Cancer

“You ready to go?” Lyn-z busts into Frank and my room. I shut my eyes open, realizing we never really got dressed after our ‘Making love’-session, because we fell asleep. “Sorry.” She says wide-eyed. I start laughing. Maybe I should be embarrassed, but I am not. Luckily, the duvet was covering most of our bodies, but it was obvious we have had sex.
As I am dressed, I stand for about a minute, just adoring my Frankie. My sleeping Frankie. He looks so peaceful, as if he made a shield around him, so no evil could hurt him. Yeah, that was Frank. My shield for evilness.
I close the door carefully behind me, as I get out of our bedroom with Sir William. I look up at a smiling innocently Lyn-z. “What?” I ask, cracking my voice into a high-pitched tone, accidently of course. I feel my face turn into a bright red. She shakes her head, smiling. “You love him, don’t you?” She says more as a statement rather than a question. I smile at her. “So much.” I tell her truthfully. “He loves you too, Louisa.” I nod, I know. Smiling I put on my shoes and a jacket. Leather jacket. I love leather. We go out to Gerard’s spare time car. Yeah, my dad has a ‘spare-time-car.’ It’s just a car, however, he only uses it really rare. Why even have an extra car if you don’t use it? Well, we are the Ways. We are weird people.
“I like these.” I say as I hold up a pair of big, black combat boots. Lyn-z joins me, looking at them. “Your dad would love them as well. I like them. Try them on.” She shrugs as she goes back to look at shoes for herself. I put them on. I look in the mirror in front of me. They look great. I would totally die in these! Wait. I’m sorry? But. I would. I put on my flip-flops again and hand Lyn-z the box with the combat boots in. “Can I get these?” I ask her smiling. She nods. “I found some shoes as well for, you know, your…” She waves her hands. I smile at her. “It’s not a curse-word, mom. You can say it. Also in my company. Remember, it’s not a party, neither a ‘sad’ funeral. It is the last goodbye.” I explain to her, as we pay the cashier. He’s looking very suspicious at us. It’s none of your business dude. We take our bags and head into the next store. “You want leather jeans and a top?” I nod, smiling at a boy walking past us. I keep looking at him, and he keep watching me as well. I stop up, and so does he. I squeeze my eyes, thinking about who the hell this guy is. I start studying his eyes. He starts smiling bright. He has recognized who I am. Shit, what am I going to do? He’s coming over now. I keep staring into his eyes. “Louisa? Oh my god! It’s so good to see you!” He hugs me. His scent, and that’s where it hits me. “Josh?” I ask with my eyes wide open. He pulls away nodding. Wiping a hand through his blue-green hair. I smile happily, and hug him again. “It’s really you.” I state. He giggles. Josh was my best friend when we were kids. Us, Adam and Alec. However, Josh was like a big brother to me. We lived next to each other. We were CLOSE. Lyn-z comes up from behind and looks at the blue-haired boy I am chatting to. “Oh, yeah, this is my mom, Lyn-z.” I point up at Lyn-z. She waves smiling wry. Josh nods. I just told him about my foster parents. One thing (of many) about Josh is that he understands. He gets it. If you don’t know, how to explain things, just give hints, and he’ll understand. He, apparently, knew about my foster parents, not being my real parents. Apparently, everybody but me did. Which, kind of pissed me off in the moment, but I am not angry or anything now. Just happy to see him again.
“Have you talked to Adam and Alec recently?” I ask Josh, changing the subject. He shakes his head. “No, we lost contact, not long after you stopped hanging with us.” He is very direct in his sayings. Like he always has been. I like it. We just stand there for a couple of time, catching up.
“Do you want to hang out?” He asks me smiling. I think about it. I don’t want to hurt him. I look up at my mom, as if ‘what should I do?’ She smiles weak, understanding my situation. She nods. “It’s okay by me. Just take care, and come home before 8 pm.” She smiles, giving me that look: Live your life. I nod, appreciating her understanding. Josh smiles as well. “Wait. Here,” she says handing me money. “It’s for your… yeah.” She still do not want to say the word. I get it. “Thanks mom.” I hug her tight, burying my face in her shoulder. I feel a hand on my shoulder, and look up smiling at Josh. “I’ll take care of her, don’t worry.” Josh tells my mom, and we walk off.
