The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

I nearly dropped the telephone out of my hands after hearing what the hell Ray just said. Gerard is still alive? How is that even humanly possible? I watched him die right in front of me, and so did Patrick and that EMT Melanie. He was fucking stabbed right in the chest more than once, probably from some other inmate’s shank, or even his own.. He also took some pretty significant damage to the head. How the hell can anyone survive all that? If Gerard did...then my god, is that a miracle. But miracle or not, I know one thing’s for sure--I have got to see Gerard. I need to be with him again. I need to make sure he’s okay.
“Are you serious?” I asked Ray, still barely able to grasp what just came out of Ray’s mouth.
“Dead serious, Frank. I’m calling because, well...there’s some things I gotta ask you,”
Wait a second. If Gerard survived being fucking stabbed in the heart...it’s been four months since that’s happened. Why only now am I being told this? I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been locked up in a cell for so long. You don’t get told anything until you’re released. All my friends and family could have died, and I wouldn’t have been able to learn of that until I was finally let out of the Box. I really wish someone could have told me at least something about Gerard not being dead much earlier. It could’ve spared me a lot of mental breakdowns and nightmares. I guess it’s better late than never, though. I just hope that he’s okay...he’s got to be…
“What do you wanna ask me?” I said, now wanting to jerk every ounce of information Ray could possibly give me. “Because there’s a lot of questions I’ve got too,”
“I understand, but...let me do the asking first, Frank,” Ray sighed. There’s something off about him. I know Ray as being a pretty happy-go-lucky guy...but not here. It’s like there’s something horribly wrong...but I hope to god it has nothing to do with Gerard; god forbid it does. “First off, and probably the easiest...do you want to see him?”
“Yes! Yes, I do!” I exclaimed probably a little too loud, seeing that the officer monitoring our calls just shushed me. I quickly apologized to him, not wanting to be cut off from my call with Ray far too early. “I’ve gotta see Gerard again. Where is he? Please tell me he’s okay,”
“Well, Frank...he…,” Ray paused, sighing again deeply. I can tell by the somberness in his voice that there really is something wrong, much to my dismay. “He’s in the hospital right now. He’s been there ever since...well, you know what happened. I think he wants to see you,”
Wait a minute...Ray “thinks” that Gerard wants to see me? How can someone “think” that someone wants me to visit them in the hospital? Couldn’t Gerard have just said yes or no? What the fuck did Ray do, read his mind?
“Alright...because I wanna see him. I need to! But how can I do that when I’m stuck here?”
“That leads me to my next question, Frank. Do you think you can get a pass to leave the prison on compassionate grounds to visit Gerard?”
That is something to consider. I assume I can only leave this godforsaken place if my behavior’s been good in their books...which is likely far from there, considering I’ve just been released from this place’s equivalent of time-out. It’s gotta be unlikely they’ll let a troublemaker like me go visit my boyfriend in the hospital...but it doesn’t hurt to ask. First thing I’m gonna do when I hang up is ask officer Stump if it’s possible to visit Gerard...on compassionate grounds. Patrick is pretty much the only “nice cop” in this place after all, unlike all the others that are so hellbent on ruling over us inmates with their status of power and authority.
“I’ll have to see about that. I’ll ask if that’s possible. I mean...I did just get out of the B-- oh, wait...solitary confinement,” I said, correcting myself. Ray will have no idea what I mean by referring solitary confinement as “the Box”. He’ll have no idea what I’m talking about, the lucky bastard. “I know a cop here that’s really chill and cool with me. I’ll ask him,”
“Okay, please do,” Ray laughed dryly. “By the way...what did you do to get in confinement? How long were you in there?”
“Long story short…Gerard and I got into a brawl with some guy, which is what resulted in…well, you know what happened to him. I actually just got out today,”
“Seriously?” Ray asked, raising his voice a bit in surprise. “That was over four months ago that happened….Jesus, Frank…,”
“I know. I guess you could say I learned my lesson…,”
Wait a minute…
Something feels off here. Didn’t Ray already know about me being sent straight to the Box--or no, “solitary confinement” right after what happened to Gerard? Has he ever tried to get hold of me while I was in there? Surely he would have if Gerard wanted to see me, right? Ray wouldn’t wait a long time to finally call me about the matter. Ray’s not the kind of guy to beat around the bush like that. I know him all too well, almost as well as Gerard. It’d be the right thing to do in the situation to get ahold of me asap.
