I Slept All Through The Day
I could never be what you needed of me
Late at night you come around
I can hear the engine running
The feeling started again, out of nowhere, while I was listening to demos for another enthusiastic, young band. My body was on autopilot as I was trying to listen to the screaming and the out of tune guitars, but not really. My head wasn't in it. I turned off everything and left the studio room. Maybe it was just time for a smoke break. I walked through the empty house and through the kitchen, grabbing myself a beer out of the fridge on my way out the back door. It was 9:30 at night and the sun was finally starting to set. I sat on the back steps and set my beer down, reaching into my pocket for my pack of cigarettes. I took one and put it inbetween my lips and brought my lighter to it, straining my ears a little to hear that satisfying burn of the paper. I inhaled the smoke and felt it burn the tip of my tongue and released the smoke. I reached for my beer beside my and opened it, taking my cigarette in one hand and taking a large drink.
Neither of these things did anything to calm my nerves. I took another drag, this time I held it and pushed the smoke through my nose. I sat there for a while on those steps long after I finished my beer and cigarette. I lit up another one and smashed the can and through it against the shed in the backyard. It was starting to become dark, but the moon was enough that I could still see.
All the sickness in this town kept the dam from flooding
I ran a hand through my hair and yawned looking at my neighbors. They seemed to have busy lives. Most days I could hear the older couple in the small white, house with the picket fence on my right. The husband gets up at 5 A.M. For work. The wife, I don't really know what she does. Both of their kids moved out some time ago, and now they have the house to themselves. The house to the left in their green, one story house was a large family with little kids. The kids always got dropped off by a yellow bus at 3:30. I could always hear those kids play in the drive way where a miniature basket ball hoop stood. Both households were most likely both getting ready for bed. It was a Sunday night and everyone was getting ready for another week of work. Here I am sitting here. I can hear James Dewees' words from this morning before he left to visit his family. "Frank, I'm leaving. If you need anything just give text me or give me a call, okay? Please do something while I'm gone." He'd said that last sentence very quietly as if not to anger me. He used to get pissed off at me whenever I refused to get out of bed. Now it seems he just resulted to begging. I think he might have texted me earlier but I haven't checked my phone since this morning. I didn't want to look at my phone because of one person in particular. I remember everything that happened last night.
Is it right or is it wrong?
I looked at the driveway and remember my heartbeat picking up when I saw the familiar black cat sitting there. The engine was still running. I waited, stood frozen in the kitchen, just looking out the window at the car. It was late but he was still here. The engine finally shut off and I watched a black figure walk up the front door and knocked. I sat down my cup and opened the door. I took a deep breath and opened the door. There stood Gerard Way. His face hid nothing and I could see him fidgeting in the doorway. I stood back, inviting him in and shut the door behind him. Once I turned around I realized that I had turned all the lights off and we were standing in complete darkness. I don't know, maybe it was better that way now that I think about it. Last night, in that moment though, I walked into the kitchen and turned the light on.
"You want some coffee?" I asked him while grabbing another cup out of the cupboard anyway. Gerard Way always said yes to coffee. I filled the cup and went to give it to him, but he was already standing next to me. Up close I could see the the bags under his eyes and his face was paler than usual. He looked as bad as I did. I offered him the cup and he took it.
"Thanks." He had said, and I gave him a nod. I took my cup and sat at the kitchen table. It was a minute before Gerard took a seat next to me. I knew he had something to say, why else would he have came? It took him a while to say it, but eventually he spat it out.
"I don't think I can take it, Frank." He had said to me.
"What can't you take?"
"It hurts all the fucking time and I done know what to do. Every time I pass a liquor store the ache in my chest just gets worse."
Gerard Way is an alcoholic. He's stressed out. I know why, but he chose not to tell. I was surprised that he came to me in the first place.
"You're doing great, Gerard. You have so many people supporting you. We all know you can get through this. Even if you do relapse, it's a part of recovery, Gerard. Don't ever think we would just give up on you. Are you still going to those AA meetings? Do you have a sponsor?"
"I-I don't have a sponsor. Things have been getting so busy and I don't have a lot of time to go to the meetings."
"Maybe that's what you need, Gerard. Maybe you need a break.. Why don't you go stay with Mikey? I know Mikey would love to have you. He cares for you so much, Gerard."
