Cancer

I wake up. Looking up at a white ceiling. I hear crying in the distance, but I don’t feel anything. I try to open my mouth, because my throat is dry. I could really use a cup of water. Maybe a sandwich too. I’m hungry. There’s something in the way. An oxygen mask. I lift my hand. I have IV’s in both hands/arms. I put them down again and groan. I am in the hospital. I sigh deeply. I pull myself up, so I’m sitting. I see Lyn-z and Gerard. They both have red eyes. They have been crying. Joey and Daniel are here as well. So is Tyler, Shane and Trevor. They all look at me, sad. I pull the red string at the side of the bed, signalizing the doctor I am awake. Charlie enters the room. He has his usual white clothing on. “Louisa. Did you sleep well?” he jokes. I smile at him. I am used to his sarcasm, but the others just stare offended. “Why don’t you start telling your family and friends what’s going on? Apparently, you haven’t told them yet.” Charlie says sharp to me. I do feel bad about it. I just didn’t want them to know. But I know, it is time now, there’s no way out any longer. I look up at them. “I-hum.” I start. Charlie leaves the room, to give me a chance to tell my new family. I don’t even know where to start. But they have to know everything. I can’t hide anymore. “When I was 15, I got cancer.” I admit. They all just stare at me. No one is saying anything. Trevor starts crying. I keep going. “My parents were the only ones who knew. A night, we had a fight about me getting worse. They wouldn’t-they.” I start sobbing. Realizing what really happened that night. Skipping away from our fight. “That night I got very bad, a similar situation, you guys were in.” I look at Gerard and Lyn-z and down at the duvet again. “My parents got me in the car. They thought – I thought, I was the one who was going to die that night. But… they cared too much about keeping me alive, than keeping the car in the right lane. They died that night. And I lived.” I stop and dry my eyes with my duvet. “The morning after I woke up in a hospital. A doctor told me about my FOSTER parents died, and my only living family. My brother.” I turn to Joey. He’s crying, but smiling weak. “At first, I didn’t want to meet him. Because I thought, I was going to ruin his life, with coming into his life and then die. But I did it. I am here now. I decided to not tell anyone about my condition. I thought that, if nobody knew, nobody was suspicious or worried all the time. Or being too careful.” I look at Trevor. “But some things happened. There has been times, where I’ve been going to the hospital. I used an excuse: I have an allergic reaction.” Trevor’s face fall and he looks disappointed. Everybody noticed that. “However, I knew I should tell you, before you could see it.” I reach a hand in my hair. “Because I am in chemo medication now. For the second time.” I scoff sadly. I am so tired of this cancer condition. “But I’m still the old me. I’m still up for pranks and fun, and don’t be too careful around me. I am not a freak.” I state. I look over at Gerard and Lyn-z, they don’t look scared anymore. More like relieved. I watch Tyler, Shane and Trevor. They look okay as well. I sit up and look at Daniel and Joey. All look devastated, but they seem okay as well. “I understand, it’s a lot to take in, but you just have to realize it. It’s going to be tough, but I am still here. And I am okay. Believe it, or not. However, I have you guys, and it couldn’t be better. Then this cancer-condition can suck my ass, cause I have you. You are the most important to me. All of you.” I look at all of them. THEY are my family. I stand up and take off my oxygen mask off and sending the IV’s death glares. “I love you.” I say to all of them and small smiles grow bigger on each another’s face.
Charlie joins us in the room. He smiles politely to my family and reach me. “I know you too well, to notice when you don’t want to be here.” he winks at me, and fixes my arms and hands. I winch at every needle being pulled out of my pale skin. “I need your family to go out in the waiting room, while I fix you, is that okay? Or do you want one person in here?” he whispers to me, while putting bandage on my hand. I nod. “Lyn-z.” I reply in a choked whisper. He nods and asks the others to wait outside. Lyn-z joins me and Charlie on the bed. He smiles at her, while removing everything medical from my body. “Are you in pain?” Lyn-z asks unsure. I scared her really bad. I feel my stomach growl. I shake my head smiling. She smiles along. “Nah, the cancer doesn’t hurt unless I forget to take my medicine or something wrong happens. I can’t feel it. I’ve learned to ignore it.” I shoot Charlie a look and I catch his eyes. I used to be very much in pain, but then this doctor came into the room I was staying in, he told me Pain’s history. That Pain was not the ‘bad guy’ neither was he the ‘good guy.’ Pain demanded to be felt. He wanted attention. Sometimes feeling Pain is good, so you know when there’s something wrong. Other times, you have to ignore it, to keep living. Sometimes I let Pain get felt, to feel alive. Pain makes me feel alive.
“I’m sorry, Lyn-z, I couldn’t control it. I-“ She stops me by putting her finger on my lower lip. “Stop, honey. It’s NOT your fault. You can’t control things like that. It just happens and I am NOT blaming you.” She holds my gaze in hers. I like her eyes they are so calming. Charlie has left the room, so it’s only Lyn-z and I. He told us to leave when I was ready. I got dressed and Lyn-z helped me, I’m still weak. Apparently, the doctors decided to put me in chemo while I was unconscious. Thanks Charlie! So actually, Lyn-z and I are just talking things through now. “Gerard used to have a lot of break downs. And I was there for him through it all. He might look tough and all, but he has been the one crying and hurting as well. I knew, you were having a panic attack, I just didn’t know why. But when I found the medicine, it was bright like the sun. You have cancer. When you went out, I called your brother and Gerard called an ambulance.” She starts sobbing, probably imagining the situation from yesterday. I hold her into me, and she hugs me back. I start stroking her back with my thumb. “I don’t want to lose you.” She cries into my shoulder. My eyes shot up. Surprising. She realized it. She realized it before anyone else did. Faster than my parents. Nothing with: We’re going to keep fighting! We’ll get through this! No, she realized it. First step: Realization: completed.
I sigh in relief and smile. “Look.” I smile at her, pulling her up, so she’s sitting beside me. I turn to her, as she dries her eyes. She looks confused. “I’m still here.” I take her hand, showing I am real. “Life is about living, making memories. Doing everything, you’ve ever dreamt of. We are all going to die someday. My days are counted, so I just have to live now. For the fullest. You have the chance to do it with me. Go on an adventure with me, and the day my adventure must end, that’s when you must keep the adventure going. However, this adventure is NOT over yet.” I wink at her, standing up. She smiles up at me and we walk out smiling together. Second step: accepting: completed.

Notes