As soon as the words left my mouth, Gerard threw a 50$ bill on the table and grabbed my hand. He dragged me along the alley, fiercely, almost bumping into strangers. I tried apologizing to them but it was all in vain, because the second I turned around to do so, a force pulled me backwards and my back crashed against the door.

We were outside now.

A wild wind caught my face.

Gerard kept towing me down the parking lot, he clutched my jacket sleeve and I could feel my blood stop where the fabric got tighter.

“G-gerard!” I whimpered as my arm started to ache.

He didn’t answer but his pace got shaggy.

“Gerard!” I howled after him. “Where are you taking me?”

“I don’t know!” He rasped. “Away from here.”

“But Gerard you’re hurting me!”

“Well walk faster then!”

“Hey!” I barked through gritted teeth. “I wanna get away as much as you do but you don’t need to be rude!” I pulled on my arm so he would let me go.

Gerard stopped abruptly as I broke free. He just stood there- in the parking lot. The cool wind cried like a little girl, swirling my hair all around as I waited for him to do something- anything.

I finally heard a sigh- it sounded like regret.

“S...sorry.” His voice cracked quietly.

I bit my lip, slowly reaching his side. Gerard avoided my eyes but I grabbed his hand. He turned his head immediately, glancing at our mingled fists like they were aliens. Then he blinked at me, confused.

“See?” I smiled. “There’s no need to be rude.”

He swallowed. “Mia I’m… I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s okay.”

“But did I hurt your arm?” His eyes popped out.

“A little, but it’s okay.”

He heaved a breath. “Fuck. Mia I-”

“It’s okay.” I hushed but he only seemed more agitated.

Gerard tightened his hold around my fingers. “But I… I don’t know what came unto me. I swear it’s like when Mikey kissed her I could feel you breathe beside me a-and-”

“Shh” I put a finger on his mouth. “Let’s just go find a place, alright?”

He nodded, cheeks flushed.

Me and Gerard stumbled down the empty street, bypassing the closed shops and restaurants. I didn’t even know in which part of town we were anymore, it was all grey and very industrial, nothing charming at all whatsoever. Most of the pavement extended to gutters.

But the weird thing is that we were holding hands and… I didn’t mind. No, it just felt so… natural at that moment. Like when something feels right and you don’t know why, you just want it to carry on forever.

We stopped at a random corner.

Gerard was scanning the street from left to right now.

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Hum... is there anything I should know?”

“I’m just searching for a spot...”

I snorted. “Well, I mean, we could just sit on the sidewalk…”

“Nah, not here.” Gerard said, gaze lost into something now. “It’s too shady.”

“Well then maybe we should just go home...”

“Nah, not home either.” Gerard shook his head, narrowing to himself. “Besides, I think I know a place.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” His black eyes locked into mine, pupils dilating. “Do you trust me?”

A shiver ran down my spine. “I do.”

Gerard just stared at me for a while, as if to make sure he could take control. I noticed his lips were wet and he licked them. “Okay, follow me.”

I barely had the time to nod when his weight lurched me forward, but it wasn’t aggressive. Gerard tugged me down a random alley. It was very cramped and the darkness blinded me. I felt liquid splash on my calfs just as we stepped into another street; this one as empty as the previous one.

So yeah, this circus went on for quite a while, until we met a dead end.

The street wasn’t a street anymore, but a terrain. Or maybe some sort of private property, it was hard to guess. A tall and black gate blocked the access.

Gerard suddenly let go of my hand and gripped the top of the gate. He then propelled himself in the air and jumped over the fence. Just like that.

I reached the gate in a hurry and peeked my head through the bars. “Gerard! What the hell is this place?” I whispered but didn’t know why. Something felt illegal.

He rushed towards me. “You’ll know as soon as you cross over.”

“But can’t you just tell me now?”

“Uh-uh.” He touched the tip of my nose. “You have to jump first.”

I sighed and stepped back, taking a good look at the gate.

“You’re scared heh?” I heard Gerard taunt from the other side.

“No I’m not!” I pushed my woes aside and clutched the top of the rail, thrusting myself in the air. Then I hooked one leg over it, halfway suspended now. Okay... just a little push and I could slid across. “I just- argh--- I don’t get why you have to be so-- d-damn mysterious all the time!”

