Classes resumed as normal the next day. I slept in Gerard’s bed while he slept on the couch, and no matter how much I insisted he sleep in his own bed and I take the couch, he wouldn’t budge. After he concluded I could hold a coherent conversation and seemed okay, he let me fall asleep. I wasn’t actually sure if he had slept or not because he was already awake when I got up in the morning. I had already done my makeup as best as I could with the powder and mascara I had tucked away in my purse. My hair was a tangled mess, but I found hair wax in his bathroom and tossed some into my rat nest.

“Are you wearing my hair gel?” He asked when I walked past. I grimaced.

“My hair looked like a nightmare! It was out on the counter, I swear,” I said. Gerard just smiled and rolled his eyes.

“It’s fine. We need to roll, we’re already a little late. And you still need to stop by your house and get a change of clothes”

---

I wasn’t proud to show up to school with bruises and cuts all over my face. But I did. Jessica let out a small squeal when she say me, slowly turning into a sound of horror.

“What the hell happened to you?” She asked, outraged.

“I got in a barfight. I know, I know,” I began when she started to form a stern look on her face, “it was a misunderstanding. It’s all cool. Gerard actually ran into me and helped me get home.”

Jessica raised one eyebrow at this. “Oh really?” Except she said it as a fact, not a question.

“Not like that, Jess, how many times do I need to tell you?” But I couldn’t stop a small smile from breaking out on my lips.

“OH MY GOD, Charlotte! I can’t believe you slept with our professor!” She shrieked, grabbing my shirt and jumping up and down. “He’s so hot.”

“OH MY GOD, Jessica!” I grabbed her own shirt, mimicking her. “Nothing fucking happened. God.”

“Well that’s disappointing.”

“Not for lack of trying though,” I added quickly. She giggled and rolled her eyes.

“Keep at it, champ.”

We sat in Gerard’s class, pretending nothing had happened. He locked eyes with me a few times, and each time my face grew hot and I had to look away. This was torturous. It was just a lecture about composition and how it can make or break a piece, no matter how talented you were. If you didn’t compose it correctly, it would become a swirling mess of colors and misdirected attention.

My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket, and I glanced up at Gerard to make sure his attention was directed elsewhere before I checked it under our table.

From FRANK - 9:37 AM
Heard from a birdie that you stayed at Gerard’s last night ;) ;) ;)

There was a burning feeling of embarrassment searing a hole in my chest. If only he knew...if only he knew. I decided to wait until lunch to text him back. As if I needed more a reason for Gerard to pick on me in class. He didn’t need to catch me texting his best friend.

From FRANK - 9:48 AM
Oh, come on, Payn, spill the deets!

From FRANK - 9:49 AM
Or I’ll ask him

Only ten minutes left in class. It could wait. He was just being hyperactive. Gerard was introducing our new assignment when a loud buzzzzzz came from his desk in the corner. His cellphone. My heart sunk. His eyes flicked down to the screen, then directly to me. I could only imagine what Frank had said to him. Here came the blushing cheeks, again.

To FRANK - 9:52 AM
CUT IT OUT
I’m in his class right now

From FRANK - 9:53 AM
PERFECT

I groaned out loud, causing Jessica to elbow me in the ribs.

“So you have a week to do this. My office hours are on the board, if you feel the need to bug me outside of class. And that’s all, get outta here early,” Gerard said as he sat in his office chair, waving the class away. “Miss Payn, can I speak to you?”I had almost snuck out of the room. Jessica, who was heading out of the door, gave me a wink over her shoulder before closing the door behind her. Now it was just Gerard and me in the room.

“What’s up?” I asked, my breathing constricted because of my frantic heartbeat.

“I got an interesting text from Frank a few minutes ago,” he said slowly, a smirk playing across his lips.

“Oh really? Because I did too,” I narrowed my eyes. Two could play this game. Gerard’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Shit. What did it say?” He gulped. I couldn’t help but throw my head back and laugh.

“I’m not telling you unless you tell me.” I crossed my arms, standing at the back of the classroom.

“Guess we’re in a stalemate,” he huffed.

“Guess we are.” I could stand there and stare at him all day. He had an adorably lopsided smile, and his hair was a tangled dark fluff on the top of his head. Perfectly arched eyebrows framed his molten chocolate eyes, everything tied together by a small pointed nose and the tiniest bit of scruff. He was wearing a white button up with a red tie and black striped waistcoat today. Why did he always have to look so good?

“Hello? Earth to Charlotte,” I hadn’t noticed him talking to me. “Looking is free, but touching costs ya extra.” I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t flatter yourself. How did Frank know that I stayed at your place last night?” I asked. Now it was his turn to color himself red.

“Oh, I...I told him, maybe?” Gerard stuttered nervously. “He’s convinced I’m gay! He’s been giving me unrelenting shit ever since I’ve started hanging out with you.”

