I Never Felt More Alone Than When I Fell

“Hey, my name is Gerard and, like, I just wanted to know if you wanted to go see a movie with me?” I asked my junior. He raised his brow at me, frozen in the process of putting one of his books in his locker.

“Like a date?” he asked, his voice oddly deeper than I expected for his height. I nodded my head.

“Look,” he cleared his throat. “I’m extremely flattered and everything, but I’m not gay.” Oh. I never even thought about the fact that he may not even be into guys. I guess I was silent for too long because he started to speak again.

“I’m really sorry, um, Gerard, was it?” I nodded. He put his hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t seem to feel it. “I know this probably took a lot of courage to do, because you didn’t know me. You were taking a chance, and I really respect that, but I just don’t have those feelings towards guys.” I shook myself out of my trance and smiled at him, removing his hand from me. He gave me a questioning look.

“That was nothing personal, man. I just don’t people touching me in any way. It’s not you, don’t worry,” I laughed softly. The smile returned to his face and he nodded. “Anyways, it’s all right. Well, I kind of already bought tickets to the movie, so do you wanna just come as my friend instead?” I asked. He raised his brow.

“You won’t get the wrong idea?” He asked. I rolled my eyes, smiling.

“Nope,” I clarified. “Besides, if I happen to see a cute guy, you can be my wingman.” I winked.

“Moving on so fast?” He teased, a smile playing on his lips.

“I like to play the odds,” I giggled. “No, I’m just kidding. I’m not an asshole. I still like you, yeah, but now that I know you’re not gay and I don’t have a chance, I’d like to just be friends.”

“All right, yeah. What time?” He asked, finally shutting his locker door.

“Tonight at eight. It’s actually a special at the theater. They’re bringing back a movie I thought you’d like,” I said, pulling the ticket out and handing it to him. As soon as he saw the name of the movie, his eyes lit up.

“Dawn of the Dead?!” He exclaimed, looking back up at me before raising his brow once again. “Wait. How did you know what I’d like?” He asked.

“Well, we sit next to each other in, like, four classes. You have a loud voice, no offense, and I heard you talking about it the other day and mentioned that you wanted to see it but didn’t have the money. So I just thought I’d take a chance,” I explained, shrugging.

“Wow, that’s, like, really nice, Gerard!” He exclaimed, giving me a quick hug. I stiffened and removed his arms from around me, giving him a sheepish smile. “Oh, right. I’m so sorry! I’m just naturally a touchy feely person and it slipped my mind.”

“That’s all right. Well, I can pick you up later, yeah?” I asked.

“Sure. Let me get your number and I’ll text you the address!” I smiled at his excitement and then gave him my phone. His put his number in mine and then called himself before handing it back to me. “Thanks again, Gerard! I’ll see you later tonight!” Then he went off to his last class and I went off to mine.

*

That night, I debated on getting dressed up nice or not even taking a shower tonight and just going, but I decided on dressing decent. I took a shower and slicked my hair back and giving it a kind of messy look. I put on my best jeans and, believe it or not, they were not skinny jeans, and put on a white shirt with a flannel over it. It was comfortable and I thought I looked nice so who cares if Frank doesn’t like it? I had no chance with him, may as well kind of show him what he’s missing, but whatever. I pull up to Frank’s house at around 7:30, nervous and decide to pull out my pack of cigarettes. I only smoke when I’m feeling self-destructive, which is a perfect example of my situation. I still very much like Frank and I’m going out with him but not even as a date. I get to see him outside of school and see how differently he acts and I can’t even call it romantic.

I light my cigarette and put it my lips, inhaling my destruction. It oddly makes me feel relaxed. I stand there for a little bit, just staring out into the setting sun and counting the cars passing by this house located on a back road (there have only been five). I lean against my car and lay my head back and stare at the sky now that I know it won’t burn my eyes out of its sockets and stay like that for a while.

“You smoke?” I hear a voice say to my right. Thankfully I’m so relaxed right now that coming face to face with a gun wouldn’t even make me flinch and run away.

“Hey, Frank. What’s up?” I say, pulling the cigarette from my lips, dropping it to the street and stepping on it.

“I was just walking by my living room window and wondering why you were just standing here. Have you been here long?” He asked. I pulled out my phone and glanced at the time.

“About twenty minutes,” I say, putting it back up. His eyes widened.

“Why didn’t you call me?” He asked. I shrugged.

