The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

I slowly opened up my eyes from whatever deep sleep I was in, finding myself on the grassy ground. There’s something off about it. It’s not green like it’s supposed to be. It’s gray. Already confused, I sat up, only to find that not only the grass is gray. Everything’s not it’s normal color. Not the trees, or the sky, or even the river ahead of me. Everything’s a neutral shade, like all the colors have been sucked clean from this world. What is this? Where am I? I remember last being in the hospital, lying motionless in a bed as Mikey took my life from me. He did me a favor. He ended my suffering…but what is this world that my soul’s been brought to? Gerard’s here, right? He’s gotta be!
“Gerard?” I called out, standing up. Something’s off about me, too. I looked down at my hands to see that even I am without even a hint of right color. My whole skin is snow white, as white as the hospital gown I’m wearing. Seriously, what the hell is this? Where is Gerard? Where is my sunshine that shines brighter than the dull sun above me that’s hidden by the big black tree behind me? He’s gotta be here! “Gerard, where are you?”
Oh, no…what if Gerard’s not here? What if we are to be separated from each other forever, never again to see each other’s faces? What if Gerard really is gone forever? No…that can’t be! He’s gotta be here…he just has to!
“Gerard! Gerard, where are you? Please tell me you’re here!” I called out, already feeling the tears well up in my eyes. They’re not regular tears, though. They’re black tears that are running from my worried eyes. “Please, Gee…give me a sign! Please tell me you’re here….I miss you so much…,”
Nothing. Not one sign at all. I am alone here, forever away from wherever Gerard may be. I covered my eyes and wept, knowing that I’ll be stuck in this hell forever. Maybe this place isn’t hell, but rather some kind of limbo. It doesn’t matter, though. Anywhere with no Gerard is hell.
“Gerard…oh, Gerard…,” I wept. “I miss you so much…,”
“I missed you too, sugar,”
I nearly dropped to the floor from a heart attack when I heard his voice again. I brought my head up to find him, standing there in front of me as he slowly walked toward me. He looks so beautiful, wearing a black suit and tie, his raven black hair neatly combed, his skin so pale yet so perfect, just like him. He smiled at me as he came to me, now standing only inches away from my now shaking body.
“Gerard!” I yelled, taking him into my arms without any hesitation. I cried and cried, unable to stop the tears running from my stunned and joyous eyes. “Oh, Gerard…I thought I lost you forever! I thought I’d never see you again!”
“Me too, baby…I was worried I’d never see my sunshine again…but here you are,” Gerard said, smiling at me as he brushed my bangs away from my face. “I’ve been waiting for you. Four years I’ve waited for you to come home to me. I’m just happy that you never gave up. After I left you, you kept on living. You walked the world alone without me,”
“But Gerard...,” I sighed, knowing that I sure as hell have given up one too many times, almost taking my own life. “It was so hard. I’ve…I’ve tried to kill myself. I just couldn’t bear the fact that you were gone. I’m so sorry…,”
Giving in, I buried my head in Gerard’s chest and cried, knowing that he must be mad at me for trying to kill myself. I am a failure. I am nothing but a disappointment, just like my mom and dad said. They were right about me. They—
“Don’t cry, sugar,” Gerard cooed, holding me close. “It’s okay. I’ve been in your shoes before. After my grandma Elena died, I tried to do the same. I couldn’t imagine living without her. But I knew deep down she wouldn’t want me to succumb to suicide. I learned to move on and keep fighting. After all, sometimes we do gotta fall before we fly. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person,”
Oh, Gerard…how right you are…how soft-spoken you are with your words…
“You’re…you’re right,” I sniffled. “But here we are now. We’re free to be together, right?”
“Of course we are, sugar pop,” Gerard smiled warmly. “Come with me, Frankie. I have something for you,”
“Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see what it is!” I exclaimed joyously, following right along with Gerard. We walked down a little path to the river, where a blanket and picnic basket waited for us, along with some candles and flowers.
“Here we are,” he sang, leading me to the picnic spot with him, sitting the both of us down. He opened up the basket to pull out a giant chef’s salad for us, along with a bottle of red wine and some glasses for us to drink from, as well as some fresh-baked bread and olive oil. I already feel hungry looking at the delicious food. “Well, let’s chow down, shall we?”
“Yes! I’m starving!” I laughed, taking some salad and bread. I took one of the glasses of wine that Gerard poured for us, taking a long sip of the savory liquor. “This is great, Gerard! Thank you so much!”
