There's Nothing Left For Us

I want to love someone. I have encountered many people who have fallen in love me, but the feeling is never mutual. I haven’t truly loved anyone since I was a sophomore in high school in 2012. It is about to be 2016 and a few months ago, I thought I’d fallen in love once again. Turns out, though, I only made myself believe that.

He was a good guy, don’t get me wrong. We were together for five months, and the first three were amazing. We were always texting each other throughout the day and Skyping once night came. But after I moved away from my hometown to attend college, he didn’t really talk to me anymore. And I’m not talking the whole “he kept things from me,” but the “he is literally exchanging no words with me” type. It’d always take him hours to respond to my text messages and whenever I called him, he would forward my calls. I tried talking to him about how I felt, because I never really did that whenever someone was trying to make me fall for them causing said person and I to drift apart from a great friendship. He noted that he would try harder, and he kind of did. Eventually September arrived. See, in 2012, my father passed away in the beginning of that month and I’ve struggled with certain things concerning that as anyone would.

For example, I’ve always been paranoid about my significant other dying before knowing his grand kids and leaving me to grow old alone. He would have to often reassure me that he was medically fine and so on. I feel that maybe I annoyed him with my constant whining of this topic. I could never talk to him about how I was feeling about my dad because it would cause him to feel upset for not being there for me despite us not knowing one another at the time. Because of this, I bottled those feelings up and I found something I couldn’t talk to him about and that was bad. I don’t think my paranoia was a reason for our separation, though.

I remember asking him if he still loved me and he replied with:

“I don’t know, really. The distance is too much.”

I broke it off a few hours later after my class. I tried calling him, but, of course, he sent me to voicemail. I got home, opened my laptop, signed onto Skype and left him a video message.

“This is going to be really hard to do, but who are we kidding? It’s okay, you know. No more breaks or anything, just off all together. I’ll probably always have a soft spot for you and will probably always… love you. Um, yeah, bye.”

We were done just like that. Turns out he’d fallen for someone else and they dated for a couple of weeks before separating. I only know because of social media. We got into a big argument about that and it became a bad breakup. Honestly, though, I wasn’t as upset as I thought I was. I felt nothing and that’s what really upset me.

There have been many times that I have been asked out, but I declined. I start feeling sick just thinking about being in a relationship, but I want to love someone. I want to make my song and movie references just to make them laugh and eventually have them doing it, too… I want to love someone.

It’s been a couple of months since that break up and I’ve dropped out of college. It wasn’t because of him, but because I was unhappy there. My passion is film, but I hadn’t written another screenplay or done any experimental shots since I moved here. I had no time because I was either at work or school or sleeping whenever getting the chance, so I chose my happiness over my family’s happiness.

Also, I guess if there was anyone I could see myself loving, it’s my coworker and best friend here, Gerard. He’s a filmmaker just like me and we share the same thoughts. Whenever I first started working there, on my first day, he was working. I asked him if he liked movies to which he responded with a yes. He then proceeded to ask if I liked to write as well. Obviously I said yes. I’m writing this right now, aren’t I?

The first time I saw him, I thought he looked pretty despite having the same facial expressions as Darth Vader. But he’s very sweet. He carries the trays that I can’t because of my joint pain and he often offers to take me home. He is also the first person I’ve told of me being transgender and he still treats me the same.

Yeah, he’s my best friend. I have come to realize that I probably love Gerard, but it’s one of those loves that can never be expressed. Not only is he seeing a girl named Lindsey, but he and I will eventually work together as partners on different films. I can’t see myself leaving his side now. About a month ago, he mentioned applying to other jobs because this one wasn’t paying enough at the time. I remember feeling upset, but wishing him luck nonetheless and stating that I would probably miss him. He only responded with an “ah,” and that was that. He hasn’t left, and the giddy boy with a crush side of me likes to think that it is because of me. But I know better.

He laughs, smiles, and actually talks to other people now. I’m glad he’s being more open, but a part of me is jealous because I, now, will not be the only one who makes him do that. He’s my best friend and I have such thoughts about him, causing me to question everything I have come to believe:

Do not fall in love.

But I want to fall in love with him, which I suppose I already have. I want him to fall in love with me, but he never will because he’s already in love with his girlfriend and I will only ever be another friend to him.