“How long?” Josh asks as we walk the hall. I look at him. He is good. “I have a few days left.” I reply, smiling stiff at Sir William. He nods weak. “I knew, you know.” I look back up at him, waiting for him to explain himself. “About your cancer, when we were kids. So did the others. We tried to contact you. We still cared. We never gave up on you. I never gave up.” He corrects himself. I nod my head. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t bear to watch your hurt eyes when I die.” I tell him truthfully. He nods. “I get it. I guess we just react differently.” He takes my hand, smiling. “However, don’t get me wrong here, but we would be happy. Happy, because we got the chance to meet you and be your friends. It won’t be sad, I promise. It would be a last goodbye.” He explains and dumps down on the bench. I smile at him, exactly.
“What about this?” Josh holds up a plain white t-shirt up. I shake my head and wrinkle my nose. He puts it back where he found it. We are looking for a top-thing-t-shirt for my funeral. I found the leather jeans. Well, Josh found them. They are all black, not shiny or anything, just blank, dark, black leather jeans. I hold up a black top with a unicorn on saying: eat my stardust, fuckers! I love it, and so would Bandit. But not for my funeral, though. I put it back to the other shirts, groaning. Honestly, I would love to be buried in my old MCR band shirt. The yellow and black one. Yeah, I have a lot of memories in that t-shirt. As, my first concert, no, unfortunately my first concert wasn’t MCR, but Queen. It was awesome! Me and Josh went together, and my foster-dad. Frank’s and my ‘first time.’ I was wearing my batman shorts and my MCR top. He was wearing skinny jeans, black, and a plain white t-shirt. Which he ripped off into pieces. I smile at the thoughts. I love him. I think about his smile, when he blushes. His hands in mine. His laugh, when he says I am weird. His ‘I love you,’ which he tells me every day before we let us selves drift off to sleep. I am in love with him, and I know, it won’t die. Our love is always and forever.
“Ready to go home, daydreamer?” Josh suddenly asks hugging me from behind. I nod, yeah. “Who were you thinking about?” He asks, as we head out of the mall. I blush, giggling, holding Josh’s hand. “My boyfriend.” He stops and looks at me “Ooh.” He smirks, wiggling his eyebrows. “Who’s the lucky guy?” Josh swings his arm around my shoulder, smiling happily for me. “His name is Frank.” I state. “And we are deeply in love with each other.” I sigh, thinking of him again. I wonder if he’s up, or if he’s still sleeping. It wouldn’t surprise me, if he’s still asleep. Typical Frankie.
“It has been an adventure with him in my life. Like, really. I mean, everybody have their ups and downs, but I couldn’t wish for more with Frankie.” I look up, imagining his happy face, every time we’re together. “I just-“ I exhale sharply, smiling like an idiot. “Every day, when I wake up next to him, I wish I didn’t have to move, so I could just watch him. Not in the creepy way, of course. No. Just watch him sleep, so peacefully. Adoring his cute face. I wouldn’t let anything evil come near him.” I say more as a whisper, mostly to myself, but he seem to hear it. “Oh my God, you really love him.” Josh states, smiling at me. I smile at my shoes. “Yeah, he is the love of my life.”
Josh throws his longboard on the ground and gets up. He reaches out a hand for me. “Where’s your car?” I ask frowning at the board. He shrugs. “I do not own one.” I nod, considering my options here. Well, you only live once. I tell myself, as I pull Sir William up as a backpack. Practical, I know. I hold Josh’s hand, and he pulls me up in front of him on the board. He holds both hands on my waist to hold me. “I promised your mom to take care of you. I hold my promises.” He winks at me. I shake my head at him, nodding. “I know.” He looks behind us, waiting for the road to be clear. As the last car rides ahead of us, Josh looks down at me. “Ready?” He asks, smirking. I nod, unsure, and he kicks off. It’s easy. I mean, I’m not the one kicking off, but with the balance I mean. I like this. I smile, as we ride along the park gate. Josh rides pretty fast, but I like it. I let out a giggle, feeling the wind play with my clothes. I hold out my hands, feeling the wind in my palms. “You like it?” Josh asks, tightening his grip on my hips. “Hell yeah!” I reply.
“Do you like want to come with me? Like hang out?” I ask him. Josh nods “Sure, if it’s okay with your parents.” Josh answers. We go inside and see Gerard in the kitchen. He frowns at me, as he see the blue-haired dude beside me. “Hi dad, can I have a friend over?” I ask innocently, smiling. He shrugs. “Yeah sure, just don’t ruin anything.” I roll my eyes. His teenage-fob-thing is almost, ALMOST too real. I wave my friend inside. He looks surprised at him. Yeah, we are not all “emos.” Or well, I amnot either, but isn’t that the label everybody else uses? I am punk/rock. Move on people! It’s not 2006 anymore. Josh is a skater. Which I think is cool. I smile at him as I lead him into my room. “Wait here.” I tell him. Josh finds a spot on the floor, sitting down. He smiles up at me. I smile back. “Be right back.” I close the door behind me and join Gerard in the kitchen.
