The Sharpest Lives

Frank stood in the front of his closet, towel draped around his waist from his shower, staring at his options. Occasionally he would pull something out, only to look at it, and put it back. Why did Jamia have to make him conscious of what he was wearing? Had she not mentioned it, Frank would have never thought about it. Now that he was, he didn’t know what to put on.
After 30 minutes of deliberating, he settled on tight black jeans, with leather on the pockets. They had a hole in the left knee from when he fell off the stage at a show about six months ago, but he felt it only added to the aesthetic. He grabbed a shirt from his dresser, one of his favorites. It was forest green and black striped, with holes throughout the hem. He decided on his regular black and white converse, figuring that unless he wanted to slip off the stage again, he should leave his boots home. He checked the time – 7:13PM and figured he should head out, knowing the band would need warm up time, and time to set up their equipment. He peeked in the bathroom to take a quick look at himself. He ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged at his reflection.
“If he likes me, he likes me. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing.” He said out loud, trying to calm his nerves. He packed his equipment in the back seat of his car and was on his way.
Gerard couldn’t stop pacing around the apartment. Lindsey had left hours ago, telling him to call her if he needed anything. He picked up his phone and opened the contacts – he held his finger over her name, but eventually decided against it. He constantly felt like a child that needed babysitting when he called her for help, and he had to grow up some time.
He still had at least an hour before he needed to leave for Frank’s show, and time felt like it was dragging on at a snail’s pace. He was walking in circles, trying to calm himself down. He wasn’t nervous to see Frank; actually he couldn’t wait to see him. Frank seemed to still his anxieties without even trying. There was no real reason for Gerard to feel so panicked, but he was. This wasn’t unusual, nevertheless. Often times he would get a burst of adrenaline for seemingly no reason. His body would instantaneously go into fight or flight mode, and if Gerard didn’t get out of whatever situation he was in and fast, he would either pass out or throw up. Sometimes he did both, at the disgust of those around him.
Gerard saw many therapists over the years, all of which had told him his feelings were all in his head. His answer to them was always the same -
“No shit, Sherlock.”
Gerard was a basket case, sure, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew his panic attacks started and ended in his own mind, but that didn’t make them any easier to deal with. He eventually just stopped seeking treatment and dealt with it on his own. Unfortunately, his means of dealing with it came in the form of razor blades.
Lindsey’s disappointment this afternoon was too much for Gerard, and he was pulling his hair out trying to keep his word that he would call her if he felt like hurting himself. He kept going back and forth in his head. Call her, don’t call her. Ultimately, he made a decision, and it wasn’t one Lindsey would be happy with. He would just have to make sure she didn’t find out.
Frank was pacing in circles, himself. He was backstage of the Queen, about 15 minutes from show time. It had been a long time since Frank was nervous to go on stage. He was used to anything the crowd could throw at him by this point, both figuratively and literally. All he could think about was Gerard being somewhere in the crowd, watching his every move and it made him nauseas. What if he fucked up the words, or forgot how to play a song? Granted, he had been playing these songs for years, but it could happen. Frank knew his fears were irrational, but they were there, nonetheless.
“What’s your problem, man?” James asked.
“Just nervous, I guess.”
“Since when do you get nervous? I haven’t seen you this amped up since our first show.” James spoke to Frank as he got himself ready to go on, tucking his shirt haphazardly in and fingering his hair. As he walked over to his bag he nearly tripped over his untied shoelaces. “Goddammit.” He muttered.
Frank laughed at him, a little bit more at ease when watching James be the idiot that he is.
“Here, drink this. You need it more than I do.” James handed Frank a half-full beer, which he promptly guzzled down his throat. Frank circled his head around his neck, from side to side, cracking the joints in his shoulders. He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.
“Two minute warning, guys!” The venue manager shouted from behind the door.
Frank opened the door and headed for the stage.
“Give ‘em hell, kid” James whispered as they made their way out.
