Because the world will never take my heart, but you my love, can

I woke up late the next morning and had to rush getting ready so I wouldn’t be late. Of course the one day I wanted to be on time, my alarm didn’t go off. I took a quick shower, grabbed a granola bar and ran out the door. When I got to school, I had three minutes to get to English so sprinting was my only option. I ran through the classroom door just as the bell rang and I have to admit, I was a little impressed with myself. I took my seat next to Ray who looked all bug-eyed and had curiosity flowing all over his face; I was about to be questioned on how last night went.
“Hey Ray,” I said like there was nothing important to tell.
“Don’t hey Ray me, you didn’t text me last night, so I want details.”
“It was a lot of fun. We watched a movie, ate with my mom, talked a lot and I played guitar a little bit for everyone. My mom loved Gee and Mikey.”
“That’s great Frank. I’m glad everyone had a good time! So, nothing else happened? You all just hung out like normal?”
“Well… for the most part”
Ray looked at me and pulled a huge smirk upon his lips “Spill Iero”
I took a deep breath and started the long explanation that Ray was looking for. I told him how our hands almost touched but were interrupted, how I started noticing the little comments Gerard made, the way he looked at me when I was lost in my music and finally, everything that happened when I took them home. Ray was smiling from ear to ear and was way too excited about what had happened.
“So, what’s your next step?” Ray asked
“I don’t really know. I’m lost and confused but I’m also not confused at the same time. It’s frustrating honestly. What do you think I should do?” Ray was good at stuff like this and I always seemed to look to him for advice.
“I think you should go with your gut instinct, it’s never wrong. I agree with Gerard about taking everything real slow though. I know you, you’re going to live in constant panic attacks if you don’t stop and think about this before going full speed ahead.”
“That’s your big advice? I knew all of that already. I need help figuring out what step I should take first. This could go in so many different directions!”
“I can’t make this decision for you, Frank. This is serious. This if your life and your future. Only you know what’s best for you to do” I felt annoyed but not at Ray, just more at the situation. I didn’t know what my gut instinct was or what was best for me. I was hoping Ray would have that answer.
“I guess I just need to think. Whatever my next step is, it’s not going to be easy”
“No, it’s not. But did you really think any of this would be? The good thing is that you’re not in this alone. You have Gerard and me and even though he shouldn’t know yet, Mikey is going to be there for you too. And when you tell Bob, you wont have to worry about anything! He will kick anyone’s ass that tries to fuck with you” Ray was laughing but had a sense of seriousness in his voice. I knew Bob wouldn’t judge me and I also knew that he would have my back. He beat people up for Pete and he’s only known him since the first of this year. Bob and I have been very close friends since 7th grade, I could only imagine the lengths he’d go to for me.

I thanked Ray for his support and for being such a good friend, something I feel like I’ve done a million times since Friday. I turned around in my desk so I was facing the front and all I did during class that day was make a list in my head of the steps I wanted to take and what order I should do them in that was best for me.

1.Tell your friends
2.Work on getting closer to Gerard, on a friend level.
3.Try slowly showing affection for Gerard around school. Ex: Holding his hand, bluntly flirting, give him a peck on the lips (for starters), etc. That way people around school can figure out on their own that I’m gay and crazy about Gerard.
4.Tell my parents (the scariest of them all)
5.Start my adventure with Gerard

