The first time Mikey and I kissed, there were no feelings from my half. The only thing that existed at the time was my cherish for him and his little 'highschool' crush on me. Now... Now the specter was turning a bit different.
This was so fucked up in so many ways. I loved Gerard, Gerard made me the happiest man on earth. Gerard was in the other room, for fuck sakes. Was I insane? Did I have a deathwish for my relationship or something? Mikey was dating, and his boyfriend was such a nice person. A damaged one? Absolutely. But nonetheless, a nice person. So why did this have to happen? Was my brain turning against itself? Was my heart following a path I didn't know that existed? The questions were flooding my head one at a time but at the speed of light. My mind was having a storm, and my heart was stuck in a tornado. This was so unfair for everyone, and I was the only one to blame. Me and my fucking restless lust for Gerard's brother. That was the issue: I couldn't make myself believe that this was pure lust for him. I felt so wrong, I felt so bad for hurting everyone with this, I felt so guilty. So dirty. But I felt so, so... So intrigued. So curious and so selfish about this feeling. And when I finally came down to my senses, I was enveloping Mikes in my arms, tangling my hand in his hair, holding him against my body like if I let him go he would crumble right there and turn into a mess of shards of glass. Yet, he seemed to be thinking the same way, since he was holding me as strong as he could, which by now should have made me hiss in pain, but the truth was that I couldn't feel pain at all. Maybe it was some sort of secondary effect from all that rush. His slim fingers were tugging the hem of my shirt, in a weak attempt to get it removed from my body, although as soon as we both realized what we were doing we immediately stopped, the two of us now with warm, red cheeks, trying to get a hold on our breathing.

- F-Frank, I'm so s-sorry, oh my God, what are we doing? My brother is literally the room next door and we're here dwelling in forbidden kisses and touches, Jesus Christ, this is all my fault! - Mikey held his head in his hands, his eyes wide open and he was scared shitless.
- Mikes, calm down, everything's gonna be alright. I have to talk to Gerard. This is wrong as fuck, yeah, I know that but we can't hide these things, we can't lie to him. I can't lie to him. It's not your fault, I'm the one who tends to fall into temptation, I'm the one who doesn't stop when necessary, I'm the one who encourages you. If it's anyone's fault it's mine and mine only!
- Frank, if I haven't tried to kiss you months ago this would never have happened!
- Mikey, I'm sorry but can you please shut the fuck up? You're a fucking attractive guy, and you deserve someone who gives you everything. I can't do it. I could if I had met you before Gerard. Trust me, I could. But it's not the case, and it's fucking useless for us to feel guilty. We both made a mistake but what's done is done. I'll take care of this. Don't worry.

Mikey stayed in his bedroom, and for as much as I would like to stay with him and try to ease his mind, I had to return to Gerard. We were already in that room for almost twenty minutes. So, not surprisingly, when I got to the living room Gerard asked me if everything was okay and I bluntly said something like ''Yeah, Mikey just wanted to talk to me about what was happening between him and Aaron.'' before sitting down beside him on the couch. I tried to act normal because I wasn't going to talk to him at the moment. Later. Not right then.

---

Two days later I was alone at home when I got a call from Aaron. He asked me if he could stop by because he wanted to talk to me. Mikey had told him. I knew it and honestly... I was expecting it. Mikey wasn't exactly a person who could overcome something like this in silence. But I made a personal note to thank him for it.Around 4 in the afternoon I heard the bell ring and went answer it. I greeted a very calm and relaxed Aaron, which at first kinda gave me the chills.- Come on in, make yourself comfortable, man. - Yeah, I tried to remain calm but we already knew what was going to be said. Kind of. I sat with him at the table in the kitchen.- Do you want something to drink? I just made coffee, or if you want I can get water or something.- Yeah, coffee sounds great, thanks.- So, what brought you here today? - (Really, Frank?...)- Uhm... I need to talk to you about Michael... - The way he was pronouncing his name was somewhat awkward. I've called him Michael before, but under ''other'' circumstances... It just felt weird, okay?- What's wrong? - (Oh, come on, just get to the point, Jesus Christ.)- I think things aren't going the way I wished they would have gone. You know how my fiancé left me shortly after he proposed to me, although I think I never told you why, and I never told Michael either...- Yeah... - I agreed, cupping my coffee mug and looking at it like if it was the most interesting thing near me at the time. It was true, though. I never knew exactly why they broke up.- Well, we were facing issues because of me. I have to give you some background before I explain everything to you. I'm a very... unstable person since I can remember. I've had my fair share of traumas related to my job and that somehow changed my view about some things in life. Brian helped me with that. He was my rock, we were so happy together in the beginning of our relationship. He knows everything about me. I had never let myself get attached to my patients before, my relationship with all of them was strictly professional and all the boundaries were set. I'd give the occasional wink to the old ladies but in a matter of cherishing and to retribute their kind attitude. I don't know what happened with Michael, but the truth is that somethinghappened. Even though Brian asked me to marry him, I was going through a time with him in our relationship where things weren't as intense as they should be. Like, I was fucking happy when he proposed, but there was something missing. I wanted those words to make things right, but it took the wrongs to make those words come to life. He came to me after he texted me a couple days ago and... I guess we just talked it through.- Oh. I see. - I shortly replied after hearing him, staring at the floor, my arms crossed over my chest.- This isn't fair to Michael. He's a wonderful person, I... I just... I shouldn't have let things come to these terms. I've tried to prove myself that Brian and I were through. But instead, I just lied to myself, I denied my feelings and hurt Michael. I feel like absolute shit. - (''You fucking should'', I thought to myself.) - So I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I have to break up with him. I came to you instead of his brother mainly because he'd probably flip out. - (Oh, probably? You wouldn't have the slightest chance to be alive, don't worry.) - I figured you were the ideal person to have this conversation with, before I talk to Michael... - (Well, shit. Way to go to make me stand in the most awkward position ever, Aaron.)- If things are like what you've just said, yes, I'd strongly advise you to end things with Mikes. He's going to be fucking torn, but I'll take care of him. And it's not because of you, it's because of him. I just wished you had a bit more respect towards him. - (Haha, you're kidding me, right? Who am I to talk about respect?...) - I'm sure he told you about the last relation-shithe had.By now, I had lost all my consideration for Aaron. I wasn't good, but he was being way worse. I don't have doubts about what I feel for Gerard. I may have a slight crush on Mikey, but not for once the feeling of doubt came across my mind when it comes to Gerard. I'm just a tiny bit fucked up.- Yes, I'm aware of that. Which makes me feel even worse, but I can't keep on doing this to Michael.Then the silence took over, as we sipped on our coffee mugs.- I think I'm gonna go now... - (Yeah, go meet your stalker ex-fiancé. But don't you fucking dare speaking to Mikey again motherfucker, I'll knock you out.)I walked Aaron to the door. It's funny to remember that now, the upright doctor Aaron, with his mighty posture, was feeling like shit. He looked like shit too, honestly. His hair was all greasy and his stubble was more pronounced and thick. His clothes had coffee stains on them and his eyes had bags on them. I couldn't help myself to feel a bit more confident than usual.- I guess this is...Goodbye then? Unless any of you go to the hospital again? - He laughed nervously. My facial expression remained unchanged, except for one of my eyebrows, which was slightly raised, and my arms were kept crossed.- I think we're going to try and keep ourselves out of trouble for a while. I'll make sure of that. - I said sarcastically. Then I remembered something. Mikey hadn't told him about what happened between him and me. That left me kind of surprised, in all honesty. I guess he wanted to leave that thing apart. Maybe it was our secret. Our dirty little secret.

