Cancer

As I lay in Frank’s arms watching a movie, my phone starts ringing. Everybody looks at me, and I reach for my phone, walking out of the living room. I look at the caller ID, Trevor. I pick up:
Hi. This is Lou.
It’s Trevor.
Hi.
Hey. Look, I miss you. He sounds sad, like really.
I miss you too. I really miss him. Why didn’t you text me or call me? I thought you stopped caring about me. I confess, getting sad.
I never stopped caring. You are my twin remember? We’ll always be friends. I didn’t call, because I didn’t know, if you were… dead. I hear him sob. My heart falls, and shatters into a million pieces. I start crying as well.
I’m here, Trevor. Can we meet in the park? I’ll prove it to you. I am alive. I’m desperate, not dead. I’m scared that he even thinks like that.
We agree to meet up in the park and hang up. I dry my eyes, and take Gerard’s car keys. “I’ll be back in 2 hours or so, I’ll see you guys later!” I yell and run out of the back door. It’s dark outside. I sit on the driver seat and start driving down to the park.
I see a short, dark shade in the black night. I look closer and see his ugly yellow raincoat. I can’t believe, he still has it. It is so awful looking. It’s not even raining! I start walking towards the yellow. “Trevor?” I ask, as I get close. He turns around and I see his face turn from sad to happy. “Lou!” he yells and throws his arms around me. I giggle. “That’s me.” I confess hugging him again. He pulls away from me, studying my face as if he hadn’t seen me in years. “Do you want to go for a walk?” I ask him and start walking. He nods, and keeps up with me. He reaches for his pocket and pulls up a pack of cigarettes. “Want one?” he asks putting one between his lips and hands me another one. “I don’t smoke.” I say simply. He groans rolling his eyes at me. “I know?” he says in a duh tone. “You used to have a cancer stick between your lips, just because. Remember?” He smiles wry. I nod, I do remember. “Give me that!” I take it from his hands and put it in my mouth. He giggles at me. “You haven’t changed a bit.” He says as we reach the open road. I lay down, looking up at the stars. He shakes his head at me, but joins me on the open street. Nobody ever drives here. Only crazy teenagers come here, and by that I mean Trevor and I.
“Look.” I say pointing at a star, which is shining brighter than the other stars. “It’s you.” Trevor says quiet, looking at the star, with tears in his eyes. I turn my face to him. “Why would you say that?” I frown confused. He ashes his cigarette, and looks back up. He refuses to look at me. “You shine brighter than anyone else. No matter what bad comes your way, you keep holding on. You know, you’re going to die, but you still…” he stops looking at me. “Live.” I finish for him. He nods. Both of us look back up at the sky.
I pull my cancer stick out of my mouth and fumble with it in my fingers. “Why would you think I was dead?” I ask, looking at the stick. Trevor exhales sharply, and turn away from me. “After what Shane told me, and the Canadian being all nice to me, I thought you… I thought you… died.” He sniffles, wiping tears away with his sleeve. I turn around, pushing myself off the ground, helping Trevor to his feet and hug him tight. “I’m sorry.” I say as if it was my fault. He hugs again, sobbing onto my shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Louisa, you know that.” I nod, just holding him. “I’m here.” I tell him, making sure, he doesn’t forget my existence.
“Do you need a ride home?” I ask him. He nods and we walk back to Gerard’s car.
“So how are you?” He asks as we drive through the city. I scratch my neck thinking about everything. Frank, my family, my condition. “I’m okay.” I blush at the thought of Frankie. “I mean, I see Gerard and Lyn-z as my mom and dad. Bandit, their daughter, as my little sister. I’m still in chemo, but as you see.” I flick with my hair. “It’s still there.” I think about telling him about Frank. I know I can trust him. My face turns red. “And, hum, I have met someone.” My hands tighten around the steering wheel. “Who?” Trevor asks with his flirty voice. Trevor is the gayest person I know. Like: gay, Gay, GAY. “You can’t tell anyone!” I giggle like a 15-year-old fangirl. “Oh please! How old are you?” he exclaims groaning. “You can’t tell, because it’s a friend of our family. Plus he played in the same band as my dad, so please keep it to yourself!” he looks surprised at me. “Fine.” Great. Thank you Trevor! “His name is Frank. Frank Iero.” I pull over the grass area in front of Shane’s house, and Trevor gets out. “I’ll text you when I am home!” I yell and he nods. Trevor is one of those people, who makes sure others comes home safe.
