Famous Last Words

“It was a dream, Mikes, just a dream, it’s ok.”

I pulled back from his embrace. After everything I’d experienced so far, after what Bob had told us, I just couldn’t believe he was still insisting I was making all of this all up. My tears dried up in an instant, but the stress of the incident leaving me struggling to breathe.

“Why won’t you believe me,” I hiccupped through the simple question; I must have sounded like a small child after a crying fit.
“Mikey, I do believe you, I do, but…”
"I want to go home, Gee," I softly whispered into his shoulder.
"Mikes, the album..." he stammered, pulling back and looking into my bloodshot eyes. "We can't stop now. We've put our hearts and souls into it."
"And I'm losing my soul in this house!" I snapped, shocked at his response. How could he choose work over family?
"Well, where's your heart, then?" he almost growled.
"Don't make me hate you, Gee," I pleaded. From the look on his face, my words seemed to make him think about what he was asking me to do.
"Are... Are you saying that you won't be able to forgive me if I ask you to stay?"

I gathered myself together as best I could and looked at him directly in the eyes - it was important that he understood how serious I was.

"What I'm saying is, there's nothing you can say that'll stop me going home."

I could see it in his eyes - the conflict. Torn between sympathy and anger. He loved me but I was ruining the album. I had no idea in that moment which would win out.

“Gee, you have to get your head out of the sand!”

I turned my head and stared open mouthed at Frank, and without even looking, I knew that Gerard had done the same.

“He’s not a kid afraid of the dark, Gee…”
“I didn’t say he was!” Gerard interrupted, snapping angrily at the suggestion.
“You didn’t have to say it, Gee,” Frank spoke in a strangely calming voice, almost forcing Gerard to listen to him.
“It’s not what I think either,” he replied, all the anger having dropped from his tone.
“But you’re pretending it’s not happening!”
“I’m not saying it’s not real, I’m…”
“Ignoring it? Saying it’s something else?”

Gerard’s mouth drew into a thin line as he saw where the conversation was going and knowing all too painfully well that Frank was right.

“Putting your head in the sand?” Frank added, repeating his comment from earlier.
“I just don’t know what to do,” Gerard admitted lowering his head.

This time it was my opportunity to comfort him and I pulled him back into the hug that was so readily offered to me only moments earlier.

“Gee, I know you’re scared…”
“I’m not, Mikes, I’m here for you.”
“Just admit it!” Ray snapped, irritated by the flow of the conversation.

We all turned and simply stared at him. It was so out of character. Don’t get me wrong, Ray can get angry and when he does lose his temper, woe betide the person who got him to that state. But it takes a lot to anger Ray, a lot more than this.

“Ray?”

It was Frank that finally spoke up.

“Mikey’s not the only one being affected by all this.”
“I know,” Gerard nodded. “Bob told us…”
“Not Bob.”
“Frank, please,” Ray’s voice was small and he had half turned away. “It was a dream, just a dream.”
“Ray, that was no dream!”
“What happened?” Gerard asked anxiously.
“Frank, no,” Ray warned.

Frank sighed. I could tell that Ray really didn’t want the story told. I wasn’t sure if it was to stop me being afraid or because he was embarrassed.Either way, he wanted to Frank to shut up and he really looked as though he might actually make him.

“Ray, there’s no shame in…”
“Really? Really? Is that why you’re not telling them what happened to you?” Ray snapped back, his expression still one of anger.
“Because it was nothing, or it didn’t seem so at the time. Maybe it is, maybe I should… I don’t know! Is any of this helping?”
“For what it’s worth,” Bob began, having remained silent the whole time. “I think that if we share our experiences, it’ll help us accept what’s happening. Individually, we feel like we’re going crazy. Mikes, I gotta say it, even if no one else does, this room gives me the creeps! I’m not surprised you leave it so often.”
“You know?” I gasped, turning to look at Gerard. Had he told everyone? “You made fun of me?”
Gerard shook his head vigorously. “No! No, nothing like that! But, I have been hypocritical, Mikes, I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused by his reply.
“I’ve been telling you there’s nothing to worry about, but telling the guys how concerned I am. I’m confused and scared, about you, about this place and what it’s doing to all of us. There, I’ve said it!” Gerard took a deep breath as if cleansing himself of inner demons. “Maybe it’s time to compare notes?”

