What's My Age Again

As soon as they arrive home, Ryan appears from the kitchen. He smiles at his friends as they file in one by one, but when he sees the disheveled state they're in, he frowns.

"Hey! Jesus, Gerard, what happened?"

Gerard just cries harder as he hides in Mikey’s arms, who leads his brother to his bedroom, intending to calm him down. Meanwhile, Brendon addresses his boyfriend gravely.

"Ryan, I need you to go home." He says seriously.

"Brendon, what happened? Is he going to be okay?"

"Ryan, just please go home."

"I just want to know, he's my friend too... kind of. Is it the couch thing? Because I'm sorry about that - we won't do it again -"

"JUST GO HOME!" Brendon snapped, yelling angrily at the younger boy. Ryan took a step backwards, surprised, and lowered his head. He grabbed his jacket from the hanger and left the apartment without another word, feeling humiliated. Brendon didn't have to scream at him! -
He wasn't a small child! - He was just concerned about Gerard! The man still didn't remember his name but that didn't make him a bad person, and Ryan still considered him a friend. All the secrecy surrounding Brendon and Gerard... wasn't it obvious that Ryan would want to know what it was all about? It was worrying: the idea of Brendon staying in an apartment with someone keeping so many secrets.

***

It took half an hour to calm Gerard down, and he is still sobbing and clinging to Mikey when he starts to mumble something. With his face pressed in Mikey chest and his voice thick with tears, it was hard to hear him at first.

"What did you say?" Mikey asks softly so as not to set Gee off crying again.

"It wasn't Frank."

"What?" Mikey says after a pause, thinking at first that he heard his brother wrong.

"It wasn't him… he was helping me. I just... I just reacted bad! I feel awful."

"Shit." Mikey mumbles, thinking about how badly he treated Frank earlier. "If it wasn't him, what the hell happened?"

"It was... him." Gerard whispers.

"Him?" Mikey frowns, confused. "But you said that -"

"Not Frank… him!" Gerard says insistently, just as Brendon reenters the room.

"Oh god no…" Brendon hurries towards Gee and puts both of his hands on Gerard's shoulders, giving him his support. "That son of a bitch! I will kill him! What the hell did he do!?"

"He touched me… put his hand on my hip and - and I just stayed there! … I couldn't do anything! The fucker insulted me and I was just there feeling like shit. Like he always used to make me feel and - and Frank stood up for me! He was trying to help me but I reacted the wrong way. It wasn't meant for him, I should have yelled at him! At Felix! Not at Frank!"

Gerard starts sobbing again, tears breaking up his words as he hiccups and chokes, trying to drink the tea that Brendon made for him. "I need to - to apologise to him! He didn't deserve anything I did to him. I almost lost him his job, Mikey! His job!"

"I need to apologise too Gee, but first I need you to calm down. I know exactly what that bastard did to you and it was my fault too, and for that I'm so, so sorry."

"No Mikey, it wasn't your fault. You were just a kid, it wasn't your fault."

"I pressured you to stay with that relationship Gerard! I will never forgive myself; you wanted to break up with him and I didn't let you. I told you not to, and I'll forever be sorry for that."

"Mikey, please, you saved me, okay baby brother? You saved me and helped me. I was the stupid one, I was the idiot that let that bastard beat the shit out of me. Not you."

"I don't mean to interrupt this precious family moment, but I'm going to call your therapist Gee. You need an emergency session right now." Brendon holds up the phone in his hand and is about to dial Gee's therapist's number when Gerard stands up suddenly and snatches the device from his hand.

"Gee, what are you doing?" Mikey starts to stroke Gerard's hair softly, soothingly as he debates whether or not to call their parents.

"I can't go there... please, I can't."

"What are you saying? You go to therapy every Tuesday! We just need to call her and you-"

Mikey stops talking when he sees the guilty expression on Gerard's face. He is looking at the ground, his ears almost matching the colour of his hair. "Gerard, please tell me… fuck. Okay, when did you stop going?"

Gerard's face is a mixture of sadness and guilt as he replies, "Almost a year…"

"But - but what about the receipts for medicine, Gerard?! You came home with pills and receipts for them! Where did they come from?" Brendon argues, desperate to believe his friend is just joking and that he didn't really stop going to therapy when he was depressed and suicidal.
Gerard looks up at his best friend with bleary, tearful eyes and trembling lips.

"I know someone who... who sells pills. Xanax and, and they can fake the receipts too. They're really good; no one could tell they were fakes. Not you, not Mikey... no one."

"Shit, Gee! That's so dangerous; how do you know you were taking what you thought you were taking?!" Mikey exclaims, angry but trying to act calm so as not to upset his fragile brother.

