Bound By A Chair

Do you ever just look up at the sky? I do. In fact, I have to. No matter what I'm doing or how busy I am, I always make sure I have looked up at the sky. It's incredible to think about how big the sky really is. How can we even call it the sky? All it really is is a wide space of air we cannot touch. Sure the birds fly through the sky, like planes do. But you can never really touch the sky, the big blue sky. But it isn't always blue. Sometimes it's grey or white. When the sun sets sometimes it turns into a pinky orange, or even a blood red. At night it can be dark blue or different shades of purple and black. At night I think the sky is the best. Sometimes if all the streetlights have switched off I can actually see the stars. And there are billions of them! Each tiny star that I look up at twinkling back at me. All those galaxies out there that we haven't even discovered, even different planets! Planets that don't know about us! Each human being is so small and insignificant to the Universe, it's a harsh reality but it's true. The only way you can mean something is to have an impact, that's what I've always thought anyway. The world is full of-

"Gerard!" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Greenford.
Greenford was often referred by me as the spawn of Satan, but honestly she isn't all that bad. Greenford was the owner of Fairfield, not the whole of the business, just this one out of the God knows how many facilities they had. How many people they cared for in the facility? I don't know, I'm just another number in their files.

"What are you doing out here?" I looked at her as if to ask if she was stupid. We had a special bond, I had more privileges in this place than most people. I was lucky really and probably took it for granted.

"Yes I know you won't answer me, that doesn't mean I can't ask" She sighed in defeat. The bitch, always thinking she could get answers out of me.

"You better come inside, we have a busy day and I don't want any drama with the other lot asking why you get outside time and they don't" They treated us all like children in this place. We weren't. This was the Young Adults house not the one for children. Everyone in this place has issues though, no one’s normal, hec, who really is normal?

I wheeled myself inside as Greenford held the door open for me, how polite. I wheeled through the cafeteria and through to the TV room. Some kind of brain dead soap opera was on that I wasn't interested in watching. I pulled out my sketchpad from under my chair and started sketching mindlessly.

I wonder what could be happening today? What was happening that made Greenford so stressed out? I bet it's another new person being slung into this place. No one that could be of interest to me. People come and go. That's how it is in this place anyway. Apart from me, I've been here for a long time. I arrived at Fairfield when I was 12 and have been moving up in different houses ever since according to my age. It was unfair. Some people just stayed here their whole life, just like I was going to, because I couldn't sort out my own issues and get a job. But how do you get a job when you have no references? And if you got that job, how would you get there with no money? Life is a never ending cycle of money. I had none. My parents however, had loads! Do you think I got any of it though? The answer is no. If you asked them they'd probably deny I was their son. I've never known why I was such a disappointment to them, I just am. I could have plenty of guesses as to why they hate me, but what's the point of dwelling over something you don't know for sure? They only way I could get out of here was with enough money. The only reason you are sent here is if you you're:
A) Unwanted
B) Mentally Unstable
C) A hazard to yourself or others
So you can probably imagine the amount of looneys we get in this place.

There was a commotion in the hall of noise. I could hear Greenford clearly talking to someone in a manner of what only I could describe as the "new face" voice. Like when you meet someone new and are trying to make an impression on them. Once again I was right. There's a new person joining looneyville.
“Everyone, I want you to meet Frank, he will be joining us here as a new resident as Fairfield, please be nice to him” Greenford announced to all of us, I rolled my eyes and returned to my sketching. I noticed the new presence in the room but wasn’t fazed by it, “Frank” sat in a chair opposite me, I could feel him eyes looking around at everyone, checking them out. Not in a flirtatious way but in a way to make opinions on people, who could be a threat to him, I should obviously be dismissed straight away, a mute that can’t walk, I’m hardly a threat to anyone. I heard Bob start talking to Frank, oh Bob, so clueless. It’s quite sad really. The way people are in here. We’re all at such a disadvantage to everyone else. Bob was one of the residents I was quite fond of, he always had something to talk to you about. Bob was a recovering drug addict. We had a few of those here, just like Bert. Bert was worse though. He was the scariest of the lot. He was fond of me though, I’ve never found out why.

“Social Circle Time!!” Greenford bounced back into the room, she really knew how to bother me. Her happy voice. She wasn’t suffering, I bet she had a great life, probably had a nice house, good family, she had a well paid job. She had nothing to worry about. The happiness in her voice made me nauseous. Greenford made us get into a circle and share our feelings every few days, she liked to call it “Social Circle Time”, and I liked to refer to it as Satan’s Circle.