This seemed like the best solution and way to go about this; I was happy with my decision. The bell rang to leave first period so Ray and I walked out together. I told him my plan and he agreed that it seemed like the best decision for me and that he supported me. Now I just needed to tell Gerard and see if he agreed. Second period went slow as always because I get to see Gerard while we walk together to third. I found myself feeling quite nervous when I looked at the clock and saw that I’d be seeing Gerard in about five minutes. I hadn’t seen him since last night and we haven’t really talked that much either. The class ended and I started walking to see Gee. I hope his feelings haven’t changed since last night. I don’t know why they would have but I’m quite the hypochondriac so this is the kind of shit that runs through my mind and is also the root of me anxiety.
When I saw his messy black hair, my heart skipped a beat and I forgot why I was ever nervous. Have I ever expressed how absolutely breathtaking this man is? I mean, even straight men had to have noticed him before. He was agonizingly and compulsively over the top beautiful and he liked me. I’m a lucky bastard.
He smiled wide when he saw me and we stared each other down till we were standing right in front of each other. I wanted to touch him or hold his hand; any kind of connection would’ve done in this moment. Instead I just stood their frozen like an idiot gazing into his eyes.
“Hi Frankie. How are you today?” Gerard sounded a little timid.
“Hi Gee. I’m good, really good actually. How about yourself?”
Gerard smiled and gave me a hug, which is exactly what I wanted and needed.
“I’m wonderful Frankie. I couldn’t be any better if I tried.”
“Good, I’m happy to hear that” We started walking towards our science classes.
“So, have you thought much about last night?” Gee asked
“I can’t get it off my mind, Gee”
“Yeah, me either. I keep finding myself thinking about your lips being on mine. I know we’re going to take things slow, but I have to admit that your kiss was cosmic last night” I was blushing hard, but thinking the exact same thing about him.
“I’m glad you think so because I feel the same way about yours. Completely out of this world Gee. That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about”
“You wanted to talk to me about our kiss?” Gee asked with a smirk
“No… Well, yeah but more about what’s to happen because we kissed”
“Oh, ok… have you changed your mind or something?” Gerard looked a little confused and had pulled his mouth into a slight frown.
“What? No. God no! I haven’t changed my mind. I was sitting in first period after I told Ray everythi-“
“Ray knows everything about last night now?” Gerard interrupted.
“Yeah, I told you I was going to tell him and ask for advice”
“Ok good. I’m glad someone besides Mikey and me knows. Sorry, finish what you were telling me”
“Anyway, I was thinking about last night after I told Ray everything and I made a list in order of how I want or think everything should go.”
I told Gerard my list and asked him what he thought.
“I think that sounds wonderful, Frankie. I feel like you’ve really thought about this and if those steps are how you want to deal with this, then I’ll support you 100%. But here’s my next question, when do you plan on taking the first step?”
I had thought this over before Gerard had even asked me and I hoped he would agree with what I was going to say.
“I know you told me to take this slow, but you also told me to do it on my own terms and at my own pace. You, Ray and Mikey already know, so friend wise, that only leaves Bob and Pete and I guess Christa but I really think she already suspects it. So, I want to tell everyone today at lunch. It gets it out of the way, it takes care of the first step and I really think I’m ready. I want my friends to know. I want them to know how I feel about you, Gee. I hate not being able to hold your hand or touch you. I want to so badly.” I said looking down towards my feet. We were standing in front of our classroom doors at this point.
“Frankie, I want to show the world that I care about you too. But I want you to be comfortable before any of that can happen; I hope you understand. I just want what’s best for you first so that we can have what’s best for us later on. If you’re ready to tell everyone else about you, then I will be right there with you at lunch today. Just think it through a little more before then, ok?”
“I will, but I know I want to do this. They’re my friends. I know this will be the easiest step for me and I know that nobody’s going to treat me different for it.”
“Ok, then I’ll be right here next to you whenever you do it.” Gee smiled.
Having Gerard care so much and him listening to how I want everything to go was comforting. I appreciated him in every way; from his friendship to his kisses, this guy was the best.
Science and music passed uneventfully as usual and I was a ball of nerves waiting for lunchtime to come around. As I walked towards the library to meet Gerard, I thought about my life up to this point. I thought of how I’ve always been a good kid and that I make my parents proud; I thought of the friends I had and how I couldn’t imagine not having them, even if there were very few; I thought of how I never allowed myself to be happy and I always seemed depressed for some unknown reason; I thought of how my world was about to be very different from this point on because I’ve always been so good at keeping to myself and staying hidden, but it will no longer be like that. Everyone always points out the homo kids. I’ll always be an easy person to talk about, people will know about me just for the fact that I like guys instead of girl’s, I will always be the gay guy from this point on. I will no longer be left in the shadows; I am now a spotlight and that thought terrified me.
I came face to face with Gerard and we didn’t really say anything to each other. I think he could tell how nervous I was so he just gave me a warm smile and started walking towards the cafeteria. As our table came into view and we could see everyone already sitting down, Gerard placed his hand on my back, leaned in close and whispered in my ear. “You are so loved by every soul at that table. They already know you better than you may think, so go allow them to love you a little more. I’m right behind you and Ray will be right next to you. You’re not alone Frankie. Never have been, never will be”
