Chasing Stars

“Jeremy’s nice,” Lindsey said after we had been driving for awhile.

“Jeremy is wrong ok. That is not how I feel. What he said is completely out in left field. He’s wrong,” I stated forcefully. Lindsey just nodded and continued driving.

“Whatever you say,” she answered.

“It not like that. I don’t care if Gerard leaves. I don’t care if Gerard never comes back and I definitely don’t care if he gets in an accident,” I almost yelled to her. There was a moment of silence before she spoke.

“You may not care if Gerard leaves but it’s ok to care that your Dad is leaving. It’s hard when he’s gone. I’m not going to sugar coat it. It’s hard to hug him goodbye and watch him get in the car. It’s hard to not see him every night and have coffee with him every morning. This is his job Rylynn. This is what he enjoys doing,” she pushed.

“Shouldn’t we matter more?” I asked as we pulled into a restaurant. Lindsey let out a sigh as she put the car in park.

“Rylynn we do matter more. I’m here if you want to talk about it but I think you need to give Dad a chance to explain.”

“He’s already explained enough,” I muttered opening the door. We were having an early dinner before Ray and Frank left. Lindsey followed me into the restaurant without another word. I spotted Gerard instantly as I entered the nice restaurant. I paused for a moment not able to walk any closer. Maybe Lindsey and Jeremy had a point. Maybe I was terrified he was going to leave in the same way Mom left. Maybe I was seeing the world through clouded glass. Unable to differentiate between a women who raised me and a man that who barely knew me. I felt a hand grab mine. I looked up to see Lindsey staring back at me.

“Let’s stop by the bathroom first,” Lindsey said quietly so only I heard. I nodded slightly and followed her to the ladies room in the front of the restaurant. Once the door shut behind me she turned around, having been leading the way. “He’s not your mom. He doesn’t know every bit about you. He isn’t perfect. Gerard loves you in so many ways. If he could sit this tour out, he would. You two are just getting to know each other and I know he doesn’t want that to stop. That all being said, take a breathe and we can all talk about this as a family when we get home. Okay?”

“Yeah,” I said swallowing her words down. She began to walk towards the door. “I’ll meet you there, I just need to pee first,” I added once she opened the door. She nodded and exited. I leaned on the water basin looking at my reflection in the mirror. I am not the person I want to be. I am not even a fraction of that person. I had no idea how to get back to that person and maybe I never would. I pushed my weight off of the basin and exited the restroom. I walked to the table, pulling back the only vacant seat between Lindsey and Mikey.

“How was school?” Gerard asked as I picked up my water glass.

“Fine,” I said in a short manner taking a drink of water to calm my nerves. Gerard watched me for a moment as the conversation in the group changed. He said nothing at dinner about my transportation. It almost worried me. After we finished our early dinner and all exited the restaurant, hugging the travelers goodbye.

I quickly said goodbye to Mikey and then walked to Lindsey’s car waiting for her to unlock it. Gerard looking at me for a moment before walking up to me. “Don’t want to ride with me?” Gerard asked catching my eye.

“No, I’d rather ride with Lindsey,” I stated simply.

“Rylynn,” Gerard said quietly. I could hear a hint of pain in his voice. I looked down at my feet before getting the confidence to look back up at him.

“I’d rather ride with Lindsey. At least she’s not going any where,” I said knowing full well my words would sting. Not caring that they would hurt him.

“Ry,” he began but was cut off when Lindsey walked up to them, Bandit in toe.

“Head home from here right?” she asked Gerard. His eyes where still locked with mine, neither of us wavering.

“Yeah, I guess Rylynn’s riding with you,” he stated. Lindsey touched Gerard’s arm in a reassuring way. He finally tore his eyes away from me and looked at Lindsey.

“We’ll all talk at home. Why don’t you take B,” Lindsey suggested. He nodded and reached his hand out towards Bandit as the child eagerly grabbed it. It amazed me the amount of faith she put in him, unfazed by all the errors in his life.

Notes