Latter Day Sinner

Frank wasn’t surprised when Gerard avoided him after that, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t disappointed. He tried, knowing he’d be unsuccessful, to contact him, but it was to no avail. One evening he even went to the Priest’s house, and even though the lights were on, there was no answer.

He felt sadness and guilt bury themselves in the pit of his stomach – but not regret. How could he ever regret what had happened? Gerard’s lips had been so hard and insistent on his own, the taste of his mouth so sweet. He replayed it in his mind, over and over – the way his back was shoved into the counter, the gentle moan that slipped from Gerard’s lips as his weight was pressed against him. Sometimes, late at night, with his hand under the covers, Frank would let the scenario build. What if Gerard hadn’t pulled away? What if he’d kissed down Frank’s neck, his hands fumbling with his belt, until he finally sank to his knees and -
He never normally lasted past that thought. It was normally at that point that he’d find himself shaking and soaked, the guilt in his stomach seeming to grow, overcoming the wave of pleasure he’d just felt.

“...and she’s nice and all, real sweet, but I don’t think I can- Frank? Frankie, are you even listening?” Mia sighed, shaking his arm. They were at her house, sat on her floor with a box of pizza between them. Frank, unsurprisingly, hadn’t been listening.

“Uh, yeah, yeah. Tina. Not sure if you and her are a thing…” he mumbled. Mia rolled her eyes and looked at him.

“You know, he’s a Priest. So even if he does decide to talk to you again, there’s no way you two can…y’know. Be together. It’s against his vows,”

“Sorry princess, didn’t realise you were a member of the clergy,” he mumbled. Mia glared at him, biting aggressively on her pizza.

“No, but Google exists, Frankie. After what happened between you guys, he’d have had to confess and vow to never sin again. Which, by the way, Mr. Self-Pity, is probably why he’s avoiding you. Because you tempt him,” she said, glancing away. Frank paused for a moment, biting his lip. She had a point, there. If an alcoholic wanted to stay sober, they’d avoid going to bars – so a Priest trying to stay pure would avoid the object of their…desire?
Was it really that bad? Frank had assumed that his little crush had been mostly unrequited, but if Gerard was going out of his way to avoid him, it must be because his feelings were overwhelming.

“So what do I do?” he asked gently. Mia looked up from her phone and sighed, shrugging a little.

“Leave him alone, Frank. If you really care about him, just leave him alone. He’s already risked a fuck ton with what he did before – he’s lucky he didn’t get suspended. Just… let it go,”
Frank already knew that wasn’t possible. He’d had a taste and now he was hooked. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he was almost certain it had to do with the fact that, in all reality, Frank couldn’t have him. He was older, and he was a Priest. Those two things alone made them forbidden – and that’s the part that set Frank on fire. He wanted to bend the man over a pew and make him forget everything but his name. He wanted to make a new meaning out of ‘get on your knees and ask for forgiveness’. He wanted to stain everything pure about Gerard, and he wanted the older man to want it.
But it was more than even just that. Because he didn’t just want to fuck him speechless – he wanted him. He wanted to hold him and kiss the tips of his fingers. He wanted to watch him undress slowly, and take in every beautiful inch of him. He wanted laughing and cuddling in bed, when both of them were sweating and panting and looking at each other like they were the only things that mattered. And Frank wanted these things so badly it hurt. He knew Mia’s suggestion was smart – leave him alone. Let him be pure. But the idea of not being with him ate at him. He was selfish and stupid and he didn’t care. If Gerard didn’t want him, then by God, the Priest would tell him so himself.
He knew there was one time when Gerard couldn’t ignore him. And maybe using a Holy time for his own purposes was a sin – but so was lust. And if he didn’t get this sorted out, he was going to be lusting right up until he got delivered to Hell.


“Mom, are you going to Church tomorrow?” Frank asked at dinner that night. His mother glanced up, looking genuinely surprised.

“Yes, of course, like I do every week. Why, are you coming?” she asked sarcastically. Frank shifted a little in his seat.

“Uh, actually, yeah. I was going to, if that’s okay?” he asked gently. Her surprise only grew as she leaned back in her chair, her fork poised above her plate.

“Oh. I mean…if you really want to? Can I ask why?” she asked carefully, her eyes seeming to scan over him. Frank shrugged.

“I just haven’t been in a while. I figured that can’t be good for my immortal soul or whatever,” he murmured, hoping she wouldn’t detect the heavy sarcasm that tainted his tone. He knew there was no way she could know his real motives, but nonetheless he tried to remain impassive. She shrugged, slowly going back to eating her food.

“Okay – are you going to be awake in time?” she asked, glancing up at him. “I’m not waiting around if you sleep in,” she warned, clearly still wary. Frank nodded, not making eye contact with her.

“Yeah, I’ll be up,” he mumbled, shoving a piece of potato into his mouth to shut down the conversation.


