After a quick shower, which had washed away the grime but not the nagging feelings of guilt which gripped my insides tightly, I headed back to the kitchen to eat up the untouched, now cold eggs which were still sitting on the counter.

I reheated my plate and cup of coffee in the microwave, everything tasting just dull afterwards.

William was sitting on the porn couch, shirtless, his feet on the small couch table and kept switching channels. He didn’t urge me to come over and sit next to him, either he didn’t care for my company at the moment or he understood that I needed space right now.

He looked satisfied and relaxed, a small smile constantly playing around the corners of his mouth. From time to time I felt his quick glances in my back and I could only imagine what he must be thinking.

Certainly he felt like he had finally done it, turned me around, made me forget Frank and in what situation I actually was in. But that was far from it.

I wouldn’t say that I only had in mind to win his trust to attack him later, but having unforced sex with him had surely doubled my chances to get an unwatched moment to do it.
But would I get another situation as good as having him next to my weapon with his eyes closed?

„Hey Gee, catch!“ William exclaimed and waited for me to turn around on the bar stool, tossing his pack of cigarettes over and I caught it one handedly.
„Oh, thanks a lot!“I answered gladly and helped myself. I heard him chuckle and a mumbled „Welcome“.

„Won’t you come over to watch tv with me? I know I don’t get many channels but still. Would be nice.“ William asked hopefully and I shot him an uneasy look, the cigarette dangling from my lips.

„I dunno, Will… This couch, I… don’t fell too good sitting on there.“ I answered truthfully and he frowned.

„Gee, I promised you there won’t be any action today. Come over, it’s harmless.“

I sighed and turned around again, grabbing my empty cup of coffee. „Fine, but I’ll have another coffee.“

„Make it two.“ William smiled and crossed his arms behind his head, sinking further back down into the black leather.

A couple hours passed and I felt myself getting bored and my stomach grumble again. The eggs hadn’t really done much to stop my hunger, after all I was used to eat a lot more, well snack throughout the day.

William had told me before, that there wasn’t anything in the fridge, and I didn’t want to ask him for food either.
As he switched channels to a cooking show, I stood up quickly and announced that I needed to catch some sleep, it wasn’t a lie anyways, I felt pretty tired from this exhausting morning.
William seemed disappointed but didn’t try to make me stay, so I headed straight for the bedroom and snuck back under the blankets.

It smelled like cum and stale air, but I didn’t complain. William hadn’t felt the need to chain me to the bedpost again and that certainly was something.

I used my safe bet to go to sleep quickly, which was closing my eyes, breathing deeply and imagining different colours. This helped because I was so focused on these simple tasks that neither Frank nor my disturbing surrounding made their way into my brain and I drifted off calmly.

My subconscious however didn’t let itself be tricked so easily and of course I awoke a few hours later, sweaty and disturbed, clutching the sheets, panting heavily. It had been a horrible dream.
I dreamt about the floor board beneath my bed, every time I had the chance to attack William it felt a hundred tons heavy and my weak arms couldn’t raise it. There had been blood, lots of it and finally I couldn’t move at all, or speak as Frank stood directly in front of me, looking around, screaming my name, as if I was invisible.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I pressed my shaking hands over my eyes. Little whimpering noises escaping my hoarse throat.

A loud knocking made me sit up quickly and wipe my tears away. I expected William to enter the room, but instead I heard the sound again, this time more urgent and I went over to open the door myself.
Questioningly I peeked outside, noticing that it didn’t came from the bedroom but the front door.
I saw William, who, with fast and loud steps walked over in my direction, his face fearful and determined.

„Will, what’s-“ I shrunk back a bit as he strode nearer.

„Shhh!“ He hissed and put his palm over my mouth forcefully to silence me. In a fluent movement he turned me around and pressed my back to his chest, his hand still pressing hard onto my mouth.

„Listen up, I don’t know who’s outside the door, but you’ll be nice and quiet Gee. I’ll go over and open the door, and when I’ll hear a single peep from you, I’ll fucking kill you with my own two hands and afterwards I’ll kill Frank- take this as a warning! Now keep silent and nothing will happen at all. Go back into the bedroom and hide. I’ll get you when- “
The knocking grew louder.

„Coming!“ William shouted out and shoved me inside the bedroom harshly, slamming the door close and I fell down on my knees painfully but managed to suppress a groan and crawled into a corner. Wrapping my arms around my hurting legs I listened closely to what was happening in the next room.

