All We Need is Daylight

Frank rushes out of the locker room once he’s finished taking a quick shower and changing into his street clothes. He’s aware that the other guys are all planning on celebrating, and they’re taking the party to the fanciest place they know, which is the local Olive Garden. Frank would be amiss to say no to the invitation, but he’s going to try to drag Hayley along if he can. He has a lot of catching up to do, and also a lot of celebrating to do as well.

Gerard watches Frank leave the locker room, his arms crossed and some definite emotions etched clearly on his face. He looks incredibly pissed, at who, no one is entirely sure, not even Gerard, but he is not as festive as the others are about the total annihilation of the other team. Everyone is all smiles and high fives, and then there’s Pete who’s singing We Are the Champions really fucking loudly, and Pete can’t sing so it’s an experience for everyone.

Meanwhile, Patrick is sitting outside on one of the benches, listening to what is clearly Pete singing quite loudly which is audible even from outside the locker room. He’s wishing desperately for Pete to come out, and wishing even more desperately that he could kiss his boyfriend when he does. They probably won’t get the chance to until way later tonight, because Pete, as team captain, cannot under any circumstances miss out on the team celebration. Pete can’t miss it even if he gets abducted by aliens.

When Frank does finally leave the locker room he finds Patrick sitting about five feet away from his mom and Hayley, looking very awkward, which is to say, very much himself, as people walk through the entrance and out into the night outside. There’s not a whole lot of people still filing out of the rink, but enough so that Patrick shrinks into an even smaller form than he already is which is saying something.

Frank nods at Patrick, but goes first to his mom, because he sees Patrick every day and he’s not likely to be offended by that. His mom, before anything, gets this excited look in her eyes, and then grabs Frank, hugging him to her tightly. It’s a mix between an ‘I’ve missed you so much since you’ve been away at college’ and an ‘I’m so proud of you for winning’ hug, which means that Frank might actually have cracked a rib or two in the embrace.

“Mom, little tight, need air,” Frank says, and she only let’s go a few seconds after.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “it seems like it’s been years since I last saw you!”

“It’s been like two months, ma,” Frank replies.

“Which, for a mother, is like twenty years!”

“I’m sure,” Frank says, shaking his head, and turning a little pink at the fact that Patrick is watching his mother baby him. He does miss her though, that’s not a question. Frank’s homesick and depressed. He really fucking misses his moms cooking, not like this school has bad food or anything, but fuck, if it’s not made by her it’s inherently worse. He also misses the way his house smells, which isn’t something you ever realize you miss until it’s not there anymore. It smells like his mom, and he just really misses her, but he doesn’t want that to be so obvious.

He wants her to just take him back home with her, except for the fact that he also wants to hang out with his friends tonight. He probably could talk her into letting him stay the weekend, but then he’d have to miss out on the celebration tonight. He’d also have to miss out on ideally spending time with Gerard which is his plan for the weekend. Frank does plan to spend a weekend at home sooner or later though, because he’ll be able to spend practically every single second of it not spent sleeping, figure skating, because no one at the rink near his house will know who he is. Eventually, he will go home for a couple of days, but not this weekend.

“You did so well, Frankie, I’m so proud.”

“I know,” Frank says, not to sound arrogant, but Frank could draw a stickman and she’d be proud of him. “I’m really glad you could come, you know. I didn’t expect this game to turn out the way it did, but I’m glad you were here for it.”

“Me too! You’re doing so well, Frankie, I can’t believe how far you’ve come in just a few weeks, but you really looked so good out there.”

“I really like it here,” Frank says, and it’s not a lie. He does really like it here. So far, he’s never felt more comfortable in his own life as he does here. Not in high school, not at Boston, not when he was in fucking elementary school. Frank’s got friends here, and quite a heavy layer of stress, but it’s not unmanageable. He’s also got someone who knows his secret, which has really comforted him over the past week. He hasn’t had much time to think about it too much, or talk to Patrick about it, but it’s very calming just knowing that someone else knows.

“Yeah? Not a mistake?” She asks.

“Right now, I think this is where I need to be,” Frank says, smiling. He doesn’t want to worry his mother with any technicalities quite yet. Maybe he will leave next year, that’s a definite possibility. Until that happens, though, he needn’t worry his mom about it.

“Frankie, I would really love to stay, but-”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” Frank says, honestly. His mom has a life too, it’s unrealistic of him to expect her to stay here just for him.

“So, you don’t mind if I start heading home?” she asks.

“Ma, I’m just glad you came.”

“So am I,” she says, with a large grin, and Frank can definitely see himself in her face when she smiles. Frank was lucky to have inherited her smile, his is not nearly as vibrant as hers, but then again, he’s biased.

Frank hugs her one more time, tells her he loves her, and then feels his heart break only a little bit as she starts to make for the door. He can’t wait to see her again. Maybe next time he’ll get to talk to her more, but seeing her at all is a mercy on his heart.

Frank then turns his attention to Hayley, who he hadn’t forgotten was there, but he’s got a ladder of priorities and his mother is at the top of that list.

“And you!” Frank says, “I’m so glad you’re here!”

“I’m so glad to be here!” Hayley replies back, brightness emanating from her voice and smile.

