Why is the bedroom so cold?
You've turned away on your side.
Is my timing that flawed?
Our respect runs so dry.
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives.

Joy Divison - Love Will Tear Us Apart

*

Gerard’s basement smelled like a dusty attic, an old musty shirt that got kept in a closet for too long. I called it the cavern, because that’s basically what it was. It was Gerard’s cavern. His fortress of solitude. A place where he probably spent all his teenage years hiding from the big bad world, trapped between those walls and the thoughts in his head.

Everything in this place reminded me of him, from the chipping paint on the tobacco imbued walls, or the lack of daylight caused by the absence of windows. This was him, all of it; the part of him I’ve never known. The root of his self destruction.

And yet, there I was. Walking clumsily towards the bathroom, knees buckling as I tried to understand what just happened. The floor was cold, so cold. But it felt kinda good, because my body was on fire. I was dazed and confused, somehow still sitting on the floor with him, absorbing his wet mouth against my neck as wanton words slipped from it.

But I pushed him away again.

I left him there.

All alone.

But how could I stay? How could I...

I didn’t want him to see me this way, I was filthy. Even though I knew he didn’t care. Even though I knew that, if I had let him, he would’ve ripped my clothes off and licked every damn inch of skin I judged to be dirty.

Ugh.

But I didn’t want that.

Or... m-maybe I did… Maybe I did and ran away again.

Fuck. I needed a shower. Now. A cold one, a frozen one, one that’d stop me from thinking.
One that’d stiffen my blood and make me come down again, make me clean - in every damn sense of the way.

I entered the small bathroom and turned the lights on, blinking a few times. The lighting was slightly yellow, glooming very poorly and the walls were painted white. There was a shower in the back, toothpaste stains on the sink and dirty towels on the ground. The surface of the floor was kind of wet, as if someone used the shower not so long ago and didn’t bother to dry off. Guess we all knew who did that - I could see his wet footsteps on the tiles.

Anyway, I just yanked my clothes away, not even caring where they landed and hopped in the shower. The pressure of the shower-head was really strong, giving me a body massage. I couldn’t help but moan a little. Then I grabbed Gerard’s 2-In-1 Hair+Body Wash and squeezed a large fucking amount in my hand. I just rubbed my body with it, like my life depended on it, foaming the gel against my skin until I looked like a snowman.

Ugh. It felt great. So damn great.

There wasn’t a lot of space in the shower, though, making it hard to turn around. But then, I spotted Gerard’s shaver. It was inside a crevice on the wall, just below the window. At first, I wondered if I should use it. I mean, it wasn’t mine after all. But then I noticed my hairy legs and all guilty thoughts were shot aside. Seriously, I don’t think Gerard would mind. Plus I could totally buy him a new one.

I wasted no time, grabbing the small object as I bent down, shaving my legs until they were nice and silky again. And then, that was it, I was clean, I was smooth. I smelled like a boy but I didn’t care. The scent was comforting, and slightly sexy. Because damn, it smelled like him a little. A bit too fresh though, Gerard didn’t smell that fresh.

Anyway, I hurried out the shower, completely soaked as I grabbed a dirty towel from the floor, wiping my skin out until I was dry. Then I kneeled down beside my bag and picked new clothes. I knew most of them weren’t clean, but I had this plain white t-shirt, which was kinda long, almost like a dress, and it seemed like the perfect outfit. I just slid it over my head and picked a pair of black panties. And that was it. Then I brushed my hair, slicking them back, making them stick on my scalp. I took a good look in the mirror just before getting out, slightly nervous of what my reflection would be. But honestly, it wasn’t so bad.

I looked clean, that’s for sure.

I stepped in the main room again, welcomed by the wide space and darkness. The cool air clashed against my skin instantly. First thing I noticed was the different music. I could hear it from where I was. But it wasn’t David Bowie anymore, no. It was Shine On You Crazy Diamond from Pink Floyd. The rock’n’roll song blasted from the walls, it was kinda loud, kinda slow, kinda fucking sensual too. Seriously, what the hell was going on? I mean, I pretty much left him halfway dead over there. And now? There he was, smashing sweaty rock’n’roll at 4am. Oh well.

This was Gerard after all. I could never tell.

I tiptoed towards the door, squinting as I wondered. My feet were reluctant, slowly adapting to the pace of the music, which was very airy and transcending. It’s almost like I… like I was high? Yeah - this music - it made me high all suddenly. Then I got closer again, just a little more. I noticed the door was barely open, only a crack was leaking. I could see the hot sparks of the candles coming out of it.

Then?...Well, I took another step.

I was right in front of the door now.

And I- I …. I heard something.

It was like someone breathing, panting. I didn’t move for a while. I couldn’t. I just peeked an eye inside the crack, eyes darting back and forth until… until-

God.