“Hey Ray,” I said. “Did you ever try to call me, like...right after what happened to Gerard, like after he was sent to the hospital and all?”
Silence. Not even a yes or a no. It seems like there’s something else going on the line, based on the chit-chat I can hear going on the background. Who’s there with him? Gerard maybe? I hope so. I need to talk to him.
“Oh, sorry about that, Frank,” Ray finally said, sounding a bit...uneasy, should I say? It’s like he doesn’t know what to say, like he’s on the stage for some play in front of a big crowd and he just forgot his lines. “Yeah...I did. Plenty of times. The receptionist wouldn’t even tell me why I couldn’t talk to you. But it’s good I finally got hold you, right?”
“Yeah, it is,”
“Alright then, one last question…,” Ray paused, returning back to his unfamiliar, serious self. “And I want you to answer me honestly on this one,”
“What?”
“Do you...really want to see him?”
“Yes! Of course I do!” I exclaimed, only to be shushed again by the annoyed cop near me monitoring my call. Seriously, what kind of question is that for Ray to ask someone like me? Gerard means literally the whole world to me. Of course I wanna visit him! Hell, I wanna talk to him on the phone too. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to finally hear from me after all this time, because I’m sure as hell am. After all, I just learned of him not being fucking dead! “I am positive I wanna see Gerard. Is he there? You guys at the hospital now?”
“Yeah, but--”
“Let me talk to him, then!”
A sudden noise erupted on the other line, one that doesn’t sound all too pleasant at all--it’s someone yelling, like they’re crying out in agony. It made me jump a little hearing it, so much that I nearly dropped the phone outta my hands again, being the clutz I am. That’s how loud it was. There’s also a commotion going on too, like arguing between a few guys. I can only hope that the guys are alright, especially Gerard. I hope that it’s not Gerard that’s the guys that’s crying out in pain.
“Ray? You there?” I asked, feeling my heart race a bit.
“Yeah, sorry. Can’t talk now. Gotta go. Call me when you have an answer about seeing--”
The line cut off, leaving me with an empty line, the long sustained beep ringing in my ears and my mind. I left the telephone booth, knowing that my fifteen minutes have gotta be up. It’s kinda pointless to call back Ray right this minute anyway. He must have his hands tied down with the incident involving Gerard. I just hope to god, or whatever other superior being that’s up in the sky, that Gerard is okay. I need to see him. I need to make sure the man I love to death is o-fucking-kay. I know now who I need to see in order to get permission to see him-- officer Patrick Stump. I need to stop by his office.
Walking down the hall, I began to venture out on my journey to Stump’s office, being sure to keep my guard up against anyone that’s enough of a jackass to start shit with me. Since Pete’s not around (probably at yet another yoga session, like always), I gotta be sure to not get my ass handed to me. I can’t be seeing Gerard in the hospital when I myself look like I need to be admitted to one, after all.
“Hey, Frank!” A couple voices called out in unison, ones I’ve never heard before. I turned around to find two men I never thought I’d ever hear speak to me-- Tyler and Josh. They both ran up to me, the both of them looking wiped out like they just ran a marathon.
Seriously, though...they just spoke, and to me, no less. I never thought I’d ever hear them utter a word to anyone, let alone to me! What a fucking surprise, huh? The two quiet guys finally decided to speak up!
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked, still shocked from whom I just heard speak right to me for the first time in...well, ever.
“We just wanted to let you know something,” Tyler said. “We wanted to tell you that...your guy, Gerard? We’re proud of him for taking out Cecil. We never thought he had it in him!”
“Yeah, that Cecil guy was a jerk. If we could have a dime for every single time that jag-off picked on us...we’d be billionaires,” Josh chimed in gleefully. “We know Gerard’s not here, but...we wanna tell you guys thank you. With him dead, this place is a little less of a hell-hole,”
Woah, wait a second...how did they know? How in the hell did these two guys know that Gerard and I have a connection? Are the fucking psychics or something?
“Whoah, wait a second…, I said. “How did you--”
“Hey, Frank,” Patrick called out, making me jump when he came up behind me and patted me on the back. “How was that phonecall?”