Frank makes to hug her, and it’s a lot less bone busting as hugging his mom. He’s really missed her, if he’s being entirely honest. Hayley is the closest thing in the world he ever had to a friend before he came here, and seeing her now is unbelievable. She’s grown a bit since Frank last saw her, not upwardly of course, she’s still the tiny thing she always was, but she’s definitely looking older. Not even older necessarily as she is just more grown into her own features. She was pretty when Frank last saw her, that was never a doubt, but she has somehow gotten way more attractive in the years they’ve spent apart.

Unfortunately for Gerard, he happens to exit the locker room right as Frank is hugging Hayley. His spirits, which were already at an all-time low, plummet further, further, until they crash with a loud bang at rock bottom. Gerard’s hatred for the girl Frank’s with flourishes again quiet violently and he feels his own fists clench together, and his teeth grit too.

Gerard grumbles a bit to himself and then walks over to sit next to Patrick to attempt to take his mind off of his raging jealousy. He can’t quite eavesdrop on them, what with the bustling of people everywhere, the sounds of a hundred different voices all coming from every which way of the building. He doesn’t know if he’d want to listen in on them, though, he’s sure it wouldn’t make him feel any better. He’d probably just get angrier, or more envious.

“How’ve you been, though?” Frank asks, “What have you been up to?”

“Oh, you know, here and there, doing this and that. I’ve moved back to town recently, though,” she says.

“Really?” Frank asks.

“Yeah, missed it. You can only be away for so long before you gotta go back home,” she says, with a shrug. “But look at you! Last time I saw you, you were just starting high school!”

“Oh gosh, has it been that long?” Frank asks.

“It has. You’re so good, Frank! It’s unbelievable to see how far you’ve come,” she smiles, widely, “I remember teaching you how to skate, and now here you are! Oh my gosh, it’s hard to believe you’re this big.”

“Shut up,” Frank says, laughing, and blushing again.

“Alright, well I guess you’re not that much taller. You’ve only grown about an inch or two.”

“Seriously shut up,” Frank groans.

“It’s just really great getting to see you in action out there. You’re really doing the best with the skills you have. I’m so glad you’re still skating. You have such a talent, so much more than I remembered, I don’t think anyone could take their eyes off of you out there,” Hayley says.

“I’ve got a good team,” Frank says, “kind of. I mean, some of them are assholes, but like, most of them are really great.”

“You’re the best out there, though,” Hayley says, with a cheeky grin.

Frank rolls his eyes, and then turns to look around. He sees Gerard sitting a few feet away with Patrick and gets an idea. “Hey, I should introduce you to some of the guys.”

Frank walks over to the two of them without hearing Hayley’s response. He looks at Gerard, who looks back at him, but quickly breaks eye contact when he actually looks at Gerard’s face which he cannot stare directly at without feeling cement fill his stomach slowly but surely.

“Guys, this is Hayley,” Frank says, gesturing to her. “Hayley and I were neighbors, she taught me how to skate. She’s the best skater I know, actually.”

“Hi,” Patrick says, in a friendly enough way, while Gerard just stares with the blankest expression he can muster on his face, which is still quite an angry looking one.

“This is Patrick, he’s, well, he’s not on the team per say, but he’s the writer of the hockey section in the school newspaper,” Frank says. “And this is Gerard, who’s our assistant coach.”

Just as Frank says that, Pete and Travie pile out of the locker room, followed by a couple of other guys, not the ones who Frank is particularly friendly with though.

“Oh, and this is Pete, and that’s Travie,” Frank says, then repeats Hayley’s introduction for them.

“Oh, he’s actually told us about you!” Pete says. “Figure skater, right?”

“Yeah,” she nods, smiling. Hayley doesn’t have any trouble making friends or getting along with people. Hayley could probably tame a rabid dog and become its friend if she really wanted to. She’s just really likeable, and also gorgeous. An argument could be made that she’s perfect in every way.

“I’m not really a big fan of figure skating, honestly, but if you taught Frank how to skate, you must be something special,” Pete says, because he’s not going to tell her he hates figure skating directly to her face.

“Oh, you’ve just never watched the right kind of figure skating,” she says.

“I suppose anything is possible,” Pete says, with a shrug, though he doubts that. Figure skating really irks him. To Pete, figure skating trivializes the effort and hard work that he puts into hockey. Pete’s of the opinion that hockey is more difficult, even though that is definitely not the case.

“I hate figure skating,” Gerard says, quite rudely, and with a heaping amount of bitterness in his voice.

Hayley looks surprised by his tone, and evaluates his expression for a moment, before determining that she can’t determine much of anything out of the guy. He looks very annoyed or depressed about something, but what that is, she doesn’t know.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Hayley says, making a face, and dropping the subject.

Frank notices that Gerard is brooding about something, however, what he could possibly be grumpy about is a mystery, considering how they just won their game, and by a fucking landslide. Of all the people in the world, Gerard should be happiest. He should be jumping up and down, hugging everyone with a pulse, cheering, whooping, celebrating. He shouldn’t be looking like he’s auditioning for a role in an Edgar Allen Poe adaption.

Frank tries to budge through the now large crowd of hockey players all gathering around in a group in the entrance.

“Gerard?” Frank asks, looking up at him when he finds himself standing beside him.

“What?” Gerard asks.

“Are you okay?”

“What?”

“Are you okay, man?” Frank asks, “you look really upset. Like someone just died, or something.”