“I wanted to smoke a little so I got here early and then I kind of just started spacing out,” I laughed softly. I stood straight up and turned my body fully towards him. “Well, are you ready to go? If we get there early enough, we can get our snacks and pick the best seats before some other fuckers get it.”

“Yeah, let me just go grab my jacket,” He said as he runs off. Before my mind has time to process the look he gives me and allow me to give feedback on it, he’s already walking up to his house.

Yeah, this kid definitely just checked me out, I chuckle to myself and head over to the other side of my car and open the door, waiting for him to come back. If I try hard enough, but not look like it, maybe he’ll have different thoughts about guys, about me, at the end of the night. He comes back out and gives me a smile as he sees me holding the door open.

“Are you sure this isn’t a date?” He asks. I stick my tongue out at him.

“What people have you been going out with that don’t hold the door open for you? It’s, like, common curtesy,” I say.

“I haven’t gone out with anyone,” He answers as he buckles in. I close the door and make my way to the other side, getting in and strapping myself in.

“Not even one person?” I ask as I start the car.

“Nope. I haven’t found anyone interesting yet,” he explains. I nod my head in acknowledgement.

“Well, maybe you’ll see someone nice at the theater. Let me know, I’ll help you out.” I check both ways before pulling off from the curb and I head to the theater in the next couple of towns over. We drive in silence for a while before he clears his throat.

“I thought you liked me?”

“Well, yeah,” I mumble, taking a glance over at him. He looks really small in the passenger seat of my car and it makes me feel kind of melancholic. He and I will probably never speak again after this other than simple waves or small hello’s in the hallway until I graduate next month.

“But you’re willing to help me get someone?” He asks. I’ve been noticing that he hasn’t once mentioned his interests being a girl. He’s been saying ‘person’ or ‘someone,’ but never really clarifying it. I shrug my shoulders to my thoughts, deciding not to pry, and to his question.

“Look, if you think that person is going to make you happy, then why would I get in the way of that? Not only is unfair to you and said person, but it’s disrespectful. I respect your preferences and your happiness, Frank. Life’s way too fucking short to let opportunities pass and fly out the window,” I elaborate. This kid still has another year of hell left in high school, he should be happy doing it and not be a miserable fuck like me or even spend it with a miserable fuck with me.

“Wow, that’s really nice, man. How are you single?” He asks and that catches me off guard. I shrug my shoulders.

“People aren’t really too thrilled about the whole ‘no touching’ thing I have going on, but it’s not exactly my fault.”

“That’s really fucking rude of people, Gerard. If you don’t like being touched, they should respect that. Relationship aren’t always physical. It’s about emotions. For example, say you and I were dating, right?” I nod. “Okay, and you didn’t want me to even hold your hand or anything or put my arms around your shoulders, or whatever the fuck, I would respect that, because you would know that I still loved you and I would know you still loved me. It wouldn’t bother me in the least,” he explains. I sigh.

“They all say that, Frank. My last two boyfriends were like that the first few months of our relationship, but then they started getting… frustrated and things didn’t go well after that. Either they cheated or I broke up with them because they-” I cut myself off. This isn’t the type of stuff you spill in your first conversation with a new possible friend that you like. “Never mind.”

“Gerard, did they-?” I shook my head.

“It isn’t important right now, Frank. It’s not a friendship starter,” I say.

“I don’t give a shit, Gerard. That’s fucked up if they did what I think they did to you. You’re way too fucking nice for that shit to happen,” he says, his voice rising a little. I sigh.

“Fine. What do you want to know?” I asked. I fucking dug my own grave.

“Did they… force themselves on you?” He asks, hesitantly. I nod my head, not wanting to speak it out loud. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

“I guess you can say I have bad taste in men, whatever,” I try to play off.

“Gerard, it’s not your fault, you know. I don’t know why you don’t like to be touched, but I’m sure those guys didn’t do anything but worsen it.” I never told anyone the actual reason behind why I didn’t like to get touched, but I felt like I could tell Frank. Maybe it was because I didn’t know him or maybe it was because he was the first person to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. Sure, I hadn’t even told anyone about what my exes did, but those guys had told me that it was fault because I was such a tease. Because I knew what those jeans I wore did to them and I still continued wearing them. Well, what the fuck did it matter? Those were the kinds of jeans I liked, I’m sorry they showed off my ass. They were comfortable. That’s all I cared about.

