Whatever It Takes

Back in my car I locked myself inside to feel a bit safer, still shaking and sobbing now and then. I was in shock. I escaped my own violation just by a hair‘s breadth. Everybody was hurting me nowadays, I felt panic and fear choking me, I needed to smoke, so I tried to light up a cigarette, but my hands shook too much and I put it away again.
For about 10 minutes I just sat there, hugging myself tightly, in and exhaling, trying to clear my mind for now.

At least I got the damn note- I shot a quick glance on the car‘s dashboard to learn it was 16:45, there was still some time, to get to the post office and back home, before Frank would be there! I hit the gas and left with fuming tires.
Fortunately the post office was still opened and very little people were waiting to being served.
„So it’s me again, I found the delivery note“ I smiled half-heartedly at the same lady from before, laying the crumpled delivery note and my ID before her. „Well, well isn’t that something!“ She smiled at me and put her glasses on. „I’ll have your package right here Mr. Iero… She paused, „wait a second, on the delivery note it says, that the package is for Mr. Iero, your ID says, you’re Mr. Way…?“ She looked confused. „Well yeah, uhm, Frank Iero is my boyfriend, he asked me to get the package because he was at work so… Is there a problem?“ As I mentioned the word boyfriend, I saw her face drop. „I’m sorry Sir, but if you’re not married I can’t give you the package, that’s the law“, she stated in a cold tone then leant a little closer to me and whispered „And I truly hope people like you won’t ever get the chance to…“

I looked at her wide eyed, totally taken by surprise, did I really just hear what I think I heard? „Excuse me, but did you just harass me, for my lifestyle?“ my voice was clear and loud, so the people from the queue next to us turned their heads curiously. „I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sir, but I can’t help it, I can’t give you the package.“
„I got the delivery note, and I got my ID, I’m not leaving without my fucking package!“ and with this I jumped behind the counter, starting a desperate attempt to find the package beneath all the others in the back of the office.

„Peter! Peeeter! Throw that man out! He’s trying to steal a package!“, the woman shrieked in a high pitched and annoying voice. The man called Peter darted after me, grabbed me and turned my arm painfully on my back. „Ouch, you don’t understand! I’m not stealing it!“ I tried to explain but he pushed me past the other customers, some of them filming the scene with their phones…
„Sir you’ll stay outside, or we’ll have to call the police! I’ll get you your ID and delivery note and ask you kindly to leave.“ he gazed at me menacing.
„Tell that bitch at the counter she’s a homophobic asshole!“ I yelled after him. After a few seconds he came back thrusting my belongings in my hand and turned around, but I could clearly hear him calling me a ‚punk‘.
„I’ll give you a fucking punk!“ I yelled angrily and kicked into a cardboard standup with their mascot on it and ran back to my car.

Fuck!! I missed it. I really missed that damn package. And now I'd have to return empty handed.. My knees and hands were stained with dirt and grass stains, I was sure my breath smelled strongly of the beer I drank, and it was late..
I was so afraid of going home, that I drove as slowly as I could, parking on the other end of the street so Frank wouldn't hear my car.
I turned off the engine and slumped back in the seat, lighting up my last cigarette and just stared into the dark while occasionally lifting it to take a drag.
Was this really worth it? Being frightened to death by my own boyfriend who kept me as his slave, hurting me all the time... Even if Frank could forgive me someday, I guess our relationship would never be the same.
"Ouch!" I hissed as the ashes of my cigarette fell down on my fingers and burned my skin lightly. I threw my smoke out of the half opened car window and turned the crank to close it, I sighed.
As I checked my cell phone I noticed that Frank didn't call or text me the whole day. I didn't know if this was a good or bad sign, maybe he wouldn't even care if I came back or not.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I saw Frank's and my face, smiling wide from my home display, hugging each other tightly. Frank wearing one of his silly pink plastic tiaras, me looking the happiest I could be.
I clicked on the little camera icon and opened the picture folder. There were so many pictures of Frank and me, laughing, kissing, having fun. In one pic I was sleeping in Frank’s lap, curled up like a ball, while he smiled happily into the camera, I guess this was from our road trip we took last year, when everything was fine and full of love..
"Oh fuck.." I started to cry, sobbing loudly, I put my hand over my mouth and felt tears running over it. I believe I haven’t cried three times a day ever before, a new sad record for me.
Suddenly there was a soft knock on my window and I made a jump, dropping my cell phone to my dirty car mat - a silhouette stood in front of the car, but I couldn't tell who it was in the dark. There was another knock, a bit more urgent and a muffled voice saying my name. It was Frank. I sniffed and wept my tears away hastily, while opening the door.