“I’m fine,” Gerard says, managing a shrug, and doing his best to look fine. He doesn’t feel fine of course, he feels like his entire body is being ripped apart in different directions, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Gerard hates it when his own pain is out of his control, it’s absolutely awful. Like, if he breaks a sink or has work that he needs to get done, simple things which are causing him stress or pain, he can do something about it. There is a way to fix those things. But when the thing that hurts is something Gerard doesn’t have the power to change, it’s terrible. The fact that Frank doesn’t like him back is something he cannot change. The fact that Frank might be leaving the school is something he cannot change. The fact that the team, despite two wins, is still going to lose dreadfully by the end of this season is something he cannot change. It hurts. He doesn’t like not being able to change what’s bugging him, it makes everything all the worse.

Gerard wants so much for things to be different. He wants Frank to like him back, wants for the team to be the best one the world has ever seen. He wants Frank to stay. He wants so many things, none of which are within his grasp and it just hurts. It’s a dull, nagging sort of hurt, which is worse than a sharp pain, because it’s something he can’t alleviate, he just has to bare it. He doesn’t get used to the pain either, so it’s not like it gets easier to handle. So far, it’s just been getting worse. Things have really started to go downhill today more than ever. Before today, Frank was just a guy he couldn’t have. Now, he’s the guy Gerard can’t have who is going to be leaving him. He knows he still has upwards of a year left to spend with Frank, but it’s not enough. He doesn’t want a year, he wants a lifetime.

Gerard actively tries to change the expression on his face so as not to worry Frank. He doesn’t want Frank to feel the grunt of Gerard’s pain, because Frank’s the kind of guy who would blame himself. In a way, it is entirely Frank’s fault that Gerard’s so miserable, but not really. Frank never asked for Gerard to like him, he can’t be held accountable for it.

“I mean, if something’s wrong, you know you can talk to me about it, right?” Frank asks. “I’ve already laid a lot on your back, I can handle it in return.”

“It’s okay, Frank. It’s nothing I want you to concern yourself with, okay?” Gerard says, mustering up a smile as he looks down at Frank whose big brown eyes are a smack in the face to his grief.

“Okay. Just, please tell me if you need someone to talk to,” Frank says.

“I will,” Gerard says, with another fake smile. He knows it’s a lie, that the last person in the world he could talk to about his feelings is Frank, but he appreciates the offer more than he could put into words. Frank is so considerate, so kind, so gentle, it’s unbelievable how the whole world hasn’t fallen in love with him by now.

Frank frowns, wishing he could do more for Gerard, but he walks back over to Hayley so that she doesn’t have to be uncomfortable standing by herself amidst strangers. His concerns are unwarranted however when Frank finds Hayley deep in debate with Pete about hockey teams.

“I’m not saying the Blackhawks aren’t good, all I’m saying is that if they were in a burning building, I probably wouldn’t grab a fire extinguisher.”

“But they’re the greatest team to have ever played hockey!” Pete says, which is not much of a rebuttal.

“They’re the most arrogant.”

“Well, you’d be arrogant too if you were as good a team as they are.”

“Hate to take sides here, Pete, but you’re literally the only guy here who likes the Blackhawks.”

“That’s not true, Patrick likes them!” Pete says, pointing at Patrick, which causes Frank to gasp violently and over dramatically.

“Patrick,” Frank says, in a scandalized tone.

“Leave me out of this,” Patrick says, putting his hands up as if in surrender.

“The Blackhawks wipe the floor with the Devils!” Pete says.

“Yeah?” Frank says, and everyone is expecting him to say more, but that’s it. That’s all he has to say on the matter. There’s no ‘buts’ there.

Frank turns to Hayley, who’s smiling, even though Pete’s talking shit, which is a thing he does every now and again. Pete’s not super conceited, but he does rub it in their faces after every single game that the Blackhawks win, it’s quite arduous. Frank would do the same if his team were any fucking good.

“So how long can you stay until?” Frank asks.

“Well, I don’t have a curfew, because I’m an adult,” Hayley says, making a face as if to tease him. Frank wonders at what point she got to be so mature, because he genuinely has trouble reconciling the girl he knew with who Hayley is now. She’s this strong, gorgeous, opinionated, powerful woman who is badass in every way, and she makes Frank feel small. He’s also proud of how far she’s come, with her skating career and just with her life in general. She looks way more put together than Frank can expect to be at her age. Even if he does make it into the NHL, which is his only life plan at this point, he’s still probably going to be a mess that needs to be put together.

“So, do you want to come celebrate with us?”

“Only for a little while,” she says, “I mean, I guess I’m your new biggest fan, I’d be an idiot not to meet the team.”

“You’re not going to be our fan once you see us lose every other game in the season,” Travie says, looking disappointed in himself for even saying it.

“Get out of here with that attitude,” Frank replies, shaking his head. “We may suck.” Again, that’s all Frank has to say on the subject.

After the majority of the team pile out of the locker room, they all start to head out as a pack, and a loud one at that. Frank squeezes a place for himself between Hayley and Pete, and talks to them both as they all walk the fifteen-minute distance between the rink and the restaurant.

Frank is engrossed in talking about the highlights of the game, and gets all excited when they talk about the individual goals, which Patrick and Hayley manage to give them better feedback on, considering that they were watching from the seats at the time. Patrick starts describing Frank’s goal as if he’s already started writing the article about it in his head. He says he really wants to get it done now, but that he can’t just leave them to celebrate without him. After all, Patrick is an honorary member of the team.

Pete and Hayley seem to get a long pretty well, aside from the whole Blackhawks thing, but that doesn’t come as a surprise to Frank. They’re both extremely likeable people. Patrick is too, but he’s a little quieter and reserved, especially since he doesn’t really know Hayley. Patrick only started to warm up to Frank after a week, by which time Frank piled on his enormous secret.

