“That's great honey. What's her name?” She says enthusiastically, smiling brightly at me.
“His name is Gerard.” I say it as if it's the normalest thing on the earth, though my inside are twisting. She, once again, looks blankly at me, before coming the the realization.
“Oh,” She breathes out, keeping quiet after that.
“I’d like you to meet him.” She stares for a minute, and I consider just getting up and leaving, because I didn’t want to deal with the drama of it- of her not accepting me.
“Okay, sure. When and where?” To my surprise she actually sounds happy, though there’s still a confused undertone in her voice.
“Maybe we could have dinner next week. At our house. I’ll cook.” I respond montonely, still bracing myself for something bad to happen. To my relief, she just smiles and nods, her eyes steady as she looks at me.
“I think that's a great idea.” She says, truly looking happy. I smile at her, and she smiles back, and for a moment everything felt like it was right.
After that we talked about all kinds if things. She asked about Gerard and his family, and if i was excited for school, and even asked me if i wanted to go school shopping in a couple weeks. We sat there for a long time, just talking, hardly eating, and actually enjoying each other's presence.
*
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*
When me and my mother finally went home, after two hours of talking and eating, it was quiet. The car ride was quiet, as was it at home, but it wasn't a bad kind of quiet. It wasn't like a void that felt like it needed to be feeled, it was like a quiet meadow. It was nice.
I cleaned my room up, and packed a bag of clothes for Gerard’s, and waited for his text. After refolding all my clothes in my dresser, I sat on my bed calmly, my bed sheets glowing due to the afternoon light flooding in through the window. I sat for a minute, listening to the quiet, before reaching underneath my bed and pulling out a box.
It wasn't that big of a box, but its contents held a big portion of my heart. I slowly opened it and stared at the stuff lying inside. I sat criss cross on my floor, letting my shoulders sag as I reach for a shirt at the top the the box.
I held it up and looked at it, a flood of emotions filling my senses. It had been my sisters, Blakely’s, shirt, her favorite shirt. It was just black misfits t shirt, a size small, but she wore it all the time. I place the shirt carefully next to the box, and reach for the next thing inside. Her Doc Martens. She had sixteen holers, which they don't make anymore, which made them all the more special. I set those aside to, and continued on.
There was multiple pictures stored in the box, all of them of me and her. She was older in most of them, they were taken within months before she died. There was one picture, a week before it happened, she had freshly dyed hair. She had dyed the tips black, and it had started to fade out, and she hated the way it looked. I remembered how when we were planning for the funeral, the cosmetic doing Blakey’s makeup and hair for her casket had asked if she wanted us to dye her hair back to blonde, so that it wasn't the faded mess it was then. My mother asked me what I thought, and I said we should just dye it all black. My mother looked at me for a long time, before nodding in agreeance.
Blakely had looked pale and fragile with black hair, but I knew she was a strong girl. She was brave, and beautiful. But now she was dead.
I take all the pictures, twenty at least, and find as many tacks as I can. I egin to put them up over my desk, and soon, there's a huge collage of pictures fitting perfectly together, that makes the room so much better. Blakely’s face is bright and happy in each of them, even if she wasn't smiling. I stare at the pictures for a while, and wait until I stop feeling both so very sad and happy at the same time, to continue on. I finish gogin through the box, and hold each item close to my chest, before putting them all away again. After that I just lie down. I lie down, and I stare at the pictures, and I let myself feel. I let myself cry for a while, and I let myself be angry, until finally, calmness flooded my body. I watch as the sun begins to go down, and the room darkens, and soon, there’s a knock at my door.
“Frank,” Gerard’s voice floats through the door, and I don’t respond. I’m too calm, to afraid that if I speak, I’ll lose the feeling. After a minute he just comes in, and walks over to my bedside, staring at me with confusion.
