Swing Love Away

*Gerard's POV*

Just another ordinary day. Just another day of emptiness. If nothing made sense, if no one cared... why not spend another evening on innocent self destruction? As usual, after my shift i went to the pub in hunt for a stoned girl to spend the night with and some dope... Well I knew people who could just give it to me. Sometimes ask for a favour... Well, it all was just a monotonous routine. Night shifts as a security in random pubs, flirting with girls, dragging them home. No sense of guilt, no emotions. It seems like everyday is the same... This evening was no different. I entered the pub, came up to a bar and spotted a good looking girl with short dark hair and a lip piercing, which somehow I took particular notice in. I never knew how girls could find me attractive, well... Usually an hour of conversation and drinking together was enough to drag them to my bed. This time was no different. I was already holding the girl's hand in mine while opening the door to my little apartment in the suburbs of the city. I was a bit stoned, the girl kept giggling... I couldnt even remember her name. Not like it mattered. But somehow her smile reminded me of distant memories, when something still mattered. But this period was long gone.
- Ohhh, Gee open up the door already, I urgently need to undress you...
She suddenly stopped my thoughts by violently pressing her lips to mine, I bit her lower lip while turning the key in the keyhole in my door. I slipped my tounge into her mouth, held her hips, roughly pushing her into my apartment. I shut my door with my feet, biting her lips and slipping my hands under her t-shirt. The girl purred into my mouth, then I started taking her t-shirt off, what parted out lips for a little while. Everyday i wished for some emotions... Yet, everyday it was just pure lust. Just a need for pleasure. Practically, the only emotion that was left in me. Routine, yet addictive. But well, a girl wasn't enough anymore... I needed another kind of fix. Mixture of both the drugs and sex was the only thing that could satisfy me now. I felt the girls hand unzipping my fly.
- Wait, sweety not yet. I've brought something specially for you.
My words sounded so sweet and emotional... Like i really wanted to give her pleasure, make her happy... But really? I didn't give a shit. When have I become such a good actor? I reached out to the pocket in my jacket, where I put the stuff i got from the dealer. Good stuff. For just one night spend with him... not a big deal. Practically for free. I smirked while taking out the cocaine. The girl's smile suddenly dissapeared... Which for a second reminded me of his smile. No Gerard, no regret, no emotions. You're emotionless.
- Gee, no I can't...
She sounded so confused, however I knew she wouldn't protest for long... He made sure she drank enough. I laid her softly on the bed and gently held her face, giving her the sweetest smile I could. Which unfortunately meant nothing.
- Don't worry, sweetheart. I promise you it'll feel... great.
Ups, my voice cracked. Shit, why did it feel so weird. However she didn't seem to notice the false tone... she smiled brightly as I sprinkled the cocaine on her breasts.
- Okay, Gee just be gentle.
She giggled and smiled brightly... And then i felt my heart sink a bit. Why was her smile so similar to his... And the mouth piercing. Come on Gee, no emotions, no regrets. You've done it bilion times before. I took out the last banknote I owned and inhaled the drug... Oh, that felt good. Yeah, that's the way Gee. Everything's okay the way it is.
- Aw, that tickles Gee!
She giggled again, smirking and pulling me to lean down and kiss her... I didnt refuse. I kissed her passionately and slipped my hand under her skirt. She violently took off my jacket and t- shirt. I looked into her hazel eyes, full of lust, eyes so full of life and emotions... Somehow I envied it. I wanted to break her down. So, i stopped kissing her and gave her some cocaine. She inhaled it readily. That was so easy... Fuck. Just for a little while i saw his face. Goddamn cocaine, take effect already... I don't want to flashback to come again. I leaned down to kiss her again, this time more lustfully... oh yeah, the drug finally starts to take its effect. We undressed each other and then our bodies met... and everything went blurry. Her moans, my moves, everything seemed so distant. For a while, just for a while i looked into those hazel eyes, oh so full of life... and then it hit me. I had to look away, so I closed my eyes... But it didnt go away.
- You can open your eyes, Gee!