“Anything for my sugar pop,” he said, taking a bite of his salad. This really is more than just great. This is amazing! I must be in heaven. But then again, any place where I’m with Gerard is heaven for me, whether it’s in a park or in fucking prison. As I ate my food, I suddenly realized something—will Mikey and the others really miss me? Will my own mom and dad miss me too? Am I really dead yet? I sure don’t feel that way, that’s for sure…
“Hey, Gerard,” I said, feeling like an idiot for getting ready to ask such a dumb question. “Am I…dead?”
Gerard seemed to have taken in my question, thinking and deliberating what to say. He looked down, letting my words sink in. I guess it wasn’t a dumb question, after all…
“Well…yes and no. You’re not really dead yet,” he said.
“What? Really?” I asked, baffled. “How so?”
“Well…do you remember what happened before you came here?” Gerard asked, taking a sip of wine. “Mikey took you off life support and started to smother you with a pillow. That’s when you passed out. Time’s barely passed here. The doctors and nurses are trying to resuscitate you right now. You’re dying. You’re really passing away, and you’re not coming back. It’s not like you can fake your death after all, can you?”
“Really? How do you know that?” I said, wanting to ask millions of questions about how that’s possible. “What is this place anyway? Is this like an afterlife or something?”
“Honestly…I don’t know what it is. It could just be some kind of dream we all see before we actually die, or it could be an afterlife like you said, and this is what we see when we’re passing. It’s beyond me. I do know I was here when I was dying, too…and I saw you. You were holding me and singing to me. It was so beautiful…,” Gerard paused, looking so deep in his own thoughts. “I was in so much pain and I couldn’t stop crying, but when you held me and sang to me, it all went away…,”
“Well, Gerard…I’m happy you went peacefully. You didn’t die in vain,” I smiled, knowing that I was able to make Gerard’s last moments anything but painful and agonizing.
“The same can be said for you. I really do believe everyone will miss us, but…Mikey did the right thing. I couldn’t bear to see you suffer like that. It was all too much,”
“You’re right, Gee,” I sighed, knowing I really will miss everyone, even my own mom and dad. Maybe after all that’s happened, they changed. Maybe now their hatred doesn’t blind them anymore, and they realized where they went wrong. It was their hatred and bigotry that split us apart. I looked up at Gerard, realizing he’s changed too. No longer is he so hell-bent on getting his revenge. No longer is he haunted by his dark past. No longer is he broken. Now he’s happy without a care in the world. The Gerard I’m looking at is not the same basement-dweller that’s full of hatred and a lust for vengeance. This is a different one--a Gerard that’s been fixed…
“Gerard…you’ve changed,” I said. “A lot has changed about you, you know that, right?”
“Yes, yes I do, baby,” he nodded, taking me into his loving embrace as we both laid down to look up at the grey and white sky. “You fixed me, Frankie. Your love for me has put me back together, and for that…I thank you. It was my hatred and anger and fear that broke me, yet your love put me back together,”
“That’s true, Gerard. Hate is what destroys, and love is what fixes. As corny as it sounds, it’s true…,”
“It is, Frankie,” Gerard whispered, leaning his head on my shoulder as he began to hum a little song. It’s a song I remember. It’s a song that we’ve sung to each other before. It’s a song that I definitely already know the name of, and it’s about loving each other and never letting anyone take the light from each other’s eyes.
“Gerard…are you sure we’re gonna be with each other forever here? I’m not gonna leave you when I die, am I?” I asked, just wanting to stay here with Gerard forever, and never leave like I hope not to. I can’t leave him. I can’t be taken away from my love again.
“No, Frankie. You’ll still be here after you die. We’ll be here together forever, baby,” Gerard smiled, holding me close as he kissed my cheek softly. “You’ll always be with me, Frankie. You’ll always be with me in my heart, no matter what,”
I’ll never know what this place truly is. It could all be a dream, or something more. It better be more than a dream, because this is all too good to be false. I am finally with Gerard again, and it feels so amazing beyond words. There’s no time for be to decipher if this really is or is not a dream. Fuck that. I need to forget everything, and just be with him...forever.
“You’re right, Gee,” I smiled back, knowing that I am to be with Gerard, my love, my sugar, my baby, my sunshine, forever in this world, whatever it may be. “Just like I’ll always be the light behind your eyes,”

Notes