Wasted Love

I wanted to make him fall in love. I wanted to make him fall in love with me. I do everything in my power, but I know nothing would ever work. Just like you can't help who you love; you also can't help who you don't love.
I didn't blame him for not loving me. I wasn't mad at him. In all reality, him not loving me made me love him more. It made me fight for him more and more each day. I don't think he's even remotely aware of my feelings for him. I guess I hide it better then I thought. I don't see how, though.
I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not good enough for his love.
I didn't think it could hurt this much; Loving someone to the point where you would give up your life for them and them only considering you a friend. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he calls me his best friend, but it's still not what I need.
I can't let go, though. I can't try to move on. I can't go a day without knowing he's okay. He's become my life line.
Did something just move? My view is now completely red.
“Frank?”
I focus back into reality to find whom I believe to be the love of my life standing in front of me. His hazel eyes staring a hole into my soul.
“Hey, Gerard.”
“You okay there, sweetheart?” Sweetheart. It doesn't make my case any better when he calls me that. Answer him, Frank.
“Yeah, I'm fine. Was just thinking.” I mumble.
“About what?” Gerard leans against the island that I'm sitting at in our little apartment. Oh, yeah, we live together. We've been friends for 2 years, and I've been in love with him for two whole years.
“Just shit.”
“That's gross. Why would you think about shit, Frankie?” Frankie. God. This man kills me everyday.
I bark out a laugh in response and shake my head. He has a little grin on his face. It's so cute.
“Shut up, Gee. What movie do you wanna watch?” I ask him. He looks towards the living room, furrowing his eyebrows and making the cutest little face.
“Something with Liza.”
“What is with your obsession with Liza Minnelli?”
“You know the answer to that.”
“I know. C'mon. Casablanca it is.”
Gerard then runs to the couch making a little happy noise. I join him, at the opposite end.
“Frankie. Why so far away?” Instead of giving me a chance to respond or move myself, Gerard joins me at my end and cuddles up to me to where he's basically in my lap. His head is rested on my neck and shoulder and he drapes one arm over my stomach while the other is playing with the hair on the back of my neck. I lay my head on his head and wrap my arm around his shoulders, moving my other arm so my hand can rest near his elbow.
And we're not together. I suppose I should be happy that we pretty much act like we are. He hasn't been in a relationship with anyone because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. I haven't been in a relationship because I can't imagine loving anyone else besides Gerard Way. This apartment is a one bedroom, so we even share a bed, and cuddle half naked together every single night. We sometimes hold hands when we go out, too.
I've even kissed him. He kisses me every once in awhile when I do something sweet for him or when he needs to feel close to someone. Sometimes, he misses his family, and so I hold him while he cries. And then sometimes the cuddling doesn't help in making him feel less alone and so we make out. He tells me that kissing is the only way he can actually feel someone is there, because it's the closest two people can get without having sex.
I know this is bad, but I wish he felt alone more often.
I think the movies over.
“So, there's this guy at work.” Gerard starts off once he turns the DVD player off. My head shoots up, my eyes go wide and I stare at Gerard like a dear in the headlights.
“W- what?” I ask.
“Yeah, he's really cute, and I think I might like him.” He explains, looking down, and... no fucking way. Is he blushing? I think I feel my heart cracking.
“What about not wanting to hurt anyone?” I stammer out. This is not happening.
“Yeah, I still feel that way, but I can't stay single forever, y'know?” Yes, he can. We both can. We can continue with whatever the fuck we have forever. I would be perfectly fine with that.
I could say that, but instead I lie.
“Yeah, I guess you're right.” I laugh, bitterly, but a laugh, none-the-less.
“And, you can't either, babe. Y'know, I think Mikey has a thing for you.” I look over at Gerard and he winks.
“I can't date your little brother, Gee!” I practically yell. Is he serious?
“Why not? He's cute. You know he is.” He's being really persistent.
“Gerard, he knows our relationship though. Don't you think he'd be bothered by that? And plus he lives 3 hours away.”
“Ah, yeah. That's true. Okay, never mind. Don't date Mikey. Uh, what about that girl from work? Jamie or something?” Why is he doing this. I want you, Gerard. Stop. I sigh and respond anyways.
“It's Jamia. And there's one little problem: Vagina and I aren't friends.” It's true. I'm gay. A Flaming homosexual.
“Oh. Yeah. For someone reason I always think we're both bi.”
“Gee, I'll find someone when I find someone, okay?”
Gerard sighs and shakes his head giving me a disappointed look. I just wish I had the guts to tell him how I felt.
“Okay, sweetheart. Let's go to bed. We both have early shifts tomorrow.”
I nod and rise with him. We do our usual, brush our teeth, strip, crawl in to bed, and cuddle up. The same every night. What's gonna happen if he get's with that co-worker? They won't like this. They won't like me. They could take my Gerard away forever.
Gerard's asleep way before me and I take this opportunity to study his features. He's so beautiful. The way his noes points up and his mouth pouts when he sleeps.
“I'm so in love with you, Gerard Arthur Way.” I whisper. I have so much love for this man and it's all just wasted love because he'll never feel the same way. And with that I fall asleep, holding Gee close.