Eventually, he and I get our big break. We come up with an idea for a movie and run with it. We pitch it to people and eventually get enough actors to portray our characters. He and I were really excited and determined to get somewhere. And we did. We won our local film festival and went on to being recognized by bigger organizations willing to invest their money into to newcomers with the hopes that at least one of them would make it. And that was us. A team. We were the best directing pair out there and everyone had screenplays for us to do and put into our own image.

We became successful and our dreams finally came true. Before we knew it, twenty years had come and gone and we were happy living our dream. And he was happy living with his wife and daughter.

I never met anyone who interested me as much as Gerard did, and that’s probably where I went wrong with it all. I was so focused on trying to find someone just like him in order to get the same feeling I did from him, but it never happened. Sure, I’d gone on dates, but it never really turned into anything more. Years back, I’d made my transition into a man, and I was happy, but I could never find someone who was okay with how I was. Except for Gerard. He helped me throughout everything, and I was forever grateful. I just wish he would look at me the same way he looked at his wife.

I wanted him to love me. Like I’d loved him all these years. But it wasn’t meant to happen. I can’t change the way the world works. The way it likes to knock you down, kick dirt in your face, and laugh the entire time. It’s just how it is, and I’ve learned to get back up and accept that.

At least, I thought I did.

“I love you,” I let slip out one night. He and I were sitting in his home theater, watching clips of older movies.

“I love you, too. You’re my best friend,” he smiled. I chuckled almost bitterly.

“Yeah, I thought so.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Frank?” He asked. I'd always liked the name I'd legally changed it to. Maybe because I relate it to Dr. Frankenstein's monster. He created No Name, who turned out to be like a child with no parent. A monster, or at least that’s what people thought because he was technically a part of the living dead.

He wanted to understand. He wanted to learn and love and be accepted. But people jumped to conclusions too fast. He was just misunderstood. Like me.

“Nothing,” I responded. He put his hand on my shoulder.

“Are you sure?” He asked. I turned my head over to look at him and I never thought he looked more beautiful. The reflection of the movie we'd been watching was shining off of the right side of his face, his hazel eyes staring at me with concern, and the way his eyebrows knitted together in confusion made my heart swell. He'd always cared about me and I just couldn't do it anymore.

That was it. After many years together, I couldn’t do it any longer.

I sighed sadly, giving him a bittersweet smile.

“No, actually, I’m not.” He went to reach for the remote, to pause it as he would whenever we were getting into a deeper subject, but I took the remote away and tossed it over my shoulder, not caring where it might have landed. His look became more confused.

“Just listen. Since we first started working together in that theater, I knew that if I could fall in love with anyone, it would probably be you. I was right. Here we are, years later, and I still feel that way. I’ve been in love with you for so long, Gerard.” I watched as he gave me a look of shock and as his lips started to tremble.

“Why did you wait so long to tell me?” I smiled at him, putting my hand over his and clutching onto it tightly.

“Because I knew there would be nothing left for us.” And that was that. I kissed his cheek and bid him farewell. He and I never saw each other except for our movie premieres. We stopped working together and his work had changed drastically. He went from having a little bit of a love story in his movies to have tragic heartbreaks, and it caused me to break inside.

Eventually, I met a very nice girl named Jamia and, after a few years of dating and all that, we were married. Gerard came to our wedding and we spoke for the first time in a long time about something other than doing a good job at our latest project. We went aside from the crowd of our friends, mostly Jamia’s, and talked. Before I knew it, though, his lips were on mine. I stepped away shaking my head. I opened my mouth to say something, but he laughed and spoke instead.

“Yeah, I know. There was always nothing left for us.” We shared a smile and continued talking throughout the night until it was time for him to leave. I couldn’t deny the happiness I felt when he kissed me. It was something I’d wanted for the majority of my life. I sighed contently and lived on the rest of my life, because there was nothing more I could do.

I knew I would always love Gerard Way.

...but at least I knew he felt the same way.

Notes

I've been wanting to write this for a while. I just needed to get this out. Some of this is my own experience, some is from what I've seen others experience. Good luck finding which parts :D Feedback would be pretty cool.

Thanks.

Hopefully, I'll be updating my other stories soon.

-OAIF </3