Life on the Murder Scene

Gerard got clean in seventeen days. We’d skipped the trip to Six Flags and came straight home. My older brother had promptly thrown out all the alcohol in the house. The first week was the worst. Gerard spent most days in his bed, covered in a cold sweat, his entire body shaking. He never complained though instead, my older brother would just apologize for putting us all through this. I’d looked up ways to help ease the withdrawals but really didn’t find too much. Gerard claimed that me reading to him helped. We read through two books within the first week. The second week was better. Gerard got up and started taking care of himself again. He’d walk with me over to Frank’s and the three of us would play music and bake.

Although I had moved in with Frank a mere two days after we’d returned, I spent most of those seventeen days at home, sitting next to my brother’s bed just incase he needed anything. Frank didn’t seem to mind, though I do think he’s happy that I’m around more now. Today is Saturday and, per usual, Frank and I are sat on the couch watching cartoons over bagels and coffee.

“I like this,” Frank muses, pulling me closer to his side, burying his face in my hair.

“Like what?”

“I like being able to snuggle with you on the couch and I like being able to do this –” Frank presses his lips to mine – “I just like being normal and not having to hide the fact that I’m madly in love with you.”

I smile back at the guitarist, feeling butterflies in my stomach. Frank had told me he loved me about a week ago. I cried. I sat on his bed and cried like a fucking baby because I honestly thought I’d never hear someone say that to me. I’d said it back as soon as I’d stopped bawling. Now, anytime he says it, I get that same fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“You’re making me blush, Frank,” I giggle, laying kisses along his neck.

“Good.”

“Gerard’s doing better so I want to tell everyone soon, before you guys go on tour again,” I announce as the doorbell rings.

Frank nods, getting up off the couch to open the door; “You’re going to come with us, right?”

“If I’m invited,” I answer back with a smile as Gerard walks into Frank’s house. “Hey Gee.”

“Hi little sister,” Gerard answers, leaning over the back of the couch to hug me. “Your credit card company mailed your new card to the house. I thought I’d bring it to you. Also, I’ve got something else I’d like to talk about.”

“Sure thing,” I answer back, taking the white envelope from my brother and putting it on the coffee table, hoping that I’ll remember it later.

“So, you know how we’ve been working out the concept for the Helen music video. Well, I’ve been looking through the audition tapes for the dancers and I just don’t really think any of them fit. Um,” Gerard scratches at the back of his neck, letting out a cough, “I know you’ve not danced in a while but I’d love it if you’d play the part of Helena in our music video.”

I drop the coffee mug held between my hands. The dark brown liquid goes everywhere, coating my legs and the tan material of the couch I’m sitting on. Gerard just asked me to be in one of the band’s music videos. Not just any video either, this song is dedicated to our grandmother. I feel honored and absolutely terrified at the same time. I haven’t danced since my sophomore year of college; I’d given it up because it was just too time consuming and too expensive. I couldn’t afford to go into New York City every weekend for practices and auditions.

“Surely there’s someone better,” I answer back as Frank moves around me, trying to clean up the coffee with a wet towel.

Gerard shakes his head, “Being better doesn’t matter. I know you can dance just fine and it just feels wrong not having a family member for the part. Please Makayla?”

“Gerard…I just….has anyone else agreed on this?”

Frank laughs from his spot in the kitchen, “Your brother brought it up at band practice the other day. Everyone thinks it’s a great idea. You should say yes, Mak.”

I twist the ring on my pinkie round and round. This is huge. I let out a long sigh, looking up at my older brother, “Fine. What the fuck, why not?”

‘Thank you Makayla, I feel good about this,” Gerard answers, leaning forward to press his lips to my forehead. “I think you meet with the choreographer in a week from yesterday. We start filming in like a month. The director I’ve been in contact with really wants us to fly out to this church in LA.”

“LA? How would we get there?” I question, still trying to wrap my head around what I’d just agreed to.

“Our record label would fly us out there,” Gerard answers back with a smile. “Don’t worry, they’d pay for you too.”

“I see.”

“I’ll pass on your information to the people in charge and they should call you. I’ve gotta run though, Brian is in town and we’ve got some things to talk about,” Gerard says, getting up off the back of the couch and heading towards the door.

“Bye Gee!” I call after him.

An unsteady feeling forms in my stomach. What had I just agreed to? I was throwing myself into the world of My Chemical Romance in the most intimate way. Sure, I’d been on tour with them, but I wasn’t involved in the stage performance or the making of the music in any way. Now, I’m going to be depicting a character that my older brother had created to match the music that flowed through him. Suddenly, it’s all too much to take and I bolt for the bathroom, the coffee and bagel I’d had earlier hitting the clear water of the toilet.

“Mak?” Frank calls from down the hall, the bathroom door being pushed against my thigh.

My hand goes up to stop Frank from coming in. I need to be alone right now. He doesn’t need to see me freaking out about something as simple as dancing. I should be thrilled to be able to be a part of something so huge and exciting, but instead I’m hunched over the toilet, unable to keep the contents of my stomach where they belong

“Makayla, what is wrong? Please let me in,” Frank pleads, trying yet again to open the door.

This time I let him. I stay curled over the toilet, my forehead pressed to the back of the seat. My fingers curl around the knob, flushing away the evidence of my vomit. I feel the guitarist’s fingers rub over my shoulders, pulling through my hair. He coos gentle encouragements in my ear, trying to get me to calm down enough to explain to him what is wrong.

Eventually, I move away from the toilet, wrapping my arms tightly around Frank. He embraces me, still whispering softly to me, telling me that he’s here if and when I want to talk. For a long while I just sit, curled around Frank’s body, my head resting at the base of his neck. Too flustered and lost in thought to form coherent sentences.

“I don’t think I can dance in that video,” I whisper after what feels like hours.

Frank’s lips meet my temple, “Why love?”

“That’s Gerard’s character, the song was written for our grandmother. Those are two people who are much stronger and much more than I could ever hope to be. People will know who I am. I’m not ready for that. I’ve not danced in years. I don’t even know if I can anymore. What if I work for weeks and I’m still not getting the moves down?” I feel my stomach churn again but refuse to let go of my boyfriend.

“You are just as strong as those people Makayla. You will make the perfect Helena, everyone in the band agrees. Even our new drummer Bob, and he’s never even met you. He agreed based off of what we’ve all said about you. Gerard wouldn’t have asked you if he didn’t think you fit the part. Besides, I’ll be there with you the whole time. If you need to stop and take a break I’ll take one with you. Okay?” Frank encourages me, placing his thumb under my chin and tilting my head up so that I have no choice but to look into his honest and caring stare.

I blink back a few times, biting on my lip. Knowing that everyone agreed with my brother on the decision does make me feel better, as well as knowing that Frank will be there every step of the way. I know that with him next to me and the support of my band family, anything is possible.

Notes