“When I was a kid, my… uh, there was this family friend of ours who used to come over to our house and my parents trusted him and everything, even with taking care of me. So they would sometimes ask him to babysit me while they went out and did something together or whatever,” I explain, my hands tightening around the steering wheel.

“Gerard, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I didn’t mean to pressure you,” Frank said. I shook my head.

“I need to get it out. It’s been tearing me up for fourteen years,” I confess, taking a deep breath. I see him nod from the corner of my eye. “Well, I used to really enjoy his company. He would put on movies and we would make pizza and he treated me like I was an equal and not some stupid five-year-old. I actually thought we were friends,” I laughed. “Then, one night, as he’s putting me into bed, he, um, h-he…” I take another deep breath shakily and run my hands through my gel-filled hair. “He put his hands down my pajama pants and touched me. I was confused. I didn’t know what was happening. But I felt like it wasn’t right. I didn’t want that to be happening. I told him to stop, but he just put his hand over my mouth and kept going. I cried whenever I finished. I felt dirty and tainted and I felt like I couldn’t let anyone touch me for the fear of tainting them.” I blink rapidly to prevent the tears that had gathered up in my eyes from falling. Thankfully, they complied with my begging.

“You didn’t tell your parents?” Frank quietly asked after a few moments.

“They told me that it was just because he was giving me a shower. When I told them that it happened in my bed, they said he was just helping me dress and that it just happened to happen. I never mentioned it to them again, or anyone else. They’d never believe me if my own parents didn’t.” It was something I still blamed them for. Had they believed me, maybe I wouldn’t be so damaged and willing to take any type of pain forced upon me. I didn’t hate my parents; I just couldn’t forgive them for not trusting in me even though I were still young.

“So what happened after that? Like, did he ever do it again?” He asked. I nodded my head, trying to prevent my own mind from returning to the memories by blinking more.

“Sure, for the next three years until we moved here. He never actually had sex with me. The furthest he got was his fingers and by then, I was just lying there and taking it. There was no use in fighting because there was nowhere for me to run, there was no way for me to run, and there was no one who would’ve believed me,” I said. He was silent for a while, causing me to look over at him. He was crying. He was biting on his bottom lip as if to prevent himself from sobbing.

“Don’t cry, Frank. It’s been over since I was nine.”

“That doesn’t matter!” He yelled. “This fucking sicko still affects your relationships with people and it doesn’t help that they do the exact same shit he did, even more! How can you possibly be okay with this, Gerard?” He cried. I pulled the car over to the side of the road and put my emergency lights on.

“Frank, calm down. Look, I’m here now, aren’t I? I survived. Honestly, I could’ve ended up a lot worse. There are other kids who never got away and that’s why I’m thankful that we moved across the fucking country for my dad’s job. It was the greatest thing that happened to me. Sure, I’ve had terrible luck in the men I’ve gone for but you’re the first guy I tried going for on my own and look, you’re crying for me. I’d say my tastes have gone better, so cheer up, all right?” He looked up at me with his tear filled eyes and red face and stared at me. After some debate with myself, I reached my hand over and awkwardly put it on his shoulder, squeezing it in what I hoped was a comforting way.

“What are you doing? Don’t force yourself to touch me,” he says, scooting away from my hand and letting it fall. I frowned slightly.

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable when I touch you,” I confess. Whenever I imagined this happening to me, it went this way exactly. Nothing spectacular other than the weight off of my shoulder and I was content with that. Frank was a special guy. He didn’t judge me, he respected my hate of touching people and vice versa, and he didn’t push me away after I asked him out. He was going to be a great friend to me. Even after graduation, which was something you rarely found. You only leave high school with a handful of the friends you started with, if you’re lucky. Things change and people change and there was nothing wrong with drifting away from people because it happens. It hurts sometimes, but it was meant to happen. Eventually, we all drift apart, but there are people who will make the effort to stay in your life and they are the people worth your time and effort. They’re the ones who would do anything for you because they love you, and those types of people are hard to come across in life, let alone high school.

He doesn’t speak for a while, just watches me. I sigh and turn off my emergency lights, pulling back onto the road before we’re late and don’t get to pick our spots. The special was set for 8:45, just when the sun was going down and it was meant to be perfect, but I just spilled my history to this guy and made him feel sad for me. I hate what I was doing.

“Frank?” I asked just as we enter the town that held the theater.

“Yeah?” He response.