“Oh God,” I smiled, trying not to laugh. “I’m sorry all I do is bring unrelenting shit into your life.”

“Yes, that is obviously the point I’m trying to get to,” Gerard rolled his eyes. “Frank is going to get a talking to.” He stood up, grabbing his briefcase. “And I’ve got a meeting.”

“See you later then!” I backed out of his class room after shooting him some finger guns. My heart rate was so high. I was going to die.

That was basically how the rest of that semester went. Every time I talked to him, there was just a burning hole in my chest. Frank and I had spent many nights talking about him and what I should do. I decided to just do nothing. If he was really worried about his professionalism, then I wasn’t going to jeopardize that. I tried to distance myself, but every now and then he would want to get breakfast on the weekend and who was I to say no to breakfast?

Christmas break came and went. I went home for a few weeks to my parents’ house, and it was so weird to be back. Winter in Los Angeles was nothing like I was used to up in Northern California. It was strangely warm, and I felt overdressed everywhere I went.

Hanging out with my family, I realized just how glad I was that I was still in school away from them. I loved them so much, don’t get me wrong. But they were suffocating. I felt bad for Jordin, my little brother, because he was the last child my parents’ had and they didn’t want him to leave the nest. I laughed on the inside with the way my mom’s eyes widened when he talked about his college options.

It was nice to be away from Gerard and maybe clear my head. Physical distance helped an immense amount when it came to emotionally distancing myself to figure out what I wanted and what I needed, and what I should do. Three entirely different things. I wanted Gerard in every way possible, but I needed to focus on my studies, and I should just stop talking to him outside of a professional setting.

Jordin and I were up late one night after New Year’s. We had rung in 2016 with a ton of champagne and shrimp. I had about a week left at home until I took a flight back up to NorCal, and we were sitting on our back porch looking out across the city from atop our hill. I was smoking a cigarette and looking the other way while he did so. He was only seventeen. He said he didn’t smoke a lot, and I told him he better stop or I’ll tell our parents.

It made me feel like a shit role model.

Somehow that night, the topic of Gerard came up. I told Jordin about how I had run into Anthony and he began to fume. Jordin absolutely hated Anthony, more than I’ve ever seen someone hate another human being in my life. I left out the story about the bar fight and focused more on Gerard.

“Sounds like you got yourself into a shit show,” he mused into the darkness.

“I know, Jordy, I know. What I don’t know is what to do,” I sighed.

“I don’t have any advice for you there. I haven’t exactly had any good relationships either. Sammy and I broke up almost two months ago and since then I haven’t had the desire to talk to anybody of the female persuasion ever again. Poison,” he spat onto the dirt in front of us.

“You’ll find someone again and that feeling will go away. Believe me. I never thought I’d feel anything for anyone after Anthony, but Gerard kind of...changed that,” I trailed off as I realized what I was saying.

“You sure you don’t know what to do?” Jordin asked. I knew what he was saying.

“I know what I want to do, but I can’t. Maybe after I graduate.”

“Maybe.”

The day before I left, my mom was acting strangely. She was asking me if I had considered going back to therapy, asking how I was feeling mentally, if I was keeping up on my meds. She normally avoided thinking about those things, let alone verbally addressing them, so this was incredibly out of the ordinary.

“I’m fine, mom. I just don’t sleep. Why?” I asked stiffly. I was packing up my duffel bag before getting ready to sleep and fly out the next morning. She was standing in my doorway wringing her hands.

“I just worry about you, Charly-bear. I just want you to be okay. It makes me nervous that I can’t be up there for you all the time.”

“Mom. I’ve been away for three years. If I’ve survived that, I can survive three more semesters.” I stood up, giving her a long hug. She stroked the back of my head, giving me a quick kiss before telling me goodnight.

My dad drove me to the airport the next morning since he was an early bird. He was reminiscing about all the other times he had dropped me off here and how it never got any easier, that he still missed me every time I went through security.

I couldn’t help but sit there in the passenger seat and wonder what on Earth was going on with my family. When we made it to the gate, he set all my luggage down and wrapped me into a long, tight hug.

“I love you so much, Charlie. You’ll always be my little girl,” he whispered quietly. Holy shit was he crying? My heart cracked, threatening to break.

“Is everything okay, dad?” I asked. He sighed, then nodded his head.

“Everything is fine. I just am going to miss you this semester. Call me if you ever need anything, okay? Anytime at all.” He gave me another kiss on the top of my head before letting me go, holding me at arms length. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks. I love you too, dad. Keep in touch.” I couldn’t help but give him another hug. There was something off, but I didn’t want to push it.

“I love you!” He shouted as I walked down the terminal. I looked over my shoulder, giving him a smile and a wave. He returned them before looking down, putting his baseball cap on, and heading back out the doors.

I was anxious the whole flight. I was so worried, but I didn’t know what there was to be worried about. The holidays had been so tense. Had I done something wrong? Did something happen? Was something going to happen?

Notes