Cancer

“Lou! Shane and Trevor is here!” Daniel call from downstairs as I get out of the shower. I hurry up and put on my shark kigurumi. I run downstairs and embrace my best friend in a big hug. “I missed you too.” He laughs. We giggle and run upstairs to play Mortal Kombat. He’s never going to win, but I like to watch him try. “Why is Shane here too?” I ask rolling my eyes at the thought of him. I don’t like him. He’s so mean. “I’m staying at his house now.” Trevor smiles. “He’s not that bad, you just have to get to know him.” he winks at me. “Whatever you say, honey.” I shake my head.
“Where are you going?” Trevor asks, as I reach out for my coat. “Just going out for a while.” I answer him innocent. I look him in the eyes. “Can I come with you?” he asks. What am I going to do? If I tell him no, it will sound like I’m up to no good. If I tell him “yes,” he’ll find out about my condition. “Sure.” I choke out before thinking an extra time. Nice work, Lou! I mentally face palm myself. “Great! Shane I’m going out with Lou somewhere! Bye guys! But you drive.” He hands me his car keys and we get in his car.
“Where are we going exactly?” He suddenly asks as I turn to the left. “I…” I start. “I have got this allergic reaction for something, so I’m going to see my doctor.” I lie to Trevor’s face. I feel so bad for doing it, but I’m trying to protect him. He just nods understanding. Oh, Trevor. If you only knew. I squeeze the stirring wheel, as I reach the parking lot of the hospital. “Can you wait here?” I ask as I turn to him. “No, I’m coming with you, I’ll just wait outside the room.”
I’m shaking and my face is all wet from crying. Charlie, my Dr. just told me, I had to get the chemo again, because my condition is getting worse. I am closer of dying. I dry my eyes before going back to the room Trevor is waiting. I reach the room and take a deep breath before entering the room. “Are you okay?” he stands up and hugs me. I nod. “Just allergy, you know.” I lie again, as I hold the mask onto my mouth to calm down my breath. Charlie told me, I should wear it in my sleep and when it get hard to breathe. He hugs me tight and I hug him back.
On the way home, none of us really says anything. Trevor keeps looking at me every now and then. Now he’s staring at me. “What?” I ask a little of mind. “Are you sure, it’s just allergy?” he puts his hand on mine. I nod and smile weak. “Yeah, what else would it be?” I say, as if it was the most obvious reason. He shrugs and we are home.
“How was the trip?” Joey asks as he looks weird at Trevor. He is acting weird. “It was fine.” He says and looks guilty at me. I didn’t hurt him. Why is he like this? “What are you wearing?” Joey asks me concerned. Why are they so caring? “I’m allergic, and I get my medicine through this.” I lie again. He nods. I take Trevor’s hand and drag him into the living room to the others. “You sit, I’ll just go upstairs with this.” I point at my mask. He nods and sit down next to Shane.
I get upstairs and go to my room. I throw myself at my bed and pull off my oxygen mask. I put it on my nightstand next to my bed, as I turn around, so I’m facing the attic. I breathe out deeply, trying to breathe normal. As I think it sounds normal, I get downstairs. “Why were you at the hospital?” I hear a voice speak up. “We were picking up, Lou’s medicine. She is allergic to something.” Trevor answers. I walk into the living room they are all there. Trevor looks sad in some kind of way, but not as if he could cry any second. Just sad and maybe a bit mad. He looks from my eyes to the floor. I sit down next to Joey and in front of Trevor. They were watching a movie as we were away. It’s at the ending now. I look at Trevor again, he’s looking right back at me. “I’ll show Trevor my room.” I say and stand up, grabbing Trevor’s arm and drag him upstairs.
“Don’t be mad at me.” I say as he lays on my bed. It’s been a couple of hours since we got home. “I’m not mad at you.” He snaps back at me. I roll my eyes and turn off the TV he is watching. Or well, was. “Then what are you?” he sits up, catching my eyes. “I just don’t get why you are lying to me.” I turn away from him for a second or two, but catch his eyes again. “I-…” I stutter. I take a deep breath. Should I tell him? He’ll find out sooner or later anyways. No, he can’t know, I don’t want him to worry. “I’m not lying. I just don’t want to talk about my allergy to anyone, I mean, allergy is boring, you know. It’s just medicine and nothing “exciting.”“ I chuckle at him. I could cry that moment. I wish it was allergy, but I have cancer, and I am dying. “Okay, whatever.” He snaps again.