“It was, ah…,” I paused, trying to put together exactly how it was. It’s left me itching to see Gerard, that’s for sure. “Good, I guess,”
“That’s good,” he nodded, making his way past the three of us. “I’ll be seeing you around. No trouble, okay?”
Come on, ask him, Frank!
“Oh! Wait a minute, hold up!” I said, suddenly remembering what I said I was gonna do after talking to Ray. “Patrick, I got a question to ask,”
“Oh? What’s that?” he asked, turning back. All eyes are on me now, like I’m the center act of a show, with all the lights on me.
“I, ah...I need to ask you something very important. It came up after talking to Ray,”
“Yeah? What is it?”
“Well, you see...I’m not sure if you know this, but…,” I stopped, trying my damndest to get myself together and spit it out already. I’m not sure if he already knows. “Gerard...he’s still alive. He survived, and...Ray told me he’s in the hospital. He has been ever since he was...attacked, I should say. So when Ray called, he asked me if I wanna see Gerard, and I really do so...can I please see him?”
The whole room went quiet, with all eyes still on me. I can tell that Patrick is thinking of whether to say yes or no to the request, seeing his head hung down in deliberation. My chest began to constrict, my heart inside of it starting to beat faster. I’m also starting to shake and sweat. He’s gotta say yes. He’s gotta let me see Gerard. He just has to! I will not take no for an answer! I need to see Gerard. He needs me…
“Come on, man! Let him see Gerard!” Tyler suddenly said, looking like he’s jumping with excitement.
“Yeah, come on, man!” Josh joined in, looking just as enthused over my request to see my lover in the hospital. “You owe him one, Pat!”
“Frank…,” Patrick finally said, looking up at me with a grin on his face. “I knew sooner or later you’d ask,”
“R-really?” I gasped, my eyes widening.
Come on, Patrick! Say yes, please! Please let me see Gerard! It would mean the whole world to me, just like Gerard himself does!
“Yes...because we’ve already arranged a ride for you to go out to see Gerard,” Patrick replied, the smile on his face growing bigger and warmer.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
“Oh...my...god!” I exclaimed, cupping my hands with my mouth. “Thank you so much, Patrick!” Unable to contain myself, I leapt forward, giving him a quick but sweet hug as I wiped away the tears in my eyes. Tyler and Josh stood beside me, cheering for me.
“You’re welcome, Frank. You can call back Ray later and tell him that there’s transportation to the hospital set up for you tomorrow afternoon,” Patrick continued. “We’ll get you set up with some nice clothes to wear too. Be sure to be ready by one, okay?”
It’s actually gonna happen! I’m gonna finally be able to see Gerard! Finally, after all this time of longing for him and missing him dearly...I’m finally coming back to him, where we’ll be together yet again. I know I’ll have to get a good night’s sleep to be prepared for tomorrow, but it’ll honestly be hard to sleep at all without thinking of Gerard, who’s still alive and breathing.
Don’t worry, baby...I’m coming for you!
_ _ _
I was right about last night. I was barely able to sleep well, much to my cynical prediction. I spent the whole night tossing and turning in bed, my mind unable to get Gerard off of it. The only thing I was able to see in my dreams was him, smiling at me from his hospital bed and embracing me warmly, just like he always used to do. I am now less than twenty-four hours away from seeing him, and I'll be honest...I am shaking with both excitement and fear. After all these months of being away from him, I finally get to be with him, never to be separated again. When he gets out of the hospital, he’ll be back here in this hell hole with me, but all that matters is that we’ll be together again. It doesn't matter if we’re back at the house together or in prison together, or even in the fiery pits of hell with each other. Wherever and whenever I am with with him, I am home.
