The Story of a Man, A Woman, and the Corpses of 1000 Evil Students

I was in complete and utter bliss. I had woken up long after Gerard had: his side of his bed wasn’t warm anymore, but I heard him moving around in his studio. I almost leapt out of bed to jump on him, but I decided to stay curled up, nice and cozy, underneath the black down comforter he had. I rolled over to his side, breathing in the sweet smell of his hair.

I couldn’t believe that I was actually there, in his bed, being his girlfriend. I woke up there. I spent the night there. And it wasn’t a drunk mistake, it was a very sober decision because apparently we liked each other. A lot. He loved me. I loved him, but I still hadn’t been able to say it, no matter how many times I had tried. It felt cliche to consider this even in the privacy of my own head, but I was just waiting for somebody to wake me up from this. Because everything was going great.

Well, mostly everything.

About a week after we started dating, I found out I hadn’t been rehired at the bookstore because of the fact I had dropped out of Gerard’s class way after the final drop deadline, getting an INCOMPLETE mark on my record forever. This counted as a fail to the work study system, so I wasn’t allowed to have my job back until I completed two semesters with no classes like that. By the time two semesters was over, I would have been graduated. I hadn’t really talked to Gerard about it, mostly because I was afraid he would get worried.

I was going out of my mind with anxiety about it. I’m no idiot, so I had some money saved up and every now and then my dad would give me some money because he missed providing for me...which seemed odd. Whenever him and I would talk on the phone, he would really make sure there was nothing I needed and just talked so much about how he missed when I was little and still under his roof. Those talks alone kept me up at night because it gave me reason to believe my dad was like terminally ill or really losing it. I fought to convince myself every night that it was just him missing me, especially since I was graduating with my Bachelor of Arts in the spring. Maybe it was just scary to him.

Or maybe somebody was dying.

Said the other part of my mind. I would bounce back and forth from one extreme to the other before curling up in the fetal position and just wishing the world would go away like the alcohol in the bottle I just drank. I wished I could drink my problems down. That would make everything so much better. I had been a little late with rent for the month of November, and my landlord was beginning to keep a closer on me when it came to stuff like that. I felt uneasy in my own apartment, as if I were somewhere I didn’t belong.

Thinking about all of this had me running my hands along the silk of Gerard’s pillowcase quickly. The static was sticking to my hand, giving me a shock every now and then, hurting in the smallest possible way. At least I was feeling something, because it felt like my world was collapsing. And the worst part? It wasn’t even that bad. I was just ill equipped to deal with being like an adult, which caused me to internalize a lot more self hatred which fueled the anxiety. I was in a circle of hate that I couldn’t break out of, even with Gerard around.

And with Gerard around, I couldn’t help but feel he had developed a sixth sense for when I was having a panic attack, because, before I knew it, the door to the studio cracked open and I saw his mop of dark, messy hair poke out.

“Hey, babydoll. How are you doing?” Gerard asked softly, shuffling over to sit next to me on the bed. He planted a soft kiss on my lips, looking down at me with concern. “You look upset.”

“I’m just thinking,” I muttered. I felt like a robot. Breathe in, breathe out. Blink. Say words. Feel the burning pain in my chest. Headache. Die. Die. Die.

“Oh honey, don’t do that,” he leaned across my body to wrap my in an awkward perpendicular-like hug. “Don’t think. What are you thinking about?”

“School,” I answered, only half lying.

“What about school? Is dating me making you nervous?” He asked as he clambered over to spoon me, running his hands up the back of my shirt so he could give me a light back scratch.

“‘S not you. Just worried.” He knew at this point to not press it any further and seemed to be content with giving me a massage of some sorts.

“I love you, you know,” Gerard whispered. I just smiled, some of the anxiety easing away with that. “I love you so much. And I know, whatever it is you’re worrying about, you’re stronger than it. And you’re beautiful. And I love you.”

I spun around so I could bury my face in his chest and warm up. He just wrapped me in his arms, humming something into my ears.

“You slept late. It’s almost half past noon,” Gerard said, rocking me back and forth. I understood why babies stopped crying when they were rocked; it was calming as fuck.

“Well shit. I was tired.”

“Me too. I’m glad finals are over.” For a second I forgot he was a teacher and not a student, which made me laugh.

“Same. I hadn’t even remembered today was the first day of winter break…” I said, the smile slowly fading. If it was the first week of winter break, then that meant Gerard would be leaving for Jersey soon and I would be leaving for Los Angeles soon. “Oh no, I’m not going to see you for like three weeks!” I frowned.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I wish you could come with me. But you need to see your family. Someday you’ll meet mine, but they just have to live on the other side of the country, you know?” He tried to joke to make the situation more lighthearted, but I was still dreading it.

“When do you leave?” I asked.

“Hm. About a week, I think. I’ve been putting off thinking about it,” Gerard admitted. “Because I don’t want to be away from you for such a long time. I’m going to miss your kisses and your hugs and you. All of you.”

“Don’t leave. Ever. Let’s stay in this bed and never leave and never deal with the outside world again. We’ll survive with fuzzy socks and wine and zombie movies and I’ll eventually be able to tell you those words and it will be beautiful, just like you,” I rambled.

“That sounds amazing, Charlie,” Gerard kissed my cheek. “We can stay in bed today if you want, if that will make you feel better.”

“The concept is good, but it would fail in practice. How would we go to the bathroom? We would eventually start to stink. Where would we get the food from? We’d have to eventually change the sheets. It’s just not doable,” I sighed, looking downward into my lap. We were now both sitting up, facing each other.

“Then we can stay in and do nothing as long as you want. Anything you want. Because I love you.” Gerard grabbed my hands, putting them on both of his cheeks under his hands. He turned his face over in them, like a cat rubbing up against a person. “I love you.”

“I love you,” I said.

Notes