"Gerard, what are you doing out here?" Frank asked in a tired voice.
"Uh.. *Sniff*.. I was just hanging out here, you know, enjoying the sunset." I bent down to pick up my phone, rubbing the still lit display with the sleeve of my hoodie. Frank's eyes darted over the screen with our picture on it.
"Gerard come inside with me.."
„I can’t- I..I’m..I haven't...." I stuttered, I didn't know what to say to him.
"What? What is it?" he pressed.
"I..wasn't able to get you the package, I'm so sorry" I burst out in tears again. I hung my head, my hands clenching in the fabric of my jeans. "Please don't hit me again, it still fucking hurts.." My whole body was shaking through my sobs, until I felt his hand on my shoulder.
"Come inside Gee, it's okay. Come-" he said in an almost friendly voice.
"Okey" I sniffed, stepping out of my car and locking it.
Frank had already turned away and headed to our house. I hobbled behind him, trying to catch up.
Somehow I was ashamed of my outburst before, I blinked the last tears away quickly as I walked in the house behind him.
"How about we hang out in the kitchen and talk a little, while I'll fix you a cup of coffee" he proposed.
"Sounds good Frankie" I answered, my eyes cast down, my voice still thick from crying.
I slid down behind the table, carefully sitting down on the bench, while Frank already fumbled with the coffee machine and putting two cups on the table.
Frank didn't look at me while he waited for the coffee to run through the machine, both of his hands propped up on the counter.
On the one hand this silence was pretty uncomfortable for me, on the other hand I knew the upcoming talk wouldn't be any better. I rubbed my nose bashfully and started to bite my nails, the delicious smell of fresh coffee made my mouth water.
"Aaalright, there you go" he poured the hot beverage in my cup. Setting sugar and milk aside the cups on the table.
"Thank you" I offered him a weak smile, waiting for Frank to start the conversation.

"What should I do with you Gerard" he sighed, resting his head on his hand, locking his eyes with mine.

"You remember me saying that I'll always know where you are with the collar on?" I nodded .
"There's a GPS chip inside it, that's why I found you in your car.. Yeah.. You know, when I came home and you weren't there, and didn't write me or anything, I checked on your location."
"Well, I told you I missed your package in the morning, it's because I was in bed when the postman rung the door and I was too fucked up to open it." I blushed slightly. " When I saw your message it was already too late and I spent my day just driving around looking for the postman, and when I didn't find him I drove to the post office, but they wouldn't give it to me." I lowered my stare to my still steaming mug, feeling my heart sink.
"Fair enough, but that's not all."
"I've been to the supermarket too", I mumbled, taking a sip of my coffee, my hands starting to shake.
"By the way, I forgot the milk in my car, I'll just go and get it" I got up quickly to flee from further questions, as Frank grasped my wrist, pulling me back down on the bench a little harshly.
"Do you think I'm an idiot Gerard?"
"What? Why would-"
"I saw that you were at the post office twice, not just once. Why would you go there twice when they wouldn't give you the package anyways?"
I looked at him with wide hazel eyes, trying to swallow the big lump in my throat. My hands shaking so bad I had to tuck them between my legs to still them.
"Stop staring and spit it out already, jeez.."
"I can't.." I whimpered.
"What have you done Gee?" His eyes narrowed.
"If I tell you you'll kill me. But it wasn't my fault.. He.. He just stole it from my pocket.. I had to get it back."
"Who?!" he growled.
My mouth already formed the name but I didn't dare to say it out loud.
"WHO?!" He yelled and punched the table with his fist, so both of our mugs jumped, the sugar dropped to the side, decorating the table with white crystals.
"William!" I blurted out and squeezed my eyes shut, ducking my head away.

Silence.

I thought he would hit me but the blow never came. I opened my eyes cautiously, watching him closely.
He leant back in his chair, his arms crossed, suddenly he started to laugh. It was a nasty laugh, scornfully shaking his head lightly from side to side.

"You little cheating bitch. Caught again, huh? Do you enjoy getting in trouble with me? It seems like it" he turned his head to the side.
"No listen, I was at the supermarket picking up the milk, when I met him, I told him to stay away from me, but then he snatched my delivery note and forced me to meet him in the park."

"Well that's why you look like you crawled out of the last hole" his angry smile just wouldn't leave his face.
"Did you get on your hands and knees for him? Did you let him fuck your cheating ass, in the fucking park like an animal!?"

"No!" I exclaimed. "I just wanted the note back.."
"Well, your hands and knees are stained though, so..."
"Fuck, he tried to rape me! He had dragged me down beneath that shitty bridge, but when he saw the welts he just let go, guess I have to thank you then" I spit out while wrapping my hands around my body in defence.

"You must be so disappointed that you couldn't have fun with your sweet lover" he claimed totally straight faced.
"Frank I didn't want to have sex with-"
"Maybe you could put up with my humble self then" he pushed his chair back and came straight for me.

Notes

This doesn't look too good for Gee.. Damn it Frank!

I watched a video from Gerard performing on the Voodoo Festival last year in late autumn, and one person commented "Time Lord" and another person answered "didn't you see the bald spot" or smth like that and I got super super pissed..Yeah I know he DOES age, but I don't think he's really losing hair, he had just a bit greasy hair and with the black hair dye the scalp looks even more pale, so I guess she confused a bald spot with that. Anyways, he looked super handsome as always and the show was really good! You should check that video out (if you haven't already) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbLEs46gE00

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