Gerard arrived about 10 minutes before Pency Prep was set to go on, he had no interest in listening to whatever shitty band was opening for them. The place was packed wall to wall with people that had obviously been here for a while, drinking the night away. Gerard wasn’t surprised, he knew Frank’s band would be good, but he was amazed at how many people fit into the small venue for a local band.
He made his way over to the bar and ordered a beer, mostly as something to hold in his hand and fidget with instead of his phone; he wanted to be focused when Frank came out. Gerard perched himself towards the front of the stage, against the far right wall and decided this was as good a time as any to make himself comfortable. He leaned up against the wall and pulled out his phone to text Lindsey.
“Made it here fine, Frank is going on in 5. xoG”
He had just enough time to get his phone in his pocket when the lights dimmed and the crowd began to cheer.
As soon as Frank walked out on the stage and felt the familiar warmth of the spot lights, he felt some of his tension melt away. The crowd was cheering, mostly because they were drunk, but he liked to imagine they had fans.
“Alright!” Frank yelled into the mic, nodding to James and the other band members. “This song is about sucking dick for cocaine!”
Gerard almost choked on his beer when he heard Frank. Where was the shy kid from last night? He took notice of what he was wearing. Frank’s jeans were significantly tighter than the ones he was wearing when he met him and they looked remarkable on him. Frank jumped around the stage, getting into the moment and it looked as if he had been literally poured into his pants. It was at that moment that Gerard reconfirmed to himself that he was hopelessly, unquestionably gay.
As they began to find their rhythm into the song, Gerard could only stare at the man up on stage. He had so much energy and life in him. How he could be so carefree in front of so many people? Gerard watched as Frank screamed the words to the song, and flung his guitar around his neck at chord breaks. It was incredible.
Each song seemed to flow so seamlessly into one another that Gerard was caught completely off guard when the music quieted, Frank stopped screaming and said goodnight into the mic. He watched him high five the drummer and walk off the side of the stage, sweaty and laughing.
Gerard checked the time on his phone and was stunned to see that it was almost 10:15. Had he really been watching Frank for an hour? Gerard decided to walk back over to the bar and find a seat. He sat on one of the stools, that conveniently had an empty one next to it and took the liberty of ordering two beers, hoping that he would both find Frank, and that he liked beer. He flipped through his contacts and clicked on “Frankie”
“Nice show dude, see I told you there was nothing to be nervous about.” James patted Frank on the back once they were backstage.
“Thanks, man.” He said as he wiped his forehead with his shirt. He set his guitar down backstage and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was Gerard.
“Awesome show, Frankie. I’m at the bar.”
Frank smiled to himself and made his way through the hallway and into the crowd. It was hard to see over people due to his height, but he could make out the area the bar was in by the abundance of people crowded around it. He glanced from left to right and finally spotted Gerard sitting at the end of the bar. He could only see the back of him, but he could see his hair was messy in the back, and he was wearing a leather jacket instead of his cotton pea coat from the night before. He looked good. Frank took a deep breath and walked towards him.
“You made it!” He said enthusiastically to Gerard.
Gerard turned around, smiling at the shorter man.
“I told you I wouldn’t miss it. Here, I got you a beer. You were incredible up there.” Gerard handed frank the bottle and patted the empty stool next to him, signaling for Frank to sit down.
“Thank you!” Frank blushed and took the seat next to Gerard; he took a sip of his beer and cleared his throat. All that screaming made his voice hoarse and dry.
“I don’t know how you do it, Frankie, I would never have the coordination to sing and play an instrument like you do.”
“Well, to be honest I don’t actually sing. I mean, I can hold a tune, sure, but most of it is just screaming. That makes it easier, but it did take a good amount of practice.” Frank said, gazing up at Gerard.
Gerard held his gaze for a few moments.
“I’m glad you invited me tonight.” He didn’t mean to say it, but it was coming out like word vomit; all the thoughts he meant to keep in his head flowed out of his mouth when he was in Frank’s presence.
“Me too.” Frank answered back. “Hey, let’s go somewhere quieter.”