It hurt that he wouldnt acknowledge what had happened a few nights ago. I remember it hurting in my chest and I just waited for him to talk.
But he didn't. Gerard Way broke down in front of me. I watched his eyes, they were a broken floodgate and everything came crashing out of him. He was sobbing and my immediate reaction was to take him in my arms. I expected him to push me away but he leaned against me. He was making incoherent sentences so I just held him though it. Apparently, he got so loud I saw James come around the corner looking half asleep. When he saw Gerard his face quickly turned into one of concern. I motioned for him to give us some space and he left shortly after. I rubbed Gerard's back and he quieted down. He started to rub at his face so I got up to grab a box of tissues from the living room. I sat it on the table in front of him and sat back down. He took a few tissues and blew his nose. I just waited for him.
Is it anything at all?
"What are people going to say about me, Frankie?" He said so quietly I wouldn't have heard it had I not been waiting for him to speak.
"I can't control what people say, Gerard. You're not a bad person. This doesn't shape how things are going to be for the rest of your life."
"Yes, it does," Another round of tears come back, "I hurt everybody I get close to. I hurt my parents. Mikey, Bob, Ray. You." He looked up at me and l could see the sadness. I wouldn't quite call it guilt but there was a slight sense of remorse, I would accept it, because this wasn't some fake Gerard that everybody knew. This was the open Gerard that I fell in love with.
"I don't hate you, Gerard. "
"But you're not happy with me either."
"I'll be honest, Gerard, you make me angry. You never say what you feel and... You just... Run. And I'm impulsive. I get that. Im an asshole."
"I'm so sorry, Frank. I just. I don't love you. I can't give you what you want.
Is it weak or is it strong?
After that I just blocked everything out of my head. He cried a little more and then we started arguing. I don't even remember what it was about. I didn't even cry. My chest ached but that was the only indication of what happened. Put everything aside for Gerard. I do that a lot, for my friends. I focus on them to forget how fucked up my life is. When Gerard came into the picture I just focuses on him. It was easy to do that. It was easy to forget everything else when I was with him.
When did I begin to fall?
I thought I could do it and keep it together. I no longer had any motivation. I knew I was getting bad but I was too tired to stop it. Everything got so bad and I didn't know how to stop it. I managed to fuck up one of the most important relationships I had.
There's something between us
Id rather not say
Something, circumstance
I kissed him. That's all I did. When he kissed me back I was so happy. When I kissed him again, he told me that it was only a one time thing. I was quiet after that. I kept my distance. He tried reaching out to me but I was a dead weight.
I tried focusing on other things but I was back to where I started. I was too dependent on Gerard and now he was gone. I should just be thankful that I have James. I still have my mother and I still talk to Ray and Mikey from time to time. The thing is, nobody knows what happened between me and Gerard. I promised Gerard I wouldn't tell anybody. Everyone is so frustrated with me. I am a dead weight on everyone's shoulders.
Time that was spent away
I stand up and stetch my limbs. It's now into the dead of night. My throat is dry and my mind is blank. I am far from having a rational thought. The fun thing is, I've already written suicide notes for my friends and family. Looks like I'll be needing them after all.
I slept all through the day
I leave everything where they are and head inside. I let the door swing shut on its own and head upstairs to my room. I took the hidden letters from a bottom drawer in my desk. I'll just leave them in front of the door. It would be easy for James to find them.
I slept all through the day
I shut and lock my bedroom door and go to the bathroom. The pills are in the cupboard under the sink. There are 10 in the bag. I remember when I used to lock myself in the bathroom and count them. I always found a reason not to swallow them, but now there's none.
I slept all through the day
I firmly grasp the bag of pills in my hand and fill a cup of water in the sink. I walk back to my room and lay down on the bed. I swallow the pills one by one. I close my eyes and try to go to sleep. I see my phone sitting by my lamp. I turn on my phone and see there are in fact messages from James, my mother and Gerard. I see that Gerard has sent me multiple messages but I'm too tired to read them. It's too late. I already feel like I'm floating. I know I've already made my amends in the letters that are sitting outside my door. I open Gerard's name and type out one last message to Gerard.
"I'm sorry."
Threw my life away.
