Famous Last Words

We took a break, but it wasn’t enough. There was always something in my peripheral vision. Or perhaps I should say, someone? I was never sure – it was frustrating.

“What’s wrong, Mikey?” Ray asked kindly, reassuringly.

I wanted to answer; I could have answered but I wanted to be comfortable and there really was only one place.

“Can we go back to the library?” I asked.

I think, looking back, I almost pleaded. That’s how I remembered it and the look on their faces suggested nothing less.

“You feel comfortable there?”

Ray asked the question, but the way he phrased it was almost like a statement. I just nodded and hoped they didn’t mind too much.

Everyone downed their instruments in silence and we headed to the library and I took my place on the far left seat of the couch. I felt comfortable, I felt safe, but I also felt foolish. I’m a grown man. I have a house. I’m engaged. I shouldn’t have to feel safe any more! But, and here’s the sad part – I did. Here I was in this God forsaken house, this festering pit of torment and evil and yes, damn it, I needed to feel safe! It had already occurred to me that there was a very real chance of an argument. It was hard to tell from the silence whether they were concerned or angry. As always, the atmosphere, that always caused us all to struggle to feel cheerful, hung like a black cloud tormenting us with an ever present depressive mood.

“You feel better here?” Ray asked as he closed the door and took a seat next to me. Gerard remained standing; that wasn’t a good sign. Frank and Bob took chairs from a reading desk near the window. Picking them up was no easy task, I could see from the look on their faces that they were very heavy. Soon enough everyone was where they wanted to be and they were, once again, all staring at me.

“You’re staring,” I muttered, my own gaze not moving from my knees.

“What’s going on, Mikey?”

It was Gerard. My head rose quickly, stunned by the harshness in his tone, I could only stare back. I wanted to say something, but what? What could I possibly say? The words just wouldn’t come.

“Gee,” Ray sighed, “do you think, maybe…?”

“What?” My brother was snapping at him now and within seconds I would know why. “Don’t protect him, Ray! I know, Mikey! Okay? I know!”

“W…what?” I stammered.

“You’ve been hitting the booze haven’t you? And pills and God knows what else! Didn’t you learn anything from my mistakes?”

“But, Gee…”

“Don’t ‘but, Gee’ me! I know, Mikey, I saw you!”

Turning his back on me, he flopped down on the arm of the couch. It almost killed me to see him shaking his head in dismay. It would have been worse if I’d known then that there were tears in his eyes.

“You don’t understand, Gee,” I tried to explain. “It’s the only way I can get through this.”

I saw his shoulders shake, it could have been a laugh, it could have been a sob, I’ll never know, but it was then he stood and turned to face me. I looked up to see his eyes almost burning through me, red and terrifying.

“No, Mikey, it’ll take much more than that to get through this!”

His voice had dropped an octave and the words came out with a deep gravelly texture that was almost as scary as his eyes. It was only then, I realised that he wasn’t the only one staring with those empty blood-red eyes and I was surrounded. Ray was on my right, Frank and Bob to my left and Gerard, now standing over me, his eyes wide, wild and threatening.

“No,” I was shaking my head in sheer disbelief, “please, what’s happening? What do you want? No!”

I was still screaming when I fell to my knees, landing heavily in the empty, dark corridor. With one hand, I tried to stop myself collapsing fully to the floor and with the other I wiped away the tears that streamed down my face.

“Mikey?”

“No! Let me go!”

I screamed, pushed myself out of reach of Ray and backed against the panelled wall, shaking, crying, terrified.

The lights came on, which gave me a little comfort, but I was still a quivering wreck on the floor, salt water staining my cheeks, desperately afraid of the man standing over me. The idea is ludicrous, right? Afraid of Ray? But I was, and I couldn’t remember why.

“What’s happened? Did you fall? Ray, did you see?”

Gerard was at my side asking questions, but my mind was a blur of half remembered images. The fear was subsiding, and was to be replaced by embarrassment.

“Mikey? Are you okay?” Gerard looked up again at Ray as still there was no response from me. “Ray? What did you see? What happened?”

By now, Frank and Bob were standing beside Ray looking concerned and bewildered at the same time.

“What…”

“Are you hurt?”

“Did you fall?

“Where were you going?”

Everyone was talking at once, I couldn’t even work out who said what until, finally Gerard shouted above everyone else.

“Everyone, shut up!”

It was silent in an instant. So quiet, in fact, that I could hear my stilted breathing and soft hiccupping noises as I tried to stem both my fears and tears.

“Are you okay, Mikes?” Gerard asked quietly, gently.

I nodded, still unable to speak.

“Frank, get his inhaler, please? It should be on his night stand.”