This was so hard on me, If there was somebody at the door who could help, I could be free in a few minutes, if I just screamed for help they’d notice me for sure.
But if it was just one of William’s friends he’d surely punish me brutally for disobeying his orders and may even harm Frank…I couldn’t risk that and wasn’t that eager for more pain.
So I sat there in the darkness, clutching my hurting knees, keeping my mouth shut, trying to be not too desperate about the situation in general.

Suddenly the door swung open and William stuck his head inside. „You can come out if you want to, it’s just Dan. Fucker scared the shit out of me…“ William grumbled and rolled his eyes, vanishing from the door.

I felt my heart sink. Somehow I had hoped that the police would be standing outside the door, arresting William, or something like that. And now it was just Dan, the person I needed to see the least.
Wondering what he was doing here, even though William had cancelled on the shoot, I approached the living room shyly.


As I walked in I saw the two men talking vividly, Dan seemed to be swaying, he had a bottle in hand, which was dangerously close to be dropped by it’s owners sloppy hands, William’s mimic was unwelcoming and he had his arms crossed.
I saw Dan reaching a sheet out to William who took it with an annoyed look and walked over to the couch to sit down.

„I’ve got one for you too.“ Dan snickered and crumpled a second sheet of paper to a ball, tossing it at my head and as it recoiled I got onto my knees, picking it up and unfolded it without even being bothered or surprised by Dan’s hostility.

My hands started to shake again as my eyes fell on the black and white picture printed on the paper.
It was me.
I looked at my smiling face and the bold headline above- Missing!
Quickly I continued reading and felt my heart almost stop at the last couple of lines.

„Gerard, wherever you are, I want you to know that you can always come home again and that I’m sorry for being such an idiot and that I didn't believe you. I miss you every single day and I love you, forever- Frank. Please come home!“

I felt as if somebody had ripped open the windows to the dark and cold room I was trapped in, letting beaming sunlight illuminate the emptiness and fear, warming me, washing away my bitter thoughts and pain.
Frank was looking for me! And more importantly still wanted me to be his boyfriend, and to come home again. He said he loved me. I felt so happy and so relieved. Tears dripped down on the paper and I pressed it to my chest, hugging this piece of Frank tightly. He had hung this sheet somewhere, worried to find me, he had touched this piece of paper with his hands.

„Great.“ William stated dangerously calm, his eyes darted over to me, while I was hugging the sheet tightly to my chest, with tears of joy and big smile on my face.

„So, Dan, you needed to come over even though I told you to stay away for today. You needed to come over and show me this..this rubbish.“ William growled and ripped the paper to pieces.

„Whoah -watch it William! I brought you this for a reason. They’re looking for you. So you should better watch out how you’re talking to me, I might be your only connection to the outside world soon…“ Dan glared at him, taking another sip from his beer.

„I had him where I wanted to and now…you’ve given him hope again.“ William jumped to his feet, rushing over in Dan’s direction, his face was distorted by anger.


„You stupid motherfucker! You’ve ruined everything again!“ William yelled and grabbed Dan at the neck, punching the shocked man harshly into the stomach.

Dan groaned in pain and dropped to his knees, the bottle rolling under the couch table and spilling it’s content. Dan croaked curses as he clutched his hurting stomach.

„And you!“ William growled angrily and pointed his finger at me. He strode nearer and I shrunk back against the wall, scared of getting punched as well.


„Gimme that!“ William tried to grab the sheet of paper, but I turned away covering the sheet with my body.

„NO! You can’t take it away!“ I yelled and struggled as his hand grabbed for this most precious piece of paper.

„Give it to me or you’ll be very sorry, Gee!“ William growled and turned me around painfully, so I was on my back now. Still I tried to curl up into a ball so he couldn’t get the sheet.

„Stop, you’re tearing it apart!“ I pleaded, but he wouldn’t listen of course.

„That’s my intention, bitch!“ William yelled and finally ripped the sheet out of my hands.

„Yeah, then take it! Frank will be here soon anyways!“ I screamed angrily at William and kicked out, trying to reach anything of him I could.

„He’s gonna kick your ass, and then the police will arrest you and they’ll let you rot in jail for years and years!“ I spat, still raging on the floor trying to hurt the man who was still towering over me.

„Shut your fucking mouth! You dare to speak to me like that, huh!? I’ll teach you, fucking slut!“ William screamed at me, his eyes crazy and hateful as he grabbed me at my tousled hair and backhanded me several times hard, making my lip bleed and soon I felt dizzy and sick as I tasted my own blood.
The pain was overwhelming me until I couldn’t move or struggle against the ongoing slaps, when out of nowhere it stopped and William groaned.