Frank wishes that he could have told his mom while she was here. He thinks he probably will somewhat soon. He doesn’t have any doubt that his mom is going to accept him. She’s the kind of mom that would literally help him hide a body if he asked, so there’s no way she’s going to be disappointed or not accepting of him. Frank just has to find the right time, and a crowded hockey rink surrounded by everyone he knows is not an ideal place for him to lay that out.

They finally make it to the Olive Garden, and Frank doesn’t give a shit that he’s more excited about food than he is about their game. He’s fucking starving, and he wants to eat his weight in pasta and bread.

The group of them all squeeze into one of those circular booths which are a good idea on the surface, until someone’s gotta pee. They have to pull up a couple of chairs for the people who don’t fit in the booth, but Frank unwittingly is one of the first to climb in, so he has no chance of escape. They’re a larger group than they had been when they’d left the ice rink, because a couple of the guys, most of which are the ones Frank doesn’t know very well, like Kai and Lamar, have brought their girlfriends who are little more than arm candy. Travie is among that number, and Frank makes a point to stay as far away from his girl as he can, because he’s really not very keen on girls. He doesn’t mind Hayley, because she’s basically his sister, but in general, he has trouble relating to or understanding girls. Also, girls generally intimidate him.

There’s very little elbow room on the seat, with fourteen of them in all. Some of the guys, namely Morgan’s posse, decided to celebrate separately, probably because he hates Frank’s guts. Frank is not complaining, as he too hates Morgan’s guts, so it’s a tradeoff.

Frank doesn’t try to, he would actually say that he actively tries not to, but he finds himself sitting next to Gerard on the booth, and considering how little space there is between them all, it’s not a good idea. He’s so far beyond bumping elbows with him, that he’s practically sitting on Gerard’s lap. It’s a very unfortunate and also fortunate situation. He can’t stop thinking about Gerard’s proximity and how, in an ideal world, he’d be kissing Gerard right now. Just shoving Gerard up against the back of the booth and sticking his tongue down the boy’s throat.

Frank isn’t able to concentrate on anything that’s not Gerard’s warmth right next to him, it’s very distracting. A few people ask him some questions, none of which he hears or has any response to other than a vague noise, because he can’t fucking think with Gerard so close. Gerard’s hand accidentally brushes against his and Frank let’s out an audible whimper, which thankfully, no one hears.

Because of Frank’s incapability to make conversation, he just nibbles on breadsticks, hoping that if his mouth is full whenever someone directs a question at him, he’ll be able to get away with not answering. It works fairly well, until Gerard’s the one who tries to talk to him.

Hayley eyes him curiously, she’s crammed on the other side of the table, sitting next to one of the other girls, none of whom Frank actually knows. She’s talking to Pete about something or other, and smiling, and looking just really fucking pretty, which is her expertise.

“So, is Hayley your girlfriend then?” Gerard asks Frank, while he’s eating a breadstick, which causes him to cough, choke on it a little bit and then feel garlic in his nose, which is an unfamiliar and definitely unpleasant feeling.

“No!” Frank says. “Why does everyone think that? She’s not. We’re just, like, friends. I don’t even have a girlfriend, I’ve told you that.”

“But you want her to be,” Gerard states.

“I don’t. She’s, like, I mean we’re seriously just friends. I haven’t even seen her in like five years, so we’re definitely not dating.”

“Yeah, but look at her, Frank,” Gerard says, melancholy dripping into his tone. “Who wouldn’t want to date her?”

“Me, for starters,” Frank replies, “she’s more like a sister to me. I mean, I’ve known her since I was like four, and I owe her a lot of gratitude and shit, but I definitely don’t like her.”

“She looks like that and you genuinely don’t want to date her?” Gerard asks.

“Well, I mean, yeah. I don’t like her like that, not even a little bit. She’s just a friend, Gerard, honest.”

“Yeah?” Gerard asks, with a surprising lilt in his voice that hadn’t been there before. He seems a little, for lack of a better word, relieved. Maybe even happy. Frank doesn’t understand what that means, though.

Frank has a lot of trouble understanding Gerard. He’d like to say that he reads him like a book, that Gerard makes sense and is easy to understand, but the truth is a lot more complicated than that. Gerard has little oddities, like eccentricities that even Frank can’t dissect. He’s trying, he really is, but there’s something, Frank doesn’t know quite what but definitely something about him. Frank doesn’t know what it is, but it sometimes feels like Gerard is carrying the weight of something very huge, and Frank wants to know what that is. It’s like Gerard is hiding a part of himself from the world, and Frank wants to know what it is.

Gerard is feeling quite a bit better about himself right now. He doesn’t entirely believe that Frank doesn’t like Hayley, because with a face like that it’s just very difficult to believe anyone could be unattracted to her. Gerard’s kind of into her for fucks sake. But the fact that Frank is eager to say that he isn’t is something hopeful at least. It indicates one of two things. Either Frank is so attracted to her that he can’t admit it to anyone, or that he genuinely isn’t attracted to her at all.

Gerard is very pleased with that information. He’s choosing to believe Frank, because Frank is either a really good liar or he honestly doesn’t feel anything for Hayley, and it would mean so much to Frank if the latter is the case. Gerard really hopes that Frank is a bad liar, for more reasons than one.

