I'm kind of miserable, too

We spent the following 4 hours in the park, just talking. We talked about life, about that TV Spanish drama show all pretend not to watch but still cry over, anything. It really wasn’t important. It was nice talking to Gerard like nothing really happened before, like we were some strangers whose destiny was somehow to meet and they felt attraction. Love at first sight. Maybe not love. Perhaps it was just a moment-sparkle, but we didn’t feel so miserable anymore and that was all that mattered.

“Love” I said out loud. “That’s it. That’s the solution!”

“I was talking about-”

“I know what you’re talking about. I’m taking about love.” I interrupted “I want to fall in love...” Gerard’s eyes widened. “-With you, Gerard” And I stopped. Time stopped too. I wanted to lock myself in my thoughts again, I needed that wall that protected me but a million thoughts were running through my mind at the same time- You screwed everything, just as usual. Nice job. “I’m sorry... That was...”

“We could try.” He told me. He didn’t look upset, and neither confused. He didn’t take much time to think about it either. “We could try being together.” He was still holding my hand since he brought me here, but it wasn’t shaky like it used to be. It seemed natural. I hadn’t thought of that before, and if I did, I considered it a passing thought and erased it from my mind.
We clarified everything and decided to be together. Now what? I leaned forward so there were only a few inches between us. “Do you fancy going to the cinema?” I asked casually. He nodded and we both left the park in silence and I never let go of his cold hand.

We talked a bit on the way to the cinema, but not about our togetherness, as we didn’t know anything about a relationship. Neither of us had ever been in one. Having a boyfriend was new for me- No. Not boyfriend. That didn’t sound right. Not yet.

Surprisingly, the cinema was closed. It was too late to go back to the park, and it was getting cold and dark outside. The streets lights turned on and the whole city started glowing beautifully along with the stars on the clear night sky. We were standing in front of the building, wondering why did they shut it down.

“We should go home. Though, the only movie I got is Star Wars”. He said to me. It got windy, so he offered me his jacket, which I refused politely. Did he want to make a move on me?

“That sounds great” I really didn’t care about the movie. I wanted to discuss with Gerard because it was important, but he kept changing the subject whenever I opened it up. He doesn’t love you. That had to be it, right? He just didn’t feel anything for me, and neither did I.

The walk to his house wasn’t as silent as I thought it would be. Even though I was upset I couldn’t deny I loved talking to Gerard about movies and comic books and artists and songs, as I slowly forgot why I was upset in the first place. I loved that. Most of the people want you to open up, but he didn’t stress me. He just helped me take my mind off my problems for a while and cheered me up with some coffee or a stupid pun.

Another long walk and we reached his house sleepily and crashed on the couch, not bothering to change our clothes anymore as we were too tired. Gerard covered us with a freshly-washed blanket that smelled like blossom, but it smelled like him too. I let the scent of it surround me and turned off the light, closing my eyes, but I couldn’t sleep.

“Hey uhm... just wondering” He mumbled quietly “What do... you know... people... do when they sleep together?” I widened my eyes “I mean... you know... just sleep.” I relaxed a bit, but my cheeks got red just at the thought of my misunderstanding.

“Well...” I started as I got closer to him “They just stay really close so they’re both warm” I wrapped my arms around his waist, shifting a bit. He blushed hardly and I could see it even if the room was dark. We locked eyes and I gave him a soft smile, which he returned kind of late.

I could’ve kissed him right then. I wanted to tell him he’s beautiful, amazing and sweet and talented. I just wanted to do something, I didn’t want to keep wondering if he loved me or not anymore. Just a quick kiss...

Instead, I fell asleep.

I woke up pretty early. “6 a.m.” I mumbled into the cold pillow. I raised my head: the other side of the coach was empty. I turned around to find a warm cup of coffee on the table and stretched a bit so I could grab it. It smelled great. I was wondering where’d Gerard gone so early, and why didn’t Mikey come home last night. He would’ve woken us up if he did, but he didn’t, and I was too distracted by the warmth of the nicotine-stained mug. I needed to smoke- No, I need to be healthy.

I quickly got up and changed my T-Shirt with one from Gerard’s room. They were all just my size and of course, black. I searched for my pills everywhere, but they were all gone. I went back downstairs and found my bottle of pills on the floor, pills scattered everywhere. I took a glance on the window. Gerard’s car was parked just outside. He can’t... he couldn’t have...
I ran quickly through the whole house screaming and calling for Gerard, but no response. I barely managed to hold my tears back as Gerard was nowhere to find. Please, where are you? I called his cell, but it was right there, on his bed, where he’d left it the night before. The ringing in my head was louder than the phone’s.

When I finally gave up, I went upstairs and drank another cup of coffee. You worry too much. How pathetic! I thought as I tasted the salty tears falling from my eyes. I went to bathroom to
wipe off my tears and the ruined make-up I didn’t bother taking off.

And then I saw it.

There was blood coming from behind the door of the bathroom. No. Just... just no...I placed a hand on the door handle. You’re such a pathetic loser! You let him kill himself... I didn’t wanna look. I just wanted to go back on the couch and sleep a few more hours, so when I wake up everything would be okay. Such a pity it wasn’t a fairytale...I shifted from my place and opened the door as quietly as I could, afraid do look or move further.

I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t say anything. I was just staring down, at Gerard’s lifeless body. He was dead... I passed out on the bloody floor next to his corpse and closed my eyes and listened to the ambulance arriving to his house, knowing they couldn’t do anything. I was too late.


I woke up next to Gerard on the couch and snuggled closer to him in a desperate manner.

“God” I breathed harshly, crying on Gerard’s chest.

“It’s okay” He assured me and kissed my forehead. “It was just a bad dream, I promise.Don’t worry”

“I love you” I told him quietly as my breath came back to normal.

Notes

It's been a whole week... well fuck it. I had some exams in school.