“What do you want to do with your life? You know, after high school?” I asked, hoping to make the air around us lighter. I glanced over and noticed how bright his eyes went, causing me to smile softly to myself.

“I wanna be in a band!” he exclaimed, turning his body to face me more.

“Oh, yeah? What do you play?” I ask, turning into the parking lot of the theater.

“I play the guitar. I’m all right, just working on getting better,” he explained as I parked. I nodded my head thoughtfully as we got out of the car.

“You ever play a live show around here?” I asked, hoping for him to get more excited.

“No, not yet, but I’ve been to quite a few of them!” I looked over at him as we were walking to the front and smiled.

“That’s great, Frank. I’m pretty sure you can do it. I have a friend who plays a couple of shows every month, maybe I can introduce you two. I think you’d get along great,” I said. Ray was two years older than me and the best guitarist I knew and would probably ever know. I met him his senior year of high school when he moved here and we hit it off instantly. He introduced me to that type of night life by taking me to these live shows and buying me beer so I could calm my anxiety down. I was terrified of crowds, but I was fine if I was intoxicated. Sure, I was 16 at the time, but whatever, I don’t drink much anymore.

“You’d do that for me? Really?!” He asked, tugging roughly on my arm in excitement, and you know, I didn’t feel uncomfortable, not in the least. I chuckled at his behavior, nodding.

“Yeah, of course.” He thanked me over and over and over until we finally made it inside and I asked him to shut up so he could tell me what he wanted from the counter.

“Uhh,” he trailed off, looking at all of the candies. “Medium popcorn, small Pepsi or Coke, whatever they have. I don’t give a fuck. Uhhh, oh! And a Nerds Rope, and some Milk Duds!” I ordered a small popcorn, a medium popcorn, two small drinks (one Coke, one orange juice), and his candy. Hopefully I still had enough to take him to the record store down the road. I enjoyed it because it stayed open past midnight and it was normally empty at night, making its air perfect. Sure, this wasn’t a date, but I could be a fun night instead. I was okay with that now. I paid for everything, which Frank didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he just grabbed our things and went to the assigned theater. I laughed because I expected him to do that. I didn’t think him rude for not offering to pay, in fact, I loved it. I felt a little more in control of this friendship, even if that feeling confused me. I followed behind him in the theater, putting the change into my wallet.

“Hey, we’re the first ones here, Gerard, let’s look for our seats! I’m so fucking excited for Dawn of Dead on the big screen!” He practically squealed.

“You know,” I started as we made our way to the very top row, “they’re having another special here next weekend. Can you guess what it is? I’m very excited about it,” I asked. We made our way to the end of the row. He gave me a weird look when I passed the middle of the row.

“Why are we sitting on this side?” He asked, ignoring my question of asking him to guess.

“Okay, look, sit in this seat right here,” I say, and he follows my instructions before giving me a shrug of his shoulders. I sigh.

“If you sit in the middle, you have to look both ways to catch everything on the screen at that time, but if you sit on an edge, you can capture of all of it at once, because your body will naturally turn to the middle of the screen. You’ll see what I’m talking about when I say that’s the best seat in the house when the previews start,” I explain. When I take his facial expression into consideration, he’s smiling at me and I find it more endearing than anything right now.

“What?” I ask. He shakes his head, still smiling.

“No, nothing. You’re just, well, adorable,” he giggles. I pick up a popped kernel from the bag he’s carrying and toss it at him.

“I know,” I wink, causing him to burst into a small fit of laughter. “Okay! Now you have to guess the next special,” I say as I take the seat next to him, grabbing my orange juice from him, and taking a drink. I watching him closer than I probably should as he thinks of a guess.

“Is it a horror?” He asks. I shrug.

“Well, if you think there’s a deeper meaning behind the movie, then sure, but it’s actually a classic. My favorite and I’m so fucking excited for it!” I squealed. “I’d been recommending this movie to the theater for about six months now and they’re finally going to do it!”

“I’d never be able to guess that, man. Tell me,” he said, giving my shoulder a nudge with his. I wasn’t uncomfortable with that either.

“The Wizard of Oz!” I exclaimed excitedly, giving him probably the stupidest fucking smile I owned. He started cracking up, making some popcorn fall on the floor in between his feet.

“What?” I ask sternly. I was starting to become offended. He waved on of his hands dismissively.