Whatever it is that had been bothering Gerard seems to evaporate not long after he asks Frank about Hayley. Frank is a little surprised, but he doesn’t find it unwelcoming. He actually finds it to the contrary. He always likes Gerard, no matter the context, even when he’s screaming at him during practice, but Frank definitely prefers the warm, kind Gerard to the grumpy, bitter one.

Frank is still having trouble forming cohesive sentences, given that he is still pressed up right against Gerard, but he’s doing his best. Frank’s got this really persistent thought in the back of his head that it would be really nice to just cuddle against Gerard. Nothing overly scandalous or anything, just press himself against Gerard and putting his head in the crook of his neck. Maybe have Gerard’s arms around his waist or feel Gerard resting his cheek against the top of Frank’s head. Frank thinks he would give everything he has ever owned or will ever own to have that just for a moment. He can’t imagine anything in the entire world he would want more, not anything.

Frank doesn’t want hockey, doesn’t want the NHL as much as he wants to cuddle Gerard. Doesn’t want to kiss him or fuck him as much as he wants that. He can’t think of anything in the entire universe that could ever be better than just that. Just a cuddle. His skin yearns for it, wants to be touched by him, to be held.

Gerard’s having trouble looking at Frank. Whenever he does, he looks at his eyes and it goes downhill. When he looks away from Frank’s eyes, his gaze always falls immediately to Frank’s mouth, and that is an even bigger mistake, somehow. Gerard can’t stop looking at it, and it’s like he’s craving it. He actually feels something like hunger for the taste of Frank’s mouth.

Frank gets Gerard started up on comic books somehow, and that’s when Frank’s heart completely falls down the drain. He thinks he’s lost every one of his senses, and he also feels like he’s lost a whole lot of happiness, because it’s hard to be happy about winning the game when he doesn’t have what he wants even more than that. He doesn’t have Gerard and when Gerard starts talking about the X-men, there’s nothing that could be better than him. Nothing could be as beautiful and nerdy and excitable and adorable as Gerard. When he starts geeking out about comics, Frank sees stars. He feels a whole new sort of love that he’s never had for anything or anyone.

It hits Frank like a freight train at eighty miles an hour. He’s falling in love with this boy. It’s probably too late. He’s not even dating the guy and yet he might love him as if he is. Frank’s never loved anyone other than his mother, but he can’t imagine that it would feel all that different than this.

When he looks at Gerard, his heart stops, and it cracks in two. When he’s with Gerard, it mends itself, and when he’s away from him, it slips back into pieces. When Gerard touches him, a surge of warmth and clarity fills his entire body, and when the touch is gone, it’s like a darkness chilling into every crevice, every little corner. It takes all of Frank’s will not to grab and hold Gerard at every second he sees him. He actually feels like he’s fighting off an oncoming army as his stomach stabs him with the pain of not being in Gerard’s arms.

Frank can’t say he’s ever felt any emotions so intense as the ones he feels for Gerard. Frank really fucking hated his fourth-grade teacher. Like absolutely, unequivocally despised the slimy bitch. Up until now, he’d thought he’d never feel any emotion at all as much as the hatred he had for her, but he feels so much more for Gerard than he ever felt for that witch. Until meeting him, Frank never had a stronger emotion than that, and it took nearly ten years, but that intensity has finally been outmatched.

“But anyway, I just think that the power of the X-men universe is the strongest in any superhero story out there, because a lot of the story isn’t about fighting these archetypes of bad guys, or about these little episodic adventures that a cheesy superhero and their pals go on, inspiring hope and saving the world. A majority of the beauty of the X-men universe is that they’re not trying to save anybody but themselves, not really. X-men is like the most believable superhero universe because it analyzes the reaction of humanity to a different type of being, and I think that the mutants are a really good metaphor for the prejudices that society holds even to this day.”

“I just think they’ve got cool superpowers, but man, the way you put it makes me want to read the comics for real,” Frank says.

“Dude,” Gerard says, looking excited and his eyes go wide. “Are you serious? Cause, like, I’ll totally lend you the comics. I’ll lend you a heap of comics. Fuck, you can keep them if it means I can convince you to actually read them.”

Frank grins widely at the expression on Gerard’s face. He looks like Frank just told him the secret to the universe, and the absolute excitement in his face is something Frank would never in his wildest dreams think of taking away from him.

“Absolutely!” Frank replies. “I’ve never really read comics before, actually. If you like them, I’ll accept your recommendation like it’s gospel.”

“I’ll totally let you borrow them, as many as you want, for as long as you want! X-men is probably one of my favorite superhero teams. Well, but then there’s Doom Patrol, oh, and Watchmen, and oh fuck, I can’t recommend just one!”

“Who ever said it had to be just one?” Frank says, and that really sends Gerard on a frenzy.

“Fuck, oh shit, Frank, I should like, holy shit, I could just lend you all of them? I mean, cause then we can talk about them together, and you’ll understand, I mean you’ll understand, cause there’s no turning back once you know how good they are. Man, it’s a rabbit hole, and you’re never gonna leave.”

“Why would I want to?” Frank asks, and this floors Gerard, if possible, even more. He starts naming comic books and superheroes that Frank has honestly never heard of, and the way he talks about them is like a kid in the candy store, or like Frank at a hockey game.

“Fuck, I’m gonna ruin your entire life, but like, I’m not saying I won’t,” Gerard says. “Can you come by apartment tomorrow? I can hook you up with all the comics you could ever dream of.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Frank says, and that’s the fucking truth.