“I like the thrill.”

Then the rest is blurry.

All I can remember is landing on my feet. But since I’m a wild case of failure, I sorta fell on my hands too. Oh and the ground was wet, yeah, unsurprisingly.

Gerard chuckled. I felt his arms wrap around me as he lifted me up. “Careful there.”

I pushed him away, gently, wiping the dirt of my hands on my pants. “It’s fine, I’m fine.”

“We’re close now, come.” He held out his hand to me.

I blinked at it, still catching my breath. “And you promise there’s no other fence?”

He snorted. “I promise.”

“Alright...” I slipped my palm into his and didn’t fight back when he pulled me closer.

There was a trail on the ground- we followed it.

For the moment there was only trees - pine trees - creating rows along us. I wanted to ask Gerard where we were again, but rapidly figured it was pointless. Thankfully the moon was big, it guided us as we wandered the trail.

“Are we there yet?” I eventually murmured.

Gerard sighed. “Told you already. Be patient.”

I growled and looked the other way. “Fucking mysteries all the time.”

Gerard didn’t answer at that, but he sniggered.

I frowned at him. “Tss, you’re getting off on this, aren’t you?”

“Getting off on what?”

“Messing with me.”

He hummed a laugh. “Maybe...”

I fought a smile as he looked at me with tease. But it didn’t last very long, not when he looked at me like that. Soon enough, the corners of my mouth felt slack and we both broke into a weak laugh.

That was all it took to take my mind away.

Next thing I know, I was standing in front of a goddam cemetery.

I’m not kidding.

I fell into wonder, squinting at the graveyard ahead of me. Rows and rows of stones spread across the field. It seemed gigantic, surreal. And it was. But it was pretty.

“Does it creeps you out?” Gerard asked after a moment, uncertainty in his voice.

“N… no.” I murmured numbly.

“Come.” He squeezed my hand. “I wanna show you something.”

I only nodded, arm slumping forward as he guided me once more.

Our walk was a slow walk this time. I scanned every grave that came upon me, they were all grey and tarnished. This place was old, older than everything I’ve ever known. But the grass was soft, and alive, and so was the wind that soothed me.

I didn’t understand when Gerard stopped in front of a grave. He let go of my hand, fixing the stone with brooding eyes. But... this grave was different, it didn’t look as old as all the others.

I shifted, hesitating before speaking. “Is this someone you know?”

Gerard nodded. “My grandmother.”

“Oh-”

“She died 2 years ago.” He sniffed, hooking his thumbs in his pocket. “Just when I was writing the record.”

“She died of what?” I hoped he wouldn’t mind my question.

“Cancer.” Gerard spat the word like he hated it and dropped his butt on the ground, sighing. He then pressed his back against the grave and looked at me.

I just stood there, speechless.

Gerard laughed and shook his head. “Sorry... this is kind of intense.”

“No.” I kneeled down in front of him. “It’s fine.”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to bother you with this.”

“But you’re not.” I slid closer until our knees were touching. “Do you miss her?”

Gerard waited before speaking, distracted by a patch of dry grass. Then he nodded. “Everyday.”

“Well I’m sure she’s proud of you, Gee.”

“You think so?” He sniffed again and glanced at me with wide eyes.

I bit my lip. “Yeah...”

Gerard barely smiled, trailing off to nothing in particular. “But it fucks me up, y’know?”

“What?”

“Death.” He swallowed. “To know that someone doesn’t exist anymore, that you’ll never hear their voice again or touch them... They’re just--”

“Gone” I breathed.

He nodded. “Gone forever.”

“But can't you feel her? In your heart? Maybe she’s still there...”

Gerard pondered hard for a while, slowly getting lost inside himself. “No…” He then said coldly as he grabbed cigarette. “Not anymore.”

A silence came.

It wasn’t awkward but the atmosphere was kind of sad. The cemetery wasn’t helping, I guess.
My stomach was doing weird things now. I just played with rocks from the ground, watching my fingers as they got dirty. As for Gerard, he stared at the sky with dead eyes. We were both consumed by our thoughts.

But my thoughts- they were only him.

“Gerard...?” I made after a few minutes.

