Counting Stars

Have you ever had a secret? Like, something you couldn’t tell anyone? It could range from something that could get you in trouble with your parents, like sleeping with your boyfriend. Or maybe it’s as innocent as a surprise party or something like that.
But have you ever have had to keep your whole life a secret? One part of you could get you killed?
I have too many secrets I need to keep to myself, and all of them could get me killed.
I was only seven when I realized I had to live in fear. My parents sat me down one afternoon after school. Their eyes were filled with anxiety, and my mother was biting her lip.
“Frankie, we have a question we need to ask you a question, and we need you to answer honestly.” My father said seriously, and I nodded slowly. Mind you, I was young and didn’t know what the hell was going on.
“Okay…”
“Frank…do you like Gerard?” I almost laughed out loud at that stupid question. Of course I liked Gerard! He was my best friend! We had been friends since birth, and we did everything together. We played at recess together, we would hang out after school together, we went to school together...
“Yeah! He’s awesome!” I said happily, and my mother chuckled shallowly.
“Of course, sweetheart, but do you…like him? Like, how daddy and I love each? Is it anything like that, dear?” I looked at her, unsure what to say. I don’t know how to love each other. It always confused me. Was love the feeling that you felt when your heart was warm and fuzzy, like you just took a big sip of hot chocolate? Was love the desire to be friends forever, no matter the consequences or the heartache? Was love the feeling where you can’t keep your eyes on anything else, except your lovers face? Was that what love was? Or was I just confused?
“I don’t know…I guess so.” I shrugged, not seeing the big deal. However, I guess there was a big deal, seeing as my mother looked at my father in horror.
“I’m sorry.” I said quietly, not exactly sure what I was sorry, but I obviously was doing something wrong.
“Dear, there’s nothing to be sorry for…you didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t help it.” She sighed, looking at my father for help, and help he offered.
“Frank, your mother and I have been worried about this for months now. We think we’re what people call...queer.” I looked at the both of them, my mind blank. How do you respond to that?
“What’s that, momma?” I asked, looking at my mother for hope in understanding.
“It’s where boys like boys, or girls like girls.” She explained after a moment of silence. I nodded. I guess I could relate to that.
“Okay. What’s wrong with that?”
“You can get in big trouble with that kind of mind, Frank.” My father said slowly, looking anywhere but at me. I tilted my head slightly.
“Why?”
“You know our new president?” I nodded. “Well, he’s very against the LGBTQ community. He hates it and wants all of them to be punished for something they didn’t do wrong; homosexuals and their entire families.” Father sighed, rubbing his eyes with fingers, biting his lip.
“Frank…we need you to do something. Something that we know is going to be hard for you to do.” I nodded again, waiting for my mission. I could do it, whatever it was!
“We need you to stop being friends with Gerard.”
…what?
“What?” I asked, afraid I heard wrong or heard right. “What do you mean?”
“Honey, we know it’s hard, but we can’t risk losing you! They start watching you from a young age, waiting for you to break. You can’t break, you can’t show them how you really are.” My mom was at the brink of tears, trying to make me understand, but I shook my head.
“I can’t! He’s my best friend!” I said, and my mother sighed in exasperation, looking at my dad to support her once again.
“Frank, please do this for us. We need you to be safe, and you aren’t going to be okay if you’re friends with him.” My dad explained.
After an hour of arguing, I finally agreed.
To save my family.
To save myself.

Notes