Cancer

Days have passed. Many days have passed. I sit in the waiting room in the hospital. I have my chemo medication in 20 minutes. I am not afraid. I haven’t talked to anybody about it. Of course not! Though, I know I need to tell someone soon. I’ve been crying in my sleep the last few nights. This chemo… I don’t think, it’s going to work. It didn’t last time, so why should it now? When my cancer is getting worse.
It got worse! Why should the chemo work now? It just seems so ridiculous to me. I wonder, what everybody else would think, when I lose my hair. Then they’ll realize it. Joey will realize his little sister is dying. And the others will prepare to lose me. I think about what Lyn-z told me. I could always talk to her, if I wanted and needed a friend. I do. I really need a friend. We’ve been talking and texting a lot the last days. We’ve become really close friends. But I am not sure, it’s the right time. Yet. I told the guys I was going for a walk. Daniel accepted and let me go.
“You ready?” Charlie, my dr. approaches me in the doorframe. I stand up and follow him into a hospital bed. “Please, lay down, Lou. You remember how this works?” I nod slowly. I close my eyes and let him do his job. I am not good with needles. Yeah, I have tattoos, but it’s not the same thing.
“You did better than last time, Louisa.” A nurse tells me. My sight is blurred, and I feel sick to my stomach. But I haven’t puked. Yet. “I don’t feel that well.” I admit to the nurse as she helps me sit up. “Remember what I told you last time?” I nod. Something about pulling your head between your legs, but I’m not sure. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Charlie sits on his knees in front of me. “You know, you will lose your hair soon, sweetheart. Like, in 3 weeks.” He looks apologizing at me, as I stand up. I am almost crying. More like panicking. What am I doing? I have to tell someone. I have to get help. I have to tell them. I… “I’m sorry, honey.” Charlie says from my behind. I hug him, but turn to go. “I got to get out of here, I’ll see you next week, Charlie.” He nods and I disappear in the crowd of people, and appear again in the parking lot. I get in the car and pull out my phone. Messages from Trevor from the last days. It’s all about my grounding. How him and Shane aren’t allowed of Joey to text me. I find Lyn-z’s number. But decide not to call. I don’t want to show up all pathetic and dramatic. I decide to drive home.
Joey and Daniel suddenly stands in the doorframe to my room, looking at me from their spot. I sit on my bed staring out the window. I’ve been in this position since I got home from the hospital. I’ve been crying a lot. Feeling miserable, almost feeling every little cancer cell in my body eating my innocent little fighters inside of me. I feel them die. I feel myself slowly die. Joey knocks on the doorframe. “Yeah?” I choke out as a whisper. “You know, this grounding-thing really sucks for all three of us, so we call it off, deal? But you have to tell us, when you leave, okay Louisa?” I nod. “Thank you.” I smile for myself. I haven’t looked up at them yet. I’m just looking at the sky through my window. “Would you like to join us for dinner?” Daniel asks polite. I nod. “Coming in a few.” I reply. They leave the door open. I rise to my feet and get over to the window. I open it and poke my head out. The fresh air hits me like a tsunami. “Feeling better?” I ask myself. I pull my head inside again. “Much better.” I say and walk downstairs to find Trevor, Shane, Tyler, Joey and Daniel eating pizza while watching the Ellen show. I join them on the floor eating pizza. They all seem so happy to see me. “The Twins reunited!” Trevor yells and jump down on my arm. I hiss and feel tears come to my eyes. He looks afraid at me. I look down at my arm. It’s all blue and purple from the chemo medication session earlier. “What happened to you?” Trevor asks me shocked. “I’m okay. I just fell.” I lie. He scoffs at me, but pushes away the thought and lie on me again.
I’ve been hanging out with Lyn-z a lot the last days after I was sat free by Joey. It has been awesome. I met her husband. Gerard Way, who is my favorite singer. This is sick… it’s surreal that my other family is my role models. Lyn-z knows. She knows I know who her family is. And that I knew who she was when we met first time. She also knows I am not a crazy fan. I am just a friend, who also happen to like their music.
Trevor and Shane have been over as well. And Tyler. Shane told me about a friend of his is going to live with him and Trevor. He’s Canadian. I’m looking forward to meet him, yet I’m scared. Trevor doesn’t like him very much. He says, he’s a rude loner. But hey, Shane was rude at first to me. This person can’t be worse than him.
