Cancer

“I called Joey, and told him you are awake.” Gerard admits as him and me sit outside in the fresh air. He is smoking, I’m not. He sits a few meters away from me, so I don’t breathe in the smoke. “He wants to visit you.” He says blowing out the smoke from his cancer stick. “He left me.” I say with no facial expression. “He’s your brother.” Gerard explains sternly. “HE left ME.” I repeat myself, with more pressure. “You are my dad. Lyn-z is my mom. Bandit is my sister. Mikey and Ray are my uncles. Frank is my boyfriend. But Joey is no longer my brother. We may be blood-bound, but we are not family. He ended it, when he left me.” I snap. Gerard nods understanding. “If you say so.” He ashes out his cigarette and throws it away. “You coming?” He asks smiling. I nod and walk with him inside.
“You haven’t touched your food.” Mikey says, caring. I look up, meeting his eyes. “No, I am not hungry.” I admit. I haven’t eaten in days because of the “being-gone”-thing, but I’m full. If I eat now, I’m going to throw up, oh wait, I will anyways. I poke the pizza on my plate. The hot cheese looks like it’s breathing, bubbling up and down. I poke the bubbles and let the cheese die. “Wait for me?” I ask it, even though I am talking to nobody else than pizza cheese. My sight falls down, glancing at the now running cheese on my plate. There’s so much cheese. It holds together, like a family. My family. I’m happy here, not with my brother who leaves me, when he wants to. Dude, I am dead soon, and he runs off with his boyfriend when he finds out. I push the plate away from me, and hand out for Sir. William. I avoid the eyes on me, as I leave the dining room. I head outside, just wanting to be alone. Gerard stands up to follow me, but Lyn-z grabs his arm, shaking her head. He sits down again. Thank you, mom. I think to her but do not say anything.
I sit on a cold plastic chair outside the house, on the porch with a blanket around me. I feel a breeze stroking along my face. I smell the fresh autumn air, closing my eyes. I wiggle the blanket even more around me, and I get to half lie down. I look up at the stars in the night sky. I don’t see the brightest. I think about Trevor. Then Shane. He stopped caring as well. Now we’re just strangers. And I am fine by that. I just don’t want be forgotten.
“Ohana means family. Family means, that nobody gets left behind or forgotten.” Bandit says suddenly. I turn away to see the little girl holding Destiny in her arms. She looks up at me. I look behind her, it’s only her.
“I found him, I hope it’s okay, I borrowed him when you were gone.” She tells me, hopping up in the chair beside me. She hugs him close into her tiny body. She smiles at him. I nod, as an okay. Bandit turns her head back up looking at me. “You will always be my sister.” I hear her say. It makes me smile. “When you leave, I’ll watch out for mom and dad, and when you come back as a ghost.” She gasps loudly, grinning happily. “We will be ghost-sisters! And we will live happily ever after as ghost-buddies.” She adds smiling. I smile with her. “You really think so?” I ask her. “Yeah! Totally!” She says and takes my hand, pulling me up to stand. “Now come with me inside and make us hot chocolate!” She cheers and holds my hand tight as we walk into the kitchen.
“There you go!” I say as I put extra cream in her hot chocolate. “Thanks, Lou!” She smiles bright looking at me. I hold up my cup with extra cream as well. She does the same. “Cheers, ghost-buddy!” I wink at the little human in front of me. “Ghost-bodies forever!” She hits her mug against mine, and we enjoy the hot chocolate. I watch her gulp through her mug, cream coming everywhere in her face. I giggle at her and wipe it away with my fingers. I lick off the cream of my fingers and smirk. She giggles and lick some of the cream on her cheek. “Bandit!” Gerard calls from the living room. It sounds like, he’s coming closer. I look down at the smirking Bandit. “Shh! Dad’s coming! I don’t wanna go to bed! Hide me!” She whisper shrieking. I pull her carefully in the little room under the island we’re standing at, giving her the sign to stay quiet. “Bandit?” Gerard asks and faces me in the kitchen. He smiles weak. “Are you okay?” I nod, smiling. I can’t stop thinking about hiding my little sister from our dad, so she doesn’t have to go to bed. “Yeah, I just needed a moment.” I say sipping my hot drink carefully. He nods looking around frowning. “Have you seen Bandit?” He asks suspicious. I shake my head smiling stiff. “Nope, haven’t seen her.” My head gets warm, and I feel myself blush. Damn! I’m so bad at lying. He shrugs turning his side to me, watching around again. “You sure?” He squeezes his eyes together. “Totally!” I almost yell. I’m so bad at this. Gerard nods leaving the room. “Is he gone?” I hear a tiny voice. “Yeah.” I breathe. Bandit crawls out of her hiding spot and giggles. “Come on.” I smile at her, as we tiptoe through the house, without getting caught.
“Lou?” Bandit asks as we lay beside each other eating some candy I have in Sir William. He is very practical. We lay in my bed in my and Frank’s room, looking at each other. “Bandit?” I say back in the same tone. She smiles wry at me, eating a gummi bear. “When is you birthday?” I turn to face the ceiling, thinking. We all know our own birth date. Each year it comes, and we are excited about it. Have you ever thought about, each year you live through your death date as well? I shake my head, pushing the thought away.
“Next week.” I smile back at her. She nods her tiny head. “What do want for your birthday?” She asks further. Honestly, I wish for being alive. Just to be alive that day, and then maybe die the next day. However, I would love to turn eighteen, and celebrate my birthday with my new family, and eat cake! “A cake.” I set as my statement. “I meant as a gift, silly.” She giggles putting her hand in mine. I shake my head. I don’t know, what to “wish for.” This family is all I could ever wish for. “I don’t want any gifts, you’re my gift send from heaven. I couldn’t wish for more.” I tell her honestly. She frowns at my respond, but nods understanding. “I’ll give you something anyways.” She shrugs and sits up yawning. “Are you tired?” I tilt my head, shooting out my lower lip. She nods, and stretches her arms. “I should get you to bed.” I say and lift her up in my arms. Yup, I may be weak and sick and a cancer kid, who can’t breathe by herself. However, I will carry my little sister to bed.