“Hm?”

“Is it…” I sighed. “Is it weird between us?”

He squinted. “Why’re asking that?”

“I- I don’t know...” I shrugged, wondering why I brought this up. “Because of… what happened in the restaurant.”

Gerard didn’t answer, but I heard his quiet laugh.

I frowned. “What’s funny?”

He shook his head. “It’s always gonna be weird between us, Mia.”

“Ow…” I glanced down.

He suddenly cupped my jaw to lift my head. “But I’m okay with that.”

“Y… you are?” I quivered.

“I am.” Gerard bit his lip. He tossed hair from my eyes I never even noticed until now. “I like you, Mia. You’re weird but I like you.”

Wait.

Did he just-

I tried to blink, making sure this was real. And it was... it wasn’t a dream. Gerard was there, just looking at me like no one has ever looked at me before. My heart flustered, I think I wanted to die.

He laughed warmly. “You okay?”

I only nodded.

His eyes ghosted over me, concern in them. He then touched my cheek with the back of his hand. “You look pale. Should I call a cab?”

I gulped. “If you want.”

“Okay. Wait for me.”

Gerard left in the blink of an eye. The gravestone had no eyes but it was staring at me now. I suddenly felt guilty, guilty of not telling him that I liked him too. I really did. But... maybe he saw it in me, maybe he heard in my silence or in the way I shuddered. Yeah... I think he did. Gerard could see everything, all of me... all the time.

“The taxi will be there in a minute.” I heard him say, snapping out of my heavy head.

“I’m coming.”

*

The ride home was long.

Thankfully the taxi driver had a lot to say, because I didn’t. My stomach was doing weird things again, even weirder than before. I didn’t know what it was, it’s like I hated it but loved it at the same time. Gerard sat at the front and I took the backseat. My lids felt heavy and I closed them until we arrived home. I even think I saw him peer at me from the rear mirror, but I’m not sure.

We were back at the house in no time, facing the front door.

Gerard battled with the lock, once again. Mikey was there too, I think. His old violet car was in the driveway. Then the door opened and creaked, but Gerard didn’t move.

He cleared his throat lightly. “After you.”

I huffed a short laugh. “Thanks.”

Everything was dark inside, hushed, just like we left it. But I could hear people snore, the noises came from the end of the hall. It was probably Mikey, o-or Luna? Hm, who knows...

I felt Gerard brush my back as he walked past me. I followed him as he went down the stairs to his bedroom. I threw myself on my bag as soon as I got there, looking for new clothes to sleep in. I knew Gerard was still in the doorway, though, I could feel his eyes on my back.

“Hum…” He made quietly. “You can sleep in my bed, if you want. I’ll take the couch.”

I turned around. “What? No. Gerard I can’t.”

“It’s fine, Mia. Take my bed.”

I closed the space between us. “B-but it’s so uncomfortable- the couch. Gerard yo-”

“I’ll be fine.” He smiled.

I panted a little. “I feel bad."

“Don’t.” Gerard tilted his head against the doorway. He let out a fainted sigh and just stared at me.

Okay, something was on his mind. And I wondered why he didn’t offer me to sleep by his side. Maybe he thought I rejected him earlier? Ugh fuck. I knew I should’ve said it back. Because I really, really really liked him too.

“Do you hum…” I started, voice shaky. “Do you want to sleep with me? I-I mean share- share the same bed.”

Gerard bit his lip into a smirk. “It’s better not.” He then brushed my cheek with his thumb, softly, letting it fall on my lip just before taking it off.

I shivered. “O-okay...”

“Sleep tight, Lechowski.” And there, he said it again… my name like it’s a sad song.

“G’night.” I pushed on the door because it was all I could do.

This story is old, I know... but it goes on.

*

Morning came and I wasn’t ready.

Gerard’s bed was so snuggy, I lost track of time the second I crashed on the pillow.

But… the air was cleaner now, lighter, even my lungs breathed differently. The sun peaked in haze across the bedroom, but nothing felt clustered like it used to. I sat straight up on the bed.

And then I saw it- the room.