After eating breakfast, getting dressed in a white button-up shirt and jeans, as well as receiving some good luck from Pete, Tyler, and Josh, I headed outside to the parking lot, where I was escorted by Patrick to a bus to take me to the hospital, where Gerard and the guys are waiting for me. It'll be nice to see them again...except for Mikey, that is. Maybe that'll change, though. Considering what turning us in resulted in, maybe he's changed and realized that what he did was a mistake in a way...maybe. But then again, had Gerard not been so hell-bent on his revenge...none of this would have happened, or even the other killings. His hatred and hunger for vengeance ended up getting him nearly killed...and here I am, trying to fix this sick man that I thought I have failed to put back together piece by piece. But I haven’t. Gerard's still alive and breathing...so my mission to fix him is not over yet, even after Cecil and Irvine have been scratched off his list. But I shouldn't sit here thinking with all this “shoulda, coulda, woulda” mumbo-jumbo or focusing too much on the future. I need to focus on the now. I gotta see Gerard, and the others as well.
Before I knew it, we were already at the drop-off at the hospital near the front lobby. After thanking the driver, Patrick and I stepped out and asked the lady at the front desk for Gerard's number.
”He's in room 2317, in the intensive care wing. It'll be to your left when you get up there,” she said, glancing at Gerard's information on the computer monitor screen.
Intensive care? Jesus…
”Thank you,” Patrick said, with something now off about him--the look on his face. He’s no longer smiling, like his usual upbeat self. Something's not right here.
”You alright?” I asked, feeling a sudden pang in my chest. Whatever's wrong, and whatever it may be, is already eating at me.
”Frank...I think you should talk to your friends before you go see Gerard,” he frowned, his face forlorn. “They can explain everything much better than I can,”
...what?
”What do you mean?” I asked as we made our way to the elevator, pressing the 2 button to head up the second floor. “What are you talking about, Pat-”
“Frank...you'll see,” he sighed, leaving me with a million questions in my head. I know for sure I'm gonna see the guys...and I'm gonna turn to them go answer those millions of questions for me.
When we got to the second floor, me and Patrick walked down the hall where we were greeted by a male nurse named Brendon, who walked us to the the door or Gerard's room. Ray, Bob, and Mikey all stood by there, their eyes looking up at me like they’ve been expecting me, of course. That was when me and Patrick parted ways, mouthing me a “see ya later” before he stopped following me down the hall. I swear, there's something very wrong here. Patrick's not happy like his usual self...and the others don't either. Of course, not a lot of people are gonna be all smiles when they’re in a place full of sick and dying people like a hospital, but Ray and Bob should be happy to at least see me after so many months, right? Not Mikey, though. I know he’d hate me being here, but I don’t care--
“Frankie,” he suddenly called out to me (hey, speak of the devil). He ran up to me, his eyes full of worry like he's been fearing for my well-being. He also looks like he's been...crying too, those aforementioned worried eyes of his looking like he's done a good deal of it. “Thank god you're here,”
What? Thank god I'm here, Mikey? You, out of all people, are saying that to me? Whatever. Just please, tell me what the hell is going on here?
“Wh-what?” I stuttered, still stunned that Mikey is actually relieved at the sight of me, knowing what he and I have been through prior to all this. “What's going on?”
“Seriously, Frank...he’s right,” Ray said, his happy and chipper self completely absent, seeing the crestfallen look in his sad, lackluster brown eyes. “It's good you're finally here. We all missed you...and I think the same can be said for Gerard. He needs you,”
“I know he does. I need to see him now,” I said, now finding right now as the perfect moment to start asking questions to these guys about why everyone's so down in the dumps. Gerard can’t be in that bad of a condition, can he? “What’s going on, guys? Why is everyone so--”
“Frank...there’s a few things you need to know before you see him,” Mikey stepped in. “The reason why we’re all like this is because...we went through four months of...oh god, it’s hard to explain,” he stopped, wincing as he tried his damndest to hold back tears. It wasn’t long before he completely lost it, leaping forward and wrapping his arms around me as he wept relentlessly.
“Oh my god, Frank…,” he sniffled. “He’s...he’s not just in really bad shape...he’s...he’s…,”
“He’s what?” I spat out, unsure what to do with the sobbing Mikey in my arms as I felt my whole world around me go gray. “What’s wrong with Gerard? Please tell me he’s gonna pull through--”
“Frank...that’s where you’re mistaken,” Ray said, cutting me off, his voice trembling with discontent like he’s on the verge of tears just like Mikey, as well as the silent but somber and not stoned-out Bob.