Gerard grabs a piece of paper from his pocket, which happens to be a brochure for lawn trimming, then asks the whole table for a pencil. It takes a minute before anyone even finds a writing utensil, but he’s eventually given a pen. Gerard writes down the directions to his apartment on the little empty space he can find between the margins of the brochure. Frank doesn’t know this town very well, but he pretends that he knows what Gerard’s talking about when he tells Frank how to find his place. Frank’s just going to consult Siri, but Gerard’s trying to be helpful so he’s not going to take that away from him.

Frank listens to Gerard nerd out about more comics, even more superheroes he’s never heard of, hears him rant about how much he hates the X-men movies, and Frank honestly couldn’t be more interested. Frank thinks Gerard could give him a lecture about how paper is made and Frank would still be unabashedly fascinated. There’s nothing Gerard could ever say that wouldn’t enthrall Frank.

Frank feels a little bit devastated when the group decides to dissolve, because the Olive Garden is closing. Frank feels like he’s being torn apart when he has to scoot himself out of the booth, because now he no longer feels Gerard pressed against him. Without Gerard there, it feels like a part of his world is missing. It’s like when you reposition something that had been warm and it suddenly becomes as cold as the arctic. What Frank wouldn’t give just to stay pressed against Gerard for eternity.

Frank does however find the time to talk to Hayley again, which he desperately wants to, considering that she’ll probably be driving back home now that the night is pretty much over. Frank says what is admittedly a rushed goodbye to Gerard before he winds his way over to Hayley, and asks her if he can walk her to her car.

“Of course you’d have manners like that, knowing your mom,” Hayley jokes, with a laugh. Frank just shrugs, because it’s admittedly true. Frank’s a perfect fucking gentleman. He may not be into girls but if he didn’t open doors for Hayley and walk her to her car, his mom would have his head on a stick.

“We didn’t get to talk as much as I would’ve liked,” Frank says, “we can just walk slowly.”

“Alright,” Hayley says. Frank and the rest of the team all gather up in the lobby of the Olive Garden, saying goodbyes and giving a few final congratulations to the others around them. Mikey is grinning ear to ear, still not down from the high of his goal. They hadn’t gotten to really celebrate the last game, because they’d been on the bus and it was a Wednesday, so this celebration is kind of a dual one. To be fair, though, this game is way more worthy of celebration anyway.

Frank smiles a little to himself when he and some of the others start to leave the building and he sees Pete and Patrick walking together in stride. He envies them more than he would care to admit, but he is so happy that they’ve got each other. Frank doesn’t have Gerard, or anyone else for that matter, so the fact that two of his friends have someone, each other, it does warm his heart a little bit. Ray gives Frank something of a wink when he sees him walking with Hayley down the sidewalk. Frank wants to yell at him that it’s not like that, but he knows Ray probably won’t believe him, so he just resigns and turns his attention to the pavement in front of him.

Gerard stares at the two of them, feeling a rush of jealousy again when he sees their figures walking next to each other in the moonlight. They honestly look like they’d make a cute couple. Frank actually looks tall when he’s stood next to Hayley, which is a sight to behold for Gerard, given that he’s the shortest guy on the team, even shorter than Pete.

Frank’s personality lends itself to a relationship quite cleanly. Even without dating him, it’s obvious to see that he’d be a good boyfriend. Frank is so considerate that it’s alarming sometimes to remember that he’s just one person. Frank could make a career in psychology if the hockey thing doesn’t work out, because his mere presence is a comfort. His entire aura gives off familiarity and ease.

Gerard whines to himself as he walks all alone back to his own apartment, wishing for nothing more to be walking there with Frank’s hand in his.

“What are you doing now?” Frank asks, “still skating?”

“Just as a hobby now,” Hayley says. “I don’t think I ever expected it to be much of anything more than that.”

“You could’ve gone places,” Frank says, “you could’ve tried out for the Olympics, or like, tried to go competitive.”

“I could’ve,” she shrugged, “I don’t think I really wanted to, though.”

“Really? Why not?”

“Well, skating is fun, a lot of fun. But for me, that’s all it is. It’s not like, my life, not anymore at least. I never want to completely stop, and I might go back to competing locally soon, once I reestablish myself a little bit in the community, but until then, I’m happy for it to just be a hobby.”

“I don’t think I could ever do hockey as a hobby. It’s too much a part of me. It’s everything, really. It’s all that I know and love and need. Hockey is everything I want from life.”

“I see that,” Hayley says, “I always kind of knew it too. You like hockey in a way I never liked figure skating. For you, it’s clear, it’s more than just a game, and that’s okay. I think it’s okay to know what you want from life, it’s actually remarkable. It’s something you should be proud of. No one knows what they want to do, but you do, and that’s astounding.”

“I still don’t have any of my shit together,” Frank jokes.

“No one does.”

“I know. It seems like it, everyone else always look like they know what they’re doing, way more so than yourself. But I do know that what I want is to just do hockey. To live hockey. I don’t have any plans beside that, because it’s really the only thing that I know for sure is true about myself.”

“Frank, if you play like you did out there all the time, there’s nothing you can’t do.”

“Gerard said the same thing,” Frank says, smiling.

“Well, he’s right,” Hayley says. “You look like you have it all together when you’re out there. You make it look easy. You make hockey a sort of dance, do you know that?”