“No, no, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just, wow, man, you’re too much. I love it,” he says, looking me in the eye. If he was gay, this would have clearly been a sign, but no, because he’s not and I thought I was accepting that. Instead of responding to that, I just take a few gulps of my juice and smile at him through the straw.

“You and your juice. You’re such a kid.” I scoff at his words.

“You don’t even know, Frank. If they had a sippy cup option, I would’ve taken that with no fucking hesitation,” I say just as the lights starts dimming and more people start walking in. The first is a group of younger kids laughing loudly, and then a couple behind them too engrossed with one another, after them is just a few people walking in alone. I was too busy observing the other people that I didn’t realize Frank was laughing so hard he was crying.

“You’re so great, man! You’re so laidback; you just don’t care,” he laughed. I shrugged my shoulder, a sheepish smile on my face.

“Whatever, eat your candy,” I whined as I grabbed a handful of popcorn and stuffed it in my mouth, trying to hide my smile. He snorted, which I found cute, and continued to eat the popcorn with me. The previews weren’t exactly of new movies, but rather of other horror zombie movies and I was cool with that.

“Thanks for bringing me here, Gerard. I really wanted to come. I was dropping a shit ton of hints to my friends, but in the end, my classmate was the one who bought me a ticket and took me,” he said, never once looking away from me.

“You know, Frank, if you keep giving me all of these mixed signals, I may just have to kiss you,” I wink at him. I don’t miss the faint red spread across his cheeks even through the dim light.

“Maybe I want you to,” he whispers, leaning in closer to me. I pull away slightly.

“You’re not gay, Frank,” I say back to him, as if trying to convince both of us. He shrugs his shoulders.

“I’m well aware of that, but you’re so… pretty. Like, I want to be as close to you as possible and I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with that,” he tries to explain. I shake my head at him.

“I can’t take a chance that you’re going to regret it. That you’re going to regret me,” I mumble loud enough for him to hear. We stay silent after that and I was fine with it. Soon enough, the movie starts and I lean back into my seat, getting comfortable. I look over at Frank and he’s practically bouncing in his seat, making me smile.

“Thanks for bringing me here, Gerard,” Frank whispers in my ear after a while. I turn back to him to give him a smile in return but I suddenly forget what I’m doing. Frank kissed my cheek, giggling softly, and it didn’t make me uncomfortable. I gave him a hesitant smile, not sure what he was planning to do. He stared back at me and glanced at my lips before returning his gaze to me eyes.

“Frank-” I started, but was cut off when he opened his mouth to speak.

“I want to kiss you,” he whispered. I nodded. I watched as his face moved closer and his eyes slowly closed. His hands, I felt, came up to my cheek and the back of my neck, pulling me closer and holding me there. He hesitated for only a bit before slowly pushing his lips against mine. It wasn’t exactly fireworks or the feeling of a new beginning, but it felt content. It felt like I could kiss him for years and years and years and never grow tired. It felt as though I could wake up early enough to watch the sunrise peer into our room and shine across his face just to admire another side of his beauty. It wasn’t love. Not yet. But it could be, and I think I was willing to take a chance.

I didn’t kiss him back until he gave a slight whine.

“Kiss me, Gerard. Please,” he whispered against my lips. I wrapped my arms around his waist, or as far as I could reach, and pulled him closer against me, smashing my lips against his as much as I could. He gave a low moan in his throat and, with that, I pulled away, giving him a shy smile.

“Wow,” he breathed, his cheeks redder than I’d ever seen. “That was so pretty, and this definitely the best seat in the house.” I chuckled softly and took a glance at the screen. We stayed silent for a few moments before he spoke again.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” He asked. I snapped my head towards him, feeling almost betrayed. I trusted him.

“Frank, I told you that I don’t-” I started, but stopped when I noticed the shock on his face.

“No, no, Gerard, no. I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to go walking around with you, you know? Like, I love this movie, but I’m not even watching it,” he admitted shyly. I took his hand and stood up. We grabbed our trash and walked down the stairs and out the back exit, his hand in mind securely.

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” Frank asked me as soon as the cooler night air hit our faces.

“No. I assure you that if I ever feel uncomfortable with whatever you’re doing, I’ll let you know,” I said, giving him a soft smile.

“You’re damaged, Gerard,” he said, pausing briefly. “But so am I.”