Gerard opens his mouth to reply but Mikey gets there before he can. "No! You've been off for months now; forgetful and crazy and just... off! You could have been taking anything and not even realise!"

"Mikey!" Gerard yells angrily, trying his best to defend himself. "I swear it is xanax I've been taking. Really."

"So why have you been off?" Brendon demands.
Both Mikey and Brendon can tell there's something Gerard is holding back, something he doesn't want them to know, and usually they would respect his privacy and leave him alone.

But not now. This is too important to leave alone; they need to know what Gerard has been doing behind their backs.

"Gerard!" Mikey yells, causing Gerard to flinch.

"I take too many, okay?!" He screams finally, bursting into tears again. "I just... I just want to forget, okay! I want to forget what he did, so I take too many pills. More than I should... with alcohol. I drink when I take pills and I take pills far too often than I'm supposed to... but just because I want to forget! You can't blame me, Mikey. You can't blame me for wanting to forget."

Mikey nods slowly, but when he turns to Brendon he scowls, and Brendon knows he's going to get a shitstorm of verbal abuse later. He lives with Gerard; he should have noticed something was wrong with his best friend, but not noticing something was wrong with his roommate was unforgivable.

***

The next day, Brendon received an angry text from Ryan demanding to know what the hell happened in the ice cream parlour.

Ryan❤️: Wtf happened yestersay?! Frank got fired yesterday cos of whatever happened!! I don't know much but I know Frank is pretty fucking in love with Gerard and I know he'd never hurt him so what.the fuck.happened??

When Brendon tells Gerard what happened with Frank he just feels more guilty. After three hours straight of begging and pleading, he manages to get Frank's number through Mikey and sends him a text inviting him to a coffee shop near the apartment.

Taking deep breaths, he threw on a jacket and left the apartment before Mikey or Brendon could pressure him into letting them go with him.

***

Frank is surprised when he opens the text he received from an unknown number. Gerard fucking Way is contacting him, and if he wasn't so upset over everything that had happened in the past two days he would most definitely be jumping all over the place in joy, looking forward to his –not really- date with his crush.

When Frank enters the place, he instantly sees that unforgettable red hair and he smiles, but that only lasts a couple of seconds when he sees Gerard's face. He looks so sad, his face only showing pain and misery, and he is folding and unfolding a napkin in a poor imitation of an origami boat. He has black nail polish on but almost all of it was fading and chipped since he is eating his nails. That only serves to make Frank anxious; there's no sign of the clueless, shy and adorable customer Frank used to serve. He approaches slowly and took a seat in from of him.

"Frank," he says, and his voice is cracked and a pitch higher than normal. He sounds so miserable, so in pain, but he remembered Frank's name. He knows who Frank is, and Frank swears that Gerard's eyes lit up when Frank first walked into the cafe.

"Hey," It's the only coherent thing Frank can think to say. He wants to throw his arms around the red haired boy and never let go; he just looks so fragile.

After they both order their coffees - a latte with soy milk for Frank and a double espresso for Gerard - Frank could only feel more adoration for the other manas Gerard reaches out and puts his hand over Frank's, squeezing it a little bit too hard.

"Frankie, I am so, so sorry for everything that happened yesterday. You helped me and I started screaming and I shouldn't have done. None of the things I said or did were about you, I swear. I… I was trying to shout at him! - I can't believe after all this time he can still make me a fucking mess."

Gerard looks like he is about to cry and Frank feels awful bringing up what are obviously bad memories, but he just can't help it. He has to know.

"Gee… who the hell was he?"

"He's - was - my boyfriend. I dated him for three years and he made me the fucking mess that I am today." Gerard's hand leaves Frank's in favour of covering his mouth as he sobs, and Frank just wants to kick the shit out of that motherfucker that hurt him.

"What did he do to you?" Frank asks calmly, knowing that he shouldn't ask. After all, he barely knows the guy, but for some reason he needs to know. He wants to protect Gerard from all the bad things in the world, starting with his psychotic ex boyfriend.
Gee starts sipping his coffee in an attempt to calm down, looking directly at the table as oppose to Frank, and starts talking.

"I started dating him in high school. I was fifteen and he was twenty; I know what you may think of me, but I really loved him. I met him in a record store, his father was the owner of the place and he used to spend a lot of time there, and I just instantly got a crush on him. He was always such a gentleman! He took me on fancy dates, he bought me a load of presents, for me and for Mikey. My mom always told me to be careful - she didn't like him at all, you see - but somehow he managed to win my father's trust. I was in fucking heaven: I got the handsome, caring, loving boyfriend for a year, a whole year! - And then it all went wrong. One summer he invited me to go on a holiday in Europe with him. My mother didn't want me to go, but I made the biggest fuss that an spoiled brat like me could make and eventually she let me go. That's when my heaven turned into hell."