Dan had smacked him with the empty bottle right over the head. William sunk down to the floor, unconscious.

„That serves you right. I’m fed up with being your second choice, you bastard.“ he spat at the unconscious man before him, delivering a harsh kick into the already limp man’s ribcage. I heard something crack and a low groan from William, who remained motionless nevertheless.

Slowly Dan’s eyes wandered up to me, a nasty smirk spread across his face.

„Oh Gerard, everything’s going down and you’ll be the winner, right? Making both of us go to jail when you’re outta here…“

I didn’t reply, just stared at him fearfully. I didn’t feel my burning face or bleeding lip, just the rapid beating of my heart, adrenaline was rushing through my veins, what would be his next move? Would he hit me as well, after all he still gripped the bottle tightly in his right hand…
I swallowed and kept staring back wide-eyed.

„I met your boy today. Yeah, Gerard- face to face.“ Dan grinned and kept his eyes glued to mine. „He and this other guy, this lanky babyface, they tried to hold me down, so they could call the police…“

„M-Mikey?“ I asked silently.


„But do you want to know what I did? I had a knife with me…“

„No… no-o…“ I stuttered, I didn’t want to hear this sentence end.

„Yes, slut, I stabbed your boy. Frank is dead.“ Dan’s smirk was now the widest it could be, and he laughed, his voice so cold and dangerous.

„That’s a lie!“ I screamed and got to my feet, keeping me steady against the wall, my legs were shaking badly and felt kinda numb, terrible pain shot through my head that made me cringe.

„Well, you don’t have to believe me, but I know what happened. And now, I think I will end this little talk.“

„Wait- w-what are you doing“ I stuttered, walking backwards with defensively raised hands into the bedroom, keeping my eyes between Dan’s face and the bottle in his hand.

„I’ll take you home with me. And make you my bitch, through the website I’ve gotten the contacts of lots of horny guys that would pay a fortune to use you. Even more than we would make off the videos.They’re into this brutal kind of stuff, they would give their right arm to fuck your cute ass raw, Gee.“ Dan snickered.

„Y-you can’t do t-that! What about William?! He won’t let you do that to me!“ I’ve turned white as a ghost at those horrid perspectives for my future. I couldn’t let this happen, I needed to fight now. Even if I’d die right now, what would be my life anyways if he hadn’t lied about Frank…

„What about William? He wouldn’t dare to do anything, people are looking for him and he had his chance with you, I’m just going to steal you, use you for my own intentions.“ Steadily he came closer and closer and my legs hit the bed stand, I sunk down to my knees in front of him, shivering fearfully, but knowing that my chance to strike was near…

Dan smirked again as he saw me trapped in the corner, he enjoyed my fear and desperation, as usual. „Sleep tight, Gee. And when you’ll wake up, things will change a little, you’ll become the best paid whore ever, just you won’t see anything of this money and be happy if you’ll get to eat once every day…“ and he raised the hand with the bottle higher ready to swing at me.

In this very moment a switch in my head flipped to ‚action’ and I reached out to the floor board beneath the bed, grabbed it with both hands tightly and with a scream of despair I rammed the sharp edged side into Dan’s stomach.

Both of us froze as if we’d turned to statues. Nothing moved except for the empty bottle, that fell out of Dan’s hands and onto the floor with a loud ‚clonk‘ and shattered.

Dan’s eyes were torn open, disbelief and pain speaking from them boring their gaze into mine. His mouth was opened wide, but not a word came out.
Shivering he raised his hands and gripped on the board, trying to pull it out of his body, but the rough wood seemed to be too tangled up in his insides.

The floor board got drenched in blood from his desperate movements and the warm crimson liquid was now running over my hands, which were still grabbing the wood for dear life.

Suddenly Dan coughed, it was a nasty gurgling sound of agony and droplets of blood splattered over my pale face. I turned my head away quickly, and flinched as in the next moment all of his weight dropped down onto me.
The other end of the wood bored into my thigh and I screamed in pain and disgust as the lifeless body fell into my direction right on top of me.

His face was so close to mine I could smell the odour of cigarettes and beer still fresh on his breath. Disgust shook me as more blood dripped from his lips and onto my clothes. With all the strength I got I heaved the body off me and Dan rolled to the side and remained face down on the dirty floor.

I sat there for a while, rocking my body back and forth with my head in my bloody hands, staring mindlessly into nothingness. My breathing was shallow and erratic.

I just killed a man. I just… I killed… I’m a m…. a murderer. I’m a fucking murderer. I’m a monster, I need to get out of here, I need to get away… I…I feel so sticky, I’m covered in blood. How do I get out of here. I need, I need a car, please, I need to flee.

