“You do realize we’re already married, right?” I couldn’t help but snicker as I stared at Gerard, his hands clasped over his eyes in horror.

“I just saw white and panicked. Oh no. Oh no . We gotta call it off, Charlotte. We gotta,” he huffed, trying to catch his breath. I was dressed in a lace, mermaid style gown my dad had insisted I let him get me. He wanted “his little girl” to have the wedding of her dreams. Frank was still the only other person who knew we had gotten married beforehand, and I liked it that way. It was our little secret, our little story we kept tucked away.

“Shit. Looks like we have to get a divorce because Mr. Way couldn’t keep his eyes off his totally-not-already-bride.” I had been perched on the bench in the sitting room to put my shoes on; matte, all black Converse. “Do you want to at least look at my shoes?”

“Nope. Can’t risk it.”

“What if I drop this mirror on purpose?” I asked, taking the distraction of the conversation as a way to sneak up behind him, lacing my arms around his waist and swaying softly. He lowered his hands, reaching down to clasp my hands under his.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” He said quietly.

“Maybe once or twice. Maybe,” I replied, leaning forward to rest my forehead against his back.

“I’m so happy.”

“I’m happy that you’re happy.”

“But you’re sure about this, right? Because there’s still time to change our minds about everything. We can just go back to living quietly down the street from the university. I can teach there still, you can-”

“Do you not want to move to San Francisco?” My heart was thudding in my chest. It had already been hammering away, but now I was afraid Gerard hadn’t been completely honest.

“No, no, I do. I promise I do. It’s just…” his voice trailed off and he looked down at his shoes.

“New things are always scary,” I said, taking a step back to wriggle out of his grasp. But he held tight to my arm, pulling me back against him.

“Yeah.”

We stood like that for a while, silently swaying to a song neither of us could hear.

“I love you.”

---

I could hardly see. The lights were making me sweat and I was dangerously close to pit stains on my white gown.

But I still felt awkward, standing up in front of all of our friends and family, telling them all how much I loved Gerard and how happy I was to spend the rest of my life with him. Something I had been sure of a long time ago and that I had already solidified with marriage, but they didn’t need to know that. Only Frank knew, nestled in between our families, smiling from ear to ear. It struck me that I wouldn’t be standing up on that stage, a dark band around my left ring finger, if it weren’t for Frank. Gerard and I were indebted to him.

Very rarely did my dad ever cry. I’m pretty sure he was allowed to on my wedding night, though, without question. He looked juxtaposed with his rough demeanor tucked inside a tuxedo. He was also struggling to compose himself throughout our entire dance.

“Everything is set to be shipped to your new apartment. I have all the tracking numbers-”

“Dad. We’ll talk about that later. But let’s just dance right now.” He was avoiding the silence because he was afraid he had run out of time to tell me everything he had wanted to say.

“I remember your sixth birthday when Thomas didn’t come to your party and you swore to me that boys were gross and you were never going to be friends with one, ever again,” he said quietly as we swayed to the music. “Another time I proved to be right in the end.”

Tears were brimming in my eyes and I pressed my cheek to his shoulder. “I love you so much, Dad.” My voice was breaking and cracking and I was definitely going to ruin my makeup.

“I’m just so happy you’re happy.”

Butterfly Kisses continued to play softly and we lazily spun around the wooden floor, our shoes scuffing quietly the only other sound in the gazebo. Gerard’s space spun past mine once or twice, but all I was thinking about was the man I was clinging too. I was afraid, but I was excited. My heart was sinking and soaring all at the same time. “I’ll miss you.”

“We’ll probably see each other more than we did while you were in college. So. When can I expect grandbabies?” I threw my head back and laughed, taking the opportunity to wipe the tears flowing down my face. It was perfect timing; the song ended with a flourish. My dad pulled me in for a hug and kiss on the cheek then walked me back over to Gerard. “I think this is yours.”

Gerard grinned impishly, and I blushed. I blushed . I was fucking married to him and he was still making me blush. I loved it. Gerard wrapped me against his chest as I walked my dad mosey back over to his table where his girlfriend was waiting, along with Jordin and Jordin’s new boyfriend.

“Words can’t describe how beyond stoked I am,” I heard myself saying.

“You know, most people would say ‘it’s the happiest day of my life’ or some bullshit like that, but you’re beyond stoked. It must be a really good day, then,” Gerard said. I nudged him lightly in the ribs with my elbow.

“I’m too happy to give you shit right now,” I spun around and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. It was time for the toast. Frank was stepping up onto his chair to where he nearly reached an average height. He was clinking a knife against an empty champagne glass, hollering something.

“Oh god, what the hell is he going to say,” Gerard said quietly. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“So I knew Gerard a long time ago. And then I met Charlotte. Gerard, you’re my best fucking-shit, I’m sorry. Gerard, you’re my best friend and I would die for you. Charlotte, you should know that if you ever treat him bad I’ll swoop in and marry him in a heartbeat. Gerard, you should know that if you ever treat her bad I’ll kick your ass. But,” he took a deep breath, his shoulders rising and slumping, “I don’t think either of those situations will ever happen because you two are fucking p-sorry, because you two are perfect. Here’s to the two hot bastards. SHIT, I’m sorry! ” Someone was yanking Frank down by his coattails, probably trying to get him to stop cursing in front of all of our families.

I was about to burst from the laughter I was containing at the sight of the conservative side of my mom’s family unsure of how to respond to Frank’s toast. My dad saved the day, yet again, but standing up and clapping.