“Damaged people aren’t the best, but they aren’t the worst either. We have a purpose, too,” I said thoughtfully. If there was something I did after what happened to me as a little boy, it was think about my purpose in this world. I felt so disgusted and tainted and like I couldn’t let my filth taint the world. As a ten-year old boy, this was what I thought. It was a sad truth in this world; there are younger people than me who, at the time, had thought the same. I still count myself lucky that I survived, that I’m here now, that I can hold someone’s hand without feeling like I was tainting them. That they knew and still let me touch them.

I don’t exactly know where I’m going with my life, but I’m on my way.

“I like the things you say. You have a way with words. Did you know that?” He asked. I shrugged.

“It never occurred to me,” I replied honestly.

“You do,” he spoke. “I think you could maybe write songs or poetry.” Hm. I’d never thought about that. Sure, I’d written some songs here and there, but I never thought they were any good. I didn’t want to show anybody. I didn’t want them to question my thoughts.

“I, uh, I’ve written a few songs before, but I never thought much about it,” I admitted.

“Wow, seriously?!” Frank exclaimed, stopping in his tracks and peering over at me. I looked up to the sky and caught the sight of a few stars. I wish this city wasn’t so lit up so I could see the stars better.

“Yeah. I’ve never shown or even told anyone about them. Not even Mikey,” I said. My brother didn’t know about anything that happened to me either and I wanted to keep it like that. I didn’t want him to know that it could actually happen to anyone, that any normal looking person could do something so terrible so someone so small and innocent. But maybe he should know that. Maybe it would be better for him.

“Your brother? The freshman, right?” Frank asked. I kept my gaze on a certain star, brighter than the rest of them as I nodded my head and hummed an agreement.

“He’s cool. Great taste in music,” Frank mumbled.

“He’s a great kid. I just hate that I have to leave him so soon after I graduate.” We start walking again and head towards my vehicle.

“What do you mean?” He asked as we got inside.

“I’ve been saving up money to move out right after I graduated, so that’s my plan.”

“Oh. Where are you planning on moving?” He asked as we buckled in. I had planned to take him to the record store, but maybe we can come back. For now, I think some quiet time in a field far away from anyone will do us good. I started the car and pulled off from the parking lot.

“I was thinking Maine or Canada even. I don’t know, just away,” I said quietly. Frank was silent for a moment.

“Graduation is in, like, two weeks. Will I see you again?” Frank asked. I tilted my head to the side slightly.

“Until I go off, of course you will. After that, I’m afraid it may become rather difficult,” I explain. I drive and drive until we reach nothing but fields. That was one of the only good things about coming from a small town, there were trees everywhere and I found that relaxing. While driving and getting lost in my thoughts, I jumped when Frank suddenly slid his hand into mine and held it tightly.

“Sorry. Is this too much?” He asks me shyly. I smile over at him and shake my head.

“No, it’s all right. By the way, do you remember what direction we came from?” I asked, my smile growing bigger. I raised his brow.

“No?” He said. I began to laugh, not caring how crazy I looked. “Are you planning on killing me out here?” He asked jokingly, but a part of it held some actual terror.

“No. I just wasn’t paying attention. Looks like we’re lost,” I laughed, squeezing his hand in what I hoped was comforting.

“How is that funny?” He asks, almost sounding angry. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Sometimes getting lost is a good thing,” I say absentmindedly. Many times I tried to get lost, but I never could. Somehow, with Frank in the car next to me, I was finally able to do that. I pulled up into a clear space surrounded by nothing but trees with only the light from the moon to see our surroundings. MI shut off the car, but turned the key back to get the radio on. I switched it to my favorite station, which played oldies and turned it very loud before getting out of the car, Frank immediately following my actions. I sat on the hood of the car and patted the spot next to me.

“Hey, so, this is a date now, right?” He asked as he took the spot next to me. We seemed to have the same idea and leaned back at the same time to lay down and stare up at the sky.

“If you’d like it to be, then yeah. If not, then I never said that.” Frank giggled and grabbed my hand again.

“No, it totally is. I just wish we’d met sooner so I’d have had more time with you,” he mumbled sadly. I sighed softly.

“That was my fault. It took me the whole year just to even step in the direction of you standing at your locker,” I admitted. He was just so pretty that it intimidated me. I was afraid he would be, like, an asshole and make fun of me for asking him on a date.

“Really?” He asked. I nodded. “Why?”

“I was afraid you’d be a jerk and make fun of me. I was only ever around you in our classes together, and you had other friends in those classes. I was terrified that you’d be rude to be because I was gay.”