My stomach turned, my face got all hot as a loud gasp escaped my mouth.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Gerard was sitting on the edge of the bed, body arched forward. His jet black hair covered his face and his pants were shoved down his pale thighs. He had his cock in his hands, jerking himself off.

Just totally-

Totally jerking himself off.

“M’fuhk-” He groaned quietly. “Aah-”

I swear, it’s like a bus ran over me. This sight of him, it was so… so damn vulnerable, so raw. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Gerard wouldn’t stop moving his hand, stroking it up and down, sliding against the head of his cock hard each time it went up. He was panting, mouth open wide and wet, like there wasn’t enough air in the room. The repetitive groans he made were raunchy and shaky, making me squirm on the spot.

Then in a heavy trust, Gerard dropped back on the bed, mouth opened wide as his eyes rolled back to his skull from indecent pleasure. He arched his back into the strokes, exposing his pale throat. I could see the way his muffled moans got caught in it. Oh man. He was all sweaty, desperate, desperate for release. His hand moved faster now, tracing the length of his swollen member in a hurried pace. Pre-cum was leaking at the pink tip and he was so big and hard. I licked my lips and rubbed my thighs together to ease the growing pain in between my legs, unable to look away now, I was under his spell.

I needed to see his come - I needed to hear him moan again. Oh god, it’s all I wanted now.

Gerard's thighs were shaking now, so badly, quivering under his movements. Then his free hand reached for something, making imprecise movements in the air because he couldn’t focus on anything else but his fucking dick right now. But then, it finally got a hold of the sheets and Gerard shoved them into his mouth. He bit into the fabric like a hungry dog, now breathing raggedly through his nose as he played with the base of his shaft, shaking it roughly as he growled through his gritted teeth. I could tell he was close now - he really was. His face was all red, his eyes were shut tight as he bit the sheets to suppress the broken moans. But it wasn’t really working.

Oh god.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. All I could was watch.

“Awh fuck Mia-” He then managed to say with a voice so throaty and low that I almost fainted. I quickly shoved a hand on my mouth so he wouldn’t hear me whimper.

Gerard stroked even faster now. His other hand grabbed his balls and massaged them messily as the other kept on pumping his leaking shaft. “Uh- Ah- Aaaah-” His breathing got louder, messier, noisier, full of rage and desire now. The resonance came from the pit of his stomach. Then his toes curled, they slid against the floor with no coordination. The top of his head sunk deep in the bed.

“Mm’fuuuuhk” He let out, all raspy and abandoned, mouth open wide as saliva dripped down his throbbing lips. He arched his back even more, humping his chest in the air. Stroking harder, faster and just looking so goddamn beautiful and messy like that.

Oh god. This guy, he was like the angel of sex, sent from heaven or hell - probably hell. He took my breath away, he ripped my senses apart, he destroyed my reasons - everything. He took everything I had. I felt like my legs were about to give in, I wanted to open the damn door and jump on him. I wanted to fuck him, finish him off, make him moan my name again. Oh- but I wouldn’t. I swear I was about to lose my fucking mind.

Gerard kept the same pace for a good 10 seconds, never stopping the heavy strokes, I could hear the wet suction of his hand on his dick-

And then-

He came.

Hard.

A loud and incoherent cry tore through his vocal cords as the cum exploded all over his stomach and the sheets. Gerard stroked himself throughout the orgasm, hips rocking steadily as his hands slowed down. Then, once he was all spent, his arched back collapsed onto the bed. And so did his arms. His cock was all soaked, it laid on his stomach.

I was still in the doorway, immobile, not wanting to be seen. I was turned on and confused all at once. I couldn’t believe he said my name. I couldn’t believe he said my fucking name. My eyes had witnessed so many sins, in so little time. My damn heart pounded in my chest, it resonated in my ears and they were burning. I didn’t know what to do. Fuck.

Gerard simply blinked, staring at the ceiling as he tried to catch his breath. Then he sat back up and sighed. He held his head in his hands and pressed his elbows on his knees. Then he sighed again, but his sigh, it was full of sorrow. I blinked a few times, concerned about his sudden mood change. Gerard wasn’t moving, at all. He just stayed there, helpless and half naked as the guilt consumed his soul. He also shook his head, rubbing messy hands all over his cheeks and eyes. Oh man. I panted a little - this didn’t look good. But I had to hide before he would see me.

I quickly turned around and tiptoed towards the bathroom.

As soon as I arrived there, I shut the door behind me, very carefully. Then I opened the sink and splashed some icy water on my face, ruthlessly, until I came down. Oh I swear it’s like I hadn’t even shower, my whole body was sweaty. I was panting so hard, choking on my own sinful thoughts.