True to his word, Frank was actually ready before his Mother – a phenomenon that shocked her when she came into his room to wake him up, and found him fully dressed and gently strumming his guitar.

“You’re eager,” she noted, glancing over him. Frank laughed weakly.

“No, just couldn’t sleep,” he said, waving a hand dismissively. She just nodded, but Frank knew she was suspicious. He’d have to keep a low profile for the rest of the morning, and try not to
seem too interested when they got to the Church.

That, however, proved to be harder than he thought. As they walked, he passed the small house at the edge of the Church grounds and his heart pounded. In that house, he’d kissed Gerard – or rather, Gerard had kissed him. He remembered, in full detail, the eagerness of the man’s mouth, the way his body responded with lustful tremors running through his bones. He felt his cock gently twitch at the thought of it – and, more specifically, at the remembrance of his fantasises that had taken place in the very Church he was entering – and groaned weakly. This was going to be far more difficult than he’d anticipated, he just knew it.

Gerard didn’t approach the platform for a good five minutes, which was just about enough time for Frank’s body to relax, and for him to convince himself that he’d be okay.
Of course, once the older man did arrive, Frank was gone completely. He swallowed hard, his heart racing. Gerard was so pretty. His fantasies didn’t do a thing of justice for him – Gerard wasn’t as old as he’d convinced himself, nor was he quite so overweight. While he was both these things, they sort of worked for him, and he had a kind of whimsical charm to him. He raised a hand and addressed the crowd – but he might as well have been speaking directly to Frank, because his voice reverberated through his body far louder than it did against the Church walls. If Frank’s body was a temple, it had been built to honour Gerard.

To Gerard’s credit, it took him a while to notice Frank’s presence. Maybe it was because he honestly hadn’t entertained the idea that Frank would stoop so low as to bother him during a service, but it was a genuine shock to him when he spotted him, all black hair and teenage angst, sitting in the third row. He stumbled slightly over his words, his usually strong voice weakening a little. He noticed his hands shaking as he turned the page in his Bible and internally cursed himself. He’d been pure for two weeks straight since ‘the incident’, and now this? Why couldn’t Frank just leave him alone?
He tried hard not to imagine the boy’s lips against his, the race of his heart as he felt himself awaken from what felt like a thousand year-long sleep. It’d been a while since he’d felt alive like that.
Had he ever felt alive like that? He wasn’t sure anymore. But now that he saw Frank sitting there, looking almost adoringly up at him, he’d honestly believe it if it turned out that his heart had only started beating two months ago.
Had it really only been two months? It felt like forever. He wanted it to be forever.


Frank was, for once, absolutely enthralled about his Mother’s habit of hanging around after Church. She talked with her friends, catching up on the neighbourhood gossip – normally something that Frank despised, but now it bought him time. He clutched the rosary in his pocket (the one Gerard had given him all those weeks ago) and looked out for the ageing man coming down the aisle.

It was a while until he saw him, but once he did, his heart accelerated to the point where he felt like his entire form was pulsing.
The older man, amusingly, pretended not to see Frank for a moment – talking to other Church-goers, looking around the room, and so on. It was a few minutes before he came over and warmly shook Frank’s Mother’s hand. He still avoided Frank’s gaze.

“Wonderful sermon, Father,” Frank’s Mother smiled. Gerard grinned, nodding his head gratefully. He glanced, finally, at Frank with a guarded expression.

“Hello, Frank. I haven’t seen you in a while,” he said, his voice tight and cold. Frank pursed his lips, glancing up through his eyelashes.

“I felt like getting some Holy guidance, or something like that,” Frank hummed.

“Well, this is the place for that. I hope you found what you were looking for,”

“No. Not really. I don’t feel particularly enlightened,” Frank looked up at Gerard with an accusatory glare, his jaw clenched. “Maybe we could talk in the confessional?” he asked innocently.
Gerard thought for a moment, then gave a little smirk of his own.

“I can’t right now, Frank. I suggest that, whatever is bothering you, you pray for guidance,” he said firmly. “That’s what I do.”
Frank took that exactly as it was meant. Gerard wanted the whole thing to be forgotten – he didn’t even want to talk about it. The idea made Frank’s heart squeeze – he wasn’t even being given a chance.

“Can you refuse confession?” he asked, his voice sickly sweet.

“There are times when confession is heard, Frank. If you actually attended Church for more reasons than personal vendettas, you’d know that. Check the timetable and return at a better time.”
He glanced up at Frank’s Mother and smiled coolly. She, apparently, didn’t have any reason to disagree with his decision, and smiled back.

“I’ll see you next week, Linda. It’s been good speaking with you,” he said gently. He didn’t even spare Frank another glance as he walked back towards the vestry.
That asshole.