I wake up to a loud bang. I jolt up from the bed to see Gerard standing in our closet taking clothes off the hangers.
“Shit.” He whispers before taking the clothes in his hand and sitting them on the bed. He's already in his work uniform, what is he doing?
“Frank, good morning.” What is with the tone? And I can't remember the last time he called me Frank.
“Morning. Is everything okay?” I ask, scared of his response.
“No, it's not. I... Fuck. I heard you last night. I heard you tell me you're in love with me, and I decided that I have to leave. I can't live like this with someone who is in love with me. Why the hell didn't you tell me this before I made out with you and slept half naked in the same bed with you? No telling the thoughts you've had.”
“Gerard, I'm sorry, I please, let me explain!” I cut in. This can't be happening. I would never do anything without his consent.
“No, Frank. It's to late for that. I'm going to stay at Lindsey's until I can find my own place. I can't believe you would ruin our friendship like this. All you had to do was tell me and I wouldn't have been like I am with you.”
“Gerard, I promise I-”
“Save it. I'm gone.” And with that he zips up his suitcase and he's out the door.
I fucked up. I know I should have told him. This is all my fault. I can't believe he's gone forever. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I find myself calling into work, barely able to hold back the tears before crawling under the covers and crying for hours until I finally drift off to sleep, hearing Gerard call my name over and over.

I jolt up off my pillow again. God, how long have I been asleep. I'm panting, I can barely breathe. My heart is pounding and I hear Gerard. Wait. Gerard. I look to my side and he's there.
“Baby, calm down. It was just a dream, okay? I'm here.” He pulls me back down to the bed, and lays my head on his chest.
I don't know what's going on. Am I dreaming?
“Are you okay?” He ask after my breathing calms down.
“I... I don't know.” I reply. I'm so lost. What's reality? Which is real?
Gee sighs and I feel his chest rise and fall. “How about we take the day off? I haven't had much quality time with my boyfriend lately.”
“Boyfriend?” Shit, that was not supposed to be out loud.
“Yes, Frankie.” He moves my chin up so my eyes meet his. “You're my boyfriend. And I'm your boyfriend.” He says with a concerned look on his face.
And then reality hits me.
Two years ago I met Gerard Way. We became best friends instantly. After about 8 months, moved in together because we both wanted to be on our own and had no one else to do it with except each other. Two months after that, he heard me confess my love to him when I thought he was asleep. I was awoken the next morning with his lips on mine. Turns out he felt the same way, and we've been together ever since.
“Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. That dream had me fucked up for a minute.” I explain. I should have known the minute I woke up that even if Gerard didn't feel the same way, he'd never be an asshole like that.
Gerard snickers and kisses me gently.
“What was it about, babe?” He questions. How do I put this in short terms?
“An alternate universe where you didn't love me back.” Yeah, that sums it up.
“I can't imagine that universe.” He sighs, pulling me closer.
I rest my head back on his chest and close my eyes, kissing the skin over his heart. I love this man so much. And he loves me back.

Notes