“Are you sleeping over?” Joey suddenly asks as we all sit at the dinner table eating pizza. He’s looking at Trevor and Shane. They discuss about it for almost 2 minutes. Trevor and I got into a fight about lying. I still haven’t told him the truth, and I probably never will. But he’s not giving up either.
“Louisa?” a voice interrupts my stream of thoughts. I look up. “Mmh?” It’s Shane. “Can we sleep in your room?” I shrug. “Sure, whatever.” I really don’t care right now. I’m not okay. And I just want to be. I don’t feel anything at all. I just sit and stare into the wall. It’s so white. Just like the hospital. I am going to get the Chemo soon, next week or so. The guys are going to see me. They are going to find out, that I lied. I am a big fat liar. I’m a horrible person. I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. How did I dare come here? I made friends. I am going to hurt them, and it will be destroying everything. “Lou?” an echoing voice says from the distance. A hand touches my shoulder. I look up. Shane. “The others left for the candy store, do you want to hang?” he asks sweet. I nod and get up from the chair. I wipe my eyes. I’m so close of crying. “What’s up with you?” He asks again. “It’s the world isn’t it? It’s hard out there, I know, people don’t care about anyone but themselves, and they can tear you down when they want. But you have to stay strong, Lou, promise me, you won’t let them take you down.” I just stare at him. Wrong person to tell. I don’t care about people outside this house. I don’t even talk to them. Charlie, yeah, but he’s not like those people, Shane’s talking about. They are alive, I’m dead, soon. “I’m fine, Shane, but thanks for the speech though.” I say with the most feeling a can, but it sounds cold anyway. He just nods. “I know you don’t like me, but you could at least try to behave, I have feelings too, you know.” My eyes shut up at his. I feel an anger grow inside of me. Behave? Excuse me? Last time I checked, he offended me, not the other way around. Plus! I can’t deal with this. Not now. Not… “Go away.” I hold my hands on my face and groan at him. My voice is shaky just like my body. I want to cry. No, I want to yell, I want to be alone and yell out. I want to let it all out. “Get out or I’ll go!” I yell at Shane. He’s shocked. He looks at me like I’m the new animal in the zoo. My breath gets harder, but it just drives me even more angry. “I- I” I fall to my knees in front of him. I do not think about crying in front of him. I focus on my breathing, but I can’t help it. I hand out for the oxygen mask, but I can’t reach. My sight fades, and everything turns black.
“Lou!” I hear someone yell in the distance. I fight to open my eyes. They feel so heavy. “Lou, wake up, please.” It’s Shane, he’s crying. My heart is beating so hard it hurts. I open my eyes and see the oxygen mask held against my mouth. Shane is pressing it against my face. He’s holding me, sitting on the floor. He looks so worried, so stressful. I lift my hand to his face. It feels like lifting a brick. I feel so weak. The contact of my fingers stroking his bearded cheek seems to calm him down. “Lou…” he breathes out. He smiles weak at me, and I reply with a wry smile. As I breathe normal, I pull off the mask and put it back on the nightstand. “I’m sorry.” I say with my normal voice, as I get up on my feet. I wipe my teary face, as Shane stands up. He keep staring at me. “Come here.” he whispers, as if he was afraid to hurt me. He pulls me in for a hug, and I surrender, and hug him again.