Being that he had no other choice, Frank checked the time at the confessional, and returned to the Church a few hours later. Unsurprisingly, his Mother was surprised and a little concerned by his seemingly urgent need to speak with the Priest, but didn’t comment. After all – she didn’t want to turn him off religion just when he seemed to be getting into it. Besides, he was eighteen – what sort of awful thing could he really be doing?

Frank had never been to confession before – he’d only seen it in movies. A quick online search had told him basically what to expect, although that didn’t include a line of people ahead of him.
It was strange, watching them come out of the thin, brown box looking so relieved and sure of themselves – just from speaking with Gerard. It was almost funny to Frank – none of them
knew that the man in question was so impure himself.

When it was Frank’s turn, he took a deep, shaking breath, before stepping into the box. He knelt down next to the grate and looked down, biting his lip. He willed his heart to stop hammering, but it ignored him and continued to make dents in his ribcage.

“In t-the name of the F-Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, it’s been…um. This is my first confession,” he stammered, staring at the wooden floor. He could hear Gerard suck in a breath.

“Frank,”

“Yes, Father,”

“I…I’m listening,” he murmured gently. His voice sounded almost soft and warm, like it used to be before…before all of this. It gave Frank hope – although, he didn’t dismiss the idea that this was probably just his ‘Priest’ voice. Frank nodded, rubbing his hands on his jeans.

“I’ve sinned a lot. It’s been eighteen years. I’ve done…some real bad stuff. But uh, I guess the thing I’m here for is that…um. I’ve been having indecent and lustful thoughts about…about a man-

“Frank-

“A member of the clergy-

“Frank, please-

“You. I’ve been thinking…awful things. Filthy things. I can’t even repeat them. You’d never speak to me again if you knew how I’d been thinking about you,” he breathed, his voice trembling. Gerard was silent for a moment, seemingly trying to collect himself before replying.

“Don’t repeat them,” he whispered. His tone was strained, and Frank was desperate to see his face, but he didn’t dare look up.

“I won’t. Father, if it was just the thoughts and the fantasies and the dreams…I could live with that. But it’s more,”

“My goodness-

“Father, I can’t stop thinking about you. And we can’t pretend that we didn’t kiss, or that we didn’t enjoy it. It happened, and I liked it. I like you. Why won’t you talk to me?” his voice was choked and shaky as he tried to fight tears. God, why was he crying?
Gerard was quiet again for a few seconds.

“I’m not pretending. I know it happened. And…and yes, I enjoyed it. But it can’t happen again, Frank, you know that. I’m your Priest. I can’t abuse my position like that…it’s not right,” again, his voice was kind and soft, and it made Frank absolutely melt.

“But you’re not. You’re just doing what’s making us both happy. Don’t tell me that that’s the first time you’d wanted to kiss me,” he breathed.

“It…it wasn’t. You tempt me, Frank. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. The temptation to…break my vows; it’s almost too strong to handle,” he admitted. Butterflies erupted through Frank’s chest at the words. This was what he wanted. A damn admission – so why didn’t he feel good?

“And now?”

“Sorry?”

“What about now, Father? Am I tempting you now?” he asked, his voice shaking. Gerard let out a soft groan.

“Yes. Even now. You’re always tempting me, Frank. Even when I’m not around you, it’s just…frustrating,” he mumbled. Frank, at least, was happy that he was being honest.

“Really?”

“Yes. I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. That…that stupid kiss. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and now I can’t get it out of my head. Frank, I haven’t been tempted by someone in… in decades. Why you?”
Frank was silent for a moment before he responded.

“I don’t know. But it’s mutual. I want you, too.”

“It can’t happen. I confessed and made a vow to never sin again. So that’s it. I can’t do this anymore, Frank. You’ll have to leave me alone.” His voice sounded more sure and firm than he felt, and Frank knew it. The younger man sighed, finally looking up. Gerard wasn’t looking at him, though, but straight ahead at the cross that hung above the door.

“Can I come over tonight? Just to talk?” he asked weakly. “We were friends, y’know. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Can we try to get that back at least?”

“Frank…I can’t turn these feelings off. The only thing I can do is avoid the situation. I don’t want something to happen-

“It won’t. Father, I won’t let it. Please. I miss you,” he breathed. Gerard sighed, closing his eyes. He’d regret this, he knew he would.

“Okay. I’m gonna be finished here in…say, half an hour. Meet me at my place and we’ll talk. Just talk,” he said firmly. Frank couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Well, I mean. All that grey hair is real hard for me to resist, Father, but I’ll do my best.” To his joy, Gerard smiled and cast a glance to the window.

“Go. And pray or something while you’re there, alright?” he beamed, shaking his head. Frank nodded, thanked him, and slid out of the confessional.
Well, that could have gone worse.
From what he’d gathered: Gerard liked him, enjoyed kissing him, and wanted to be his friend. That was a good start.

Notes