Oh, no...oh no, no, no, no…
“Wh-what? What do you mean?” I choked out, still barely able to grasp what Ray just told me, because my mind refuses to believe that Gerard’s dying. He’s not gonna die. Ray and Mikey are lying. They’re just exaggerating. Gerard’s gonna be okay. He just has to be, damn it! “What do you mean I’m mistaken--”
“He’s not gonna make it, Frank...that’s what we’re trying to say, man,” Bob said. “Poor guy’s got machines breathing for him in there,”
No...no, no, no, no, no! You’re full of shit, Bob!
“He’s right, sadly,” Ray added, wiping at his eyes. “Frank...I lied to you when I said I’ve tried calling you when you were in confinement. I haven’t called once. It was for the best--”
“What?” I shouted, feeling myself tremble. That dirty snake fucking lied to me! I was sitting in that goddman prison, mourning over the loss of the one man and I love and care about, and no one has even attempted to tell me anything? Goddamn you, Ray. “Why not? Why would you not--”
“Because, Frank...Gerard’s been in a coma for so long...and we never knew if he was gonna wake up,” Mikey cut me off, coming to Ray’s defense as he backed away from me, his face still raw with tears. “Only recently he woke up, when you were close to getting out of confinement...but with the state he’s in, we want you to see him because we think it’ll make him happy. He’s been hurting so much, and...we think him seeing you will make the hurt in him go away a little. But, from the looks of it, he’s not gonna have very long to live. He could die literally any day now at any second...and we thought that it’d be nice for you two to see each other one last time before he...passes on, I should say. The reason why we never called was because we knew you wouldn’t wanna see Gerard in the state he was in, but...it’s not like he’s in much better shape awake,”
No...this can’t be….Gerard is...gonna die? He can’t, though. He survived getting stabbed in the fucking heart. No one can survive that. I know he’s stronger than that. He’s pulled through so much, and it was all thanks to my help and wanting to fix him. I know Gerard’s better than that. He woke up out of the coma, so he’s gotta be okay, right? Why would Ray and Mikey say that the state he’s in now is no better than him being in a coma, though? That’s just...wrong. Some friends he has…
“What are you guys talking about?” I asked. “If he’s not in a coma anymore...then he’s gotta be conscious, right? He’s gotta be able to hear, see, talk, and--”
“No, Frank. You’re wrong,” Mikey rebutted, still barely able to hold back his tears. “Gerard...he...well, because of what happened to him, being stabbed in the heart and enduring trauma to the head...he’s not the same anymore. The severe damage done to his heart and the lack of oxygen to his brain while unconscious really messed him up...permanently. Gerard’s gone, Frank. This is someone new...someone that I don’t think can hear us, or even remember any of us either. All he does is lie there, screaming and crying at the thin air, and drooling like a baby. He can’t do anything for himself, and his doctor told us he’ll have no chance of recovery, if not barely at all. He can’t feed, bathe, dress himself, or even go to the bathroom. The aides and nurses here take care of him. He’s gotta be bathed in bed, changed, turned and repositioned to prevent bedsores, and fed through a tube. He’s hopeless, Frank. This is what we’ve been trying to tell you, Frank. It was a little less painful to see him in a coma than he is now. He’s also combative with us, too. I can’t tell you how many times he’s freaked out and tried to hurt me, Ray, and Bob. Gerard’s not just broken, Frank. He’s turned into a monster...one that deserves to be dead, as cold as it sounds…,”
I didn’t say anything at all. Everything I just took in has left me speechless, wanting to crawl into a dark hole and die a slow and horrible death. I deserve all of that instead of Gerard, anyway. He’s not the same anymore...he’s really gonna die, isn’t he? I don’t even know how I can take in all of this. I don’t know whether to break down into tears or scream like a maniac and jump out of a window, killing myself. I cupped hands over my mouth, wanting to puke at the thought and sight of some monster replacing everything I knew and loved about the man that is Gerard Way. The terrible things that Mikey just said about him. are now stuck in my head, repeating like a broken record player wired into my mind.
Gerard’s gone.
He’s not the same anymore.
He’s become a monster.
He’s gonna die soon.
He needs me…
“Oh, no…,” I finally said, shaking my head in pure disbelief of all that I just heard. “He's...he's broken again. He really is broken...and I can't fix him anymore...can I?”