“Who is he?” He asks confused. I smile at my feet. I got my friend back. Even though I pushed them away back then, Josh never stopped being my friend. I mean, he just proved. “He is my old best friend. From before cancer.” I explain, as Frankie and Lyn-z join us in the kitchen. “I’m glad, you have him.” Frank says kissing my cheek. “Just don’t forget about me.” He whispers in my ear. I smile at his nervousness. “You will always be first for me.” I kiss him longing. He kisses me back, loving. “You too.” He winks, holding around my waist. I look up and see a smiling Lyn-z. “By the way, I bought some skinny, leather jeans.” I say and hand her the left-over money. She nods approving my choice of outfit to my funeral. I take Frank’s hand and lead him towards our room. “Meet my friend.” I cheer, slightly. I open the door and go with him inside. We look at the teenager on the floor. He rises to his feet, and approaches Frank, shaking his hand. “I’m Josh.” He smiles wry, winking at me. He was faster than me. Bastard. “I’m her boyfriend, Frank Iero.” Frank says smiling, holding around my waist protecting. My animal.
Dear Friend
Frank and Josh made friends pretty fast. Josh hasn’t changed one bit. He is still the kid he has always been. However, that kid grew up, and is now a man. Still a child on the inside though.
Dad invited Josh to the funeral as well. My family seems to like him, which makes me even happier. Josh told my dad, it isn’t a funeral, but a last goodbye, which made me smile. Sometimes I wonder, if he reads minds, or if he just IS brilliant.
Josh just went home, though. I got very ill in the late night hours, so Frank drove him home. Like I told you, I do not have much time left. I hate it already. I do not want to die. Or. I do not want to see the people I love losing me. It scares me the most. Yeah, actually, I am not afraid to die. I am afraid that I’ll hurt them.
I close my computer, and look up at mom, who’s now sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at me. I sigh, and push the computer to Frank’s side of the bed. He’s been staying here since the night we met. I smile at the thought of our first meeting. How I bumped into him after my toilet visit. I blush at the silly move we made with our hands. My mind goes further back. First day, I met mom and Bandit. At the park, after my panic/anger attack. My first meeting with dad. I smile, as I look out the window. Dad’s papergirl.
I pet the spot next to me on the bed for mom. She accepts and put the computer on Frank’s nightstand, and lays beside me. We lie for a couple of moments, just staring at the ceiling. It’s dark. The only light in here is from the hallway outside the room. A little light shade making its way into my room through the half-closed door. Mom turns to face me, and I look down at her. I am told not to move my head, since I choke. I can barely talk, and I sure cannot breathe any more than Sir William lets me. You can hear my hoarse breath clearly. It doesn’t surprise or scare anyone anymore. Luckily, I am not “freakish,” or whatever someone would call it. Scary, maybe. However, my family doesn’t see me that way. I am just me, Louisa. Struggling to breathe.
I smile at my mom. She lets her fingertips trace patterns on my facial skin. It’s so calming. I let my eyes close, under her doing. “Don’t sleep.” She whispers. I open my eyes, nodding at her demand. She giggles slightly. “Sorry, I just want to talk a little.” She moves closer to me, keeping the eye contact. I nod, turning my head. I squeeze my eyes shut in pain. “Hurts.” I choke out, which makes me cough. She nods, apologizing. I hate being this weak. It’s not like me, at all. Mom holds up a paper towel to my mouth, as I cough up blood. She removes it, as she has whipped the blood off my skin. I look down at my fingers wrestling each other, when I get an idea. I catch mom’s eyes and point at the computer. She smiles understanding and grabs it. She helps me sitting, and put the computer in my lap. I turn on the computer and open a word document. My fingers trace over the keys and write the first word:
“Hello J” it says and mom sits smiling at me. “Hi.” She grins, waving.
“What’s up?” I write down on the white screen in front of me, waiting for her to answer in her own words. She smiles wry. “Can I call your dad in?”