A series of silent nods of agreement answered Gerard’s question and I slipped out of bed to join them in their trek down to the kitchen. I had a feeling this would be a long night.

"I'll stay, Gee," I whispered.

Somehow not being the only one had made it bearable and it made me feel able to stay - if only because I was worried for them! But in truth, I was still unsure if I'd regret the decision.

"I'm sorry, Mikey, I'm really sorry. If you need to go home, that's fine, we can sort something out. We..."
"I'll stay, it's okay." I took his hands. "I don't feel like I'm going crazy any more. Not unless we all are."

Gerard smiled thinly at me before drawing me in for a comforting and supportive hug. It had never even occurred to me that he could have been afraid and I I felt guilty. I hugged back with as much comfort as I was able to offer.

*

I hadn’t realised what time it was; I thought it was still night. We had all gone to bed very late, but I had assumed that it was only an hour later or even less. I was surprised to see that the beginnings of dawn breaking through the windows beyond my room. It was difficult to tell what time of day it was in my room. The heavy drapes kept all of the light out, but even when open, the room seemed to exude a sense of gloom and despair that seemed to exclude time. In my room, it was permanently night and always terrifying.

By contrast, the kitchen, with its wide windows, seemed like a breath of fresh air, almost as if it was part of a different house. I felt safe here; not relaxed, like I was in the library, but safe and right now, safe was good enough.

“Okay,” Gerard opened the discussion. “Who wants to go first?”
“I will,” Frank replied decisively. “Ray knows about this, as I’m sure you realise. I didn’t tell you guys, because I thought it was nothing, then after Mikey went into the pool and Bob told us about the bathtub thing, I just didn’t want to make things worse. We were all getting edgy…”
“You mean me? If you mean me, you can say so.”

I didn’t mean it to sound quite as harsh as it did, but I was tense and, well, it was said now, there was little I could do about it.

“No, Mikey,” Frank spoke slowly. “I mean all of us. But I do understand that you’ve had to deal with most of what’s happened.”

I felt a bit foolish and paranoid. Why was I turning on them? Or, assuming that they were turning on me? It didn’t make any sense. It was almost as if Frank could read my thoughts and he answered them.

“We’re all getting edgy and sometimes we get edgy with each other because we can’t understand or explain. That’s what this is about. Instead of pushing each other away because we’re scared, we do what we’ve always done. Lean on each other, all of us.”
“I’m sorry I snapped before, Frank,” Ray spoke softly. “You’re right, I’m just… tired… and edgy.”

Frank nodded, glad to see that we had all calmed enough to talk and listen. With a deep sigh, he began to speak again.

“It was the day we got here, well, the night. I couldn’t sleep and I kept hearing a shuffling noise. I thought it was one of you guys and I yelled for whoever it was to keep the noise down. You know what I’m like in a new bed, I can never sleep right through the first night. Anyway, I’d just get off and it would start again. Always there, right on the edge of my sleep, this shuffling noise. I got up and went out into the hall and I saw what looked like a guy near the top of the stairs, dragging something. He was tall and thin, I thought it was Mikey at first; it was really dark. But then, he looked right at me. He grinned right at me. I could see him clearly by this point; the moon was coming in right through the window and I could see what he was dragging too. It was a body. I was scared stiff. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. I just stood there staring, and he stared back at me. And then, a cloud drifted across the moon and he was gone. And… and I don’t mean he ran off. The whole image just faded. I couldn’t stop staring or move. I was desperate to work out what it was I’d really seen. I definitely did not want to believe it was a guy dragging a body, you know? But, if it was a ghost, he was totally aware of me. He looked right at me, the most evil expression I’ve ever seen. Just grinning at me with that pock-marked face and I…”
“Pock-marked!”

I looked at Ray. He looked at me. I hadn’t even heard Ray’s account, but as we both cried out at the same time, we knew we had seen the same face as Frank. The next question in my mind was. The body – was it a woman? Was it the same woman I had seen? Something told me that Ray was wondering the same thing.

Notes

I always thought that the lyrics to Famous Last Words sounded like a conversation in parts - some Gerard's words, some Mikey's.I've included a few lines to show what I mean. What do you think? Hope you enjoyed, Sas xo