Life As We Know It

What do you do when you feel dead inside? What little memory I have of that night keeps flooding my vision. Even sleeping next to Frank, his assuring me that everything is over and no one can hurt me anymore, doesn’t help. It’s all too fresh, too real. How did I let that happen? Why hadn’t I just staid with Gerard and Lyn-Z? On Monday Gerard takes Frank back to Grand Central Station. I sit in bed, staring at the closet doors as if they’re magically going to solve everything. I can’t even cry. I’m just numb. By Wednesday I’ve grown tired of sitting in bed and venture out to a few underground punk shows hoping that the music and the pit would help me start to feel something again. I end up hooking up with the drummer and one of the bouncers, arriving back home as the sun starts to rise, blitz out of my mind. I sleep most of Thursday only getting up as the night begins to creep in. I shower and dress in last night’s clothes before slipping out the front door. Once again I find myself standing in the middle of the crowd getting knocked around yet feeling nothing. I fuck the lead singer on the stage once everyone has cleared out.

Mikey arrives on Friday. I sit out in the living room with everyone, staring blankly at the movie playing on the screen. I smile and laugh at all the appropriate times, even sticking around to have some of the dinner Jenna made. It gets deposited in the toilet about ten minutes after it’s been ingested, my stomach twisted in too many knots to keep anything solid down. Once I’ve spent an adequate time with everyone I change and climb down the fire escape onto the street below. For a while I just sit on the ground, a cigarette held between my trembling fingers. Everything shakes and I can never get it to stop. I can’t even draw anymore. Josh says that it’s a sign of shock. I think I might just be going crazy. How do you come back from something like this? My mind tells me that I can’t.

I stand in the middle of one of the most hardcore shows and feel nothing but the bass reverberating in my empty chest. I go through the motions, getting pushed around in the pit. Even the occasional elbow to the face or the stepping on of toes does nothing to make me feel. If I just lay down would these people trample me to death? I find myself in the middle of a circle of people, a lone individual standing in front of me.

“Hit me,” I challenge as the circle of people consumes us again.

Suddenly, I’m picked up and slammed against a metal pole, acting as a support beam for the building’s roof. Wet, sloppy kisses are being planted over my face and neck as shaky hands work to undo the button of my pants. I let it all happen, staring over the strangers shoulder, watching as the singer jumps around on stage. Once it’s all over I exit the small space, vomiting off the sidewalk.

My phone rings and I dig around in my pockets to answer it, "Let me just call you back when I'm sober."

“They said you’d be here,” a voice off to my right says.

Wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand, I stand, turning in the direction of the voice. Mikey stands before me, cellphone pressed to his ear, the other hand shoved in his jacket pocket. He rocks back and forth, a frown set on his face. As I stumble forward he reaches out and catches me, his arm wrapping around my waist. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Scarlett. What happened? I mean to get you to this state?” Mikey questions as we begin to head up the street towards my apartment building.

“He raped me,” I answer before hurrying away from Mikey and hurling again. My legs give out and I hit the sidewalk, tears streaming down my face, “and I don’t even remember.”

Gerard’s little brother drops down next to me, pulling me into his lap. He works to wipe the tears from my face, tucking my hair being my ears. For a little we just sit on the curb, Mikey letting me cry on his shoulder as he rubs my back. I feel like shit. Mikes came to have a good weekend and to get away from his problems. He shouldn’t have to sit on a curb in the middle of New York City listening to me tell him that the reason I drink too much and am never home is because I was raped He shouldn't have to hear that I can’t stand to have Josh and Gerard look at me like I’m some kind of china doll that’s fallen off the shelf and now has a big crack through her face. I can’t talk about it without fuzzy memories coming back and my stomach twisting in knots until I vomit. Everything’s all fucked up and it’s my fault. I should have just staid in New Jersey where it was safe and I knew everyone.

“Hey,” Mikey helps me up off the ground and we start walking again. “You’ll get through this. I know it’s hard and it seems impossible now, but you will. You’re the strongest person I know, Scarlett. How about when we get home I run a bath for you and then once you’re all cleaned up we can put a movie in and I’ll sleep in the bedroom with you tonight if that’s okay with you.”