But then, I came down. Finally.

I waited near the doorway for a few seconds until opening it up again. Then I stepped in the basement once more. First thing I noticed was the lack of music, the music had stopped. I couldn’t hear anything, it was silence and I didn’t like it. Oh but fuck it, I took a deep breath and made my way to his bedroom.

The wooden frame was just in front of my face now.

I closed my eyes, gaining my thoughts as I slammed it open. I just faked my best innocent smile and entered his dome.

Gerard’s back was facing me, he was staring at the wall, it seemed like he was biting his nails.

Then I cleared my throat.

Gerard shifted around violently, looking rather petrified.

“Hey” I simply said, smiling softly - but probably awkwardly.

Gerard gulped. “H-hey” He avoided my eyes. “H-how was the shower?” He rubbed the back of his head nervously.

“It was great.” I snorted. “I really needed it.”

He laughed nervously.

I frowned a little, unsure of what to do now. But I had to pretend I didn’t see him so I sauntered towards his bed. “So, no music anymore?”

“Uuh wait!” He halted me just as I was about to sit on the mattress.

I stopped, blinking. Gerard pushed me aside and leaned over the bed, he yanked the sheets away, rolling them into a ball. “Uhh just- just a minute- the sheets aren’t clean and I wouldn’t, y-you know… want you to sleep in my dirt-” He stuttered so badly, his voice was still throaty and damaged for all the moaning.

I blushed, suddenly realizing why he was doing that - as Gerard came hard in the sheets just few minutes ago. He was moving so quickly I swear, grabbing the sheets and all the pillows like his life depended on it. I simply took a step back and watched him, wrapping my arms around myself, overwhelmed by his frenzy. Normally I would’ve asked why he was so nervous, but since I knew, I didn’t push it.

“Hum okay, thanks.” I murmured. “I can sleep straight on the mattress if you want.”

Gerard swung around to look at me, holding the massive pile of grey and sticky sheets. He blinked again, cheeks red and sweaty from his orgasm. “Huh no, it’s cool. I’ll get some new ones. J-just- just wait here.” He babbled - then rushed out the room as quick as lighting.

I gasped out of relief as soon as he was out of my sight.

Oh god, this fucking pretending game was driving me crazy. But I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed for what he did, even though it seemed like he was anyway. I’m pretty sure getting new sheets was just an excuse to get away from me. I chewed on my lips so hard as I wondered, but then I sighed and sat on the naked bed. I scanned the room in confusion, anticipating his comeback, joggling with the idea of telling him the truth.

But I couldn’t come to terms with my questions, because then, Gerard came back. He almost threw himself in the doorway. I gasped and stared at him. Our gazes locked for a few seconds, he was out of breath. It’s like our eyes were talking to each other, I could see the words he wouldn’t said. But then he flushed and looked away as he walked towards me.

Gerard cleared his throat, trying to look all relax now, but it wasn’t working. “Hum just- just get up, I’ll put this blanket on top.”

I simply nodded and did as he told me.

Gerard spread a black quilt on top of the mattress, then he threw a couple of new (but old) pillows on the surface, all with a flagrant lack of finesse and tenderness. “There you go.”

“Thank you.”

Gerard swayed around and scratched his head as it tilted on the side. “D’you still wanna listen to music?”

I shook my head “No. Just- sleep. Sleep is fine. It’s kinda late.”

He nodded and swallowed. Then he walked to the other side of the room in a hurry. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I shrugged it off and jumped on the bed. I grabbed one of the pillows and scooted against the blanket. It was pretty comfortable. I even purred a little, it was so warm and it smelled like him.

Then Gerard came back, he kneeled down beside the bed and blew on all the candles, making the room completely dark now. I watched his figure, making sure to stay on the edge of the bed so he would have enough space.

But he didn’t join me.

Gerard just dropped dead on the floor.

I heard him gather a bunch of dirty clothes from the ground as he crafted himself a shitty pillow. He just laid there like an idiot, drowning in the pool of his own chaos - pretending like this was completely normal.

“Goodnight” He simply muttered, his back was facing me.

I squinted in the dark. Okay, he was acting way too weird now. I mean, I knew he jerked off and felt embarrassed - but why did he feel the need to avoid me like that? Was sleeping beside me so bad that he preferred sleeping in a pile of junk instead? I didn’t get it. I had to talk to him.

I just lifted my head from the pillow and sighed. “Gerard-” I started. “What are you doing over there?”

He shrugged. “Sleeping”

I shook my head. “On the floor? With all that crap around you?”

“Yeh” He shrugged again.

I rolled my eyes and sniffed a laugh. “Gerard come on, don’t be ridiculous. Just come on the bed with me.”

“Uh-uh”

I sighed. “But why?”