“You really thought that about me?” He questioned feebly, sounding hurt.

“I’m sorry. But being gay in a small town calls for beat downs and endless torture. I didn’t want my life to become a Lifetime movie,” I said, looking over at him. “But I’m glad I decided to take the chance to talk to you and ask- albeit, late.” Frank’s hurt expression turned into one of happiness.

“Can I kiss you again?” He asked.

“You know, it’s much better when you just read the atmosphere and go for it,” I chuckle. “It’s a lot more romantic. You know, if the field and full moon weren’t doin’ it for you.” He laughs softly and leans forward, pressing his lips to mine. I pull him closer by the back of his neck and deepen it. He makes me want more, and that was a feeling I’d never had. Not with any of my past boyfriends or even guys I thought were attractive and that thought scared. Instantly, I pulled away and sat up, holding my head in my hands.

“Gerard?” Frank asks, putting his hand on my shoulder after sitting up as well. “What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? Oh, God, I made you uncomfortable and forced you, didn’t I?” He panicked. I quickly shook my head.

“No. It’s… It’s me,” I say, feeling tears in my eyes.

“What do you mean, it’s you?” I pull my hands away from my face and look over at him even though he’s blurry from my tears.

“I’m physically attracted to you,” I whine. “That’s never happened with anyone before and I don’t know what to do with or about it,” I sob, letting my tears fall. I hear him sigh softly, putting his arm around my shoulder and pulling me against him.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Gerard. It’s okay. We’ll take our time, okay? We don’t have to do anything about it,” he assured me. I felt like a little kid all over again, and it almost disgusted me, but knowing that it was Frank who was holding me now, I felt all right again.

“Thank you,” I whispered. We stayed there for a little while longer, sharing a few kisses here and there before I drove him home. After getting used to the road, I figured out where we came from. It took almost an hour to get home. It was nearly midnight by the time I pulled up to his house. Like a gentleman, I opened his door for him and walked him to his front door.

“I had a terrifc night, Gerard,” he said, holding my hand in his and looking up at me with a soft smile. I returned it and then leaned down to give his cheek a kiss.

“I did, too. You ever find yourself wanting to do it again, you have my number,” I said softly before pulling my hands out of his grasp and walking away. I only drove away after making sure that he was inside.

The next two weeks went back almost the same. For the last couple of weeks of school, he and I were constantly together, and after classes ended for the day, we’d hop in my car and go places or just go over to my house and watch movies together, occasionally accompanied by Mikey, who seemed to love Frank. Graduation came and went and the only highlight of it all was when Frank jumped the fence and ran into the field to give me the kiss of a lifetime.

I was loading my packed boxes into my car when Frank came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist tightly. It was his way of telling me that he didn’t want me to go, but would respect my decision.

“I don’t want to leave you either, Frankie, but one day we’ll see each other again,” I promised. It was true. I would come to visit or maybe Fate would play a part and give us a little push. Who really knew? Fate had a really fucking twisted sense of humor, because it would be five years before I talked to him again.

We lost contact about a year after I moved away, he just stopped responding to my messages one day and that was the worst. I’d been so used to talking to him often that I had to detach myself from that. Mikey told me his graduation date, so I made sure I had absolutely no plans that day and drove down to that old town to see him walk across that stage. He looked much more mature and happy even, without me. It was an unfair thought for me to have, especially after I’d told myself that he deserved more than me. I don’t know what took over my body, but as soon as the caps were tossed into the air and their class song played, I jumped the fence and ran to him, just as he did to me last year. Before he could even register what happened, I spun him around and grabbed his face with both of my hands, wasting no time to push our lips together. His eyes were shut closed in shock and then I was gone, lost in the crowd before he snapped to. I left the field and went to my parent’s home and cried in my old room. Mikey had come in and soothed me.

“Why did he stop talking to me, Mikey?” I sobbed, clutching to his shirt. I hated showing weakness to him, it always made me uncomfortable, but I had such strong feelings for Frank and I didn’t know what to do with them, so I let them out through my tears.

“I don’t know, Gerard. He got a boyfriend about six months after you left and he wasn’t the same. I don’t know what happened, but I don’t think it was his choice. His boyfriend is a fucking dickhole,” Mikey muttered the last part. I chuckled at my brother’s language, thankful that I had him in my life.

“Get some sleep, Gerard. You gotta start driving early tomorrow.” I nodded and laid myself down, all of my crying having tired me out. Sleep came easy and I was thankful.