His words and his touch soothed me and gave me the support and confidence I desperately needed in that very moment. I’m not sure how Gerard always knew the perfect thing to say and the perfect time to say it, but that’s one of the many things I adored about him. He was so good with his words. I took a deep breath and glanced to Gee one more time before finishing my walk to the table.
When I reached my seat, everyone said hi then carried on with whatever they were already doing. I guess I was expecting them to stare me down until I got what I needed to say off my chest, but then I remembered that nobody knew I had something I needed to say. I cleared my throat and felt Gerard place his hand on my knee under the table.
“Hey, guys? Can… I need… I have something I want to say”
Everyone stopped their conversation and looked to me. I felt panic and fear swallow me whole and my heart was trying to escape through my throat.
“Ok, what’s up man?” Bob said after I sat there starring without speaking.
“I’m not sure how to say this but I know I need to say it. You’re all my friends and I know that you all care about me to some extent. I trust you guys. You’re like a family to me, which is why I need to tell you something. It’s taken me seventeen years to come to this realization and I feel so dumb for that, but ever since I’ve figured it out, I feel like I can breathe a little better than I have before. So, without any more rambling, I want you guys to know I’m gay”
I stopped for a second and looked at every persons face to see their reactions. No ones expression changed so I continued.
“This isn’t easy for me to say and I’m just coming to terms with all of it. Ray and Gerard have been a major help and support system for me, but I really needed y’all to know too because well, I could really use the support from everyone else here too. I’m scared still and I’m terrified of what you and everyone else will think. So just go ahead and say whatever it is you want to say about it so we can get it out of the way”
Mikey and Pete were smiling wide at me and Pete was the first to speak.
“Frankie, you know we all love you and we will always support you. Thank you for feeling secure enough with us to share this part of you. Whatever you need, I’m here. I know this isn’t easy, so let me know if there’s anything I can do to help make this easier for you”
“I agree with Pete, anything you need Frank. We’re here”, Mikey added
I couldn’t help but smile and feel a sense of relief wash over me. I looked at Bob who was laughing a little and that made me nervous.
“Bob, if you’re upset or mad or whatever, just say it now ok”
“Upset? Mad? What the fuck Frank… You should know me better than that by now. I’m laughing because it’s about damn time you said it and owned up to it!”
“What do you mean?” I asked a little confused
“Frank, I love you man, you know that. But I’ve known you were gay for years. This isn’t ground breaking fucking news. I mean, I set you up with one of the hottest girls at this school and you barely kissed her once and never wanted to hangout with her again. Straight guys don’t do that!” He had a point.
“You seriously knew all this time, Bob?”
“Yeah man, it just wasn’t my place to mention it or anything”
“Agreed” chimed in Christa. “You’re one of my favorite guys on this planet Frank, but I think everyone sort of knows you’re gay. I’ve tried several times hooking you up with my friends who were really into you and you pretty much ignored them and didn’t give them a second glance. I mean, I love you like a brother Frank, but this does really not surprise me. I am however really proud of you for telling us and for accepting yourself. You look happy today and your eyes look a little brighter than usual. It’s making me feel happy just to look at you”
I feel like I should be offended by the fact that nobody’s surprised and everyone has apparently always thought I was gay, but I wasn’t. I just felt a lot of relief on my heart and my muscles. Telling my friends was even easier than I thought it would be; more reasons I loved every single one of these motherfuckers.
“So, nobody’s shocked or pissed?”
“Frank, shut up. Nobody’s gonna be pissed because you like some dick. And we all knew in the back of our minds, so we don’t really have anything to be shocked over. So go love who you’re going to love and as long as you don’t stop being the badass that you are, nothing’s going to change around here. We all love you, man. You know that already” Bob said with encouragement. This felt so good. All my friends knew; they all supported me. I couldn’t have imagined this going any better.
Step 1: Complete.
Step 2: In progress. I wanted to learn more about Gee; I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted us to become best friends and know every deep dark scary secret that we held in the very core of our souls. Once I was done with my little announcement, I looked over to Gerard who had a huge smile on his face.
“See, I told you everyone would support you”
“I know I know, it was just a scary moment for me. I didn’t want anyone to treat me different, but hell, apparently everyone knew I was gay before I even knew I was gay. Why did no one tell me!”, I said with a chuckle.
“Guess they thought you could figure it out on your own” Gerard said.
“So now that my first step is done, I’m ready to start on step 2”
“Ok, remind me again which part step 2 is?”
“Step 2 is where I learn you. I want to know everything, Gee. The good, bad and the ugly. I want you to trust me and I want to continue trusting you more than I already do. What do you say to coming over tonight for dinner and some time to ourselves? I work till 6:45, but I could pick you up on my way home?”
“I would love that, Frankie. Sounds wonderful” Gerard was smiling wide and still had a hand on my knee. I know I’m suppose to be taking everything slow, but I’m falling fast for Gerard and no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself. My heart has no breaks when it comes to him, but I don’t think I mind.
I spent the rest of the day with a smile on my face and in a great mood. When school got out, I told Gerard I would text him and let him know when I left work and was headed to pick him up.

