We'll Let the Fires Just Bathe Us

It's a Saturday, I think. That means I have to leave the house to get money. I can't get a job, as I'm too afraid of losing control, and of the people I'll encounter. So, basically, I'm a beggar. I try to clean myself up, and I ask for spare change when people leave a shop. Here's a tip for begging: don't ask for money when someone enters a shop. They probably don't have change on them. Also, don't ask for change from someone who looks like a douchebag. They're probably a douche bag. And they will kick you.

Luckily, I don't need too much money for the necessities. I'm a small guy, so I don't need a lot of food, and I steal what I have to. I usually wash myself in public restrooms, but every now and then I'll sneak into the gym for a real shower.

I decide to treat myself today, as I feel I've been slightly too hard on myself lately. I feel okay today. More okay than I've felt in months. Yeah, I deserve a fucking coffee.

There's a small coffee shop about a half mile away. It's a cold, yet refreshing walk around 11 AM in late November. I have both my sweatshirt and hoodie on. When I arrive at the coffee shop, I am met with a warm rush of air and a delicious aroma. I recognize the woman at the counter, though she doesn't seem to remember me. I don't blame her; I only come here once a month. She has tired, kind eyes and honey colored hair pulled up into a bun. I'd put her at around 35, probably has young kids. I pay for my small black coffee in change, but she doesn't seem to mind. I even put a couple of quarters in the tip jar. She reminds me of my mother.

I sit down in a booth near the window, people-watching as I wait for my coffee to cool down. There's a woman on the sidewalk with a screaming child on a leash and a baby in a harness attached to her stomach. A very busy looking business man speed walks across the street. Cars honk and swerve around each other. I feel my hands heat up and I lower my gaze, as I can feel myself becoming overwhelmed. I breathe in and out slowly. I can feel my hands cool down. I wrap them around the hot paper cup to comfort myself. I lift the cup to my chapped lips and audibly groan. Coffee is probably what I miss the most from my old life.

I turn my attention back to the window, as I feel much less anxious now. Life goes by so fast on the other side of the glass. I can't hear any of it, and nobody notices me. This is what you wanted, a voice in my head whispers. Total invisibility. I shake the sinister voice away and strain to hear the laughter of the people outside and the roar of the passing cars. My attention is diverted to right outside the coffee shop, where a boy is leaning against the wall and trying to light a cigarette. He has a young face, he's probably 16 or 17. His lighter sparks a few times, dead. I focus my eyes on it and it lights up. He looks surprised, but brushes it off as he leans back and takes a drag. He's beautiful, I think to myself. And he really is. He has a soft feminine face with high cheekbones, and ruffled black hair framing his face.

I realize I've been watching him for several minutes when I feel my coffee go cold. Not a problem. I heat it up with ease. Taking a slow sip, I look back up to the boy who is stomping his cigarette out with his boot and oh god he's coming in. He opensthe door and I see him breathe in a sigh of relief, obviously appreciating the warmth of the café. I suddenly feel hyper aware of the bags under my eyes and the grease in my hair. When's the last time I washed this sweater? Not wanting to be caught staring, I divert my attention back to the coffee which is almost gone.

I'm looking out the window again when I hear footsteps. I turn around and the boy is heading towards me. What the fuck. I immediately panic and wonder what he wants from me. He sits down across from me, smiling crookedly. I can't sense any malice in his eyes, which are a lovely hazel color.

"Hey," he says "I'm Gerard". It takes me a moment to respond.

"Uh, hi, I'm Frank" I state dumbly. He doesn't seem put off by my awkwardness. Instead, he wraps his hands around his coffee and tries to start a conversation. With me. This guy's definitely insane.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, you just seemed kinda lonely. And I don't really talk to too many people, but you seem kind of, easy to talk to I guess? I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. I can leave you alone if you want." The thought of him leaving me alone terrifies me.

"No no no, don't worry. I don't mind rambling. I'm just a little surprised is all. So, what's up?" How original, Frank.

He leans forward and takes a sip of his coffee before replying. "Oh, not much. My brother went to work and left me all alone, so I decided to go out. Trying to get out of my comfort zone, y'know?" I nod, and think of a way to keep the conversation going. I like talking to this boy.

"Yeah I get it, I'm doing the same exact thing to be honest. Do you just live with your brother, or your parents, or..." I trailed off. God, he's gonna think I'm so creepy. His eyes go down a bit and I mentally slap myself. I'm such an idiot.

"I actually just live with my brother. My parents kicked me out a while ago, but luckily my brother's really cool. His name's Mikey, he has his own place and took me in." He's smiling again. I wonder why his parents kicked him out. I decide now is not the time to ask.

"Well it's good that you have a cool brother." I say with a genuine smile. We settle into a comfortable silence. He continues to drink his coffee and I fiddle with my empty cup.

Eventually he looks up at me and says, "What about you? Where do you live? Do you go to school around here?" Oh no. I have to think of a lie quickly. I decide to tell half of the truth.

"Well, uh, actually, I don't go to school any more because I got kicked out. Right now I'm uh, kind of squatting in a place. Please don't tell anyone?" He looks concerned but nods his head understandingly.

"Is it, like, an okay house? You're not gonna die if you spend another night there, right?" he chuckles nervously.

"No no, it's fine. A little cold and gross, but it'll do for now. Oh, and uh, I'm seventeen. How old are you?"

"I'm seventeen too! And I don't go to school anymore either, but I graduated a year early because I skipped a grade of high school. I really want to go to a college for art but we don't have the money right now."

I smile enthusiastically and God what is this kid doing to me. "Hey that's really cool! I always wanted to go to college, maybe for music or psychology. But, you know, the whole homeless high school dropout thing is kind of a problem..."

"You can totally do it though! It'll probably take a while, but you can get there man." After saying that, he actually grabbed my hands. My. Hands. He blushed and immediately pulled away, but I just smiled to show that it was okay. I just really hoped that he didn't feel how hot they were. He pulls his phone out of his back pocket and checks the time.

"Damn! I really gotta go. I want to talk to you again Frank, can I have your number?" My heart sinks. So much for seeing him ever again.

"I, uh, don't have a phone." He looks puzzled for a second but then regains his composure.

"Oh okay that's fine! I'm free tomorrow. Do you want to meet here at, uh, noon maybe?" My heart does a backflip. He really does want to see me again.

"Yeah that works! I'll see you tomorrow then! See you later!"

"Goodbye, Frank", he says, waving and then leaves the shop.

Screw begging, I'm going to the gym today to take a shower and wash my clothes.

Notes

They meet at a coffee shop, really gray? How creative. Tbh though I don't hate this too much. Let me know what you think!
love always,
gray