Apparently, I fell asleep with my head lying in Frank’s lap, while we were watching a movie. I’m half-awake, still not moving. I hear the grown-ups walking around fumbling with stuff I don’t know what is. I feel a person sitting down in front of my sight. I feel Lyn-z’s smooth hand stroking my hand. “She’s adorable, when she sleeps.” Frank giggles above me. I sense his laugh vibrating in my head. I open my eyes half and see Lyn-z’s beautiful face. “Sweetie? You have to wake up, you need to go home to Shane.” She says quiet, just to let me wake up. I frown as I think about the grumpy Canadian at Shane’s place. I hate thinking like this, but it’s too risky. He makes me mad, and we all know what my rage does. What if I am alone with him, and I get all furious and there’s nobody else there to stop me? Yes, I am afraid to get upset. My temper can kill. And. I like staying at Gerard and Lyn-z’s. I don’t want to leave.
“I don’t want to go back.” I choke out. Am I crying? Yep, I definitely am. I sob, and snuggle further into Frank. “I don’t want to back.” I whisper, squeezing my eyes. Tears stream down my face. I let them fall.
Lyn-z strokes my tears away. “Why are you crying?” She asks worried, stroking my cheek. “I don’t want to go back.” I repeat again. “Do you want to stay here?” She asks calmly. I nod as I open my blank eyes and look up at her. “I just need my computer, Destiny and my oxygen mask at Shane’s.” my eyes shot up and I struggle to get up. Gerard nods at Lyn-z. “I’ll take you, we’ll pick up your stuff and then you can stay here for the night.” I rise to my feet and look down at the awkward sat, Frank. “You’re a nice pillow.” I smirk at him with my wet eyes. He rolls his eyes and throws a pillow after me. “Bandit said the exact same thing to me. I am not fat. Now get out of here!” I laugh at him missing the shot. “Whatever you say, grandpa!” I wink at him. Lyn-z giggles at us. “Told you, you were going to be great friends! You’re already like an old married couple!” My eyes grow big at her comment. “He’s a little too old for me. Haven’t you seen his grey hair?” I joke devilish. His jaw falls to the floor. “And she’s a brat.” He exclaims, pointing fingers at me. I put on my shoes and my jacket. Before Gerard and I leave, I turn around and wave at Frank and Lyn-z. “Welcome to kinder garden, Frankie.”
“Frankie?” Gerard exclaims as we get out in the car. I sit in the front passenger seat and buckle my seat belt in. I smirk at the nickname. “Yeah?” I look up at the grown-up next to me. He starts driving to Shane’s as he laughs at my word-choices.
Gerard parks in the garage to Shane’s house. I feel all sweaty and… scared? Am I nervous because of a Canadian with bad behavior? Wow. Never happened before. “Hum.” I turn to Gerard, looking down, then out of the window, and then back at him again. “I.-Do you want to.- I don’t know.-“ I stutter. He interrupts me by opening the door and getting out. “Come with you? Yeah, sure.” He smiles calmly. I get out of the car and we walk inside. I tell Gerard to stay there, while I go upstairs and get my stuff. I see the grumpy Canadian sitting in the living room, before I head up. He doesn’t notice me. Great, if I don’t have to deal with him today, then so be it! I get into Trevor’s room, he’s not here. I look at a paper on the desk: At a friend’s house, sorry Lou – The twin. It’s written with a yellow pen. Why is it always yellow? I shake my head and reach for my oxygen mask + the bottle. Charlie has given me a bottle of oxygen to connect to the mask. Yes, I am doing better. Feel my irony! I put them in a new bigger bag with my computer and take Destiny under my arm. I pack some nightclothes as well, and my toothbrush and my hairbrush. Downstairs I see Gerard talking to Shane. They both look happy. “I’m just glad, she has you and your wife.” Shane says smiling. He actually is happy for me.