I pull the door open and an angry Gerard and Lyn-z reaches me. “Where the hell have you been, young lady?” they ask me. I roll my eyes at them. “I just went to meet a friend.” I look down at my phone, pressing “send” to Trevor, telling him I am at home. I look back up again. Lyn-z crosses her arms over her chest and Gerard scratches his forehead in frustration. “For 4 hours?” Lyn-z asks sharp. “And what is that in your pocket?” Gerard exclaims pulling out my cancer stick. I mentally face palm myself. “It’s not what you think.” I say and throw my hands up in defense. Frank joins them. They all look scared at me. “Are you completely insane!?” Frank yells at me. Tears start forming in my eyes. I wasn’t smoking. I just wanted to make sure Trevor knew I was alive. I am not dead. My thoughts are drowning out their voices. I take my hands to my ears, as if it would help. My breathing gets harder. “Stop.” I beg them. Lyn-z stops, calming the others down. It’s still too much for me. I squeeze my eyes, and let the tears fall. My body falls to the ground. “Stop.” I whisper. Frank pulls my body into him. “I’m sorry.” He puts his forehead against mine. “Look at me.” He holds my hands, calming me down. I look up at him, and he dries my eyes. I watch his eyes look into mine. There’s a little brown in them. “Now, you tell us why you left and why you have a cigarette in your pocket, okay?” I nod and Frank helps me to my feet. He holds me into his body, as I start explaining. “Trevor thought I was dead, so I went to the park and met up with him. We went out to our usual spot.” I start smiling at all the memories we have made on that road. I giggle for myself. “He smokes, Trevor, but he always shares with me. Not in the way you think, though. Nah, he sticks it between my lips, but we don’t light it. It only kills if you light it.” I smile wry at my feet. They all look relieved at me, and apologizes for getting me there. I shake my head. “You care. Do not apologize for that.” I smile hugging my family. They hug me again.
“Frankie.” I whisper to the sleeping body by my side in my bed. I poke his naked, tattooed shoulder. He groans and opens his tired eyes. “Lou, it’s 3 in the morning. What do you want?” Gosh, his sleepy voice. Hot. “Can we get ice cream?” I ask him pulling the puppy eyes. He watches me, looking a bit creepy actually. I sit up in the bed showing off I have clothes on. “You’re serious?” he lifts an eyebrow at me, groaning again. “Okay, but you have to give me my clothes on then.” He smirks. Tired, little gnome. “Okay, Fishy-Frank.” I pull my tongue out at him.
I hear him grin as I pull his pants up over his knees. I look up at him with innocent eyes. “Stop it.” he says and pulls me up. “Want a face battle?” I smirk and he leans in. I kiss him, I let my tongue in his mouth and he kisses me rougher. I pull away, throwing his shirt at him. “Ice cream.” I say and get up. “Yeah, yeah ice cream.”
“What flavor do you want? Btw, we are going to McDonalds I don’t think any other store is open for 24-hours.” Frank asks as we walk down the New Jersey streets in the middle of the night. “Smarties. What about you?” I smile bright at him. “You’re a child. I’m going for DAIM.” He giggles at me, pushing me gently. I laugh at the grown man. “I’m taller than you, so stop talking, old man.” I push again. “Yeah, like what? Two inches?” he grabs me by my waist and pulls me behind a tree. “I am still stronger than you.” My breathing gets harder, but not in a bad way. “You- I-“ I breathe. I rest my arms on his shoulders and put my hands behind his head. “I’m still faster.” I say and kiss him quickly, smiling at MY guy-man. “I love you.” He says, leaning in for another kiss. “I love you too, Frank Anthony Iero.” I stroke his cheek with my fingertips. “So we’re on full name now?” he nods grinning as the kid he is. I shake my head at him. “Let’s go and get ice cream.”
“Can I show you something?” Frank suddenly asks me as we eat our ice cream. I nod, licking off one of the smarties of the spoon. “Hold this.” he demands, handing me his ice cream cup. I take it, and he lifts me up in his arms and start walking. In the meanwhile, of the walking, I start feeding him with ice cream. I look around us and see an old house. He walks into the house with me. Everything is ruined. I look up and see, there is not much of a roof, but there is still something. Frankie sits me down and walks up some latter, I follow him to the “roof.” He looks around and turns back to face me again. I look around. You can see the park from up here, a couple of streets and the forest. I look down at the roof I am standing on. I prepare myself to lay down. In my doing, I realize the stars, which reminds me of, what Trevor told me. I see the brightest star, imagining Trevor watching over me. I smile at the thought and close my eyes for a moment.
I feel Frank’s hand intertwining mine. “I used to come here, when I was a kid.” I look up at him telling. He’s watching the stars. “When I was mad and angry, sad or just wanted to be alone, I climbed up to the roof and stared at the sky. I was looking for something.” He turns to me, smiling friendly. “I was looking for some kind of happiness, or luckiness. Something good. One day, I was visiting a friend. And I found it. I found her. Life itself. You.” He hugs me tight and I hug back. I feel his body against mine. “I do not know, what to say, Frankie, other than I am so glad I have you. You make my life more colorful.”
