Jilted generation

The next day I wondered into therapy. My mum knew that I liked to be alone so made the point of going food shopping while I was seeing my therapist. I walked into the room in the small building, pushing the light blue door to the side and walking into the small room. I smiled. It wasn’t the soft cream carpet that I felt under foot or the light that crept in through the windows that made me smile. It wasn’t even the pristine mirrors that hung on the walls. It was the person who smiled back at me from her chair. She grinned, the smile spreading from ear to ear. Well, not quite from ear to ear because that would be a bit weird.

“Hi Mikey!” she said.
It was Abby.
“Hi.” I replied, feeling quite comfortable. I sat down on the chair opposite, the table the only thing between us.
“You seem like a happy chap today, Mikey!” She replied with.
“Yeah. ‘Cause you’re back!” I said, moving my hair from my eyes and pushing my glasses back up onto my face.
“I know. I haven’t seen you in ages. Who have you been seeing instead?” She asked. I watched her reaction as the smile was suddenly wiped from my face. I turned my gaze to the floor watching the shadows that my feet created.

“Um… John.” I whispered.
“Was he okay?”
“He wasn’t as good at helping me as you are.” I looked up and into her deep blue eyes, “But like. He didn’t really help. Because like…. How do I explain it?” I whispered, thinking that he’d be able to hear me if I spoke too loud. “He just kinda said the same stuff over and over again. He was just like ‘you’re not fat, you’re not fat. You need to eat more because you are too skinny!’ He doesn’t understand me like you do. But your back now and that’s okay.”
“Yes. And I’m happy to see you too. And you know that if you need any help that I will always be here?”
“Here?” I asked pointing to her chair.
“Well….I think you get what I mean, Mikey. Only a phone call away.”
“Okay, thanks.” I replied with. She handed me the clump of blu-tack that was stuck to the side of the table, knowing that when asked questions I felt really uncomfortable. I picked away at it as she talked.

“So… How you feeling today?”
“Meh.” I shrugged, swinging my feet. I wasn’t really sure how to reply when she asked that.
“On a scale of 1 to 10?”
“Um….” I thought, “On a scale of 1 to Gerard, my day has been about a 7 for fabulous-s-ness.”
“Great!” She replied with enthusiastically. “And is the writing helping?”
“Writing?”
“Yeah. You know. Writing down how you feel and what happened in that old book you found, what did you call it?”
“Oh, yeah. I’ve forgotten the name but it is helping, thanks.” I replied with. It was true. This book that I’m writing in right now was helping. It was helping lots. Apart from Quinn and Abby, I didn’t really have very many other people to talk to who I felt like they understand me fully. It had gotten really bad. I remember because Abby said that she would be away for a while, but after a few sessions without her I thought that she was never coming back; and that I’d be stuck with John forever. I had started to write when I felt lonely and didn’t want to bother people with my problems. I didn’t really have anyone to turn to so I thought that a blank page would do. The page wouldn’t be bothered if I constantly rattled on about my feelings. It was just a page after all.

“Good Good! And how is school going?”
“School is okay…. I suppose. I have Quinn who I can talk to. She is like you but about 10 years younger, with black hair and isn’t qualified…like you.” Abby smiled back at me.
“Its always good to have someone around to talk to.”

I nodded. Yeah, Quinn was there for me at school. Gerard tried to help at home, but I could tell Abby most things. But she didn’t know about… you know? The scars and stuff and that I had come so close to starting again only a few days before.
She asked me all the usual questions and I answered as honestly as I could. Nodding my head every now and then. We had a chat about school and favourite lessons like we normally did.

“We’re going to try something new today, Mikey.”
“Oh, okay” I murmured unsure about this.
“Is that okay? How does that make you feel?”
“A little nervous. But we’ll give it a try then.”
“Good” she stood up and walked over towards me. She helped me to stand up and led me over to the other side of the room. It was only when we were stood side by side in front of the mirrors when I realised what this was. I desperately wanted to go and sit back down but my legs wouldn’t move. I was rooted to the spot.

“What’s that in front of us, Mikey?”
“That’s us. In the mirror, Abby.”
“Good and could you describe what you see to me?”
I gulped, “Well…. I can see you. And you’re stood next to me. And you are taller than me. Only a bit. And you just smiled at that comment that I just made. And now you are smiling even more. And I am smiling too. That’s a bit weird.”
“Well done Mikey. And what do we look like?”
“Well. You have long blonde curly hair and you have very very very blue eyes. And you are smiling again because you are embarresed of my description of you. And you are wearing jeans and a green top and you have a tag pinned to your belt. And you have earrings too and you’re stood next to me. And I am smaller. I-I a-am…..” I trailed off.

“What do you look like, Mikey? What do you see?”
“I see me….” I whispered under my breath. “And I am shorter than you. But I am big in the other sense. I am too big. I am not what I’m supposed to be.” I held my arms out to the side. “I am wearing really really tight clothes.” A look of confusion appeared on Abby’s face as she looked at what she saw. Apparently a bag of skin and bones in baggy clothes. But that wasn’t what I saw. I was filling up the whole mirror.

“No. No. Mikey.” She said, leading me by my shoulders and sitting me down on the chair. She was embarrassed, she thought that that would’ve helped me… but it didn’t.
“I-I-I’m fat, Abby. That’s what I am. I’m fa…..”
She cut me off.
“Have you heard the new Green Day album and all the new songs?”
She must’ve seen my eyes light up as she began to smile again. To be honest I forgot about the whole mirror thing during our conversation about music. She always knew when the subject needed changing. We’d talk about that another time. But right now all I needed to do was smile. And I did. I was still smiling when my mum came to pick me up. She appeared at the door, reassured by my joy.

“See you later Abby!” I called as I was walking out the door.
“Yeah! See you soon, Mikey. Take care of yourself. Try not to get too sick if you can help it.”
“Yeah. I’ll try”
“And I’m always here,” she smiled, pointing to her seat. “I don’t ever leave this chair. If you need me then just call. And, um, Mrs. Way. I’ll send you Mikes’ report!”
And with a last goodbye we left, a smile stuck on my face.

Notes