“So long and goodnight.” I wink at her as I pull the duvet over her body. “Ways.” She smiles. I giggle, kissing her forehead. “I love you.” I tell her for the first time. I do, I love that little girl. She closes her eyes. “I love you too, Lou.” Which makes me smile. I leave the room, turning off the light. I pull Sir. William out with me and close the door. Lyn-z and Gerard stands behind me, as I turn to enter the living room. I smile innocent at their half-angry faces. “I’m sorry, we just had a good time. Some “sisters before misters”-type of quality time.” I admit smiling. “Oh well… but if she doesn’t wake up to kinder garden tomorrow morning, I blame you, young lady.” Gerard says sternly. I smirk at him. I’m a teenager, it’s just how it is. I have to be crossing lines and be pain in the ass sometimes. “We’re ghost-buddies, what can I say?” I hear a girly laughter from Bandit’s room, which makes me smile bright. “Ghost-buddies forever!” she cheers. Lyn-z shakes her head at us, and laughs. “You girls.” She nods approving.
I pull Sir William further with me into the living room, sitting in the armchair. I pull him into my lap and start smiling as I think of my family behind me. I smirk as I get an excellent idea. I start stroking Sir William as if he was my pet. I turn my chair dramatically towards my family. They look up as the chair creaks its way around. “I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.” I say with an, oh so dramatic voice. They look at me, as if I was crazy. Ray is the only one giggling. “You’re so weird.” Mikey states shocked. I giggle, and sit Sir William down on the floor, looking at the TV. “What are we watching?” I ask suspicious as Mikey smirks. “Well, we were watching porn, but then you busted in, and we shifted to Animal Planet. I roll my eyes, and the guys laughs behind him. “Yeah, right.” I nod in sarcasm. Frank shakes his head. “We are not watching anything, just shuffling through the channels. However, your parents do have a porn channel.” He giggles, showing off his cute little teeth. He looks back at Mikey, who’s fumbling on a computer, which is now connected to the TV. “They do now.” He smirks. I shake my head. “You’re a child, Mikey.” Lyn-z and Gerard enters the room. We are all watching the porn on the flat screen across the white wall. This is some weird ass porn, and I guess it’s a part of Mikey’s plan to annoy his older, MATURE brother. All eyes of the four of the “crime-riders” are plastered to the screen, wondering what the hell is going on between the one Chinese guy and the other Asian or whatever he is. Yup. Gay-porn, but in some odd, extraordinary “scene.” Doing nasty stuff with… What is that even? “Is that an octopus?” Lyn-z asks disgusted, as she looks at the sticky creature on the Chinese man. We all let out a disgusted laugh. “Ew!” Mikey crinkles his nose. “You haven’t changed over the last 8 years, Michael! Grow up, will ya?” Gerard says, turning off the TV. Mikey shrugs, laughing it off. “I wanna be forever young.” He sings with a tone death voice. He looks at me, smirking, mouthing a ‘you’re welcome.’ I grin cheesy back at him, ironically. Gerard shakes his head at us. “You’re kids.” He groans and leaves the room, to get into his office. Ray follows Gerard. He obviously is too mature for our fooling around.
I turn to face Lyn-z, who is now talking to Mikey about something I cannot hear. “Hey pretty-face.” Frank says, and I turn to see him leaning against my chair. His eyes are looking into mine. Green, hazel eyes, staring into my gray – maybe even colorless eyes. I look at his lips. They look so soft and easy to kiss, so nice to feel on my skin. Mine are chapped and faded. I’m biting them as well. Till they bleed, but let’s not talk about that. I look down at his hands, which are holding on to the arm of the chair. His Halloween tattoos. His grip tightens and I hold a hand over his hands, calming him down. The grip loosens. I face him again, catching his eyes. They are concerned, worried, he shouldn’t be worried. I am okay. Ish. I put my hand on his cheek, feeling the warmth from his face against my hand. He leans against it, closing his eyes. Relaxing. Calming down. I want to kiss him, but I can’t let myself do that to him. I will stop before we even get to make out, because of my goddamn lungs. Well, no, because of the goddamn cancer. I wish I could kill it, before it kills me, but it’s too late. I feel anger grow inside of me, boiling, actually. I feel heat run in my veins, but not in the good way. I stare at one point on the chair. Killing it with my sight.
My stomach turns, and I know what is going on. “I’ll be right back.” I choke, and pull away from Frank. I look apologizing down at him, as I rise to my feet, taking Sir William with me. He looks worried. “Are you okay?” I just nod, feeling the liquid run up and down my throat. Lyn-z and Mikey is watching me as well. I feel it coming. Now. I almost run to the bathroom, choking. I cannot breathe. I throw myself on knees in front of the toilet, puking down in it. Red liquid splashes up the walls in the toilet. Blood. I feel someone grab me from behind, as I start getting weak. I look down in the toilet, watching the red color take over the pure water, the white walls and the clean surface. The red blood eats everything up. Just like the cancer in my body. I feel my sight go blurred. I should get something to eat, I think to myself. It is probably because I haven’t ate anything yet. I turn to face the person behind me. Lyn-z. I smile weak at her. She looks concerned, maybe even scared. “I’m hungry.” I grin. As you know, I am not clear in my head after such a puke. She nods smiling happily. If I can eat just something, she’s happy. Small victories. Small happy victories.

Notes