At 6:45, I clocked out and grabbed my phone and keys from the back room of the music store.

6:46PM To: Gee (:
“Hey Gee. I’m just now leaving work so I’ll be at your house in about 15 min to get you”

6:50PM From: Gee (:
“Alright sounds good. See you soon <3”

I pulled up in front of Gerard’s house a few minutes after 7:00 and called Gee to let him know I was here. As he walked out of his house and towards my car, I noticed he was wearing the same outfit he wore the day I met him and he looked even better now than he did in the nurses office. He got in my car and gave me a smile.
“Hey Frankie, how was work?”
“It was good. Nothing special happened or anything. What have you been up to since you got home?” I started driving towards my house.
“I’ve just been hanging out with my mom and Mikes. Speaking of my mom, when are you going to meet her? She keeps asking about you and says she can’t wait to meet you.”
“I would love to meet your mom, Gee. Just let me know whenever a good day is for you guys”
“Sounds good. I’ll ask her about it”
We spent the rest of the ride listening to music and singing along. When we got to my house, we went inside to see my mom just finishing cooking dinner and her face lit up when she saw Gerard. I forgot to mention to her that he was coming over.
“Gee baby! I didn’t know you were coming over tonight!”
“Hi Mrs. Linda. I hope it’s ok I’m here?” Gerard said
“Oh honey, of course it is. I told you before that you’re always welcome in our home. I just didn’t know you were coming home with Frankie, tonight!”
“Yeah sorry mom, I forgot to text you and tell you”
“No worries at all. Glad you’re here Gerard; make yourself at home. Hope you two boys are hungry!”
We sat down to eat and we all ended up talking about traveling after Gerard asked where dad was this week; he was in Dubai for a week and a half.
“I’ve always wanted to travel so badly. It’s a dream of mine to travel to Europe!” Gerard exclaimed. I was learning about where he wanted to travel to and getting to know his passion for adventure.
“It’s so much fun Gee, I cant wait for you to experience it. Traveling outside of America is like a whole new world” I said
“We have been very blessed to travel a little bit with Franks father. He’s given us some amazing opportunities! Maybe when we go somewhere over the summer, you can join us Gee.” My mom said.
I looked over to Gerard who had a shocked expression on his face.
“You… you mean that Linda? You would really let me go with you guys?”
I was just as shocked as Gerard was when mom said that. She’s never offered for anyone else to come with us before. She must really like Gee.
“Of course sweetie! I would love for you to come explore with us. I know Frankie would enjoy having someone other than just me to hangout with, too”
“Oh my gosh, I would give anything to go with you guys if it were truly ok for me to! I’ve been dreaming of traveling since I was really young.” Gerard’s eyes were shinning bright and you could see the excitement written all over his face.
“Well when we start planning our trip, we can talk about it. I would love for you to join us”
After we ate, Gee and I helped mom clean up then we went upstairs to my room. I really wanted to spend some time alone with Gerard because I haven’t really had any before. We went into my room and we both sat on my bed, facing each other with our legs crossed.
“So, what do you want to do?” Gerard asked
“Honestly, if it’s ok with you, I really just want to talk and get to know you. Like I said before, I want us to be really good friends before we’re anything else. I want to know everything there is to know about you.”
“I want to know everything about you too, Frankie” Gerard said smiling. I grabbed his hands and held them in my lap.
“Is this ok? Or would you rather me not hold your hands yet?” I asked, not knowing if Gee would be ok with this.
“It’s fine. I like it when you hold my hand” Gerard said, giving me butterflies.
“Ok, well let’s start off real basic I guess. Like, stupid basic because I seriously want to know everything. What’s your favorite color?”