I hear a fake cough behind me, as I fumble with my stuff in my bag. I turn to see Matt. I roll my eyes at him. “What do you want?” I ask, irritated. “I want to shove you, but that would be animal abuse.” He smirks devilish at me. I scoff at him. Now he threats me? Great. “Why don’t you just do it?” I challenge him. Just to see how badass he really is. “I don’t hit or shove retarded people.” he winks at me, and laughs dumb. “I’m not a handicapped person!” I choke out. Fuck it’s starting. My breath gets deeper, and hoarse. “Yes you are. You don’t have a job.” He scoffs. “You don’t have school. What do you even do? Oh, yeah, you write. About how shitty your life is!” He’s pushing it too far. My head feels fuzzy.
“Please, stop.” I say sweating all over my body. My body is shaking. He starts pushing me, not hard, but enough to knock me to the staircase. I start coughing bad again. “Matt, stop.” I feel myself cry. Shane and Gerard react on my coughing. Gerard rushes over and pushes Matt away. Shane grips me and holds me tight, telling me to calm down, but I can’t. I feel it in my throat. It’s burning, and it’s coming. I push Shane away and make it to the toilet. Loudly I cough up blood. Gerard rushes out to me, holding my hair. “Baby, I’m here.” he’s sad. As soon as I am done, I turn my head to face him. I’m calm again, but my throat is hurting, very bad. So is my lungs. I see blood drooling from my mouth and down on my clothes. “It. Hurts.” I growl with my hoarse voice. I don’t sound like myself anymore. Gerard pulls me into him, still sitting on the floor in the bathroom. I hear Shane freaking out on Matt in the distance, but I can’t hear Matt. Then it comes: “She has fucking cancer, dude! She is going to die it’s only a matter of time!” I hear the footsteps from both of them. Their gasps as they see, what a mess I’ve made. I’m crying again, but I don’t have the strength to wipe the tears away. “I. Want to. Go. Home.” I whisper to Gerard, who’s holding me. He nods, and carries me up in his arms. Shane takes a paper towel and wipes off the drooling blood of my chin. Gerard stops up and looks at Matt. He sends him a mad look. Matt feels awful, I can see that. I do not care, though. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

“Shane.” Gerard starts, as Shane takes my bag and we go out to the vehicle together. Gerard places me in the front passenger seat and buckle my belt in. He closes my door, and reaches Shane behind the car.
“Look, I do not think, Lou living here is such a good idea anymore. I am going to bring her home with us, and she is going to stay. I’ll come and pick up her stuff tomorrow. I’m sorry, but I only want what is best for her.” Gerard says formally. I am so glad I have him. I just didn’t want it to be like this. I don’t want to be like this.
I see Shane walk inside the house again. He’s crying. I don’t feel anything more than pain in my throat and my burning lungs. Gerard gets in the car, sitting in the driver seat next to me. He looks at me, but I don’t have the strength to turn my head. I look at him through the corner of my eye. He’s crying as well. I don’t like that. He shouldn’t be crying. I don’t want him to cry. I don’t even want to think about, what he’s going to tell Lyn-z when we get home. She will be devastated, when she hears. If I just didn’t get mad that easy. If Matt just would leave me alone. If I just wasn’t dying. Everything would have been happy. However, here we are. I feel Pain raging under my skin. I think, he’s happy because of all the attention he’s got today.
I feel Gerard take my hand and squeeze it light. “You feel it, right?” he asks, referring to his hand squeeze, trying to sound normal, but lacks a bit. I collect all my strength to open my mouth and get sound out. “Yes.” My voice is fucked. It cracked. Most of all, I sound like an old man who has smoked cigarettes throughout his whole life. Gerard dries his eyes. “Can you move? Just a finger?” I pull myself together, as much as possible. I really try, but nothing seems to work. I look at my hand, and expect it to move, but nothing happens. I close my eyes as I let Pain take over. “Lou, stay awake.” Gerard says desperate and starts driving. I open my eyes again. “Home.” I whisper, looking at him with no facial expression at all. I just want to go home. He nods and drives the usual way to the place I call my home.