“Bob do you want to start?” Greenford questioned. Bob always wanted to go first so it was hardly a surprise.
“Today I saw a really big butterfly and I wish I had wings so I could...” I zoned out, it was nothing new. The same people, the same world, the same life. Sometimes I imagine what my life would have been like if I was different. Would my parents have loved me? Maybe I’m better off this way, they might be horrible parents. I wonder what my brother is like, Mikey. I hardly remember him. I was 12 when I had my accident and suffered 5 years of memory loss so I don’t have many memories. My ears tuned in to the conversation when I heard the new boy speaking.
“I wish I wasn’t here.”
“And why is that Frank?”
“Because I’m better off dead.”
“We will speak after this session Frank” Greenford sounded taken back at Frank’s monotone voice. I already felt bad for him. Greenford was going to lecture him about being positive and happy.
“Gerard do you have anything to say?” I rolled my eyes, this is pathetic. I never have anything to say so why can’t she just fuck off? Well, maybe I did have something to say. But I don’t speak and she knows that.
“I meant by writing it down on your pad.” Hahahaha, maybe I should just tell her to fuck off. I’m so sick of this place I don’t think I care if I get in trouble anymore. I reached under my chair for my pad and started writing down in jagged letters, ‘FUCK OFF’. I held it up to her and her eyes bugged in surprise. I heard snickers of laughter around the circle, including Frank. His laugh was really cute and giggly. It made me smile thinking I’ve achieved to make him happy, even if it’s just for a couple of second before he dives back down under his depression.
“Gerard, I will be seeing you in my office as well, straight after this session has ended!” I knew she wasn’t really angry. Just surprised I’d contributed to the circle. Usually I just shrug and she moves on, not this time.

After the circle had finished I wheeled myself to Greenford’s office. I knocked just to be a bit polite. I wasn’t that rude. She opened the door and I saw Frank sitting in her office.
“So you turned up” I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at her before wheeling myself in next to Frank.

“I have talked with Frank already, and he knows we don’t have any rooms at the moment for him and that he will have to share a room,” Oh fuck no, I can already see where this is going, “Due to your behaviour earlier in the circle, I have concluded that you will be deducted of your privilege of having your own room and Frank will be sharing with you.” This bitch was evil, I told you. She waited to see our response and I just glared at her. “Well then, enjoy each others company” She gave me one of her cheesy, pathetic smiles and I wheeled myself away from her and into the cafeteria to everyone else eating. I picked up a bowl of soup with my meds and sat on a table by myself until Bob ran over to me.
“Did you get in trouble Gerard?” I got my pad out and scribbled out ‘I have to share my room with Frank’ Bob laughed. “Bad luck Gerard” yeah I know, bad luck isn’t it.

Going to bed was a struggle. I always was with me. I took forever having to dress and undress myself. I’m used to all the hassle now. Frank is sharing my bathroom too. So it’s going to take twice as long.
Once in bed I heard Frank shuffling and he switched a lamp on.
“So do you not talk at all?” I would never get tired of hearing his voice, it was quite angelic. I shuffled around so I was a position to be talked to, I shook my head in response.
“Why?” He had too many questions. I got my pad and wrote down ‘I’m mute’. He processed it before saying.
“I used to be mute.” Interesting. So he broke his silence. ‘Why did you break your silence?’
“I-I ummm,” Oh shit it was a touchy subject. ‘You don’t have to tell me’
“Thanks” Frank looked so broken, it was easy for me to see, but I see things that other people don’t. “Goodnight Gerard” I smiled in response before shuffling around into a comfy position before Frank tuned the light off.

I looked out of the window by me, up at the sky. I could count only 16 visible stars and picked the brightest one out, claiming it was my favourite. I remember being told that if you find the brightest star and make a wish, it will come true, but I knew that was bullshit. But what if our wishes did come true? It takes light approximately 8 minutes and 20 second to reach Earth from the Sun, so what if we made a wish, but the star we wished on was in another galaxy and took millions of light-years to reach it. What if then the wish came true but we would never be around to see it? It’s sad to think that we would never know if our wish came true or not. My wish isn’t a typical wish like finding happiness or being rich, no matter how good both of those things would be. Mine has been for a very long time to find the meaning of life. I have never found it. I’ve always felt that’s when I’d feel accomplished, when I have found the reason I have been put on this Earth and what the purpose is of me living. Everybody has a purpose so don’t try and tell me I don’t. I just haven’t found that purpose yet.

Notes