“What is going on with you?” Shane asks as we sit on the island in the kitchen. He hands me a cup of water. I hold it tight watching tiny waves, made by my shaky hands, hit the wall of the cup. I hold it tighter to stop the tiny tsunamis, but it only gets worse. I hold the cup normal again, looking up at Shane. What am I going to say? He can’t know, Lou. Not yet. “I just panicked, I guess. There’s just happened so much lately, and it just got to me. I’m sorry.” I shake my head at the thoughts of mom and dad. Or, that’s right: my foster parents. “I’m sorry, I’ve been a dick to you, Lou.” He says and puts his hands on his face. “I’m just very bad at meeting new people.” he confess. I hold him into me and he accepts holding me as well. “Forget about it, okay? You helped me, and I couldn’t thank you enough.” We pull away. I see him drying his eyes, he’s crying. “Did I-“ I stutter. “Did I scare you?” I ask with a whisper. He nods. He’s honest. That’s probably the thing I like most about him. And he’s caring. At least now. “I am sorry.” I hand him a handkerchief from my pocket. He dries his eyes in it, but pull it away from his face in a quick move. “What the fuck, Lou?” he turns to me as if I was someone, he had never seen before. “What?” I ask nervous. “It’s only very old men, who’s still caring handkerchief, who the fuck are you?” he laughs his ass off at me. Yeah, okay. I am a little old-fashioned. So what? I start giggling at him as he gives it back to me. “Here you go, Grandma!” he laughs. I put the handkerchief back in my pocket and smile at him. “You’re welcome, Grandpa!”
“Guys! We’re home!” Trevor yells from the front door. He reaches Shane and me in the living room. We were just talking about phones and who’s is the best. I said my IPhone 3, he said his IPhone 6+. So? He has a bigger phone. Mine is just fine, I don’t want his fancy shitty phone. Trevor sends Shane odd looks as he dumps down on me in the sofa me and Shane was sharing. “You’re friends now?” Trevor asks Shane. He nods smiling. “What happened?” Trevor turns, now he’s lying on the both of us. He doesn’t look heavy, but he is. He really IS. I shot Shane a look in the corner of my eye that says: Please don’t. “We just started talking, and found out that we were okay.” The door goes up and the two lovebirds enter the room. “No, you’re the cutest.” Joey giggles at Daniel. They start a heated make out session right in front of us. “Ew! Get a room!” Shane yells at them and throws a pillow after them. “No problem.” Daniel smirks. “Dibs on the living room!” Trevor, Shane and I groan. “Let’s go to my room then. And bring the candy!” I laugh and we head to my room.

Dear Friend
Trevor and Shane are now sleeping. I really had a great evening, I did. But after I got my message about the chemo, I don’t know. I can’t sleep, because of the thoughts in my head. What am I going to tell them, when my hair starts falling off? What am I going to say, when I get sick and have to stay at the hospital? They would all hate me. We all die alone. But dying alone, because everyone hates you? No thank you. That’s why I have to keep it a secret. If they don’t know, they won’t be too careful around me. If Trevor knew about my cancer, he wouldn’t have dumped down on my stomach on the sofa today. And Shane wouldn’t have kept me home, when I panicked, he would’ve called an ambulance. I don’t want the fun to go away.
“Lou?” I turn to the right side of the bed to see Trevor half awake. I turn off my computer and set it on the nightstand. “Get some sleep, Trevor, you need it.” I whisper and stroke his cheek. He yawns and goes back to sleep. I smile at him. I pull off my oxygen mask and get up from the bed. Without stomping on Shane on the floor, I reach out of my room. Did I bring my phone? I check my back pocket. Yes I did. The time says 4 am. I find my jacket and put on my shoes. I just need to get some fresh air. I close the front door behind me, and start walking away from the house. I pull out my phone and my earphones, and start my My Chemical Romance playlist on Spotify. I reach the park. There’s no one here. No cars. No dogs barking. No one. And why would they? It’s the middle of the night. I sit down on a swing in the middle of the park. I close my eyes as I feel raindrops hit my forehead. More raindrops rush from the sky and hits me like a punch bag. I surrender and let the wind hit me as well. It gets worse, I know. It’s like my feelings are connected to the weather. I don’t cry on the outside though. However, my feelings inside. They match the weather pretty good. My music turns off. No more battery. I am all alone. This could be my dying scene. But it is not. Cause it is not ending here. I have the chemo next week, and I keep living. This is just my feelings. This is just me slowly dying. On the inside.

Notes