“I’m always being told I skate like a girl. It’s probably because you taught me. I think, if anything, it gives me a competitive edge.”

“I’m glad that I could be of some help,” Hayley laughs, and then looks up at the sky. Frank looks up too, smiling, and then thinking about all the stars in the sky. None of them compare to Gerard; together, they still don’t come close.

“Hayley, can I tell you something?” Frank asks, getting a sudden but very strong urge that he couldn’t have even known himself he was going to feel.”

“Anything,” she responds.

“It’s, well, it’s kind of a big thing.”

“How big?” she asks.

“Like monumental, but not really. I mean, for other people I guess it is, but for me, it’s nothing that huge. For you, though, it might be big.”

“I’m all ears,” Hayley says, turning her attention away from the night sky to look at Frank. Frank suddenly feels the cold air around him, because it hits the heat of his face which helps him level his breathing. He’s nervous to let the words out, because he’s only ever done this once before, and it’s a very difficult thing to actually do.

“I’m, well I don’t want this to change anything between us,” Frank says. “It doesn’t have to, I mean, it shouldn’t.”

Hayley narrows her eyes, looking more and more curious as to what it is that Frank has to say, because he isn’t normally such a serious person. Right now, it’s as though he’s carrying something bigger than him.

Frank doesn’t think too much about it this time. He doesn’t give himself the opportunity to get nervous, because he lets the words slip out quickly, not without hesitation, but he lets them go which is an accomplishment in and of itself. “I’m, well, I’m g-gay.”

Hayley is a little bit taken aback at Frank’s words. Of all the things she might have expected Frank to have said, that was not one of them.

It’s not like she hadn’t considered it though. It doesn’t come as an enormous surprise. Hayley has known Frank since he was about four, before he had even started school. For nearly fifteen years of his life, Frank has never expressed interest in anyone at all romantically. Not girls, and not boys either. It’s never been anything that was all that pressing, so she’s never pushed him about it. She just assumed Frank was a private person when it comes to relationships, or possibly that he just didn’t want one.

Hearing him say the words though, puts a little bit of perspective on what she knows of him. Frank’s never been a stereotype of anything. Frank doesn’t fit any molds that have ever been created for anyone. Frank’s not a stereotypical skater, hockey player, or boy. He’s just Frank. He kind of inhabits his own facet of humanity which no other person has ever considered. This is just another thing to add to the list of things that separate Frank from everyone around him.

“Oh,” Hayley says, and nods. “I see.”

“Is that, is it okay with you?”

“What?” She asks, and then seems surprised by the question. “Oh, of course. Why not? Frank, you’re one of my oldest friends, I’d accept you for anything short of mass murder! Not like being gay compares to that even a little bit. I just mean that I don’t care what you are or anything like that. I care about you through whatever. It’s not something that you need to be worried about, Frank. You’re still you, I don’t see you any differently because of this.”

“Really?” Frank asks, smiling. He doesn’t have a hard time believing Hayley. She’s somehow even more trustworthy than Patrick. Frank didn’t know what Hayley’s views on the matter were, in all honesty. She could’ve been very prejudice and Frank would be none the wiser. But Hayley’s just not that type of person. She’s very warm, very gentle, very caring. There’s something almost maternal about Hayley, not like Frank sees her in that way, she’s just the kind of person who you can trust. She’s the kind of person who would buy you soup if you’ve got a cold, or give you a ride if your car breaks down a hundred miles away.

Hayley is someone who Frank feels like he could trust with all of his deepest secrets. She really is like a sister to him, and he’s always felt that way. He could never look at her in anyway other than that. He hopes Gerard believes that. Not that Frank stands a chance, but he doesn’t want Gerard to think he’s into her when he’s actually into Gerard himself.

“Frank, you’re like the only guy in my life who I actually trust,” Hayley says. “You’re like, I don’t know, you’re like my little brother. I love you unconditionally.”

Frank grins back at her, and he feels like the wind on his face reflects the feelings he has inside. The wind doesn’t actually feel that cold right now, it’s one of those lulls where the weather doesn’t seem nearly as cold as it actually is. The wind feels like a summer breeze. The sky feels like a peaceful blanket, or like a promise. A promise of what he’s unsure, but it’s got the same feeling behind it.

Frank gets somewhat of a jump in his step, feels like something has finally clicked, something that hadn’t quite clicked when he’d told Patrick. Patrick is his friend, one of his closest friends at that, but Hayley is something more. Even if he hasn’t seen her in a while, their relationship is a totally different dynamic than the one he has with Patrick. Hayley is something entirely different, and her opinion, her acceptance, it means more. Frank feels substantially more because Hayley knows. He feels a lot calmer. Frank almost feels at peace.

“So, do you like one of those boys then?” Hayley asks, getting this wild look in her eyes, like she’s ready for all the gossip. She would love nothing more than to do boy talk with Frank though, because clearly there’s someone, she can see it in his face, she just wants to figure out who it is that he likes. She’s suspected it all day, though she didn’t know quite what it was that she was actually suspecting until now. Looking back, she can see that there was tension, something that probably only she would notice, given how well she knows Frank. He definitely likes someone, that’s clear to see now.

“Uh, well, maybe,” Frank says, blushing.

“Oh my gosh, I knew it! Which one? Wait, no, don’t tell me, I want to guess.”

Frank laughs, but shrugs and thinks to himself, “why not?” Hayley’s a silly person in general, which he really admires about her.

“Okay, is it that really pretty one?” Hayley asks.