"The first time he hit me was his fault. He even said so; he apologised for days afterwards and I cried even more. The second time was my fault, apparently, and the next, and the next. He somehow managed to blame me for every single bruise on my body: for every black eye I had those months, I was the stupid one who deserved every insult, every slap in the face. It was my fault whenever he dragged me by my hair, whenever he pushed me, the guilty one was me. I deserved everything he did to me because I was the idiot that couldn't talk properly or act right. But... but what I was supposed to do?!He had my passport! He had the money to take me back home, or he could choose to let me get lost in a foreign continent. I was terrified! I had to stop crying, contain all my sadness and call my mom about how 'excited' I was for our next museum visit or whatever the fuck he wanted to do."

Frank's coffee is long forgotten on the table, untouched and cold. He could barely understand everything Gerard was telling him... the son of a bitch hit him? Someone dared to touch such a beautiful, innocent and fucking adorable person like Gerard?! What kind of monster was this man? Frank wants to kill the asshole - he wants to burn him alive and watch him suffer to the very last moment of his pathetic life. And yes, Frank has an active imagination, but so what? It's moments like this that that imagination comes in handy.

"When I got back home I had to wear makeup to hide every mark he left on my body and I had to hide all my fear and replace it with an undying love for him. That night I talked to Mikey; I told him that I wanted to break up with Felix - that was his name, Felix - but Mikey... he made me feel guilty about it."

Frank's face contorts into one of anger, and before he gets any ideas about making Mikey pay for his mistakes, Gerard hurries on.

"No, no, you don't understand. It was just... how was I supposed to break up with the most 'amazing' person ever? I was a loser back then and I would never have had another chance to be with someone like him. Felix was so cool; he was so kind and caring and he brought Mikey gifts and taught him how to win at Halo... it wasn't his fault. Mikey was only theirteen at the time - he didn't know any better and he certainly didn't knew the truth. He didn't understand why I would want to break up with him."

"I sucked in all my pride, all my suffering, all my sadness and I kept going. The next two years were a rollercoaster of emotions: some days I was the love of his life, the next I was a worthless whore. He made me feel so good and so miserable at the same time and then... then one day, everything went to shit."

"Call me a Catholic teenage girl or whatever you want, but I always felt proud of my virginity. Shit, I can't believe I'm telling you this..." Gerard laughed humerlously and rubbed his red face with his hand. "But you need to know. You do. Ever since I told my parents about my sexuality, my mom was always making sure that I didn't make any 'mistakes', that my first time had to be with someone that I loved and that I needed to wait until I was prudent age. When I met Felix, I wanted to give him everything, all of me, but somehow I managed to wait... and make him wait. He tried; he tried several times, but I resisted; my morals came first, y'know? Then one day he just... didn't want to listen to me anymore."

Tears run down Gerard's cheeks and Frank is in two minds whether to tell him to stop talking and stop reliving the horror he obviously went through or to stay silent, keep listening and find out what the asshole did to Gerard.

"He didn't stop when I told him to. He - he took my clothes off without my consent, and he was about to take more than that... and then I just snapped. Flr the first time in three years, I screamed. I screamed so loud than none of his punches or his threats could scare me. I knew that my parents weren't at home that night, but I kept screaming as if my life depended on it, because it did. It really fucking did. Then the next thing I knew the door was being thrown open and Mikey was there with a baseball bat, just looking at me. I can remember that so clearly - the way he just looked at me."

Gerard shakes his head, as though he's trying to rid himself of the thought.

"Anyway. Felix was on the floor and Mikey has a pretty damn good swing. He left and never came back; I saw him around a few times but we never spoke. Not until... now."
Frank just sits there feeling so sad and so angry all at once. He wants to slap Mikey for being such a stupid child and then congratulate him for being a hero. He definitely wants to kill the motherfucker that did so much damage to the lovely person in front of him, but what he wants most is to hug Gerard. He wants to hug him and show him all the love and support he could give to him, everything he deserves and everything he didn't get from Felix.

The waitress interrupts their precious moment by taking their coffees away, startling them.
Gerard reaches into his bag that he had hidden under the table and comes out with a bottle of water and a packet of tablets. Gerard pours water into his glass and pops four pills, swallowing two at a time without a second thought. Frank frowns, that didn't look healthy at all, and just looks at him with a worried expression, waiting for an answer to explain his behaviour.