As I read my favorite comic of all time: The Umbrella Academy by Gerard A. Way, my phone goes off. I reach out for it. It’s on the nightstand and I have an addiction based on lying on the floor reading. It’s noon and the guys are doing who in hell knows in their room. I pull off my oxygen mask and get up catching my phone. “Ello Louisa here, so start speaking before I hang up on you!” I giggle as I ruffled to lay down on the ground again. “Hey Louisa! It’s Lyn-z! I was wondering, if you wanted to hang out today?” I nod my head repeatedly and realize she can’t see me. “Of course, when?” I ask as I pull a hoodie over and find my bag. I put the comic in, my earphones and my phone charger. “I was thinking now, if you’ve got time?” I throw my medicine in my bag as well, with a small sigh. “Sure. I just have to ask Joey, wait a moment.” I walk through the hallway with Lyn-z on the phone. I knock politely at their door. “Come in!” Joey yells. I open the door. “I’m going to a friend’s house so I won’t be—“ I stop as I see Joey on top of Daniel. They are naked. The only cover is their duvet. “OMG. No! I don’t wanna see this. Ew. Why did you do this to me?” I yell at them in disgust. “This is live porn! And I don’t want to watch you!” They laugh at me, and so does Lyn-z on the phone. “Say hi to your friend from us!” Daniel yells as I close the door. “OMG… traumatized for the rest of my life…” I say more to myself than Lyn-z. “Okay. I’ll come pick you up. See you in 5 minutes!” she says and hangs up. I walk outside with my bag. I lock the door behind me.
“Hey!” I yell at Lyn-z as she parks the car in front of me. I get in and hug her tight. “Ready?” she asks as I buckle my seat belt. “Ready.” I set my bag down in between my legs. “So Bandit is home, and so is Gerard, I hope that’s okay.” I smile at myself. “Yeah, sure.” I smile polite and she turns on the radio. My Chemical Romance is playing. Of course. I smile at my fingers wrestling each another in my lap. She winks at me.
“Are you coming?” Lyn-z asks, interrupting my stream of thoughts. I nod and get out of the car. We enter the normal sized brown breezeblock house. I take off my jacket and my shoes and follow Lyn-z inside. Everything is… normal. Beside all the papers everywhere. Earlier I would have thought Gerard was watchful with his sketches and notes, but after of being here a few times before, I figured, apparently not. I pick a paper up from the floor. It’s a girl. She is not drawn finished. It’s just her hair and eyes. Her ears and a nose. But it’s clear, it is a girl. I study the drawing deeper. “Here.” I turn my face to Lyn-z, who’s handing me a cup of coffee. She knows me so well already. I take it, and go back to studying the paper. I see the sadness in the girl’s eyes. But there’s still hope for her, or else Gerard wouldn’t have drawn the light. It’s fading light, but it’s still there.
“You like what you see?” the voice of Gerard says from the end of the room. I look up and see him in an old black parade jacket and tight black jeans. He comes over hugs me. I smile and set the coffee mug on the island I am leaning against, and hug him again. When we pull away, I see that he has words written on his skin. I look at it. Milk, sugar… it looks like a shopping list. “It’s just notes.” He smiles at me. “Okay. And yes, I do like what I see.” I refer to the sketch I am holding I my other hand. “But why is she sad?” I ask and he joins the studying on his sketch. “Well, I don’t know yet. I haven’t used her for anything yet, that’s why she isn’t finished. I guess she’s been through a lot, you know.” He scratches the back of his head and put the paper down. “But there’s still hope, or else you wouldn’t have made the light behind the outside of her eyes.” I point out. “Cause life always gives you “second chances.”” Gerard points out.