I can hear the engine running
The feeling started again, out of nowhere, while I was listening to demos for another enthusiastic, young band. My body was on autopilot as I was trying to listen to the screaming and the out of tune guitars, but not really. My head wasn't in it. I turned off everything and left the studio room. Maybe it was just time for a smoke break. I walked through the empty house and through the kitchen, grabbing myself a beer out of the fridge on my way out the back door. It was 9:30 at night and the sun was finally starting to set. I sat on the back steps and set my beer down, reaching into my pocket for my pack of cigarettes. I took one and put it inbetween my lips and brought my lighter to it, straining my ears a little to hear that satisfying burn of the paper. I inhaled the smoke and felt it burn the tip of my tongue and released the smoke. I reached for my beer beside my and opened it, taking my cigarette in one hand and taking a large drink.
Neither of these things did anything to calm my nerves. I took another drag, this time I held it and pushed the smoke through my nose. I sat there for a while on those steps long after I finished my beer and cigarette. I lit up another one and smashed the can and through it against the shed in the backyard. It was starting to become dark, but the moon was enough that I could still see.
All the sickness in this town kept the dam from flooding
I ran a hand through my hair and yawned looking at my neighbors. They seemed to have busy lives. Most days I could hear the older couple in the small white, house with the picket fence on my right. The husband gets up at 5 A.M. For work. The wife, I don't really know what she does. Both of their kids moved out some time ago, and now they have the house to themselves. The house to the left in their green, one story house was a large family with little kids. The kids always got dropped off by a yellow bus at 3:30. I could always hear those kids play in the drive way where a miniature basket ball hoop stood. Both households were most likely both getting ready for bed. It was a Sunday night and everyone was getting ready for another week of work. Here I am sitting here. I can hear James Dewees' words from this morning before he left to visit his family. "Frank, I'm leaving. If you need anything just give text me or give me a call, okay? Please do something while I'm gone." He'd said that last sentence very quietly as if not to anger me. He used to get pissed off at me whenever I refused to get out of bed. Now it seems he just resulted to begging. I think he might have texted me earlier but I haven't checked my phone since this morning. I didn't want to look at my phone because of one person in particular. I remember everything that happened last night.
Is it right or is it wrong?
I looked at the driveway and remember my heartbeat picking up when I saw the familiar black cat sitting there. The engine was still running. I waited, stood frozen in the kitchen, just looking out the window at the car. It was late but he was still here. The engine finally shut off and I watched a black figure walk up the front door and knocked. I sat down my cup and opened the door. I took a deep breath and opened the door. There stood Gerard Way. His face hid nothing and I could see him fidgeting in the doorway. I stood back, inviting him in and shut the door behind him. Once I turned around I realized that I had turned all the lights off and we were standing in complete darkness. I don't know, maybe it was better that way now that I think about it. Last night, in that moment though, I walked into the kitchen and turned the light on.
"You want some coffee?" I asked him while grabbing another cup out of the cupboard anyway. Gerard Way always said yes to coffee. I filled the cup and went to give it to him, but he was already standing next to me. Up close I could see the the bags under his eyes and his face was paler than usual. He looked as bad as I did. I offered him the cup and he took it.
"Thanks." He had said, and I gave him a nod. I took my cup and sat at the kitchen table. It was a minute before Gerard took a seat next to me. I knew he had something to say, why else would he have came? It took him a while to say it, but eventually he spat it out.
"I don't think I can take it, Frank." He had said to me.
"What can't you take?"
"It hurts all the fucking time and I done know what to do. Every time I pass a liquor store the ache in my chest just gets worse."
Gerard Way is an alcoholic. He's stressed out. I know why, but he chose not to tell. I was surprised that he came to me in the first place.
"You're doing great, Gerard. You have so many people supporting you. We all know you can get through this. Even if you do relapse, it's a part of recovery, Gerard. Don't ever think we would just give up on you. Are you still going to those AA meetings? Do you have a sponsor?"
"I-I don't have a sponsor. Things have been getting so busy and I don't have a lot of time to go to the meetings."
"Maybe that's what you need, Gerard. Maybe you need a break.. Why don't you go stay with Mikey? I know Mikey would love to have you. He cares for you so much, Gerard."
It hurt that he wouldnt acknowledge what had happened a few nights ago. I remember it hurting in my chest and I just waited for him to talk.