"I know, I know." The man sighs when he sees Frank staring. "You probably think I'm a junkie or something like that, right? They're prescription, I swear. I'm not dependent of any drugs; I was medicated when I started therapy, and Mikey already give me a whole lecture about my behavior in the last months. I'm gonna stop, honestly."

"Stop what?" Frank asks quietly, the first words he's spoken since Gerard shared his story with him.

Gee sighs. "I've been... taking more than I should. The pills, I mean. I stopped my therapy
sessions and I bought the pills illegally and sometimes I mixed them with alcohol, okay?! But I just want to forget Frank! I just want to forget all the shit I've been through and everything he put me through. I want to be happy without having a flashback and being brought down again. Brendon lives with me and he takes care of every stupid thing I do - which is a lot, by the way Mikey's a pain in the ass all the time, but I love him and I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him. I love them both with all my heart but that doesn't stop me feeling miserable all the time if I don't take the goddamn pills."

There is a silence before Frank says, "You sound pretty dependant on drugs to me."

"Shut the fuck up," Gerard replies, but he's smiling so Frank knows he's not really insulted. "I'm just scared, you know? I haven't been in a relationship since... him. I want to be - I really want to be - but I'm just scared!"

Gerard keeps drinking the water.

"But don't worry for me Frankie, I'm going to be okay. I need to be okay... because there's this one guy that I want to impress."

Gerard looks up at Frank then, his eyes twinkling with happiness and amusement, and in that second he's more like himself. Gone are the sad eyes and the despondent smile, replaced with the bright, happy-go-lucky guy Frank loves.

As for Frank, he is pretty sure his heart has stopped. He's stopped breathing and he feels like he's going to cry any second now. Gerard wants to impress a guy? He's... interested in someone? Yeah, Frank was definitely going to cry

"Oh yeah?" Frank chokes out, despite being tempted to get up and run for the door. Gerard deserves better than that though; if all he wants from Frank is friendship then Frank would be honoured to provide that. "And who is this lucky guy?"

The older man smiles and looks at the table. He looks so happy...

"He's handsome, y'know? Really cute, but really handsome as well." Gerard begins, crushing Frank's heart further as he realises he's going to have to sit and listen to who he hoped would be his future husband describing the other guy he has a crush on. "I've tried to ignored him all this time, but he kept flirting with me and... I don't know. I guess with his smile and his puppy dog eyes he just won my interest. It felt nice to be respected for once, you know? Like, you should see the way he looks at me Frank! He looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the world. It's intoxicating: being valued. It's a beautiful feeling. He's kinda the reason I want to be
healed."

When Gerard is done with his monologue, Frank wants to scream; wants to scream that he values Gerard, and that to Frank, Gerard is the most precious thing in the world. He wants to yell that if Gerard chose him over this other guy, Frank would treat him like a king. He would never hurt him, ever, and he would never do anything Gerard didn't want him to. He doesn't, of course. He just sits there and pretends to be happy for Gerard when all he is feeling is heartbroken and jealousy for Gerard's other guy.

"That's - that's really great, Gee." Frank croaks miserably. "I'm so happy for you."

Frank has to look down at the table so Gerard can't see how his eyes are prickling with tears and the corners of his mouth have been pulled down. Gerard reaches out and puts his hand over Frank's again though; it's like he's trying to make this hard for the younger man!

"Frank?" Gerard says gently. "You do realise I was talking about you, right?"

Gerard is smiling when Frank looks up, and boy does he feel stupid, but his joy far outweighs his embarrassment because Gerard fucking Way was talking about him!

"Gee -" Frank starts, but is cut off when the other man clears his throat loudly.

"So I have two tickets to this... show thing. Like a concert. It's small; not a big deal, y'know? I was going to give the other one to Brendon, but then he fucked his boyfriend on my couch so... do you want to come with me?"

Frank just gapes at Gerard for a long time, slitly disgusted by the thought of Brendon fucking his boyfriend on Gerard's couch, but mostly in awe of the fact that Gerard just asked him on a date! Gerard! Just asked Frank! On a date! Could this day get any better?

"That would be great Gee!" Frank exclaims, way too eagerly but he's too ecstatic to give a shit right now. "That would be awesome!"

"Awesome." Gerard replied simply, grinning himself. "I'll text you the details. Oh, and Frank?" He turns around right before he's about to leave. "I, um... I spoke to your boss earlier. I told him what happened and, well. If you want, your job is waiting for you tomorrow afternoon."

With that thought he's gone, and yeah. Frank's day just got better.

Notes

Please don't have sex in a public hostel when there are lots of people around.
Enjoy! <3