I nod as Mikey pulls open the door to my building, hitting the elevator button. We ride up to my floor in silence. My friend keeps his arms around me. Once inside Mikey deposits me on my bed, disappearing into the bathroom to start my bath. I fall against the pillows, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. How did it come to this? How did everything get so fucked? I pull out my phone and dial Frank. It goes straight to voicemail. I choke back a sob. Why won’t he take my calls? Doesn’t he know I need him?

“Scarlett?” a tuff of blue hair appears around the doorframe seconds before Josh enters my bedroom. He stays about arms length away from the bed, probably not sure if I want him there or not. “Is everything alright?”

“Frank won’t take my phone calls,” I answer, tears streaming down my face. “Why won’t he answer my calls, Josh?”

“Shh, shh,” my friend walks over to the bed, dropping to his knees, his thumb catching a few tears. “He’s just trying to deal with things, Scarlett.”

Suddenly I sit up, throwing my phone across the room, “I’m dealing with things! I was the one who got raped not him! If anyone shouldn’t be taking calls it’s me! Yet here I am, trying to get through the day and function! He isn’t allowed to just drop out of my life!”

I fall forward into Josh’s waiting arms. My fists make contact with his back as I scream into his neck. Josh just lets it all happen, holding me tightly to him. This isn’t fair. I was supposed to come to New York and become someone, not have my entire life fall out from underneath me. As I lift my head up I see Gerard and Jenna standing in the doorway. Gee looks like someone’s killed his puppy. His eyes are glassy and have deep purple bags under them. His cheeks are hallow, making it look like he’s not eaten in weeks. He’s shaking, his thumb set between his teeth. Jenna looks as much like an angel as always. The only difference is that her usual smile has been replaced with a frown. I hate that I’m doing this to everyone. I hate that having me around causes them to lose sleep and to feel sad.

“Do you wanna carry her to the tub?” Mikey questions, Josh who still has his arms wrapped tightly around me.

“Is that okay, Scarlett?” Josh whispers.

Instead of answering I just get up and walk across the room, pushing open the bathroom door. Once I’m inside I strip out of my clothing and climb into the steaming water. I pull my knees up to my chest, arms wrapping around them, my chin coming to rest on my knees. For a long while I just sit in the water, staring at the tap. I want to go back and do that party over again. I want to not drink so much. I want to stay with Gerard instead of wandering off to find Josh and Tyler. I want to go back and not talk to that guy, not let him go and get me a drink. I want to be able to remember.

A knock on the door forces me out of my head, “Scarlett, can I come in?”

It’s Mikey. Although I don’t want to have to see or talk to anyone about what went on I let him come in. The youngest Way is carrying a cup of some kind of steaming liquid and my laptop. He sets both down on the closed toilet lid, his back resting against the wall. “I thought I’d come sit with you. We can find something to watch online if you’d like. I also made some tea. You don’t have to drink it if you don’t want.”

“I appreciate it Mikes,” I answer, leaning forward and grabbing the cup and lifting it to my lips. Mikey added milk and sugar; remembering just how I like my tea. I take a few sips before setting it back down on the floor. Mikey flips open my laptop and enters the password, one I’ve had since middle school.

“What do you feel like watching?”

I pick at some of the skin around my nail. I know what I want to watch but I’m not sure if Mikey will want to watch it. I always chose the same movie. My friends have grown tired of it. “Is Dawn of the Dead okay?”

Mikey laughs, searching through my saved films and pulling it up. “I don’t care what we watch, Scarlett.”

I grin at him, moving to the edge of the tub so that I can rest my head on his shoulder. Although my wet hair soaks through his shirt in seconds, Mikey says nothing. He just lets it happen, braiding and unbraiding the end of my hair while the beginning scene plays across my small laptop screen. About halfway through the movie the water grows cold and I decide I don’t want to sit in it anymore. We pause the movie and Mikey wraps me in one of the large purple towels hanging on the wrack before we move to my bed. The laptop gets propped on the nightstand and I’m brought another cup of tea. For the time being I feel okay.

The sound of my phone ringing pulls me from my sleep. The sun is already streaming in through the window and Mikey is not longer lying next to me. Scrambling across the room, I answer without even looking at who the caller is. “Hello?”

“Hi, is with Scarlett?” a male voice sounds from the other end.