A little girly laugh fills the room and suddenly Lyn-z and Bandit comes into the living room, where me and Gerard were discussing his art work. He’s working on a new comic. I told him about me loving his work, both the music and the art. He was very thankful. He asked me how I met Lyn-z and Bandit, and I told him about the day I woke up in the park. He was very nice to talk to. He is a good listener and an even better person. “Louisa!” Bandit cheers and hugs me tight. I smile at the little girl. “Hey Bandit!” I hug her again. I missed her. She’s wearing a band t-shirt. She is 4 years old, and wears band t-shirts. She’s the most awesome 4-year-old I’ve ever laid eyes on. She pulls away from me and looks at me. “You are still wearing black.” She points out. I nod and smile wry. “Do you want to see my pirate costume?” she pulls my arm to go with her. I join her and look slightly behind me. Lyn-z and Gerard smile at us as we leave the room. We enter a room, which doesn’t look like a 4-year-old girl’s room. Except from the unicorns. There’s A LOT of unicorns. And pirates. “Look!” Bandit yells and holds a pirate costume up. I take it and study it. “Wow, it’s really nice!” I admit. The little girl suddenly goes sad. “But there’s a hole in it. Look.” She takes the upper part of the costume and finds the ripped up hole. If they’ve got a string and a needle I can surely fix that. “Do you know, if your mom and dad have a needle and a string?” she shakes her head and run out of the room. I hear her little angelic voice in the distance. “Mama, do you have a string and a needle?” I hear the girly laughter again. Bandit sit down next to me with a red box. I pull out a needle and a matching black string. Just so the string and the clothes matches. I prepare the stringing process as Bandit watches carefully. Then I start. It only takes a few minutes to fix the costume.
“Now. Try to put the costume on again.” I tell Bandit. She nods happily and change into a pirate. She looks at her reflection in the full body mirror on her wall in her room. “I love it! Thank you so much, Lou!” she jumps up and down grinning. She hugs me and runs out to her parents, as I walk after her with the string box. “Look dad, Look mama! Lou fixed it!” she cheers. They smile at her as she runs up joining them in the sofa. “You look so cool!” Gerard exclaims tickling Bandit. She laughs even harder. Lyn-z pets her hair and gets up to me. She takes my hand smiling. “Thank you so much, Lou.”
I’m not feeling very well. It can’t be the chemo, and I can’t be sick. If I get sick, we all know, what’s going to happen to me. I’m sweating and my sight is blurred. I can hear my heart beating in my ears. My sight fails, and I wake up again. I fall in and out of conscious. My breathing gets harder. Did I take my medication? No, that must be it. I stand up, but fail again. I hold on to the couch I sat in. Taking a deep breath. “Are you okay?” Lyn-z asks me, as she enters the living room. Gerard is putting Bandit to bed, and we were preparing to watch a movie. I close my eyes, and concentrate about acting normal. I stand straight up, but I’m still dizzy as fuck. It hurts when I breathe. “Yeah, I just…” I start but I fail. I gulp and fall back into conscious. She rushes over to me, holding me up. “What’s going on?” my sight fails again, and I take hold of Lyn-z. “I need my bag.” I choke. I feel her sit me down on the couch. She rushes to my bag and get my medicine out. “Oxygen mask.” I choke out. I can’t breathe. Lyn-z pulls everything out of my back, to hurry finding it. Seeing all my stuff on the floor, but no oxygen mask. Fuck! I left it on my nightstand. I put my hand in my face, as I start panicking. “Gerard!” Lyn-z calls out. She’s afraid. I’m scaring her. It wasn’t on purpose. I’m sorry. I am a monster. Gerard comes into the living room. He looks scared. “What’s going on?” he chokes. “Water. A cup of water, hurry!” Lyn-z demands him and he rushes off. She turns back to me. She holds me in to her, as comforting. She looks for my phone and finds it on the coffee table. I look at her, and she looks at me. “Don’t- don’t call him.” I beg her, half conscious. She’s teary. She nods and hugs me, comforting me. Gerard enters again with a cup of water. My sight fails. “Louisa, stay!” Gerard exclaims holding my hand. I’m in present again. I hand out to the pills and start swallowing my medication with the water. “You’re doing good.” Lyn-z says. “I’m right here.” she strokes my back. I’m not feeling sick anymore, but I am still dizzy. I grab the floating medicine and take it. I sit for a moment trying to control everything, but it doesn’t work. The medicine for my breathing doesn’t work. I look at the white wall in front of me, as my sight fails again. I fight for keeping my eyes open, but they seem to be heavier than I thought. I turn my eyes to Lyn-z, who looks like she just saw a ghost. “I’m sorry.” I breathe out and everything turns black.

Notes