He parks the car and lets out a frustrated sigh. My sight falls. It’s my fault, I busted into his life just to leave it. “I’m. Sorry.” I apologize to him with my fucked rusty voice. He shuts up at me, looking shocked. “No, sweetheart.” He pulls my lifeless body into his chest. I feel his heartbeat. It’s beating so fast, I’m worried. “Do not apologize. This is not your fault. I love you, Louisa. You’re like a daughter to me, do not forget that.” He whispers in my ear. I try to hug him again, but the only thing happening is my fingertips moving. I exhale sharp, like a cheering. He noticed my fingers as well. He pulls away and sits me back in the seat, smiling. “I believe in you.” I feel a tear run down my cheek. I’m touched. The last person who told me that, was my mom. We were at baseball practice. I was the catcher. I was mad because I couldn’t catch the ball. So, before a game, she told me, I should imagine the ball as a cookie. It was difficult and I thought it was stupid, but I did as she told me, and I caught the ball. We won that game. It doesn’t matter that she isn’t my real mom. She was real to me. Family isn’t about blood. It’s about who stands by your side. Who’s watching out for you. Who loves you, no matter what. Gerard and Lyn-z love me. No matter what. I know that. They are like, my new parents.
I fight to turn my head. It works. I fight against the pain inside of me. My head fall to the side, facing Gerard. A painful smile grows on my face. Gerard smiles with me. He hands out, ready to catch me. “Thank. You. Dad.” I close my eyes and let the pain take over me.
I feel him lift my lifeless body. I am not “gone.” But I am not “there,” either. “Frank!” he calls at Frankie, as soon as he gets inside the house. I feel a new pair of arms holding me. “What-“ Frank asks confused. I hear Lyn-z gasp. She must have laid eyes on me. Gerard runs out to get my… bag. I feel myself go down on a soft body-length thing. Must be the sofa. I fight to open my eyes, but it doesn’t work. Frank removes his arms from me, but takes my hands to comfort me. Lyn-z stroking my cheeks with… Paper towels? I guess I still have some bloodstains in my face then. She removes the touch of the paper towels and somebody else places my oxygen mask on my mouth. My breathing gets easier and my head doesn’t seem so fuzzy anymore. I take a deep breath and everybody sighs in relief. “Mind telling, what’s going on?” Lyn-z and Frank agreed and Gerard told them everything about what happened to me.
Suddenly my eyes shut open. I am okay. I move my fingers. They seem normal again. I try to move my toes, while looking down at them. Nothing. Nothing happens.
I’m still in a lot of pain, and I don’t think, it’s ever going to stop. I just need to live with it. I grin for myself, in my mind. “Live with it?” I’m going to die very soon. There’s not much of living for me to do.
I see the ceiling above me. I stare at it for a while, listening to Gerard telling them the story. I hear the smile in his voice, when he tells them I called him ‘Dad.’
“She has cancer?” Frank exclaims shocked. “Yeah. It. Sucks.” I say with smile playing on my lips. My voice is still as fucked as before. It still hurts like a bitch. I guess that’s what I am going to sound like “forever.” They all turn to me. I look away from them again. I am NOT okay. I should’ve died for a very long time since. However. I. Am. Still. Here!
I should have died that night, not my foster parents.
Or the night in the park.
Or the day with Shane.
Why am I still here? I do not want this. I don’t want to have cancer. I just want to have a normal life. With normal illnesses. Having a cold or a flu without DYING. I stare at the television with a stern look. All those amazing celebrities and their perfect lives. I don’t want a perfect life, though. I just want to be a normal kid. Who goes to school and has a spare time job, goes to parties. Meets the love of their lives. My sight falls. Grows up. My eyes start watering. Gets married. A tear stream down my face. Has kids. I sob. Grows old, and die together. I close my eyes and let it hit me like a breezeblock.

“Come here.” Frank says calming and wraps his round arms around me, holding me tight. My fingers squeezes him again. Gerard smiles from behind of Frank. “You can move.” he cheers slightly. A smile grows on my face. Yeah, a little. “I am kind of amazing, huh?” I smirk. At first, they seem a bit scared by my demon-hoarse-voice, but I assume, they will get used to it. They shrugged it off and giggled at my statement.

Notes