“Sure.” I write down and she calls on dad. He comes into the room, joining in the bed. He looks confused at the computer, as mom explains. He end up nodding a few times, understanding. “What’s going on?” I write down, smiling weak. They look at each other and then back at me. Sad. Dad has tears in his eyes, and mom squeezes his hands in hers, as if to tell him, it’s okay to cry. “You’re going to stay at the hospital.” Mom explains. I look at her sternly at first, but accept her choice of movements. “I want to stay at home, but I need to stay at the hospital.” I think about the day with Charlie, where he gave me a choice. However, it is not my choice anymore. This is about them. What they are comfortable doing. They just want me to be safe. I look down at my computer, imagining staying at the hospital. I frown as I think further. Imagining them leaving me there to myself. I don’t want that. I feel dad stroking my hand. I look up at him with tears in my eyes, and back down at the computer screen again. “Please, do not leave me.” I write, and they look shocked at me. “Oh, sweetheart.” Mom exclaims hugging me into her body. She’s so comfortable. And her scent seems to have a calming effect on me. “We will NEVER leave you.” She explains, putting pressure on ‘never.’ I nod, understanding, smiling approving. “We’re going to stay with you to your last breath.” Dad explains. It’s hard for him to not cry, but he’s doing well. THEY are doing well. “You are the best parents in the whole universe.” I write, smiling. “We love you so much.” They say and hug me. I lean my head against dad’s shoulder, whispering an “I love you too.”
“You good?” Dad asks me, as he places me in the backseat next to Frankie and Mikey. Ray and Bandit are in the seats behind me and Frank, and mom and dad are in the front seat. I nod, smiling. Mikey buckles my seat belt in, smiling adoring at me. Frank holds my hand, tracing patterns on my skin. I smile at it. “I love you.” I whisper, and lean my head against his shoulder. “I love you too.” He says and kisses my forehead. The vehicle’s engine starts, and we start moving. “I am pretty amazing.” I choke out, playing a smile across my face. My family laughs at me. “Yeah, you are.” Mikey confirms stroking my shoulder, caring.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Charlie asks smiling stiff at my condition. He is taking some tests on me, as my family sits outside in the waiting area. He looks at some papers, frowning at some of them. It must be my results. It doesn’t look good. I can see it clearly. He’s on the edge of crying. I feel myself grow heavy. More than I already am. I feel like dying now. Like, physically. I lie down looking up at Charlie, who fumbles with my test results. “Look,” he starts, and sits down on the edge of my bed, showing off the papers. He starts explaining about the cancer, which is eating me up from the inside, and how they cannot do anything about it. I let his words, his explanation float out of the other ear. I look up at the ceiling, wondering why it is white. Everything in here just seems to be white. The walls, the chairs, the ceiling, their clothes. I mean, come on! Have a little color in your life, will ya? I scoff at my own thoughts pushing them away, and return to reality. Charlie is still explaining about the cancer. I look up at him, and see his hurt eyes. He knew this day would come, and well. Here we are. I inhale deeply from the oxygen mask I am wearing, feeling myself drifting in and out of consciousness. I fight to hold up my hand, but it is more difficult than just saying so. I fight for it. Succeed. I put my hand on his, as if to ask him to stop. He looks down at me, understanding. I let my eyes close, but shut them up again. He nods, and walks out of the room, leaving me to my own thoughts. How the hell is this happening? I mean. I just got a family served right in front of me. My best friend came back. Yesterday, I was skating down the street. I was feeling good. And now. Now it’s just. About to be over.
I hear the door creak open, and my family comes in. Bandit runs over to me, tears in her eyes. I reach out to hold her hand. She takes it, holding it tight. “You’re cold.” She points out and look behind her. I catch Frank’s eyes, then Mikey’s, Ray’s and mom and dad’s. I turn back to Bandit, who is watching me, caressing my hand, avoiding the IV’s. “We’ll still be ghost friends. Right?” she sniffles and dries her eyes in her sleeve. I nod weak. “Of course.” I choke out. A smile plays on her lips and she cheers. I guess, it’s her way of “dealing,” believing in the aftermath. I feel my eyelids start to grow heavier, and I give Charlie a weak nod. He nods back, accepting, telling my family to say goodbye. They start crying. Tears falling. Especially from mom, dad and Frank. Ray and Mikey takes Bandit with them, after they told me goodbye. Dad doesn’t want Bandit to see me die. Which I understand. Dad crotches down next to me, looking into my eyes. Mom is right next to him, tracing her fingertips on my skin in my face. Calming me down. “It’s okay, sweetie.” She says, tears in her eyes. “It’s okay to let go.” She finishes. “You’ll always be our daughter and we will always love you.” Dad confirms, sniffling. My sight is blurred and again I fall in and out of consciousness. My eyes catch a pair of hazel eyes behind my parents. They are teary and torn up. I look at the face they belong to. Frank. However, he is not sad. He is smiling. I smile accepting myself in my situation. Maybe it’s okay. I mean. Maybe it’s okay to die now. He nods, accepting, and I let my eyelids fall, and everything turns into darkness.

Notes