Mikey sighed woefully, looking over at an equally as sad Ray and Bob, who all looked back at me. I can tell in their disenchanted eyes that the answer is yes. I really have failed after all...I am a failure that couldn't save Gerard. I can't save something that's now far beyond repair. He’s now not just broken...he's hopeless.
“I'm sorry, Frank...this is all my fault,” he said, wiping at his eyes again. “I didn’t know that Gerard was responsible for killing another person other than the family he killed. I didn’t know you were involved. I caused all of this. I brought this upon my brother. I put him in a terrible place for the rest of his life...and now he’s gonna die. I knew I had to turn him in, because he was clearly a threat to everyone around him, but...I still love him, Frank. I can understand why you hate my guts,”
You know what? I was wrong about Mikey. None of this was his fault. It wasn’t my fault either that Gerard ended up the way he did. I tried to stop him from killing Cecil, but I failed. Gerard was the one that put his love of revenge over all else. He put his hatred above all...and this is what it turned him into--a sick, dying monster with no dignity left to live. This is what hatred did to him. When I brought love into his life in the very beginning and let him know that he wasn’t alone, I was starting to fix him, and as cheap as it sounds, it was my love for him that fixed him...just to have it all ruined by his rage and loathsome nature. Mikey turned Gerard in out of love--a form of tough love, but still love nonetheless. He did it to protect everyone else around Gerard, to prevent anyone from falling into his destructive path...and I was one of those people that joined him on that very same path, making me just as much of a monster as Gerard.
“No Mikey, it’s not. You turned him in out of love. You did the right thing,” I said, placing a comforting hand on Mikey’s shaking shoulder as he cried and trembled. “If you hadn’t turned him in...more people would have gotten hurt. He would have, too. It was his obession that ruined him,”
“His obsession with what?” Mikey asked, looking up from his tear-drenched hands.
“His obsession with revenge. His hatred did this to him,”
We all stayed silent, my own words seeming to echo throughout the hospital hall, as well as all our minds. But I can’t sit here for too long. I have someone in this place to see...one last time.
“So...I guess now you know the state Gerard’s in, and what he’s like now,” Ray finally said. “As I’ve said before, he can’t really communicate effectively. All he does is mumble, cry, and scream. However...we’ve noticed something. He can speak...but very little. It’s only two words he can say,”
“What are they?” I asked.
“They’re...mama, and,” Ray paused, his eyes looking deep into mine. “Frankie,”
Hearing my own name, I felt my heart skip a beat. I was right, and so were the others. He really does need me. He remembers me too. Now I really gotta get in there and see Gerard. I know he’s waiting for me. He’s been crying not only from the pain he’s been in, but for me. It all makes sense now. Now I need to depart myself from the guys. I gotta get in there where Gerard is waiting for me.
Hold on, baby...I’m coming back to you.
“Okay,” I said, starting to part ways with Mikey, Ray, and Bob as I gripped the door handle to Gerard’s hospital room, number 2317.
“Be careful in there,” Mikey said before I finally opened up the door and walked inside.
The room is abnormally dark, with only a few very dim lights on in here. Even the window that’s open doesn’t bring any light to the darkness around Gerard. He’s there in his hospital bed with his eyes closed, a whole bunch of machines all around and hooked up to him to keep his body alive and breathing. There’s a bunch of tubes in his arms, as well as one in his stomach and another one cut into his throat, most likely to help him breathe. It’s like he’s not even alive lying still in that bed. I’ve never seen anyone look so pale and barely alive. But he’s not dead. He only looks that way. However, I think Mikey and the others were right--he is better off dead. No one should be kept alive to suffer like this, especially not Gerard…
I stopped dead in my tracks near the bed, where I started to break down and cry so hard like I’ve never done before. I was not ready for this. He just looks so cold and helpless, and it’s because he’s dying…
No.
This isn’t happening, is it?
This has gotta be a dream, right? I need to wake up. When I wake up, Gerard will be there, smiling over me and telling me good morning, just like he always does. I’ll wake up and it’ll all be over. None of this can be real! It’s just...oh god it’s--
No. This is real. Gerard really is there right in front of be at that bed, the machines around him functioning for his dying self, one of them beeping to record the rate of his weak heart. It’s the only sound that fills this room, along with the hum of the other machines. I can’t even hear my own cries over it or my own beating heart. I can’t stay here, though. Gerard may be asleep, but he’s still waiting for me. He’ll wake up and see me, and he’ll remember me and smile. That’s why he needs me. He’ll say my name, happy to see that I’ve finally come to see him and heal his hurt.