---

- Fuck, Frankie, what is wrong with me?! Why does everyone leave? Why do I always have to be the one who gets hurt? - Mikey sobbed on my shoulder as he gripped my shirt against him. He's taller than me, but since we were sitting the difference was almost unnoticeable. He couldn't stop crying. I felt so fucking sorry for him. He was broken. Aaron had the fucking nerve of breaking up with him through a phone call and then he kept posting song lyrics on Twitter like if he regretted any of it. Fucking cunt.- It's okay, Mikey, it's going to be fine. - I tried to ease him, rubbing his back in circular motions, as I let him cry on my shoulder. - But please, from now on be more careful, please. For you, for me, for Gerard. Speaking of which, does he know of this?- I told him about it, but he did what he always does, he left me alone because he knows I never liked to talk about these things with him... - He said between quiet sobs, as he sniffed lightly.- Well, I'm here, I'll do my best to help you. You know how I can't stand seeing you like this, Mikes. - We hugged for a while before I left him alone for the night. I fucking hated Aaron with all my guts. He had been insensitive enough to end a relationship over the phone, as he was perfectly aware of Mikey's situation. I felt so sorry for him, he was broken. People hurt him all the time. He had like five other friends beside me and Gerard but they were the kind of friends that were never together. The occasional coffee or the nights out for drinks? Yeah, they totally did it, and Mikey was okay whenever that happened. But the times they would send him a message or call him showing genuine concern were rare, very, very rare. And that saddened me deeply. Because I knew how that felt like. He feltlonely.And I'm sure you remember what I've told you about feeling... lonely.As days kept passing by, I was relieved to see that Mikey was actually doing pretty well. Better than I would ever have thought. I knew he was strong, though. He even applied for a job in a Starbucks, which was going to do some good to him and Gerard was super excited about that because, well... Higher chances of getting free heavenly coffee. I just hoped he wouldn't get in ''trouble'' so soon. As far as I knew, everything seemed to be good with him. Apparently after some afternoons at his new job he had found some old friends of his, Ray Toro and Pete Wentz, who he hadn't seen since highschool and they planned to meet during the next weekend for guitar jams and all that. That was cool, and I felt happy for him.Gerard and I, knowing of that, thought it would be nice to go out for the weekend, so he booked a hotel. After so many months living with them I realized we had never done such a thing, so my expectations were set high.We happily agreed about going to a nice hotel outside of the center of the city. Nothing too expensive but still quite fancy. We made our reservations online on Thursday night. The excitment was just enough to make us go to bed way after that. If you know what I mean...

That weekend was going to be... interesting.

Notes

HEYHEYHEY UPDATE, HERE YA GO, MY CHILDREN

so, anyone cares to explain how we're almost at 6k FUCKING VIEWS AFTER 12 DAYS OF NO UPDATE?
bc I'd really appreciate if someone explained that to me.

this week has been a fucking mess. but hey, I finally managed to give you something, even though I don't feel quite happy with the ending.
nevertheless, I wanna thank you all for the love and all the messages on social networks related to the story and everything. you guys are seriously the best.
also, poor Mikey :( AND YES, THE NEXT CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE SMUTTY AND FLUFFY AS FUCK. i'm also going to include something for my friend Nicole, since I love her so much and she has been my sunshine throughout these last few days. I LOVE YA GIRLIE

- luna