I felt Frank's hands in mine dragging me somewhere. He forbid me to look, and I listened... like a puppy depending on it's owner. I waited a while and opened my eyes. For a while the bright lights were blinding me but then I saw his eyes... Frank's hazel eyes, and his geniune smile and his fingers pointing in the direction of his desk. We were in his room. I looked up to his desk and saw a wrapped up present. I couldn't help but smile brightly.
- What's the occasion, Frankie?
I laughed shyly. I was confused, I didn't know how to react... No one ever did something like that for me... Oh, Frankie you make me happy.
- Ehm... none, you see... I, just wanted to make you happy, ya know...
He blushed slightly, probably not knowing what to say. I couldnt help but smile at this sight. I came up closer and kissed him gently. His lips were so soft, I could kiss him forever... And his lip piercing made them look even more sexy and attractive. I stroked his hair gently... I was really happy, for the first time in my life. I could experiance this emotion only with him. He somehow managed to get into my heart of stone and make me happy... Sadly, I was still yet to discover how to show my emotions.
- I AM very happy and glad Frankie.
...Was all I could say... However, Frank seemed satisfied with just that. He smiled and bit his lip softly.
- Open it up, Gee.
He hand me the present, and at first i looked at it carefully... I had no idea what that could be... It was a big, heavy rectangle wrapped up in red paper... I opened it up slowly. And in my hands was the most expensive pack of pencils, black pens and a big sketchpad in black-leathered cover. God, Frank knew me too well... in my hands was all I could ever dream of. Drawing was practically the only thing i was good at. But, fuck, this things must've been damn expensive...
- Fr-Frankie... you, you didn't have to...
I stuttered. I was shocked, positively shocked. No one ever made me feel this way...
- Oh, Gee you know i had to. I love you.
Frank put his arms around my neck and pulled me closer. My heart started to pound faster, my thoughts went blurry. Oh, how I desired him. I stared at his beautiful features, starting from his perfect lips to his lively eyes. I wish I could tell him how i felt towards him... How he gave my life sense, how i wanted to touch him right now, how he made me a better person. However, an 'I love you' wouldn't be enough... I couldn't express myself, I could never express my feelings. I was scared of making an everlasting promise, which was love. I didn't want to hurt Frank, deep inside I knew he deserved better then me... But i couldn't runaway from those lively hazel eyes - so I gave in and pressed my lips against his and carresed them softly. To my surprise Frank withdrew and whispered into my ear...
- Gerard, will you open your second present?
He looked at me seductively and started unzipping his shirt... And I totally lost control. I lost my conscience. I knew i would give in. And it happened. This night a promise was made... An unbreakable promise, everlasting promise, promise that would eventually tear us apart.
I opened my eyes. I looked around searching for the familiar face, familiar touch... his touch. But all i found was a girl lying next to me. Reality hit me hard. Still, I couldn't get rid of Frank's features and the memory... I felt a sudden urge. Not fully controlling myself I stood up, totally naked, and reached out to my desk, searching for things buried deep in my drawers.
- Gee?
I heard a disorientated voice of a girl calling my name. I didn't anwser. I threw all the things from my desk around the room in search of something really significant which I hadn't used for two years now.
- Gee, what are you doing?!
Exclaimed a terrified female voice. However it didn't stop me from throwing things around. I also didn't bother anwsering. I felt really anxious, as if something was controlling me. Finally on the bottom of my desk i found what i needed. A sketchpad covered in black leather. I sighed with relief, with my shaking hand I reached for a pencil. He was still on my mind... I needed to get a fix. I knew I needed to draw him. I hadn't held a pencil in my hand for two years, however when i started drawing it all came back to me... I drew his beautiful features almost automatically. Once, I used to draw Frank a lot. His angelic face was a perfect one to draw.... Yes, I was a really good actor. So focused on ignoring and hiding my emotions that I even managed to convince myself that im an emotionless robot... But I still thought of him. I always knew he would be the death of me. Oh, Frank... I miss you. But I know you're better off without me.

Notes

Hey guys <3 this is my kind of first fanfiction... also english is my second language so im really sorry for all the mistakes... I hope you'll enjoy my story <3 i promise i will try to make the next chapter longer, if u wish ^^