“Gerard,” I said, sitting down on a chair at his bedside, a plethora of cards, flowers, balloons, and stuffed animals beside it, all of them from three people that care about him. I slowly reached out to him, brushing his damp bangs from his perspiring face. He’s just so fucking cold, though. “Can you hear me, baby?”
Nothing. Nothing at all from him. It's not like he heard me at all, or even acknowledged the fact that I'm right next to him. He's definitely out of it. People say that you look peaceful when you sleep. Not here, though. Gerard doesn't look peaceful at all. He looks so sick, the pain just radiating from him. His eyes and cheeks are so sunken too, the poor thing. But he's gotta wake up...he just has to! He has to know I'm finally here for him, after all these months of missing him.
“Gee, wake up...it’s me, Frankie,” I said, shaking him a little. “Come on, wake up, Gee...it's me…,”
Still nothing. I already feel like giving up. I shouldn’t be waking him up, or I might upset him and make him cry, since that’s the only thing that he seems to do, based off what Ray and Mikey told me. I guess now is the time to play the waiting game. I sighed deeply, leaning back in my chair and put my hands in my pocket--
Wait a minute. There’s something in my left pocket of my jacket...something I almost forgot. I remember I wore this black hoodie when I got that letter from Gerard that one day months ago; it’s the letter he told me to hold on to and not to read until he’s “gone”. I never got the chance to read it when I was in the Box, obviously because it was too dark and the wouldn’t even let me wear the jacket in that cold and dark box. Well, in a way, Gerard is gone...just not in the same way as the usually thought of. He’s still alive...but barely. There’s nothing left of him, except for his vegetized, unconscious, and drooling self. I think that now, no matter how too early or too late it may be, is the right time to read the letter. I need to know Gerard’s final words before he vanished for good, never again to come back home to me, Ray, Bob, and Mikey. I gripped on to the piece of white liked paper that’s all folded up, with my name written on it. I slowly opened it up, closing my eyes tight as I did before I fully opened it up to read--
Oh my god...I remember this. It’s something that Gerard has sung to me. It’s that song that Gerard sang to me in the darkest of times.
The Light Behind Your Eyes.
There’s a new part written right below the chorus Gerard sang to me before he fought Cecil; it’s a new set of lyrics that he wrote to me before his judgement day:
Sometimes we must get stronger and, you can’t be stronger when I’m gone.
When I’m there, no longer, you must be stronger, and…
That’s all it was, just two lines at the bottom of the sheet of the song. They’re familiarly spoken words, thought. They’re words that a very special person in Gerard’s life spoke to him on her deathbed, and her name was Elena, Gerard’s grandma. But how can I be strong when the one thing that’s kept me that way is soon to be gone? How can I ever find the will to go on when I have nothing left to live for? Gerard is the one thing that meant the whole world to me, and he’s dying right before my eyes…
“Oh, Gerard…,” I cried, the tears starting to pour from my disenchanted eyes. You’ve gotta wake up. I’ve gotta see you and your beautiful eyes again. You can’t die on me like this. I can’t be stronger without you. I can’t keep fighting when you are gone. I just can’t, Gerard...I love you! I fucking love you, Gerard Way!”
Giving in, I buried my face into Gerard’s chest, letting it all out and crying my weak heart and soul onto his. I’m cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I never wanna let him go, even if sooner or later I’ll have no choice. This really can’t be happening. This really can’t be fucking happening to him!
“Ma...ma?”
I brought my head up, a faint whimper coming from who I’ve been longing to hear from again for the longest time. Gerard’s finally awake. He said mama...one of the only two things he’s capable of uttering. I smiled bittersweetly, seeing Gerard finally open up those dark, foresty eyes of his, those green and brown orbs of his glimmering in the dim light of the room. He’s awake...but he’s still gone.
“Gee,” I choked out, wiping at my tears as I looked into his lost eyes. “Hey there, Gee. It’s me, Frankie,”
“Ma...ma? Mama?” Gerard mumbled, looking up at me in bewilderment as a string of drool ran down his chin, which I promptly wiped up. “Mama?”