We lay there for a couple of hours just talking about life and experiences. Frank keeps watching me, stroking my hair out of my eyes every time it falls in my face. “Can I ask you something?” He suddenly asks me with a facial expression I can’t read. He looks serious. “Of course, we can talk about anything, you know.” I smile interested in what he has to say. “Have you ever had sex?” he asks me wondering. I shake my head. No. “I am a virgin.” I wink at him. “No, serious, I haven’t had sex.” I say honest. While everybody in my class had E.D, I had chemo sessions and medications at different hospitals. He nods, as an “okay.”
“I am not going to die a virgin. Though, I don’t want to have sex anyways.” I smile and look down at my shoes, while lying next to the love of my life. I see him frowning at my words. “Nah, Iero.” I look back up at him adoring. “I want to make love to you.” He smiles back at me with the same adoring expression. “I want to make love to you too.” He blushes and leans in for a kiss.
I pull him down over my body, feeling him, his heartbeat. It goes faster, the rougher we make out. I let my tongue entrance his mouth and explore the well-known world. My heart beats faster, as he touches my skin. A moan escapes my mouth. I start taking off his shirt, but he rips it off, throwing the pieces away. I pull out for only one comment. “My animal.” He smirks biting his lip, loosely, which only turns me even more on. He kisses me again, pulling off my band shirt. I go down to his pants, feeling his already growing erection bulging against my hand. I unzip his pants and he takes them off. “Do you have a condom?” I ask him, seeing the sun come up behind him. He nods, turning away, as I pull my shorts down. He puts it on as soon as he removed his boxers. “You ready?” He turns around leaning his body over mine, resting against his arms on each side of my chest. I pull off my underwear and throw them to the side. I nod, pulling his head down to kiss me. “Are you sure?” He asks again. I nod. He puts his full-grown erection inside of me, and I let out a loud moan. He looks down apologizing, biting his lip. “Are you okay?” he strokes my hair and dry away the tear on my cheek. It hurts like a bitch. I nod. It is a sharp pain, but it disappears quickly. I look up, blushing at him. “Okay?” He smiles wry as he tries to rock a little. “Yeah.” I allow him to do it rougher. Now it feels good. I put my hands on each side of his hips and rock with him, finding our rhythm. I start moaning, and apparently, he likes it too. He moans louder, which only turns me more on. I plant my fingernails in his skin on his back, scratching all along down to his butt, while we make love. “Harder.” I moan as he kisses me meanwhile. He does as I demands and goes deeper and harder. “You’re so bad!” He moans to me.
“I-I’m coming.” He suddenly says. What am I going to do? Shall I do something special now? We continue or “rocking back and forth,” and suddenly he lets out a choked moan, stopping and pulling out of me. He turns away and cleans up himself in a piece of his ripped shirt, and throws the used condom away. He turns back to me smiling and panting. “Did you cum?” he asks me almost friendly. I look down shamefully, shaking my head, no. He lifts my chin up by his finger and kisses me on the mouth. “It’s okay. The first time. It’s totally normal. Your body doesn’t know the feeling. It’s all new. When you’ve tried it a couple of times, it will be normal for you to cum. If your partner is good enough.” He winks, stroking my cheek and lying down next to me again. I nod at his explanation. He’s probably right. He knows, what he is talking about. “However,” he says looking down at my body. “Sex isn’t the only way to “pleasure.”” He continues, putting two fingers in his mouth. “Or the only way to cum.” I let him trace his wet fingers down my breasts, over my stomach and inside of me. I let out a moan, and he starts pulling in and out of me. My moaning gets louder, and he kisses me, for keeping my voice down, I think. He found my spot, and I start to hump his hand, roughly. He smirks against my mouth. I let out a loud choked moan, and suddenly feel very exhausted. I feel a warm liquid escape from me. Frank pulls out his fingers and breaks the kiss, looking, again, friendly at me. I lay down my head, still looking at Frank. I can’t stop smiling. I probably look so dumb. This was my first time. I just made love to the love of my life. The only man, my best friend. I couldn’t be happier. “I am in love with you, Frank Iero.” I say and stroke his cheek. He leans down, lying beside me. “I fell in love with you long time ago, Louisa.” He kisses my hand and pulls me into his body. Soon we fall asleep.
Dear Friend
Luckily, Frank and I got back in time before my family woke up. I can’t think of anything else but the moments me and Frank shared on the rooftop of the old house. I keep smiling like an idiot, and I feel like something has changed in me. I can’t explain it, but you’ll understand it, when you have your first time. Frank IS the love of my life, and I don’t want to let go. I love him, my friend.
You see, I thought, I was already dead on the inside, but Frank. When I met Frank, that’s when everything inside of me woke up, realizing I am still alive. I don’t know, if you’ll understand it, but that is how I feel. Frank is my life. My power for my battery.
Charlie called me, and told me his son was okay, and he could now communicate with him, using words. I’m so happy for him and his family. They really deserves the best. Charlie told me, I should meet his son some day, I’ll do his son good. Why does everybody think I am ‘Oh so amazing?’ I don’t get it. I am just… me?

Notes