The Story of a Man, A Woman, and the Corpses of 1000 Evil Students

The ride back to my apartment was a tense one. Gerard knew something was wrong, but I was hesitant to bring it up lest I turn into a blubbering, traumatized mess. I didn’t want to shove my problems off on him. Really, I was afraid he would get annoyed with my baggage and stop talking to me.

We were about halfway back when he turned the radio off. “Maybe if I make it silent enough, you’ll feel uncomfortable enough to tell me what’s wrong. Are you freaked out about me drawing you? Because I’m starting to feel really bad for that, like a creep-”

“It’s nothing to do with you. I just saw somebody tonight I wish I hadn’t,” I said, trying to keep it simple.

“Was it your ex?” He asked, eyes still on the road.

“Yes,” I sighed. Gerard nodded quickly.

“I know that feeling. Sorry about that, I hope it didn’t ruin your night.”
“It didn’t! I still had so much fun. Really. I just recently stopped talking to him and he scares me,” I admitted. Gerard frowned, one corner of his mouth turning down.

“Why does he scare you?”

“He has anger problems and didn’t exactly, ah, take it well the other day when I broke it off with him again,” I explained, wringing my hands. I felt so awkward.

“Again?” Gerard’s eyebrows were raised as he glanced over at me quickly.

“Yeah,” I said sheepishly. “I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve broken up. It’s just a mess all around, take my word for it.”

“Juicy,” he exhaled. “Well, count me intrigued. You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to-”

“Gerard, it was the worst God-awful experience of my life. I was constantly afraid I was doing everything wrong, and that he was going to leave me. I stopped talking to almost of my friends. He isolated me. I don’t know if he meant to do it, but I was so alone after we broke up, or rather when he dumped me. I can’t even remember...eight times? I thought I was dying for months. And when I finally started to grow into my own person and feel a shadow of happiness he would show up with flowers on my doorstep and begin to tear down every new good thing I had built around myself.” Tears were streaming down my face in a constant flow and my chest was heaving, something I hadn’t realized while I was ranting. I guess talking without breathing does that to you. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t fucking apologize because you feel things. No human should ever make you feel like you need to build walls around yourself to stay safe. People that you fight to keep in your life should only want good things to come to you. Good people will be your walls for you, not a battering ram. He sounds like a complete fuck up. I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he said, softly at the end. His knuckles were white from his grip on the steering wheel and I realized I might not have chosen an opportune time to pour out the biggest stressor in my life.

“That’s just been why I’m a wreck lately. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be happy, I didn’t drink or smoke, I stayed up late because I wanted to finish working on things, not because I couldn’t physically sleep because my mind wouldn’t turn off. I used to be confident and positive and now I’m just-like fucking hell, listen to me complain, I’m miserable!” I found myself yelling. The car had since slowed to a stop outside my apartment building. Gerard parked the car, opening my door for me. I didn’t want to come out; I wanted to shrink up and be absorbed into the leather seat and pretend I hadn’t just been hysterical moments before.

“Come on, let’s get you out of that dress,” he said, suddenly blanching, “and into pajamas, I meant into pajamas, into something comfortable, oh my god.” He threw his head back and sighed as he hooked his arm in mine, walking into the lobby and calling the elevator. I couldn’t help but break a smile at that.

“God, you say that like it’s a bad thing,” I said quietly. I stole a glance at him from the corner of my eye, the usual red blush covering his cheeks. I wiped a few straggling tears off my own as we ascended up to my floor. We could hear music booming from Frank’s apartment from the level beneath me.

“That’s not how I meant it and you know it,” Gerard said lowly as I handed him over my keys, letting him unlock the door. “Take a seat, I’ll make you some...tea?” His voice trailed upwards as he looked around the mess of my kitchen.

“I haven’t had the time to do dishes the past few days, since I’ve been hanging out with you and Frank so much,” I shrugged, slipping out of my boots and jacket. I wasn’t entirely sure what Gerard was doing, but whatever it was, he was trying his best.

“You know what, we’re just going to have nice fancy glasses of water since I can’t find your tea,” he announced, “I think we’ve both had enough to drink the past few days.” I nodded in agreement, grimacing.

“You could say that.” He sat down next to me on the couch, handing me the glass of water. “I’m sorry my apartment’s so tiny; I just only ever needed a studio. It’s not exactly perfect for entertaining guests, or whatever.” I was suddenly incredibly self conscious.

“Don’t worry about it. I mostly just wanted to make sure you got back home safely, didn’t want to drop you off and just leave without seeing that you were good to go,” Gerard admitted. “Your apartment looks like a palace compared to Frank’s right now, let me tell you.”

I laughed. “I can only imagine.” I sipped my water quietly before Gerard spoke again.

“Do you want to talk about it more?” He asked tentatively.

“The more I talk about it, the more worked up I’ll get. It was just a shit show that is always on my mind, and I just can never shut it off. Sleeping is a nightmare,” I added.

“Do you take meds? I mean, if that’s not too rude to ask. I don’t care if you don’t want to answer-”
“You’re fine. I just use over the counter stuff. I haven’t been on meds for a long time. That’s another story, though,” I said. Gerard just nodded silently next to me.

“Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. Also our campus has free counseling if you wanted to try that.”

It was my turn to nod silently. I was having a hard time processing somebody being this...attentive to my problems? I wasn’t even sure where to begin. Wasn’t I crossing some sort of line with Gerard being my professor? He was another consenting adult. It shouldn’t matter that he was my teacher.

“Gerard, I-” I began to thank him when he cut me off, reached out to my face before cradling it between his two hands and closed the space between us with a kiss. I was caught completely off guard, but I would be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped the night would end up somewhere along these lines. That whole time at the coffee brewery with me draped over his arm, breathing in his cologne and sweet muskiness.

Any doubt melted away in my mind as the kiss deepened with passion. Gerard’s hands were soon cupping the back of my hand, tipping it back as he shifted on the couch. I ran my hands through his thick black hair, moaning softly into his mouth. I let go of his hair, sliding my hands down his neck to grab the lapels of his coat, pulling him closer to me. He broke the make out session, leaning back on his haunches as he started to take his jacket off. He slowly began to frown, freezing with his jacket half on.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, my heart threatening to beat straight out of my chest.

“Wow, I really shouldn’t be doing this.” Gerard stood up off the couch, shrugging into his jacket again. He held out his hand to help me sit up.
“What are you talking about?! Why?” I snapped. I felt like I was whining, but my feelings were hurt. What had I done wrong?“No, this is an abuse of my power. I told myself I wouldn’t do this, but you were just sitting there, and you looked so pretty, and I like you so much and I wanted to kiss you all night what with everybody asking if we were dating...it’s not like I could say you were my student, because that makes me look so-”

“Gerard,” I snapped, cutting him off. “Stop. It’s fine. You’re not abusing your authority. If you were, you would tell me you wouldn’t pass me if I didn’t hook up with you. You’re a really good guy, and I like you a lot, too. Please.” I stood up, grabbing both of his hands. “You’ve helped me so much this past week.”

“Saying I’m a ‘good guy’ is a bit of a stretch, but I appreciate it. I think I’m going to head out now, though. Thank you so much for coming tonight, again,” he said, slowly wriggling out of my hands as he headed towards the door. He let himself out into the hallway as I leaned against the door frame. “I’m really sorry for...kissing you.”

“It’s okay. If it makes any difference, I enjoyed it a lot. I hope you did too,” I said softly, trailing off at the end. Gerard’s expression softened and he gave me a small smile.

“Of course I did. Goodnight, Charlotte,” he said. I leaned through the door and kissed his cheek before I watched him shove his hands in his coat pocket and walk down the hall into the elevator. He gave me one last peek over his shoulder and a shy smile before the doors closed.

I closed my own apartment door, leaning against it on the inside. Those few minutes of making out had been pure bliss for me. His lips were so soft and he tasted like vanilla and a hint of smoke. I should have asked him to stay. But it was too late for that now.

I heard the unmistakable rumble of his car as he drove away from the building. I was feeling like shit. This night had been a whirlwind of ups and downs and I was exhausted. I didn’t even know which direction was up anymore.

I began to pour myself another glass of wine before I remembered the six pack I had in the refrigerator. I recorked the bottle and hatched a plan. With the six pack under my arm, I climbed up a flight of stairs before I got to Frank’s apartment, rapping hardly on the door. I could still hear music from the inside, so I rang the doorbell a few times for good measure.
A few seconds later, Frank poked his head out of the door, smiling when he recognized me. “Hey Charlie, what’s happening? Come in,” he stepped back and opened the door for me to come inside. I squeezed by, setting the beer down loudly on his kitchen counter.

“Consider it a housewarming gift,” I said, handing him one. “I was going to be sitting in my apartment drinking about my problems alone, so I figured I would come and drink about my problems with you.” I popped the cap off of my beer.

“Good! Drinking about problems is in no way a slippery slope that leads to anything bad!” Frank shot me a look. “Which means, of course I’ll drink with you. What happened? I thought tonight you and Gerard went to that show of his.”

“We did and I saw a scary ex-boyfriend of mine which freaked me out and then…” I wasn’t sure if Gerard would want me divulging this to Frank, but I was at wits’ end when it came to dealing with Gerard. I had all sorts of feelings for him and practically nobody to talk to about it. “And then Gerard kissed me.”

Frank slammed his hand down on the countertop, letting out a long “Woot!” He trailed off when he saw my forlorn expression. “Or, shit?”

“Frank I like him!” I blurted out. “But he doesn’t like me. And he got all weird about it. And I don’t know what to do.” Frank sighed, motioning to the bottle in my hand.

“Sounds like you need more beer,” he joked dejectedly. “Look, I don’t think Gerard doesn’t like you...if that makes sense. Gerard is-difficult. We’ve been friends since high school and I still haven’t figured him out. He’s got some problems. So if he’s distancing you, I would just go with it for now. Then again, I am a firm believer in ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be’, so take from that what you will.”

“You’re right. I am going to need more beer.”

Notes