I woke up in the middle of the night, rolling over into Gerard. I had forgotten I wasn’t in the hospital anymore, and it took me a few seconds to even remember that it was Gerard was next to me. I smiled, wrapping my arms around his torso and cuddling in tighter. He stirred, grunting something unintelligible and I just kissed the back of his neck, nuzzling his hair.

“I love...you,” he whispered. I squealed. I couldn’t believe how adorable he was.

“I love you,” I said back.

“I’m so glad that you’re,” he sighed in the middle of his sentence, “okay. I was so. Worried.” I think he was somewhere in between the realm of consciousness and unconsciousness and he seemed to have lost all sense of a filter. I pulled him closer to me and he made a content noise, somewhere in between a hum and a sigh. “I did something right somewhere to find you.”
It took everything in me to not squeal and scream about how amazing that made me feel, so I just kissed his neck again.


A few days later and we were back in Northern California, unpacking our small suitcases. It felt weird to be putting my clothes into his dresser, but I was fairly sure that it was a good. It was weird adjusting to living with someone. But Gerard was trying his best to make sure I was made to feel at home. The first thing he did when we land was get a duplicate apartment key for me on the way home from the airport.

“Hey, who knows what’s going to happen when we get back and start moving you. I want you to have one immediately, Charlie Bear.” He smacked on his gum and gave me an encouraging grin as we drove back.

I’d spoken with my landlord who had, in fact, served me an eviction notice while I was out of town. She waived a bunch of fees for me when I explained the circumstances the best that I could. I got the feeling she just wanted me out of there. Frank had been an angel helping me move since I had helped him, and he was, in his words, “just getting me back.” I broke down crying a few times during the move, I wasn’t going to lie. I’d been in that apartment for two years and it felt like home to me, and I was going to be living in a much wealthier neighborhood with Gerard and that scared me.

Gerard was going back and forth from his office on campus and his studio at the apartment. I was working on some projects so the last week of December was pretty much us passing by each other or working back to back in silence, the occasional makeout session peppered throughout. Gerard had gone with me to set up an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist, and then a therapy session right after. January 3rd.

I’d be lying if I said I was excited. I put it out of my mind so we could celebrate at Gerard and Frank’s friend Ray’s house for New Year’s Eve. Gerard donned his usual school attire, a dress shirt paired with a waistcoat and tie. I decided I should actually wear something similar to a dress, so I went out shopping one day while Gerard was catching up on some grading on campus, and I found a black mini-sort of dress. It had a sweetheart neckline with a leather choker that had mesh attached, going down to the neckline. It wrapped around me tightly, with some fabric cutouts held together with zippers. It was just sexy enough but plain enough to not be mistaken for a stripper because, as Frank had said, I quit that job.

When I stepped out of our room with it on when we were ready to go, I saw the moment when his mind blanked. “Holy shit. You’re beautiful. As always. You’re stunning. Also as always. Damn, girl.” He finished with, grinning a bedazzling smile, holding his arms out to hug me.

“You don’t look too bad yourself, stud,” I said, nuzzling my nose up to his before smacking his ass smartly. He jumped and yelped. “Been naughty?”

I loved how his cheeks blushed so quickly. “You caught me,” he winked, recovering quickly. “I think you’ve been naughtier, picking this so I have to stare at you all night without being able to fuck you. Ugh, this is going to be unbearable.”

“If you’re nice enough, maybe I’ll go home with you.”

Ray lived about fifteen minutes away, and Gerard’s hand was on my thigh the whole drive, snaking up under the hem a few times before I smacked his hand away, telling him he had to wait. He made a strangled noise every time this happened and I was loving it. He’d gotten his hair cut ‘for the new year,’ he said, and it was just below his ears. I was also loving this. It stuck out at all angles even more since it was shorter and had more layers.

Upon meeting Ray, I decided that Gerard had excellent taste in people. Ray Toro had amazing hair, an amazing smile, and a personality that radiated sunshine. When Gerard got whisked away by Frank to talk, Ray showed me his music studio in his basement. Guitars of all brands lined the walls, a spotlight on each of them. Apparently him and Frank played together and were thinking of forming a band, which I thought was the coolest thing in the world.

My hand was never devoid of a drink the entire night, whether I was on the back patio, in Ray’s studio, or in the kitchen or living room. Music was thumping throughout, and I was knocking back drinks like there was no tomorrow. I could vaguely hear the New Year’s Eve celebration emanating from a TV somewhere, and had a moment sitting on the couch where I realized there was no place I would rather be to ring in the New Year.