“Frank? Are you okay?” He lowers himself to eye level, and stares at me, and I still don't respond. I just manage a little smile, and I look back at the pictures, making him turn to see what I’m staring at. A small ‘oh’ falls from his lips, and he slowly sits down, and stares with me. I knew, somehow, he understood what I was feeling. We sit for a long while, until the sun is nearly completely down and the only light in my room is from the street lights outside. He turns to me, and softly caresses one side of my face with his hand, and kisses me gently. I kiss back, and let my lips move against his, until he pulls away. I sit up, and let the odd feeling fade from my body, and smile gently at him.
“Are you okay?” He whispers, his voice so quiet in the dark, that it sends another calm sensation through my body.
“I’m good. I’m so good baby.” I tell him, leaning forward and wrapping my arms around his. After a minute of hugging, we stand and walk out of my room, my bag in hand. I go to the kitchen where my mother is, staring down at mail from her spot at the table, absorbed in thought.
“Mum,” I say quietly, making her look up at me.
“I suspect you’ve already met Gerard,” I state, smiling at her as I hold his hand.
“Yes, of course, I let him in the house.” She smiles warmly at him, and waits for me to continue.
“Good. So I’m gonna spend the night at his house again, just wanted to let you know.” I tell her, smiling back at her.
“Okay honey. Be safe, I love you. Don’t forget to text me. And bye Gerard, it was wonderful meeting you.”
After we say our goodbyes, we leave the house hand in hand, going starighttp the car. Gerard gives me front seat, and he sits in the back as Mikey drives. Mikey doesn't question why we took so long, just smiles warmly at me, and begins to drive. At first I think it's because he just sensed something was going on, but then I realize he's not questioning us because I have dried tears on my face. I silently curse Gerard for not saying something, and proceed to try and wipe them roughly off my face. We get to their house rather quickly, and none of us hesitate going inside. We’re instantly greeted by the sight of their family, everyone’s dancing around, or laughing, or eating. Jay is smiling as she dances with a guy I’ve never seen before, a beer in hand. He looks at her lovingly as she waves to us, and not in a lustful way, in a real way. Like she’s the sun. Gerard’s older siblings are all laughing and dancing to, some with beer in hand, depending on their age. The little ones, everyine under 12, are either eating or dancing too. It wasn't like party dancing, it was just a family having fun. There are two children I don't recognize, so I ask Gerard about them. I actually ask Gerard about everyone, until I can piece together all their ages, full names, and if they’re all blood.
Jay was the first born (that they know of) and she’s 24. Her full names Jaylee Susuan Way. Then, there’s Gerard ( my baby) Author Way, 17. Michael James Way, 16. Alexia Quinn Way, 15. Hunter Lewis Way, 14. Tristan Evelyn Way, 13. And Then there were the two I’d never seen before, Jake Allen Way, 6, and Glenn Way, 4. They didn't live with Jay, though I’m not sure why, or who they did live with. All of them were blood siblings, as far as they knew, but Gee said they suspected that some of them had different fathers, which made me curious as to who the father and mother of all of these children were, but I don't ask anymore questions. I just smile as Gerard hands me a beer, and pulls me up from his couch, and holds me close. Though the room was chaos, he was still. I think, right then, I decided that was favorite thing about him. How still he could be in the right moments.
Soon everyone is worn out and or drunk, and we start to calm down. Mikey disappears at some point, and a couple others, and then it’s us who disappear next. Gerard tugs me up the stairs with a smile, and I follow unhesitatingly, my hand gripping his. He pulls us into his room, closing the door behind us, before calming starting to undress. I do the same, watching as he slips his shirt off, and looks me in the eye. I start with my jeans, and go on to my shirt, and soon we’re both nude. My scar on my leg, the one he felt when we were at the hotel, is in full display, and I know as he stares at me, his eyes linger a little to long on my thigh.
It doesn’t bother me though. It might, if I weren’t feeling so refreshed about my sister.