Several more toasts were proclaimed, and then we had to go around to thank everybody for coming. As awful as it sounded, this was the first time I offically met Gerard’s family. He introduced his father to me, and pulled his brother, Mikey, away from the table to introduce us. He was terribly quiet and the reception was in full blast so I had to lean in to hear him.

“I’ve heard... so much about you that’s it’s rad to finally see you in person. I’m sorry it’s taken so long for this to happen, but, you know, that’s what happens when you live on the other side of the country, huh bro?” He also elbowed Gerard, who just giggled and looked down. “But seriously, I’m so happy you guys got together and sealed the deal officially.” I glanced over at Gerard, who looked up and flicked his eyes to my face.

“Hey, I had to tell him, okay?” He said sheepishly. I just laughed.

“I honestly do not care. But it’s so great to meet you too. Gerard almost never shuts up about you,” I added on, pulling Mikey into a quick hug.

“I’ll catch you in a bit,” Gerard said to Mikey, giving him knuckles, before he put his hand on the small of my back and we went to the next table over; my mom.

I hadn’t been sure where to seat her on the chart. I definitely did not want her next to my dad and his girlfriend and their happy family. She had ended up coming alone. Donna, Gerard’s mom, was currently sitting and talking to her. I panicked, knowing how awkward my mother could be, but from Donna’s easy poise, they seemed to be getting along well.

“There’s my baby girl!” My mom stood up and pulled me down into a hug, ripping me from Gerard’s arms.

“Awwww, mom.” I was crying. I didn’t know why.

---

I was crying. I didn’t know why. Gerard was still at work and he probably would still be there a few hours from then. I was sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at the photo of my mom and me from my wedding. We’d just gotten all of the portraits from the photographers and I couldn’t help but stare at them.

Shortly after the wedding, my mom’s health took a turn for the worse. She’d been neglecting her health ever since she moved away, her weight dropping rapidly, exacerbating the bags under her eyes and the lines around her mouth and the hip bones that barely held up a double size pair of pants.

My aunt, whom I rarely spoke to, had just called to tell me they’d finally gotten her back down to Los Angeles and into a hospital. I hadn’t had any contact with my mom save an argument we’d had a few days before she was admitted. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that she may no longer be with us soon.

Gerard had been a saint in helping me deal with it. We’d postponed our honeymoon, largely due in part to the fact that we moved to San Francisco the day after the wedding and he had begun a job at the San Francisco Art Institute teaching illustration, which required him to work through the summer to hash out the curriculum. I had toyed with the idea of getting a dog, or a cat, or a fucking gerbil at this point. I was just tired of being alone. At his insistence, I was taking a hiatus before I began my own new job as the photographer for a prestigious concert photographer based on the Wharf. They’d graciously approved the request to delay the start of my job, so I was spending my days in bed in pajamas, on the couch in pajamas, walking to 7-11 to get ice cream in pajamas.

I could tell he was worried. I could tell he wanted to drop everything at the college and stay home with me watching old Batman reruns until I smiled again. I could tell he didn’t know what to do. But he would come home with arms full of my favorite restaurant’s chow mein and cream cheese wontons, just to try to get me to eat something. I was still sitting on the kitchen floor when he came home.

“Charlie?” He called out softly when he walked in the door. “You know, I was thinking maybe tonight we could go out to din-” He stopped mid sentence when he turned the corner from the entryway into the kitchen and saw me sitting there. I felt pathetic; I didn’t look up to meet his gaze. He dropped his briefcase on the counter and settled down on the tile next to me, wrapping an arm around me so I could lean my head on his shoulder.

He didn’t say anything. I loved that about him.

Slender fingers snaked along my wrist to lightly dance in my outstretched palm, almost in time with the soft piano music I had left on repeat on the television. The cold tile pressed against my legs chilled me, but his warm body thawed me out. Inside I was shaking, I was screaming, but I was just sitting there enveloped by my husband’s love. Everything about me was at war with itself.

“I’m crying. And I don’t know why.” I finally said.

“Yeah you do. I’m sorry, baby. I’m here now,” he cooed, putting his hands under mind and wiggling his fingers so mine did as well. “Anything you want? Chinese food? Ice cream? A massage? Want me to draw you a bath? A stupid funny movie?”

“You’re so great and I’m so...this,” I motioned vaguely to myself.

“You have shit going on right now. And the new meds probably aren’t helping. You have a lot going on. You’re allowed to be like ‘this’, whatever you want to call ‘this’. You’re healing. You’re resting. You’re going to be okay. You’re the strongest person I know, Charlie.”

He was right .

“Life happens, and whether we happen along with it or not is up to us. That was phrased awfully, but you get what I mean. I’ll help you out as much as I can. You know I will. You’re my favorite person.”

“What about Frank?” I asked, my mouth muffled by my arm which I was currently burying my face in.

“There we go. Some humor,” he nudged me. “So what’ll it be?”

“Stupid movies.”

He scooped me up and set me on the couch, tugging off my slippers before he traipsed off to change into pajamas of his own.

“How you manage to be so upset and still look absolutely stunning has to be some sort of witchcraft,” he muttered, almost bitterly, as he sat down by my feet and began clicking through Netflix. I couldn’t help but smirk at that.

“Hey. You’re beautiful too, you know? To me, at least.” I was full on grinning, and it felt so foreign.

“The world may be ugly, but you’re beautiful to me,” he said, deciding on a shitty movie. “I think you need to be told that more.”

Tears were brimming again. I was feeling too many things; sadness, anger at my mother, and complete and utter adoration that was spreading like warmth from my chest to every appendage on my body. How I found him was a miracle. I had been staring at him absentmindedly throughout that entire thought process. “What are you thinking about?” He asked.

“You.”

Notes

Shit it has been so long since I've updated.