I’m disappointed that it isn’t Frank. I guess I should have known better, it wasn’t his ringtone. “Yes. Who’s this?”

“I got your number at a party. I was told to call if I needed drugs.”

“Who the fuck gave you this number?”

“It was a friend at a party,” the guy on the other line squeaks. “I can try and find someone else.”

Rolling my eyes, I flop across my bed, pulling open the nightstand drawer and being to sift through the various pills and baggies of pot that I still have. “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Xanax if you’ve got any. I need like thirty dollars worth.”

“They’re about two bucks a pill,” I respond, popping the lid off of one of the orange plastic bottles and pulling out about twelve pills, putting them into a button bag.

“Sure thing,” the boy responds.

“Can you meet me on the corner of Church and Fulton?” I ask, pulling on a pair of slippers sticking out of the corner of my closet.

“Yeah, can you give me twenty minutes? It’s kind of a walk.”

“Whatever. Hey, after I sell these to you, lose my number and tell that friend of yours I better never find out they were the one who gave it out.”

With that I hang up and exit my bedroom. Gerard, Josh, Jenna, and Mikey are all sitting in the living room passing around the Cheerios box as they watch old Saturday morning cartoons. I pull one of my shakes out of the fridge and twist the cap off. Jenna smiles over at me, getting up off the couch and walking into the kitchen.

“Did you sleep okay?” she questions.

I nod my response, the bottle containing my breakfast pressed to my lips. I still feel weird, like I’m floating around, getting bumped in the general ‘right’ direction by the people in my life. There is still a screen between me and everyone else. My friends still give me sad, sympathetic looks. I’m sure if the phone hadn’t woken me up I would’ve slept till five and then drank myself into oblivion just so I could avoid the dreams. I want to know why Frank won’t answer my calls or why Josh hasn’t even so much as offered to sleep in my bedroom again. Everyone is treating me like I’m going to crumble any second. I’d hate to break it to them, but I’ve already fallen apart. They can all stop trying to hold me together.

“I have to run a few errands this morning. Mikey, be ready to go when I get back. I want to take you around the city today,” I call over the younger Way.

He gives me a thumbs up. I promised Mikey a good weekend and I don’t want to break that. He needs something to take his mind off of whatever it’s stuck on right now. Based on his sporadic texts he’s not been doing all that great. I can’t help but wonder if he’s still taking his pills.

“What errands?” Jenna enquires, her eyes scanning over my soffe shorts, tattered sweatshirt and slippers. “I could go with you.”

“I just need to run to the corner store. It won’t take long,” I lie, hoping she buys it.

Jenna scrunches her eyebrows together, eyeing me skeptically. She’s become even more mom like after the breakdown I’d had the first night Frank was here. I’d locked myself in the bathroom and taken a handful of sleeping pills. Those on top of the pizza and booze I’d consumed that night just led me to spend about an hour hovering over the toilet, puking my guts out. Frank had broken into the bathroom and sat with me on the floor while I cried into his neck. He even let me kiss him a few times though I’m sure I tasted like vomit. After everyone had calmed me down I was tucked into bed next to Frank who insisted on being with me every second of every day until he had to leave. It seems as if Jenna is trying to take over his role as my protector. I don’t want Jenna though. I just want Frank.

“Do you have your phone?”

I pull it out of my pocket to show her. Unfortunately, the little bag of pills also slides out, hitting the floor. Jenna and I both go for them. Unfortunately, she’s faster than I am, the little bag held between her thumb and index finger. My friend’s face twists from concern to anger in a matter of seconds. “Jenna, just give them back.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Scarlett. Are you taking these or are you just selling them so you can buy more alcohol? This isn’t who you are Scarlett. What happened to my best friend? Since when did you start selling?”

“I don’t know who I am, Jenna! Can’t you see that’s the problem? I just don’t know anything anymore,” I cry out, tears spilling down my face. “I can’t be the person you all want me to be anymore! She died when that guy raped me!”

Snatching the pills out of Jenna’s hand I rush towards the door and yank it open. I can hear my friends calling after me, to stay, to talk it out but I don’t stop. I rush down the stairs, my body colliding with the complex door. I run through the crowds of people, past the corner store, and even past the diner. My lungs scream at the lack of oxygen and my legs burn but I don’t stop. I need to get away and this is my only way out.

Notes