The mess was gone, all of it; the cigarettes, the socks, the papers. It was all gone. The ground was clean now, and I, for the first time, could see the patterns of the wooden floor. I blinked, confused. Did Gerard clean the room while I was sleeping? A-and if so… how the hell haven’t realized it? Shit. I must’ve slept real hard. I wondered what time it was.

Then I heard voices- upstairs- a lot of voices.

I checked my watch- it was 2pm. Aw Shit.

I quickly jumped out of bed and stormed out of the room. I was still wearing the same clothes as the night before and probably had a nasty bed head, but I didn’t care.

The voices became clearer as I climbed the stairs, people were laughing too. It came from the kitchen, I think. Yeah. That’s where they came from. I tiptoed down the main hall, anticipating the worst…

And then, as I leaned against the doorway... I saw them. The 5 of them. Frank, Ray, Mikey, Bob… and Gerard. They were all talking and laughing in the kitchen, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes with big bright smiles. It felt so weird to see them together again, especially with the afternoon sun that came from the windows. I suddenly wanted to hide in a corner. But I didn’t, it was too late.

Frank was the first to notice me.

“Mia?” He exclaimed. “Hey!” He rapidly placed his mug on the table and walked towards me.

“Frank…” I made, overwhelmed.

“It’s so good to see you!” He hugged me before I could even respond. It took me a few seconds to hug him back, but I did. “What are you doing here anyway?” He asked as he let me go.

I ran a nervous hand through my hair. “Hum, didn’t they tell you? I’m here for interviews.” Pff- yeah right. I did everything except interviews! But that… he didn’t need to know.

“Oh, right.” He wondered. “Yeah, I think he told me that.”

I hummed in respond.

“Listen...” Frank spied on his surroundings, as if to make sure nobody could hear him. He then leaned closer to my ear. “Have you done something to him?”

I raised an eyebrow. “What? To whom?”

“Gerard…” He whispered. “He’s sober and smiling… I’ve never seen him like that before. It’s freaking me out.”

“Oh…” I flinched. “Well, no. I-I mean... I just helped him a little.”

“Damn…” Frank teased. “D’you practice voodoo or what?”

I chuckled. “‘Course not...”

He laughed too. “Anyway, whatever you did there, Mia, it’s working wonders.”

I shrugged. “Didn’t do much.”

Frank smiled genuinely, then cleared his throat. “So, are you coming with us?”

“Where?”

“The radio station. In Jersey City.”

I swiftly remembered. My mind wasn’t fully awake yet, if you hadn’t noticed. “Oh uh, yeah. I am.”

“Cool, we’re leaving soon.” He grinned. “Should be fun.”

“Can’t imagine.”

Frank then tapped my shoulder and winked. He went back to the others, leaving me on the spot.

Gerard was in the back of the kitchen, just talking to Bob near the backyard door. And… Frank was right. I’ve never seen him like this before, he was so… radiant? Yeah, that’s the word. His black locks curled against his cheeks; they were cherry. The perfect kind of red. Also his eyes were glassy, full of life, eager to hear whatever Bob had to tell him. I swear he looked so beautiful, probably unaware, and it knocked the wind out of me.

Ugh.

My stomach felt funny again, way too funny.

Gerard eventually spotted me, slightly weaving his head. A lopsided grin was plastered on his lips and Bob kept on babbling nonsense to him. He nodded as he listened, but his eyes, they were on me now. And I thought maybe the top of my head would fall off, I was smiling so wide. He almost seemed lost for a second… then he looked away.

Shit.

What the hell was wrong with me? Smiling like that? I needed coffee. Now.

I found myself having to drink the cold leftovers from the pot, but hey, at least it was caffeine. Ray also came up to me, he gave me a smack on the back, causing me to jump. But he seemed pretty happy to see me, so that was alright. I then complimented his afro, which strangely looked foxier that day. And he complimented my all. Yeah, he was alright.

Mikey called for departure after receiving a call from who I presumed- was Brian. Everybody replied with an agreement sound, leaving everything as it was - messy and unfinished - heading straight for the front door.

“Lechowski!”

I then heard through the hall.

I turned around- Gerard rushed over and nudged me against the wall.

“Whoa. Gerard.” I gasped.

“Lechowski-” He breathed out again. “Listen, is it okay if we do the interview tonight? After the radio show. I don’t think we’ll have time before that.” He was close, breathing close, kinda way too close for my own good.