Before Gerard could answer, Frank held up two fingers at the bartender signaling two more beers. “Put them on my tab, please.” He said to him, grabbing the bottles and waving Gerard through the crowd.
They made their way back towards the front of the venue, and down the hallway back stage.
“Am I allowed back here?” Gerard chuckled as Frank led him towards a door.
“Probably not.” He shrugged back.
Frank opened a heavy steel door to the loading area, where all the bands drop off their equipment. Frank spotted the rest of his band near their van, smoking and talking.
“Hey guys.” Frank said, waving to the band.
“Hey man, what’s up?” James asked.
“Not much, this is my friend Gee. Gee, this is James, he’s the drummer, Neil, the lead guitarist, and Tim, the bassist.”
“Nice to meet you guys, you put on an awesome show.” Gerard said.
“Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.” Tim said.
“We’re going to head back inside, Frank, see you later.” James said, gesturing for the rest of the band to follow. James could see the look in Frank’s eyes when he walked out and saw the band, he was hoping they would be alone.
“Alright, see you.” Frank answered, leaning up against their van and pulling his cigarettes out of his back pocket. He set the two beer’s down on the ground as he fumbled for his lighter.
Once the rest of the band was through the steel door and back into the venue, Frank pulled out a cigarette and pursed it between his lips. Gerard shadowed his action and lit his own, taking a drag and watching the smoke billow from his mouth in the cool winter air.
“Aren’t you cold?” Gerard questioned, noticing Frank hadn’t taken his coat outside with him and he was still in a thin t-shirt.
“A little – I was still hot from performing when we walked out, but it is a little chilly.” Frank shrugged, taking a drag. He picked up his beer and took a drink, hoping it would warm him up a bit.
“Here…” Gerard slipped his cigarette between his lips and held it there to free his hands. He pulled his arms out of the sleeves of his leather jacket and draped it around Frank.
“Won’t you be cold?” Frank asked, trying to hide the giddiness on his face from Gerard’s gesture.
“Nah, I always run hot.”
Frank just smiled to himself and breathed in Gerard’s scent. His jacket smelled like cigarettes and coffee and some type of cologne Frank had never smelled before. It was inebriating.
Gerard wasn’t cold, but as he looked down at his hands he realized he had only a t-shirt on, exposing his arms to anyone who glanced at them. He was suddenly extremely uncomfortable and it could show in his stance. He tensed his shoulders and stood up straight as the color drained from his face.
Fuck, he couldn’t let Frank see the cuts on his arms. Frank would never want to be with him knowing how screwed up he was. He did the only thing he could do, which was the last thing he wanted to.
“Frank, uh, I gotta go…” and he walked hurriedly towards the door to the inside.
“What? Wait, Gee!” Frank raised his voice, walking to try and catch Gerard before he disappeared back into the venue.
“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” He asked, approaching Gerard who had his back turned to Frank, but stopped walking away.
Gerard turned around with a pained look on his face.
“God, no, Frank…I want to stay, but…”
“Stay. Please.” Frank said in a near whisper.
Gerard just looked down at his feet and started to shake. He could feel the panic rise in his chest. Frank was looking straight through him and could tell something was wrong, but he didn’t know what he had done to make Gerard want to leave so quickly.
Frank must have thought Gerard’s shaking was a result of the cold, when in reality his nerves were short circuiting inside him.
“Let’s go back inside.” Frank said, taking Gerard’s hand in his own. He hoped he wasn’t intruding by taking his hand, but he didn’t want Gerard to leave, and if he let go he was afraid he would vanish.
Gerard nodded and allowed Frank to lead him inside.
Frank opened the heavy door and led Gerard back down the hallway, but instead of taking a right back into the crowd, they made a left, towards the back of the building. There were two sets of doors, one that said “employees only” and one that didn’t have a marking. Frank knocked on the blank door and when there was no answer, he opened it.