“No, it’s not mama...mama’s gone,” I said, feeling like shit for telling the sad truth. He’s gotta remember me, though. He knows my name. That’s what Mikey told me. “It’s Frankie, your sugar pop, remember? Your baby, your sunshine, your--”
“N-no!” he growled in frustration, shifting about as he began to flail his arms in the air aimlessly. It’s clear that I’ve already upset him, being the idiot I am. “Mama! Mama!”
“Gerard, shh!” I shushed him, trying my damndest to calm him down as I reached out to soothe him. “It’s okay, Gee. It’s Frank--”“Mama!” he screamed, reaching forward and grabbing my arm, his nails clawing into it. I winced, pulling back from the pain of Gerard digging his sharp nails into my skin. That actually really fucking hurt, not just physically though. He just wants his mama...even though it should sadly be known to him that she’s been gone for years. I looked at him as he struggled in his bed helplessly, feeling myself cry for him, tears running down my devastated eyes. “Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!”
“Gee, stop it!” I said, finding myself raising my voice at him, reaching out to him to hold him down in my clawed-up arms. Behind him, one of his machines began to deep loudly, indicating something’s gone wrong with him. He fell back, his body curling up in a fetal position as he began to sob violently, clutching at his wounded chest. He’s really, really hurting...and I need to help heal whatever I can, even though I failed to fix him.. I can’t let the pain take that one special thing from behind his eyes.
“Shhh, Gee...it’s okay,” I whispered to him, rocking him back and forth in my arms as he cried and sniffled, having the resemblance of a baby, me being the loving mother soothing it to sleep.
“Ma...ma...ma...ma…,” he whimpered.
“Gerard,” I said softly, opening up my mouth to sing him a lullaby to hopefully soothe him from his pain and suffering. “If I could be with you tonihgt, I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes…,”
“Ma...ma?”
“...I failed and lost this fight…,” I finally said, knowing that what I said was indeed true. That’s when I really felt the tears coming, unable to shed a single one as I held Gerard close to me. I failed to save him. I really have lost the long and hard fight I’ve been in to save and fix Gerard. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I’m--
“Fran...kie?” Gerard suddenly uttered, his eyes gazing up at me in wonder. “Fran...kie, Frankie, no cry…,”
Oh my god...now I’m really fucking crying. He really does remember me! He said my own name! Gerard does remember me! He told me not to cry...but I can’t do that; not after what he just said!
“Never fade in the dark, just remember you will always burn as bright…,” I sang before it all came to a close, ending the last note with a kiss to Gerard’s pale cheek. I finally wiped at my eyes, mine looking deep into his that continued to stare at mine. He now does look peaceful unlike before, his body being cradled into my arms. “I love you, Gerard. I really, really do,”
“I-I...l-luv you too, Frankie,” Gerard said, smiling up warmly at me. I watched him as he slowly shut those beautiful eyes of his. Gerard can fall asleep right in my arms and I wouldn’t mind at all. I’d be with him all night in this hospital room, and until the very end...or until my heart explodes.
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” I sang to him, his blanketed body still close to mine as I rocked and sang him to sleep, just like I said I’d do for him, and never let anyone or anything take the light behind his eyes. “You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away…,”’
Gerard choked under his breath, his body going limp right in my arms as the machines around him began to beep loudly again, meaning that the body they’ve been struggling to keep alive is slipping away. I watched as his whole body went cold and turned lifeless right in my arms, having the resemblance of a ragdoll.
No...this can’t be it...this can’t already be the end...he’s gonna die broken! My sunshine’s gonna be taken away from me forever!
“Gerard!” I screamed, the noise of the loud machines, as well as the sight and feeling of Gerard’s lifeless body throwing me over the edge. “Gerard, wake up! Gerard! Gerard...GERARD!”
Nothing. Nothing at all from him, from the man that I failed to put back together. All the pieces have vanished right along with his very own life. Gerard Way died a broken man, his body in the arms of a heartbroken man--me--who started to scream and cry loudly as the doctors and nurses dragged me away, never again to see the man that’s brought light to my eyes. My very own sunshine has been taken away from me forever...

Notes