My mind was in a haze as I stumbled into the living room. Hardly able to put one foot in front of the other.
Far, far away I took in William’s silhouette, which was still lying on the floor. I heard a constant buzzing in my head, thousand voices screaming incoherent orders, I felt sick, so sick, but I couldn’t stay a second longer in this flat.
The car keys were hanging on the small key holder next to the door, I grabbed them. I turned the key to the flat’s front door, it was easy, suddenly so easy.

I stepped outside without shoes or a jacket, I made my way down the stairs, slowly, so slow, so scared someone would follow behind me, but I couldn’t walk faster anyways. Something was pulling on me, trying to hold me back, trying to lock me up again in this flat, this flat covered with blood. Where I… I.. where I killed a man. I have murdered somebody. There’s a corpse upstairs.
This face, this eyes, so much blood. I need to get away faster, please walk faster.

I felt so numb, didn’t feel the pain in my thigh, didn’t feel the cold asphalt beneath my feet or the shard that tore the skin of my left foot up.
I pushed the button on the car key’s remote, some lights to my right blinked, I stumbled to the car.
I locked it from inside, my eyesight blacking out from time to time, I pushed the gas pedal and drove off. I didn’t know this part of town, but I was quick-thinkingly enough to follow the signs.

Just follow the signs. Take me home, lead me home, please. I felt as if my body had been switched to auto pilot, stopping in front of traffic lights, passing other cars, indicating where to go, all happened automatically, I didn’t feel a thing I just operated.
Then I knew again, I knew where I was. Frank, I thought, I’ll be holding him in a couple of minutes. He is not dead. No, I know it, he’s alive. He’s alive and well, I’ll be there in just a few minutes.

There was our house. The house I thought I’d never see again. I was at home, at home…

The driveway was occupied with another car, so there was no space for me but I didn’t care, I parked on the lawn. My shaking hands opened the door and I almost dropped to the ground.
I saw light going on in the living room, I heard a door being slammed open, my hazy eyes could see someone running, running so fast, I heard my name being called.

This voice, it was him.

With a loud thud another body crashed into mine and I stumbled backwards onto the grass. I didn’t hurt my head, because a warm hand was protecting it from the fall.
I felt his face in the crook of my neck and tears were soaking my already sweaty and bloody clothes. He whispered my name next to my ear, a hundred times, his arms embraced me tightly, as if not I could be taken away again.
He was so warm, I smelled this certain smell I had missed so much, I was held by the person I loved most, I was at home. I could spend the whole night lying on the grass beneath this strong body, everything was whole again.

„I can’t believe it Gee, you’re home. I was so worried, I thought they’d kill you after I let those bastard get away.“ Frank breathed and kissed my face after every sentence, stroking my hair softly, I hadn’t experienced him so tender in a long long time.


„I prayed for you to come back, I’m so happy, I can’t even describe it. Baby, I love you so so much…This will never happen again, I’ll protect you, you don’t need to worry, I’m here for you Gee, I promise.“ Frank’s hasty words were soothing my wounded soul, and I felt so relieved to hear all that.

His strong arms had wrapped around me once again, holding me so firmly I couldn’t move at all, but then again, I did’t want to move anyways, this was the place I wanted to be.

„F-Frankie…“ I croaked, a couple minutes later, it was the first word that came out of my mouth since we were lying here.
Frank pulled back a little to look at my face in the darkness. I could only see his eyes shining warmly, „Baby?“ he asked silently with a beautiful smile on his lips.
„Frankie I’m s-sorry.“ tears were welling up in my eyes, falling down in the next second. „I’m so sorry, If I just hadn’t been such a c-coward and walked back to you that night. If I just had apolog-“ „Shhhh, no more of that, Gee. You don’t have to apologise at all. It was all my goddamn fault.“ Frank said bitterly and pulled me closer to his chest, kissing my hair over and over.

„You did nothing wrong, I love you so much, Gee. Come, come inside with me“ he pulled me up in a sitting position. „Don’t want you to be catching a cold on the cool ground, baby.“ Frank made a move to carry me inside, but I felt like I was on the verge of losing it.


„I-I don’t feel g-good at all, Frankie.“ the short moment I had closed my eyes I had seen this face before my eyes again. The blood dripping from the man’s lips, the shocked expression, heard the gurgling sound from Dan’s throat. Oh my god, what have I done…

I quickly turned away from Frank, vomiting the little I had in my stomach onto the lawn, losing consciousness, falling into strong and safe arms. Drifting off…

Notes

<3