Four years later and I ran into him again at a fucking coffee shop of all places. At this point in my life, I was an author, published twice and starting my own comic series soon in the upcoming year. I was proud of myself and I wasn’t afraid to show it, just not too much, of course. I was ordering my drink when I heard a voice call my name from behind me. I turned around and came face to face with a smiling Frank.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in so long,” he exclaimed, giving me a hug. I tensed and pulled myself from his arms. Since my days with him, I went back to not being able to touch other people. I guess he was included in that category now, no longer the exception. I turned back to the counter and quickly paid, grabbing my drink and bolting out the door. I didn’t want to see him. He’d hurt me and he was still hurting me. I thought I was safe until I felt a hand grab my shoulder and I instantly knew it was Frank, having remembered the feel of him on me from the past.

“I owe you an explanation,” he said as he turned me around. I stared at him, wanting one of us to disappear and forget this ever happened, but like I said, Fate has a sick sense of humor. “I have no excuse, really. I was in an abusive and controlling relationship up until a few months ago. Once he’d seen that we always talked, he broke my phone and forbid me from talking to you and even Mikey. I hated that relationship and I don’t even know why I stayed for as long as I did. Maybe it was because I had no one to run to if I even had the courage to run. I was just helpless,” he explained.

“Mikey said he was “a fucking dickhole”,” I said. Frank stared at me for a moment before bursting into a small fit of laughter.

“Hey, how about we catch up? Do you have anywhere you need to be?” He asked me.

“I work from home,” I said, gesturing to the laptop I had in the bag on my shoulder. “If you don’t mind me doing some work while we talk.”

“I don’t mind. Let’s head to my apartment. If you’re comfortable with that, that is?” He asked.

“Lead the way.” And he did. We catch up and I found out that he was now in a band as the lead singer and songwriter. I was extremely proud. He said that he’d worked with Ray for quite a while, using the connection I had introduced him to, to get recognized at some shows he played with the man. I told him about my book and upcoming comic series and he said that he’d already read my books and asked me to sign his copy. It made me blush, but I did it for him.

He told me that he thought about me throughout the years and even tried to ask around for my number but no one seemed to have it. I laughed because I didn’t just hand it out to anyone. Only Mikey and Ray had had it other than my parents and Frank for a brief moment because I didn’t like to socialize much.

He also brought up his graduation and mentioned that he wished I’d have gone. I laughed when I told him that I did, and even harder when I told him that I was the one who kissed him. By the time night came, I was in his bed cuddling with him. We’d made up and I couldn’t be happier.

“Hey, Gerard?” He said into the dark room. His head was laying on my chest as I played with his longer hair.

“Hm?” I hummed. I felt him move and guessed that he was looking at me since I could feel his breath against my lips.

“I really fucking love you,” he said as he sighed. I froze for a moment. No one had ever told me that in a romantic way and I wouldn’t ever dream of it being someone other than Frank to say it. “I’ve been wanting to tell you that for so long.”

“I love you, too, Frank. If you break my heart again, though, I’m ripping yours out and replacing mine. Got it?” I said. He chuckled softly and kissed me deeply, mumbling that it was a fair deal against my lips. We made love that night and he was very careful, constantly asking me if I was okay and if I were comfortable or wanted to stop. I will never forget the pleasure I felt as he thrusted into me at a slow and steady pace. I will never forget the way his hands felt on my hips, his lips on my neck, and the love he emitted into me. It was a beautiful night and I never wanted it to end, so it didn’t. Eventually, he moved into my apartment since it was bigger and when he wasn’t out touring with his band, he was with me in my art studio working on new songs. My life was perfect. He and I just flowed together.

I remember the night I came home from having to go into the main corporate office for a meeting about my series to the apartment filled with candles leading to the living room. I followed the trail and there was Frank on one knee with a small box open in his hands. I immediately burst into tears as soon as he said, “Gerard Way, will you follow the yellow brick road with me?”

Yes, Fate has a twisted sense of humor, but if you’re strong enough to stand it, it can be rewarding in the sweetest of ways.

Frank and I have been married for four years now. We’re adopting kids soon.

Notes

Hey, everyone! Hope you enjoyed my second oneshot, especially since this one was a lot longer.

Maybe leave me some comments to let me know if you liked it or even if you didn't! Feedback is always appreciated :))

Thanks for reading!

Much love,
-OAIF <3