The dead girl that looked like Quinn sat next to me. If I died would she disappear off this earth with me? Or would she have to stay on this god-forsaken earth for the rest of her ‘life’? I looked at her as I blocked out the screaming and threats that were erupting from the other side of the door.

I nodded in her direction but she only tilted her head to the left. The blanks of her eyes now seemed to comfort me, though that might sound strange. At least I wasn’t alone. At least I had the dead girl to keep me company. A friend. I had always needed and asked for friends. All of my life. But she had come to me too late. She had joined me at the beginning of the end.

Her pale face turned even whiter as she took the pen from me and began to ‘write’ on the walls.

WHAT IF THEY GET YOU?

“I don’t know. What should I do?”

WRITE...

I headed for the draws to find something to write on, (this book being on the last page) urgently ripping them open and searching through the shelves to find some paper to write on. One draw was full of comics. The other school books. The third….

So that was where he had hidden it. I looked to the draw were the metallic shining blade looked back up at me. Light hit the other objects in the draw bouncing off the sharp surfaces back up into my eyes as the light poured in through the window. I didn’t need them hiding from me. I would be just fine by myself. Unless Gerard had been… No. He’d hidden them from me because he thought that I couldn’t handle my own emotions. Thought that I couldn’t stop myself.
Eventually I found something to write on and picked up the pen.
“You still there Mikey? We don’t want you getting away now, you anorexic f**got?!!!!”
Of course I was still there. There was no escape. No way out. Why should I let them take me?
I began to write.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Okay, okay. I’m pretty scared now. They’re coming for me. They’re coming for me and I don’t know what to do. The door doesn’t sound like it will hold much longer, but I don’t want them to kill me. I don’t want them to be the ones that end it all for me. I don’t want them to be the last thing I see before I die. Their smiling faces watching as I’m slowly beaten to death. I don’t want any of this. I can’t do this much more.

Quinn, if you are still out there and if you still care about me, then where are you? I need you. I need you to save me! I’ve only known you for a year but you have honestly made my life so much better. You have made me happy. Made me cry with laughter. And you have saved me. All, I’m asking is for you to save me now! Just once more. But you are gone. Nowhere to be seen. Away from me. Away from me and all my problems. And that is the best for you. No worries about me. You don’t have to deal with my problems, anymore. I wish you all the best.

And Abby, Thank you. I don’t know how to say this so I’m going to have to write it down. Please know that none of what’s about to happen is your fault. I love you! I love you like a sister! You have always been there for me. Always cared. Always. Even when others haven’t. You have helped me hundreds of times and I haven’t even helped you or given you anything back. But now I will. Now I will say thank you. Thank you for all you’ve done. You’ve given me confidence and made me smile. And for that I relieve you of your duties.

Dad. Today I planned on talking to you. Apologise for the way I’ve acted. At the moment though I might not be able to do that. So I’ll say now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such an idiot and for not letting you help me. I wish I had. And I know that I don’t see you often, but that isn’t your fault. You are only trying your best to support this family. And please continue to do the same.

Listen, Gerard. You are my brother. And brothers understand each other in a way that no-one else can. Please look after mum. I don’t ever want to see her struggle again. You are the only person that knew. And I only told you because I trust you. I’d trust you with my life. And that’s what brothers are for. Please don’t miss me. I wouldn’t miss myself. I probably wouldn’t even notice that someone like me wasn’t even around anymore. But please, get on with your life. Do what you enjoy and have fun. I’ll always be here. I’ll always be your brother. And I won’t ever forget you. Because you are the best older brother that I could have ever have dreamed of having. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t.

And last but not least. You. Mum. I don’t know what to say. I’ve been an embarrassment of a son. But you never seem to care. You’d look after me. Whatever. I’m so sorry that it had to end like this. That I didn’t get chance to say a proper goodbye. So this is my attempt of one. The lock on the door is almost broken now. The bed and my defences are moving mm by mm towards me. But don’t worry I am not alone. I have my friend with me. She will comfort me. But I wish that you were here. I wish that I could look at your face once last time and thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. Even though many others would’ve done a minute after talking to me. I’ll miss you. I’m not sure of much. But I am definitely sure of that.


I love you all so much, even though I hate myself. But I must go now. I’m not going to let them end me. They shouldn’t control me. They shouldn’t decide whether I should die or if I should live or if I should lay paralysed and half beaten. That is my choice to make. And I’ve made it. And I’m sorry. I didn’t want this. But it seems to be my only choice. But I must go now. They are close. But you are closer. I will hold onto you, as I drift away. Far away from ever hurting you again.
The lights are out and the party’s over.
Mikey. Xx

Notes