Getting Surreal

As the night went on, Becks didn’t do much socializing.

It wasn’t that she was in a mood or anything, she just had a lot on her mind. Barry had shown up in the MCR tech tent a few minutes after Gerard had left and tried to get her to go down to dinner with him to meet up with Mince, but she told him that she wasn’t really hungry at all, so he headed off alone. Tom from MxPx had come up and asked if she wanted to join him in watching Dropkick Murphys play across the grounds and she kindly declined him, too. After that, her day was a blur of tuning guitars, hooking up gear, and mumbles of ‘all clear’ said to Brian.

Somehow, she found herself, at a quarter past six, standing alone and wedged in the side of the crowd, watching My Chemical Romance perform. Before they had even come up on stage, it occurred to her vaguely that she had never taken the opportunity to watch them from the crowd, and she found that to be quite silly. They weren’t even on stage yet, and the electricity of the crowd just waiting in anticipation was insane and she felt a swell of pride in her heart for her boys.

And then, to the screams of what sounded like every voice in the state standing this side of the barricade, the guys started walking on stage. Becks watched as Ray quickly made his way to his position, smiling for all he was worth, hair bouncing around in the small breeze, Bob somehow materialized behind his drum kit, coolly twirling a stick between his fingers, Frank ran on stage, immediately jumping up on the small platform in the front, screaming something unintelligible to the crowd, and Gerard sauntered smoothly and slowly, like a prowling cat, just oozing with a confidence that only translated into how much he belonged up there in front of everybody. Becks wondered, with a furrowed brow, where Mikey was – she couldn’t see him, nor had she seen him walk on stage, but then, Frank finally jumped down off his platform, and there he was, standing there quietly, his bass in hand, stone faced and eyes casting to the sides of the stage as if looking for something, a small frown appearing on his lips.

Then, Gerard was screaming a greeting in the mic, grabbing her attention for a fleeting moment before the bass came in hard and fast for the intro of ‘Give Em Hell, Kid, and Becks’ eyes flew over to Mikey again. He was so into it and he was exuding rock and roll and he was…was…

Becks blinked. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of him. Through My Chem’s entire set, she didn’t look at a single one of the other guys (unless every time that Frank ran past her field of vision, jumping like a maniac counted). Seeing Mikey play (from a much better angle than side stage) – open his heart and soul and stage and just get lost in the music, in every note…he was beautiful.

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As he walked off stage and to his band’s makeshift ‘green room’ (more a small clearing of gear and coolers behind the stage), Mikey couldn’t keep the frown off his face. Where was Becks? Was she avoiding him? Was she okay? He handed off his bass to Barry and grabbed a bottle of water before leaning his back against a tall amp cabinet and closing his eyes for a second to catch his breath after the show.

“All good?”

Mikey opened his eyes to see his brother standing there, covered in sweat and eyes shining with concern. Mikey just slowly nodded, as if unsure of his answer himself, unscrewing the cap to his water and taking a long sip.

Gerard sighed. “She’s not avoiding you,” he said, bringing Mikey’s gaze right back up to him from the ground as he somehow (as brothers do) read his mind. “I think she’s just…working things out.”

“You know that for sure?”

Gerard opened his mouth slightly to respond then closed it again and gave his brother a long, discerning look-over. Finally, he gave a sigh through his nose and said, “It’ll be fine, Mikes,” reaching up to give his brother’s shoulder a comforting squeeze and a half smile before walking away.

Mikey watched after his brother for a moment, not really feeling any better than he had before Gerard had tried to cheer him up. He let out a noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan and laid his head back against the cabinet, screwing his eyes shut in frustration. If Gerard knew something, he would have told him, and the way he didn’t give a straight answer….

‘Fuck,’ he thought. Was he too forward when he was talking to her this morning? Did he scare her away? But…she almost kissed him, right? But he’d barely seen her after Gerard had walked in on them…actually, he’d only seen her on the bus after that, and she’d avoided his gaze. She wasn’t at dinner, and she wasn’t side stage for the show, and she wasn’t here, now…. It felt like the bottom of his heart was dropping out.

And then, in the blur of hustle and bustle around him, Mikey heard Frank shout out something loudly and looked over to see Becks being engulfed in a big hug. He watched as she smiled and squeezed Frank back, and then she looked up and met his gaze, and Mikey felt his breath catch. Becks’ smiled faded away and she whispered something to Frank before removing herself from his hold. Her face was completely blank, and Mikey figured that she was still going to avoid him, so, with a twist in his gut, he dropped his gaze to his feet, digging his toe in the dirt and dust, trying to ignore the feeling of dread that felt like a physical weight on his chest, all while playing Gerard’s words in his head over and over again.

‘It’ll be okay’….

And then, a small pair of beaten up and dusty Vans appeared in front of his own feet and he blinked, making sure he wasn’t imagining things. When his brain finally processed that the shoes were indeed there, he looked up to see Becks stood right in front of him, staring up at him with those bright eyes of hers.

They stared at each other for a solid minute, both wondering what the other one was thinking, both oblivious to the fact that people around them seemed to be stopping what they were doing to watch and see what they would do, both only aware of each other. Mikey was still leaned back against the cabinet, frozen and captivated by the girl in front of him and maybe a little terrified that if he moved, she might run off, and she stood there shyly, (much to Mikey’s delight to see, in spite of his confusion on everything) wrapped tightly in the hoodie he had given her the night before, hands disappeared in the sleeves that were a little too long and the hem of it coming down to her mid-thigh. She looked deep in thought as she stared up at him.