Inside the room was a counter with a sink and coffee maker. There was a couch on the left side of the room with two end tables, and an old TV in the corner. There were empty beer bottles on every surface and overflowing ash trays on each end table.
“This is where the bands hang out before shows, usually after setting up the equipment and waiting for our time to go on.” Frank said, leading Gerard towards the couch.
“I really don’t think I’m allowed back here” Gerard laughed nervously.
Frank shrugged “I’m part of the band and no one ever comes back here. The owner doesn’t care, I promise.” Frank tried to smile at Gerard, but he could still see that there was something wrong. He pulled Gerard down onto the couch slowly, still holding his hand. They sat facing each other, looking into one another’s eyes before Gerard looked away. He was anxious and scared. God, he was downright petrified. He didn’t realize it, but Frank was scared, too. Frank’s mind was swimming with the possibilities of what he had done wrong to make Gerard act so distant all of a sudden.
“I’m so sorry, Gerard, I didn’t mean to…” frank trailed on.
“What?” Gerard was confused; did Frank think this was his fault?
“I just…I don’t know what I did…”
“Frank…” Gerard said, sighing and looking down at his feet. He took Frank’s other hand in his, and scooted a little closer to him.
“God, Frankie, it’s not you. It’s me…I just…I’m so fucking scared that you’ll see who I really am and won’t want to hang out anymore. I’m so afraid that you will realize you don’t like me. Hell, I don’t even really know if you like me now…I just kind of hoped you did and I just started to get so nervous and…” Gerard was interrupted when Frank pulled his hands away from Gerard’s. As quickly as he took them away, they were planted around Gerard’s neck and he pulled him close. Before Gerard could get another word out, Frank’s mouth was on his.
Frank kissed Gerard gently, trying to show him exactly how he felt. He tried to convey his emotions through his lips. He held Gerard’s head firmly, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. Gerard was surprised when Frank kissed him, but quickly melted into it, letting his apprehensions fall away. When Frank finally stopped, he remained close, holding Gerard’s head firmly still, and softly stroking his hair.
“Gee, I really, really like you. It scares me, too, but…I want to get to know you. I want to know everything about you.” Frank exhaled and prepared himself for the word vomit that was to follow. “I’m fucking captivated by you and honestly, I don’t think there is anything you could tell me that would make me want to stop seeing you. I’ve been thinking about you nonstop since last night. God, I freaking agonized over what I was going to wear tonight. I feel like a teenager. I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time and it’s goddamn terrifying. I’m falling for you so fast. Please, please don’t run away like that.”
Gerard just stared into Frank’s eyes. He was able to say exactly what Gerard needed to hear, but there was something he needed to know before he let himself fall for Frank. Frank was honest with him, and he needed to be honest in return.
“Frankie I…fuck.” His forehead was still pressed to Franks, but he was staring at his feet. He could feel the tears starting to well up in his eyes.
“I really like you too. It alarms me how much I like you already, but before I let you get close to me, I need to show you something…”
Gerard hesitated, but pulled away and took Frank’s hand in his. He adjusted his arm so that the underside was showing and he placed Frank’s hand on the cuts.
It took Frank a minute to understand what he was doing, but once he did understand he was shocked by how much it affected him. He had barely known Gerard for two days, but he felt a pain in his chest when he saw the marks that littered Gerard’s forearm. He knew he had done it to himself; that was evident. But what Frank couldn’t make sense of, was why?
“Gee…” Frank whispered, trailing his fingers gently over the marks.
“I can’t hide it from you, Frankie. I don’t want to. I want to let myself get close to you, and I can’t do that if I’m keeping this a secret. If you don’t want anything to do with me I’ll understand I just wanted to give you the chance to decide for yourself.” Gerard answered more confidently then he thought he could, but when he was finished he let out a small sob. He was trying to hide his emotions, but he had only ever shown his wounds to Lindsey. He was letting Frank in to a very personal and painful part of his life, and he hoped to God he wouldn’t regret it.

Notes

Loved writing this chapter so much!

Twitter @crashintokate for updates on how the story is coming.