“I mean, they’re all pretty, you’re going to have to be more specific.”

“The one who’s prettier than all the other ones! What was his name… Travie?”

“Oh, right, yeah, Travie. I mean, yeah I guess he is a little bit better looking than some of the other guys, but no, it’s not him.”

“Really?” she asks, looking surprised. “Huh, well, I mean, less competition for me then, I guess, right?”

Frank snorts, and Hayley joins along with him. It’s simple, a simple sort of feeling, but a very nice one.

Frank quite enjoys the ease at which he’s able to talk to her about this. The fact that she’s so open, and nonjudgmental. Probably Frank’s favorite thing is how, in one word, uninterested about his sexuality she is. That’s not to say she’s being rude or brushing him off, it’s just, it doesn’t feel like Hayley cares one way or another what gender Frank likes, which is what Frank wants most in the world. He doesn’t want people to make a big deal out of it, because it’s not a big deal. It’s the simplest thing in the world, it’s just who he likes. Hayley just wants to gossip and talk about boys with him, the sort of tame friendly banter that you’re supposed to have with friends. It doesn’t need to be about Frank being gay, it’s just about Frank liking a person. Frank likes a boy, and she doesn’t care, she just wants the dirty details. It feels normal. Normal is all Frank wants.

“Alright, is it the twiggy one?”

“Definitely not,” Frank says, shaking his head, knowing immediately who she’s referring to. Mikey’s great and all, but he’s really not Frank’s type.

“Didn’t think so,” Hayley says, shaking her head, “You’d have to be careful with that one. You might cut yourself on his jawline.”

“Probably,” Frank nods.

“Okay, is it, it’s not Pete, is it?” she asks. Frank is not surprised that she remembers Pete’s name. Pete is a very hard person to forget.

“God no,” Frank says, “He’s, well… he’s Pete. No. Besides, he’s in a relationship.”

“Alright, I thought that might be a bad idea, he’s the captain, that just doesn’t seem like a good dynamic.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Frank shrugs. He wonders what she’ll think if she figures out that it’s Gerard. Gerard’s even further above Pete as far as seniority goes, being the assistant coach. Gerard’s about four years older than him, as well, which he supposes she might frown upon. It’s not like he likes Gerard because he’s the assistant coach, or because of his age for that matter, he just likes Gerard. Everything about him is what he likes, and it’s not up to him to decide how old Gerard is. Besides, Frank’s birthday is only a few days away, so that’ll make it a little less weird.

Frank is aware that it is still weird.

“Alright, I don’t know then,” she says, “just tell me.”

“Uh, well, okay, you’ve got to promise not to judge me.”

“I will try my best,” Hayley says.

“It’s Gerard,” Frank says, biting his lip. Getting that off his chest seems like quite a huge thing that he hadn’t even known was so heavy. He would love, absolutely adore having someone to talk to about Gerard. Even if she doesn’t know him very well, even the possibility of getting to talk and to vent to Hayley about how much he fucking loves that son of a bitch, it’s the most amazing prospect. Obviously, he’d like to have Gerard more, but having to bottle it all up inside himself, without letting it out, it constantly feels like he’s going to explode.

“Gerard…” she says, thinking and trying to place which one he is. “Oh, the grumpy one?”

Frank snorts, “yeah, the grumpy one.”

“He’s kinda cute,” she says.

“Kinda?” Frank asks, incredulous. Frank is under the impression that Gerard is the most perfect human on the face of the planet, so the fact that she thinks he’s only kinda cute is astounding to him.

“Well, he was kind of grouchy, wasn’t he? And you just won the game, doesn’t make sense to me why he’d be like that.”

“I mean… I don’t know, I genuinely couldn’t explain why he was behaving like that either, but, I just, I can’t help it. I like him a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like, whenever I see him it feels like I’m both dying and finally living at the same time. He’s so fantastic, and gorgeous, and funny, and such a huge fucking dork, and I love everything about him.”

“That’s what that awkward thing was,” Hayley says, “I thought you didn’t like him at first. Apparently, you act like that because you really like him.”

“Shut up,” Frank says, playfully pushing her, which makes her laugh with a brilliant sound in her voice that Frank suddenly realizes he’s been missing all these years. “You don’t think it’s weird, though, do you? I mean, I know he’s like, he’s not a teacher or anything, and it’s not like there are any rules against it. He’s barely even an employee at the school?”

“It could be worse,” Hayley says, shrugging. “I mean, you’re going to want to be careful, obviously.”

“He’s not gay, though!” Frank says, “I don’t even stand a chance.”

“He’s not?” Hayley asks, honestly a little surprised, because that is definitely not the vibe she was getting off of him earlier. She doesn’t know him though, Frank knows him much better, so she trusts him.

“He’s not. I wish he was. Fuck, if he was, my life would be complete. I would never be sad again if I had him. He’s like, Gerard is like the only thing in the world I want more than a career in the NHL. Well, not more maybe, but about as much.”

“He must be special if he’s got you all twisted up,” Hayley laughs, the same laugh that Frank likes so much. He can’t explain it, but her laugh fills him up with something like joy.

“Aw fuck, I can’t believe we went so long away from each other,” Frank says, as they come upon the parking lot outside the ice rink, meaning they’re going to have to say goodbye soon.

“Let’s just make a promise not to go so long again without talking this time, okay?” Hayley asks.

Frank smiles and nods, “it’s a deal.”

Notes

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