“Uh- yeah. T-tonight’s fine, before the last train.”

He smiled but it melted away. “So you’re leaving tonight then?”

“Yeah, I’ll take the night train. Everybody’s waiting for me.”

He nodded. “And have you called your parents yet?” Dammit. Why did he always have to worry so much about me? It used to be annoying but- not so anymore.

“Fuck.” I groaned. “I totally forgot.”

Gerard snorted. “Doesn’t matter... I guess you slept a lot.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Have you been watching me?”

“No.” He swallowed. “W-well- I saw you because I cleaned the room. But I didn’t stare…if that’s what you’re assuming.”

I bit a smirk back. “I’m not assuming anything.”

A whistle filled our ears.

“Guys, fucking hurry up! We have to leave, right now!” Mikey hollered at the door, impatience in his voice and face.

Me and Gerard blinked at each other, slightly taken aback, then hurried outside.

It was a pretty day.

Thankfully Ray’s car was there too so there was enough place for everybody. I hopped in with him and Frank since I hadn’t seen them in a while. And the farther I’d be from Gerard, I figured, the lesser my stomach would go crazy. And to be honest, I surely didn’t miss Mikey’s driving skills.

I just really missed my van.

Oh and Suko, yeah… fucking Suko.

*

WFMU, Radio Station - Jersey City, New Jersey

I’ve never imagined radio stations to look like this, which was- absolutely generic. I don’t know, maybe it’s my eternal dreamy mind that always made me think that radios were glamorous. Well, here’s a flash; it isn’t. Since getting this job, I’ve come a long way to realize that nothing is ever as it seems. But that’s me, I love people and things from afar, and forever build my own imaginary world in which my delusional, idealistic love is requited.

Anyway, the building was a square- a brown square. At least you knew what to expect. The 6 of us stood in front of the edifice, squinting as the sun violated our eyes. It was kinda hot too, the air was making waves.

“Is this the right place?” Frank asked, sounding quite lost.

“Of course it is, you dumbass.” Gerard replied, blatantly smacking a bubble gum. “Says Radio on top.”

Everyone snorted, except Frank. “Hey it’s the damn sun okay? I can’t see anything with that shit in my eyes.”

“Ever heard of sunglasses, Frank?” Ray shot.

Frank grunted a little and lighted a cigarette in protest. I smiled at him, nudging him with my elbow. It was quite interesting to see them interact together, they were like brothers, never missing an opportunity to ridicule each other. But I couldn’t help and feel sorry for Frank, even though he wasn’t really hurt. Oh well...there goes my inner mom again.

Inside, everything smelled like an office; clean but lonely, and the walls were too white. The recording studio was on the fifth floor and we had to take a tiny elevator to get there. It was kinda tight in there, especially with the 6 of us. But I guess everything would’ve been fine if Gerard wasn’t standing right behind me. I had to hold my breath the whole time because his hips brushed against my ass. Fuckin hell. I needed to calm down.

Hopefully the ascend was quite short.

We found the studio quickly.

The door opened and a tall plastic-faced man appeared. “My Chemical Romance! Wow! Such an honour!” His teeth were perfect and bright, and his voice, god his voice. So suave and deep, straight out of a commercial. “I’m Ken, by the way. It’s so great to have you here, thanks for meeting us today.”

“Sure, no problem. We always love doing stuff in Jersey.” Gerard said, shaking his hand, and so did the rest of us.

The studio was much cozier than the rest of the building. There was a large table with microphones and a little space to play music on the side. It wasn’t super big, but it was enough.

I stayed close to the door, watching lazily from afar as everybody got comfortable.

“Who’s that girl over there? Your girlfriend?” Ken eventually asked as they all took a seat around the table, obviously talking about me.

I shifted and pretended I didn’t listen, focusing on my nails.

“Uh? Oh! No, no.” Gerard laughed, I could hear the blush in his voice. “She’s hum… she’s just a reporter.”

Just a reporter? Really?

was that all I was to him…

“Oh, I see.” Ken said. “Well, you know what they say, never make friends with the press. Once the ripping days are over…you’re dead to them.” He whispered the last words but I heard them anyway.