Except next to Gerard. I had no idea where he was, I hadn't seen him since we'd arrived as I'd been busy talking with Frank and Ray and meeting their other friends. I rose from the couch and began to mosey through the crowd in the kitchen, spotting Gerard’s bird nest of hair through the window on the patio. I snaked my way out there to his side, planting a kiss on his cheek. He whirled around to face me.

“Oh my gawwwd, Charlie. Everybody this is Charlie Barley, my favorite person in the world,” he shouted with slurred words before pulling me into a wet, messy kiss. I giggled despite the embarrassment rising in my cheeks, looking down after everyone cheered. This was so awkward. “Hey, baby, could you grab me another beer from the cooler, pretty please with a cherry on top?”

Wow. This was a side of him I hadn't seen before. “Sure,” I mumbled as I split away back through the crowd of people. Before I could leave the kitchen again, Frank pulled off to the side, concern etched on his face.

“Hey, Charlie, I hope you're having fun. But, uh, maybe keep an eye on Gerard? He's been putting them back pretty...pretty fast,” Frank said quickly, looking out the window where Gerard was motioning wildly to the group out there. “He's kinda worrying me.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, not feeling too hot myself. I needed to switch to just water. “Has he said anything to you that, you know, was weird?” Frank bit on his lip, playing with his tongue ring.

“Not exactly, but he is just reminding me of when he used to be really...bad,” he trailed off. I cocked my head to the side. I wasn’t exactly sure what he was talking about. “I dunno if he’s told you about it…”

“I mean, he kind of mentioned that he used to have some addiction problems but I thought he had gotten mostly past that?” I stated as more of a question than a statement.

“Yeah, me too, and that’s what’s worrying me. But,” he clapped his hand on my back, “I’m sure it’s nothing. Is that for him?” Frank asked, nodding at the beers in my hands.

“It was, but now I’m not sure.”

“Just keep an eye on him.”

---

“It’s not...it’s not...full?” Gerard asked when I handed him the beer can. I had taken a few sips
out of it as quickly as I could during the walk from the kitchen back to him.

“I just had a sip from the top! It’s fine,” I smiled, pushing it towards him. He nodded, satiated with my response as he kissed me on the nose.

“You’re a sweetheart,” he mumbled into my ear. Holy shit, he was reeking of alcohol. “Lisssen, Charlotte, I need to-I need to tell you something-” Gerard was cut off by the multitudes of people beginning to shout the count down. It must have been a minute to midnight. He seemed to have forgotten what he was going to tell me as he joined in on the countdown, but he never made it past the number eight. He buckled at the knees, almost falling flat on his face in the grass.

“Shit, Gerard, are you okay?” I sunk down to my own knees, struggling under his weight. His hair was in his eyes and he tried to blow it out with a puff of air from his mouth.

“It’s midnight. I need to kiss you. I love you. I love you so much,” he said quickly before completely falling down onto the grass. He was out. Fuck. Before I could get up to go look for them, Frank and Ray were at my side, helping me drag Gerard to one of the chaise lounges on Ray’s back patio.

“I knew something was up when he wasn’t next to me for our annual midnight kiss,” Frank joked, elbowing me as he clearly tried to make light of the situation. I could see how worried he was behind his smile though. “Hey Charlie, go grab some water will you?” All I could do was nod, pushing back through the champagne drinking crowd to bring a glass of water back out to them.

“I’m sorry, I should have been keeping a closer eye on him,” I began to babble, but Frank just shot me a glare.

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. This happens-well, happened-all the time. We got it under control,” he said firmly. Frank splashed some of the water on Gerard’s face, and he began to stir. I couldn’t decide if I was more concerned for Gerard or more upset that he hadn’t shared his current drinking problems with me. Concerned, I decided, as I realized I had a hard time sharing my own problems with him.

People were starting to leave Ray’s house as we guided Gerard to a couch in Ray’s studio. He was almost completely out of it, and I just sat next to him as Frank and Ray made him drink water in between yelling at him. I grabbed his hand, stroking it mindlessly with my thumb. It seemed to remind him that I was there, and he ceased all talking, turning to look at me.

“Oh my gawd, Charlie, you’re so pretty right now,” he leaned onto my shoulder with almost all of his weight, catching me off guard.

“So are you,” I replied autonomously. He giggled.

“I’m the fucking prettiest.”

“Yes, you are,” I kissed the back of his head, resting my forehead against it. “I love you, Gerard.”

“I love you too, Char-” he began to say before throwing up all over Frank’s shoes. Ray looked up, shrugging.

“They were ugly anyway.”

Notes