“Easily black and red. Yours?” Gee asked
“Mauve. It’s weird, I know. But it’s m favorite” I said with a small laugh
“Ok, what’s your favorite animal?”
“A Gazelle”
“What the hell is a gazelle?” I asked
Gerard started laughing and pulled a picture of one up on his phone… It looked like a weird deer or something.
“What about you, Frankie. What’s your favorite?”
“Mine is for sure dogs. I want tons of them when I have my own place.”
“Why don’t you have one now?”
“Mom wont let me. She said she doesn’t want hair everywhere. It’s a horrible excuse” I rolled my eyes
“Yeah, that’s pretty bad. Ok my turn, what are you scared of the most?”
“Spiders. They terrify me. And yours is needles, right?”
“Yeah, I’m surprised you remember that!”
“I remember everything you tell me, Gee”
Gerard looked at me and swallowed really hard to where I could see it go down his throat. He looked into my eyes and slightly parted his lips
“Do you really pay that much attention to me, Frankie?”
“Well yeah. You’re important to me so everything about you is important” I said while looking down at my crossed legs and our entwined fingers. When I looked up, Gerard started leaning closer to me and I felt myself automatically lean closer to him. He gently kissed my lips and pulled apart just enough to where our lips were lightly touching and we were breathing one another in.
“You’re amazing Frankie. Thank you for making me feel wanted” Gerard said against my lips.
“You are wanted, Gee” I said and kissed him again. We started to make out and Gerard pulled himself back and kept his eyes closed.
“I… I’m sorry Frank. This just needs to go slow. I want to kiss you and hold you and touch you so bad, but we just can’t. I know you know that too. Don’t be mad, please”
As much as I hated this, I knew he was right.
“I know. I’m sorry too. I just can’t help myself. Maybe being alone together isn’t such a good idea for right now”
“No, we just need to control ourselves. We can do that,” Gerard said, opening his eyes.
“If we can’t do that, we have bigger problems on our hands. Let’s just keep talking and take our minds off this, ok?”
“Ok, Gee. So tell me what you want in life?”
“Hmmm that’s a good one. I guess I’d have to say happiness. I want to graduate and go to art school so that I can write comics. I actually already have an idea for what I want my first comic to be about. It’s going to be called Umbrella Academy. I want to find someone who will love me through my good and bad days and who will always support me. I want to fall madly in love and have a family. I want to travel the world and go on as many adventures as humanly possible. I just want to live my life to the fullest and surround myself with things and people that I love. At the end of the day, I want to be able to look at my life and truly say I’m happy and that I love life.” Gerard looked so passionate while he was talking and you could see the excitement in his eyes when he talked about his future.
“That all sounds amazing, Gee. You seem to have it all figured out”
“I wouldn’t say I have it all figured it out, but I do know what I want. What do you want in life, Frankie?”
“Honestly, I’m not completely sure. I know I want to get out of this town someday. I want to travel some more and live somewhere new. I want a family someday, but not anytime soon. I know I want a lot of dogs and a lot of tattoos” I said laughing “But besides that, I’m not too sure. I see myself doing something with music; it’s the only thing I’m really passionate about and love doing.”
“I could see you doing that. You’re a completely different person when you’re listening to music or playing music. I wish you could see the way your whole demeanor changes and the way your face lights up. It’s so obvious that you’re madly in love with music, you should make your future about it”
I thought about it for a moment after Gee said that. Nobody’s ever said they could see my passion for music. I’ve always wanted to start a band or something, but I never did anything about it. Maybe I should start considering my options.