Then everybody laughed.

I couldn’t help but frown as I turned my head to look at them. But what I saw struck me, because everybody was laughing their asses off like I didn’t exist… Well, everybody except him. Gerard seemed...preoccupied, or annoyed. I stared at him subtly. He eventually trailed off to me but it didn’t last very long because Ken started his intro. He snapped away and a giant smile appeared on his lips. I couldn’t tell if he was faking it.

Gladly, we could smoke in here.

The interview started and I found a little chair in the corner - retracted in the shadow - just how I like it. I smoked cigarettes after cigarettes, distractedly listening to the interview as I scribbled down some notes. The interview seemed pretty casual, though, more like a conversation between friends. Of course Gerard had the loudest mouth but I wasn’t surprised. Even Ken cracked a few naughty jokes here and there. It was alright. They mostly talked about their record and how they started off in Jersey, all that stuff. Nothing I didn’t knew.

Once Ken wrapped it up with a commercial break, the band made it’s way to the other side of the room where instruments and microphones had been installed for them. I closed my notebook promptly, unaware that they’d be performing today.

“Aaaaand we’re back live in the studio with My Chemical Romance here at WFMU radio!” Ken announced once the break was over. “So, the band’s now getting ready to play a little something for you--- a little surprise. Gerard, can you tell us which songs you’ll be playing for us today?”

Gerard was already standing in front of his microphone as the rest of the band finished installing and plugging the material. He nodded and smiled as he adjusted his earplug. “Yeah, we’ll start with To The End. Hum, then probably go Acoustic…get something soft going on.”

“Oh, something soft. I like that.” Ken replied. “Do you guys need any help with the equipment? No offence but your buddie seems kinda lost over there.” I think he was talking about Frank. Of course he was.

Gerard glanced behind him and giggled. “We’re okay--- Frank knows what he’s doing. He’s just a little messy ‘is all.”

Ken stifled a laugh. “Oh, alright then! I hope everybody is having a great time by the way. Wherever you are, in your car back from work, watching the sunset on the highway or at home having a cold one with old friends. Or maybe you’re lonely, and that’s fine too. Wherever you are, really. Thanks for joining and listening.”

Okay… Maybe Ken was rude, but he surely knew how to host a radio show.

The band hushed and whispered for a while, I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Then Gerard grabbed the microphone again. “Alright--- we’re ready.”

I grabbed another cigarette, getting ready for the show. The studio fell into complete silence and Gerard’s face lost all emotion.

In the next second, Frank’s guitar cried out and Gerard’s eyes expanded as the first words of ‘To The End’ slipped from his lips. Fuck, how good it was, that sound- that dirty, sleazy rock n roll sound that rips through your soul. I missed it so much. So damn much. I started trashing on my own, focusing on the chaotic noise that wrapped around my brain- the intensity of the song.

But it all ended too soon.

Ken rambled to the audience again, praising at how amazing the performance has been. For once I could agree with him. Gerard thanked him, humbly, just like he does those kinda things.
A little sweat had drawn his skin and I could see it shimmer from where I was.

But then the lights turned dim and I wondered why.

Gerard grabbed a little stool to sit on while Frank and Ray switched to acoustic guitars.

Another silence came, even deeper than the previous one. I suddenly felt the need to hug my legs.

Gerard leaned against his microphone again, almost kissing it like he once kissed my neck. “This one is called…The Ghost Of You.”

I don’t think I was ready for what was about to happen. Oh no. I really wasn’t.

The song started gently and it was perfect. But then- his voice broke into my ears, so soft and mellow and I swear all abandoned me. I felt like dying. Or crying. Or flying. Fuck. I don’t know. I-I can’t explain it- it’s like I was hit by a wave of so many feelings all at once, it was overwhelming. My stomach loomed again, in every directions and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was so beautiful- he was like a dream but even better because he was real.

Gerard was real.

He was so real.

My lies weren’t.

Oh dammit.

My tears started falling now. I wiped them away, roughly, hating myself for being so emotional. Why did I have to be this way? Why? It was just a song, just a stupid sad song. But I couldn’t help it.

It was his fault- all of it.

His fault that I loved him.

Notes

this story is not dead. i am not dead. :)