I watched, with increasing embarrassment and exhaustion as Frank broke away from the small group at a rapid pace.

“You want to get some coffee?” he asked me and I nodded and finally managed a brief ‘thanks’.

“Here,” Frank thrust the inhaler towards me and I took it with a grateful smile.

Taking a puff from the small pump achieved nothing. I hadn’t realised how much I was struggling until that moment. Making a conscious effort to control and slow my breathing, just as I’d been taught, I took another lungful; this time successfully. Nodding to let them know I was all right, I let Gerard help me to stand. It was then I noticed Bob had gone. Almost as if he read my mind, Gerard explained.

“Bob’s gone to put a pot on, let’s get you downstairs, eh? You can tell us what happened in your own time.”

“It was just a dream, Gee,” I tried to explain, but he was already ushering me down the stairs. Bob had switched on all the lights of every room he went through, or even passed.

He’s a good guy, Bob. He probably realised how relieved I was that it was no longer dark and that I could see, with my own eyes, that nothing was nearby, watching, waiting. And yet, even as I passed through the brightly lit rooms, I looked around, expecting to see her. Who? I didn’t know, but she was there. I wanted the coffee so much. I was exhausted, but I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I was scared.

“It’ll just be a couple of minutes, Mikes,” Bob called cheerily as we entered the kitchen.

I took a deep breath, thankful that I could and that it helped.

“Thanks, Bob,” I replied with a weak smile. But we were here; I knew the interrogation was about to begin. But I was grateful when it didn’t start with me.

“Ray, what did you see?”

It seemed that Ray was as surprised as I was that Gerard went directly to him, but it did give me a few minutes to gather my thoughts.

“Not much, Gee,” Ray replied, accepting the mug of coffee from Bob and passing it to me. “I heard a noise, probably Mikey passing my door. I thought I’d imagined it at first, then I heard crying and screaming. I went out to see if he was okay and I think I woke him up. You were there almost immediately after.”

“You were sleep-walking, Mikes?”

I frowned. Hadn’t we just discussed this? Or had I dreamt it?

“Didn’t we…? Ray said I…” I just didn’t know how to phrase it. If it had been a dream, it had felt so real. “Didn’t you say I was sleep-walking?”

Ray looked blankly at me and I felt really stupid now.

“I dreamt it?” I asked quietly. “It felt real.”

“Dreams do, Mikes,” Gerard nodded. “But sometimes, you really do have something to be afraid of.”

I hadn’t noticed Frank walk behind me; I was too busy listening to Gerard and Ray. The first I realised something was wrong was when I saw the flash of red in Gerard’s eyes and then the guitar string pulled tight around my neck. Dropping my coffee and burning my legs in the process, I clawed ineffectually at the wire slicing through the top layers my skin. I grimaced with pain as I felt the warm, wet trickling sensation of my own blood oozing down my throat. As I pulled desperately at the ever-tightening wire, my fingertips shredded adding yet more pain and blood until I could no longer get a firm grip. My head was reeling. Disorientated and weak from blood-loss, I could hear them laughing as I felt all the fight in me drain away. I thought I was safe in this room, my last refuge torn away from me in so violent a fashion. I knew I was dying.

“Mikey!”

I could feel my arms gripped so tightly and I was shaking, or rather, I was being shaken.

“Mikey!”

And I was fighting; I wouldn’t let them kill me!

“Let me go! Get away! Let go of me!”

I kicked and screamed as if my life depended upon it. Finally I saw Ray fall backwards. It was now or never. But there were more hands on me and no amount of thrashing on my part could break free of them. Finally I realised that Gerard had wrapped his arms around me.

“Mikey! It’s okay! It’s okay! Calm down, you’re safe.”

It was only then I realised I was wet.

“Why did you do it? Mikes? Why?”

Gerard shook with what I knew were tears, his voice sounded desperate.

“I’ll call 911.”

“No!”

I looked up at Frank, his face was pale, he seemed so distressed. Equally, Ray and Bob, both there, appeared visibly shaken and concerned. I was cold to the bone and soaked.

“No, I’m okay,” I managed to say.

“Why, Mikes, tell me what’s wrong,” Gerard asked me again. I was more confused than I could possibly explain. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?” I stammered.

“Mikey, we just pulled you out of the pool,” Bob replied apparently confused by my reply. I merely stared back, unable to take it all in. “It’s gone two in the morning, you jumped in fully clothed. What are we supposed to think?”

I waited. Any moment now I would see the flash of red in Gerard’s eyes and I’d know it was yet another nightmare, but it didn’t come. I really had jumped into the pool. Had I tried to drown myself? My nightmares were becoming my reality.

Notes