“You know why.”

“No, actually I don’t.”

Gerard rolled around promptly, I could barely see his face but it seemed like he was frowning. “Yes you do Mia.”

I opened my mouth. “Uh” then closed it instantly and groaned a little. “B-but-” I started. “But I’m all clean now.”

I heard Gerard shudder below me, his breath got caught in his throat. “S-stop Mia” He swallowed. “It’s… it’s better if I stay on the floor.”

I bit my lip, crawling closer to the edge to have a better look at him. “Argh but please… just come.”

“No Mia!” Gerard yelled now.

“But-”

“I said no!”

I frowned and moved back, pouting. “Pff- alright, if you prefer sleeping in your old socks.” I crossed my arms.

Gerard just groaned and turned around, his back facing me again. He curled against the floor like an angry ball and didn’t move.

I panted, biting the inside of my cheeks. I was way too preoccupied to go to sleep now, let alone pretend like nothing happened. We weren’t talking and the damn silence was unbearable. Plus I didn’t get enough answers from him. I had to push him a little more - just enough - I had to tell him what I saw.

At least truth was truth, and it was still a better option than arguing like 2 immature teenagers like we always did.

I sighed. “Look Gerard, I saw you.”

His figure twitched. “Wha?”

I sighed again, louder. “I saw you jerking off. I saw everything, Gerard.”

Gerard didn’t say anything back but his breathing got shaky.

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to feel ashamed about it.”

“Fuck”

“Gerard I swear it’s fine.” I swore, then laughed a little. “It was pretty hot actually…”

“Aaargh” He muffled through his teeth.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his growing irritation. But I really shouldn’t have done that. Because Gerard didn’t take it as lighthearted as it was intended to be.

He rolled over again and even though there wasn’t a lot of lighting coming from the window, I could see his eyes, they were flaring at me - they were icy cold. “What, you think it’s funny? Do you know how fucking embarrassing this is for me?”

“N-no, no Gera-”

“You left me there Mia, all worked up, on the edge. What was I supposed to do huh?”

“But it’s oka-”

“Now you come back here, try to seduce me with your little voice, pretend like you don’t know what the fuck is going on and fucking laugh at me?”

I frowned. “No! It’s not that at all, I swear I ju-”

“You knock on my door at 3am, begging for my help...and I give it to you! I give it to you Mia! You asked me to hold you and I fucking held you!” Gerard roared, voice filled with broken anger.

“Ger-”

“But you ran away again, you left me there like a stupid fuck!” His tone was so harsh, it ripped me apart. “I just did what I had to do. Now leave me alone, I'm tired.”

Then another silence came, just as Gerard was about to turn around.

But I broke it.

“I’m sorry....” I whimpered.

Gerard laughed silently, but it was bitter, so damn bitter. “I don’t care Mia.”

“But Gee…”

“I said I don’t care!”

I panted nervously, twitching on the bed. Oh fuck. I didn’t want him to be angry at me, I needed him. I needed him so bad.

I just crawled out of bed without thinking. “B-but Gee, I’m so sorry I swear...I didn’t mean to laugh at you-”

“Are you fucking deaf I don’t care! I don’t give a shit Mia!”

Then I dropped on the floor, eyes in despair, eyes in fear, crawling towards him on my hands and knees. I stepped on shoes and cigarettes, I could barely see him.

“Please, Gerard, d-don’t be mad at me...”

“Get away” Gerard barked as he saw me moving closer.

But I wouldn’t - I couldn’t.

“Mia stop”

I just gripped his arm and pulled on it roughly, trying to wrap it around me - he growled. “Just- just cuddle with me, p-please-”

“Argh get away from me!” Gerard groaned as he pushed me away violently. “Don’t touch me! Don’t fucking touch me!”

I squeaked and shuddered, landing in a pile of trash - feeling like trash, face pressed against an old shoe now. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t - I just choked on my own gasps. I wasn’t even able to look at him.

Then Gerard stood up, stepping on an empty beer can, his feet crushed it like my heart did. “Go to sleep Lechowski” He spat at me.

Then he disappeared.

The door slammed against the frame.

My mouth was opened wide but no sound was coming out.

It’s like he sucked my heart and stomped on it like a cigarette.

But I knew I fucked up, it was all my fault.

Everything.

Ow.

The killing silence was back again. This room, this warm room - it was cold now. I just buried my face in whatever junk I could find and shut burning my eyes.

But even the dust here, it smelled like him. It smelled like everything I wanted, everything I couldn’t have and it hurt my stomach.

I just listened to the sound of the wind as my limp body gave in.

This never ending day-

it had to stop

it had to

now

Notes

okay that was messy. it's my damn fingers, they got carried away again, they always do.

anyway, stay strange.