But he didn't. Gerard Way broke down in front of me. I watched his eyes, they were a broken floodgate and everything came crashing out of him. He was sobbing and my immediate reaction was to take him in my arms. I expected him to push me away but he leaned against me. He was making incoherent sentences so I just held him though it. Apparently, he got so loud I saw James come around the corner looking half asleep. When he saw Gerard his face quickly turned into one of concern. I motioned for him to give us some space and he left shortly after. I rubbed Gerard's back and he quieted down. He started to rub at his face so I got up to grab a box of tissues from the living room. I sat it on the table in front of him and sat back down. He took a few tissues and blew his nose. I just waited for him.
Is it anything at all?
"What are people going to say about me, Frankie?" He said so quietly I wouldn't have heard it had I not been waiting for him to speak.
"I can't control what people say, Gerard. You're not a bad person. This doesn't shape how things are going to be for the rest of your life."
"Yes, it does," Another round of tears come back, "I hurt everybody I get close to. I hurt my parents. Mikey, Bob, Ray. You." He looked up at me and l could see the sadness. I wouldn't quite call it guilt but there was a slight sense of remorse, I would accept it, because this wasn't some fake Gerard that everybody knew. This was the open Gerard that I fell in love with.
"I don't hate you, Gerard. "
"But you're not happy with me either."
"I'll be honest, Gerard, you make me angry. You never say what you feel and... You just... Run. And I'm impulsive. I get that. Im an asshole."
"I'm so sorry, Frank. I just. I don't love you. I can't give you what you want.
Is it weak or is it strong?
After that I just blocked everything out of my head. He cried a little more and then we started arguing. I don't even remember what it was about. I didn't even cry. My chest ached but that was the only indication of what happened. Put everything aside for Gerard. I do that a lot, for my friends. I focus on them to forget how fucked up my life is. When Gerard came into the picture I just focuses on him. It was easy to do that. It was easy to forget everything else when I was with him.
When did I begin to fall?
I thought I could do it and keep it together. I no longer had any motivation. I knew I was getting bad but I was too tired to stop it. Everything got so bad and I didn't know how to stop it. I managed to fuck up one of the most important relationships I had.
There's something between us
Id rather not say
Something, circumstance
I kissed him. That's all I did. When he kissed me back I was so happy. When I kissed him again, he told me that it was only a one time thing. I was quiet after that. I kept my distance. He tried reaching out to me but I was a dead weight.
I tried focusing on other things but I was back to where I started. I was too dependent on Gerard and now he was gone. I should just be thankful that I have James. I still have my mother and I still talk to Ray and Mikey from time to time. The thing is, nobody knows what happened between me and Gerard. I promised Gerard I wouldn't tell anybody. Everyone is so frustrated with me. I am a dead weight on everyone's shoulders.
Time that was spent away
I stand up and stetch my limbs. It's now into the dead of night. My throat is dry and my mind is blank. I am far from having a rational thought. The fun thing is, I've already written suicide notes for my friends and family. Looks like I'll be needing them after all.
I slept all through the day
I leave everything where they are and head inside. I let the door swing shut on its own and head upstairs to my room. I took the hidden letters from a bottom drawer in my desk. I'll just leave them in front of the door. It would be easy for James to find them.
I slept all through the day
I shut and lock my bedroom door and go to the bathroom. The pills are in the cupboard under the sink. There are 10 in the bag. I remember when I used to lock myself in the bathroom and count them. I always found a reason not to swallow them, but now there's none.
I slept all through the day
I firmly grasp the bag of pills in my hand and fill a cup of water in the sink. I walk back to my room and lay down on the bed. I swallow the pills one by one. I close my eyes and try to go to sleep. I see my phone sitting by my lamp. I turn on my phone and see there are in fact messages from James, my mother and Gerard. I see that Gerard has sent me multiple messages but I'm too tired to read them. It's too late. I already feel like I'm floating. I know I've already made my amends in the letters that are sitting outside my door. I open Gerard's name and type out one last message to Gerard.
"I'm sorry."
Threw my life away.
Notes
This story was based on true events. No one has actually committed suicide that I know of but... I just felt like writing about it.
Ive been feeling really shitty lately and I just started writing this.
I went to a show a while ago and Annie Girl and the Flight opened for FrankIero andthe Cellabration. Both bands were amazing. I discovered Into the Void and I just fell in love with the song.