“It was a car accident,” I say lowly, stepping closer to him, seeing his pale frame in the moonlight. His window was wide open, letting cold air fill the room. “Blakey was in the passenger's seat. We had been fighting that day about something stupid she did. She had gotten high with some friends, but it wasn’t weed she was getting high off of. It was spice, and she didn’t know any better. She begged me not to tell our mom and dad. I picked her up from school the next day, and we argued over it again. But this time, it was more heated, she was more defensive. I said awful things to her about, said that she was stupid doing what she did, and she if she stayed on that path she’d be dead within years,” I swallow hard against my throat, and watching his face as he looks at me sadly.
“She had started to cry and yell, and when I yelled back, she hit me. And because of all the comotion, I missed a stop sign.” My voice is low and sad, and slightly shaky, and he drops his head against my chest.
“Oh baby,” he whispers sadly, as if he knows how this story ends already, and I feel a wetness on my bare chest. I realize he’s crying, but he doesn’t tell me to stop.
“The truck hit her side first. He hit us so hard that she broke her neck, and her skull. She was so fragile. She went into a coma, and she died three weeks later. She died, just like I had told her she would, only she died because of me. The doctors said that if she would’ve woke up, she’d be paralyzed.” Tears fall down my face, and he looks up at me, placing a hand on my face.
“I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” He whispers, his voice low and hoarse. I kiss him, hard, and we fell back onto the bed, my full weight on his body. His hands grip my body softly, lovingly, but his kisses are passionate. Our tears make our faces wet as we kiss, and i taste salt, but he doesn't seem to notice or care.
Soon we begin to still, and I’m left lying next to him, both of us staring at each other in the moonlight. His pale frame is slender, more slender then I’ve noticed before, but he’s perfect. He’s so pale against his black sheets that the contrast is vivid, and I can't keep my eyes off of him.
Eventually we fall asleep, despite our unwillingness to look away from each other. I hold him tight against my chest, and he grips my waist tighter, and we fall asleep like that.
*
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*
I swing my legs on the counter as Gerard continually moves around, always in motion, always doing something.
“Gerard, can I have eggs please?” Tristan asks, brushing her long blonde hair as she stepped down the stairs.
“Sure, just let me get another pot of coffee made.” He tells her as he places toast in front of Hunter, and goes over to the cupboard, grabbing coffee grinds.
“Babe, y’know I can help you-”
“Love, I’ve already told you I’ve got this.” Gerard replies with a sigh. I loom over at Mikey, who just shrugs, making me sigh. I ignore Gerard’s stare as I get up off the counter, and search around for a pan. I find a nicely sized one for eggs, and grab the eggs and butter, before turning to Tristan.
“How do you like your eggs?” I ask her smiling gently.
“Scrambled.” She responds with a mutual smile, her head slightly tilted. I nod and turn on the stove, before buttering it.
“I like your boyfriend, Gee.” Tristan says approvingly. I smile to myself as Gerard chuckles.
“I know. Me too. I got lucky.” He responds, coming up behind me and kissing my head. I grin as I continue making the eggs, Gerard and I moving in sync, until were both done in the kitchen. When I look up from making Tristan’s eggs, Gerard’s still making people toast, with jam, and butter, and all kinds of shit. Jay had come down stairs at some point, and caught my eye as I looked up.
“It’s like watching a happily married couple in the kitchen,” She says with admiration, as I swiftly dodge Gee with a hot pan, as he goes to get the strawberry jam. I just grin and set Tristan’s eggs in front of her, before turning to Gerard. His back is turned away from me, so I just wrap my arms around his waist tightly, the top of my head just barely reaching his neck. He turns and kisses my forehead, before kissing my lips,and I let go so he can continue. Soon very one is fed, and me and Gerard settle down with cups of coffee, sitting with everyone else at the table. The house is loud, and I found myself basking in the sound, loving it compared to the empty, quiet sound of my own house. I watched as Gerard interacted with everyone, his voice loud and happy. He sounded so unbelievably happy right then, that it made it seem like everything else was irrelevant, our issues didn't even matter. But really, as long as we had each other, they didn't.

Notes