At last, Mikey couldn’t take the silence and staring, and was about to open his mouth when she moved, closing the space between them with a step forward and buried her face in his chest, not seeming to mind at all that his shirt was soaked in sweat from the show. As she wrapped her arms tightly around her waist, Mikey reciprocating her hug and pulling her tight and burying his face into the crook of her neck, confused but enjoying every second of contact with her.

They stayed that way for long moment, holding each other closely, before Becks moved to pull away and Mikey, reluctantly, loosened his grip on her and peered down at her curiously. Becks took a beat, staring at her shoes, trying to think of how to word what she was going to say before she looked up at the lanky boy in front of her.

She cleared her throat and gave him a nervous look. “Can we talk?”

Mikey felt a flush rise immediately to the tops of his cheeks, but kept his face neutral as he nodded. “Yeah,” he said, his voice coming out a little hoarse.

Just as Becks opened her mouth to speak, though, there was a loud screech from a guitar, and the next band started playing loudly on the stage right behind them. Becks shot Mikey a sheepish ‘oops’ sort of smile before grabbing his wrist and lightly pulling him away from the backstage and towards the busses.

When they’d made it to the My Chem busses, instead of climbing on board, Becks led the way between them and went around the back where she finally stopped and leaned her back against the crew bus. Mikey walked up so that he was right next to her, their shoulders almost touching, mimicked her position against the bus and waited patiently for he to speak.

“I, um….” She was frowning at her shoes again, searching for her words. Finally, she let out a long sigh and turned her head to look up at Mikey with the most unguarded expression he’d ever seen on her face and it was enough to make his insides shift a little. “Thank you.” She said, staring into his eyes like they were (and really, they pretty much were) the best thing she’d ever seen in her life.

Mikey was taken aback. What the hell was she thanking him for?

Clearly reading his mind, Becks gave him a somber kind of smile. “For just…. You’re so…good and patient with me, Mikey. I just…” she broke his gaze to look down again, pausing to take a long, steadying breath. It was very apparent to Mikey that she was uncomfortable about whatever she was opening up about, and he was going to give her all the time in the world to say what she needed to as he shifted so that he was completely facing her, his shoulder against the bus.

“Gerard told me that you have it, too.” She said so quietly it may as well have been a whisper. Mikey blinked and kept watching her. “The anxiety,” she explained. “I knew you did, but…I guess I didn’t realize it was so bad for you….”

Not wanting to hear her apologize (as he knew she undoubtedly would) again for things out of her control, Mikey cut her off. “It’s gotten better over the years,” he said, and she looked up at him, no pretenses on her face, just an open expression that was a mix of fear, sadness, and hope. He cleared his throat. “And you don’t need to apologize for not knowing.” He quirked an eyebrow minutely at her, and she gave the smallest of smiles in return, her cheeks tinging a little pink.

“Well…okay….” She took another deep breath and realized he was waiting for her to continue. “Well, one, just…thank you. For…” for the life of her, she couldn’t think of for what, exactly, so, hoping that Mikey would understand her innermost thoughts, as he seemed to have a knack for, she just settled on, “…everything. Okay?” The corners of his lips twitched up and he nodded, a feeling of relief surging through Becks. “A-and two…um…” Her brow furrowed and he could tell that she was struggling to talk about this. She let out a quick sigh. “Gerard says I need to get help.” She mumbled it and wouldn’t meet his eyes.

There was a pause as she stared hard at the ground, avoiding his gaze and he studied her face, trying to think of what he could say.

“I went to a doctor for it when I was younger,” he spoke finally, “it…really helped.” Becks looked up to see him nodding to his own words, he eyes cast off into the distance as he thought. “But…I know that you can’t force somebody to get help. I was there, I, uh…” he shook his head lightly, now, “I didn’t want help, but when I finally accepted it…it was good.” He looked back at her and Becks felt her heart flutter when their gazes met. “What you’ve got, Becks…” He frowned in thought but kept her gaze, “it…it scares me. I don’t like seeing you like that….”

He trailed off, the vivid memory of the look of sheer terror and pain on her face from her attack the night before running through his mind, and the look of sheer sadness that suddenly appeared on his face in response to it wrenched Becks’ heart and it took all she had to not reach out and embrace him.

“I just,” he finally spoke, shaking his head to clear his thoughts, looking steadily at the girl in front of him, “I want you to know that I’m here. Always here for you, okay?” Becks started to nod her head at his words when he spoke again. “And it’s not just because I can understand what it’s like, but….” He sighed and reached out, grabbing her hand in his, running his thumb up and down its back, looking her deep in the eyes. “I care about you, okay? Like…really, trulycare and I just want you to be okay.”

Becks felt tears well up in her eyes and couldn’t take it anymore, removing her hand from his so she could launch herself into his body, face buried into his shoulder and arms wrapped tightly around his neck. She had been told all of this before, of course she had. But…coming from Mikeyin the way that only he could say it…she felt all of her defenses crumble and was shaking from the effort to not cry.

As Mikey wrapped his arms around her waist, he could feel he shake, he could feel her stuttering breaths, and he could feel the way her hands were fisting into the back of his shirt and he just held her tightly to him, giving her a moment to process everything, one hand coming up to stroke at her hair soothingly.

“I’m here,” he whispered. “No matter how long it goes on. If you just want to talk or…need a hug, or if you want to get help…I can go with you….” He was just saying anything and everything coming to mind, letting it all fall out as he held her there, back behind the busses to the tune of unintelligible rock music and the sun setting off in the distance. “I’m here for you.”

Notes

Happy Saturday, guys!

I'm a little worried that these last few chapters have become a little unrealistically dramatic? (I know that they're actually not - anxiety attacks are real and all...) Buuut are they a little too dramatic and are messing with the flow, or do you guys think they're okay?

Lemme know! :)