Gerard and I sat in my room until 1:00 in the morning talking about our lives and who we are. I learned so much about him that night and it made me even crazier about him. He told me his hopes and his dreams, his fears and his passions; he told me about his family and where he’s from, how he got the scar on his left elbow from Mikey pushing him into the street when they were young boys and their father took them into the city to see a parade. I learned so much about Gerard Arthur Way but I still wanted to know more; I craved and yearned for more. And for every single thing I learned about him, he learned the same about me too. I’ve never opened up to anyone like I opened up to him; not even Ray knew some of the things I shared with Gee, which isn’t very much because Ray knows basically everything about me. I showed Gerard my soul and he showed me his and I have never felt so close to someone in my entire life. Becoming best friends with Gee was the best thing I’ve ever had the privilege of doing.

I took Gee home and pulled in front of his house around 1:15AM.
“Thank you for having me over. I really enjoyed tonight, Frankie”
“Yeah, me too. Getting to know you better has made me realize even more how incredible you are. I hope you realize that, Gee.”
“Realize what?”
“How incredible you are; just everything about you. Your soul is so beautiful and genuine. I’ve never met anyone like you and I know for a fact I never will,” I said starring into Gerard’s eyes. I wanted so badly to kiss him in this moment, but I knew better.
“I could say the exact same thing to you. You walked into my life when I needed you the most and you’ve quickly become the most important person to me besides my family. Getting to know you has been my pleasure, Frankie, and I can’t wait to continue learning more” Gerard was starring into my eyes and the tension to kiss each other was at an all time high. I leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek so he wouldn’t be upset with me and he smiled wide.
“Text me when you get home safe, ok?”
“Of course. Goodnight Gee”
“Goodnight Frankie” Gerard kissed my cheek and got out of the car. Once he got inside, I drove home with a huge smile on my face and the most comforting feeling in my heart. This boy was driving me crazy in the best possible way. I got home and texted Gee immediately.

1:32AM To: Gee (:
“I’m home Gee. Thanks again for coming over tonight. I really enjoyed it and I know my mom enjoyed your company. She really likes you a lot. Can’t wait to plan our trip to Europe for summer <3”


1:35AM From: Gee (:
“Thank you for having me, Frankie. I love spending time with you and your mom. I hope everything works out and I’ll get to go to Europe with you guys. Traveling overseas is a dream, but doing it with my best friend and his family? It doesn’t get any better than that. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight, dear <3”

1:37AM To: Gee (:
“Goodnight my sweet Gee”

1:44AM From: Gee (:
“Hey Frankie?”

1:45AM To: Gee (:
“Yes?”

1:47AM From: Gee (:
“When your dad gets home from his trip, do I get to meet him?”

1:49AM To: Gee (:
“You get to meet my dad when I get to meet your parents”

1:51AM From: Gee (:
“Haha deal. Goodnight <3”

I sat my phone on my side table and rolled over. Today was the most amazing day I’ve ever had. All my friends now know I’m gay (even though apparently everyone already knew that), Gerard and I had become so much closer and mom said Gee could come with us to Europe! Doesn’t get any better than that. I mentally checked my “Step 1” on my list off and thought about the fact that step 2 was well underway. Step 3 is to show affection for Gerard around school but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I really do want to take this slow even if it does somewhat kill me that I cant kiss Gerard again for a while; I guess it will all be worth it when we’re finally together and I can kiss him whenever I want. The thought of that had me smiling like a fool and with that theory buzzing in my head I drifted off to sleep.

Notes

This chapter is trash and so am I. My sincerest apologies.

XoXo