Kill All Your Friends

Gerard and Frank stayed inside Frank's room until Frank's mother called them for dinner.

"Did you wanna have dinner with us?" Gerard suddenly felt nervous. He hadn't sat down for dinner since the night before Mikey died. That feeling and yearning were both foreign to him. Frank put his hand on the older male's shoulder and gave him a small smile.

"We don't have to eat with them, you know. We can always come back in here. I don't want you to feel pressured." Gerard shook his head.

"I'm not taking you away from your family. Um, sure. I'd love to join you guys," he spoke uneasily. Frank gave him a thankful smile and they walked downstairs together. Gerard instantly noticed that the man sitting at the table holding his mother's hand was not that same man in the pictures. 'They must be divorced,' he thought, brushing it off.

"Hey there. You must be Gerard! I’m John. Come on, son, have a seat. My wife here cooks very well!” He said as he gave a laughed. Gerard stuck his hand out, shaking John’s hand before sitting down across from Frank’s mother.

“So how was school, boys?” Linda asked. Gerard looked up at her shocked, before covering his face to let a few tears out. Gerard thought she sounded so caring, so loving. Something his parents really weren’t. He had a mother and, apparently, a step-father who loved him dearly. He couldn’t ruin Frank with emotional instability. The family was silent for a while, Frank’s parents tempting to ask what was wrong before Frank shook his head and mouthed that he would explain later.

“It was good, you guys. I did some extra credit, didn’t really make any new friends today. All in all, school wasn’t really something to write home about,” Frank said, laughing. His parents smiled dearly at him and carried on a conversation, avoiding making the older male feel awkward. Frank put his hand on Gerard’s under the table and squeezed. He wasn’t expecting Gerard to squeeze back, but it wasn’t unwelcome.

“To answer your question, it’s the same as Frank’s. Nothing to write home about,” he smiled a bit. Frank’s parents smiled back and they continued to eat dinner, Gerard barely stopping to take a breath. Frank and his parents were shocked because Gerard was so skinny.

“I’m glad you like my cooking, dear,” Linda said. Gerard looked up at her as he was putting another spoonful of mashed potatoes in his mouth. His face became a dark shade of red and he nodded, swallowing what food he already had in his mouth.

“Sorry. I normally have decent table manners… It’s just been so long since I’ve had a home-cooked meal.”

“Your mother doesn’t cook for you?” John asked before Frank could stop him. Gerard smiled at Frank.

“No, it’s okay. Um, my parents and I haven’t had the best relationship and it only got worse after my brother killed himself earlier this year,” Gerard explained. Frank was shocked he opened that information up to them. Under the table, Gerard squeezed his hand so tight, he felt his circulation being cut off. Gerard was nervous, he could tell, but if he needed to talk about it, he wasn’t going to stop him. After all, everyone has a breaking point of silence.

Frank’s mother gasped and she reached across the table to put her hand atop Gerard’s, giving it a slight squeeze.

“You poor thing. Tell you what, how about you come over any time you feel yourself craving a meal. Even if it’s every day, you’re absolutely welcome to join us at this table,” she offered.


“No, I couldn’t impose on your family time,” Gerard said, shaking his head but smiling at the offer.

“Let me tell you something, son, and I hope you don’t mind my saying, Frank,” John piped in, “But Frank has never brought a friend home from school. At least not since I’ve been here, so he thinks very highly of you. He feels very adamant about family, so he really doesn’t bring someone he doesn’t trust around here.” Gerard looked over at Frank, who was giving him a shy smile.

“Okay. Nice home cooked meal anytime sounds great. Thank you.” Gerard’s eyes watered again, and this time, instead of holding his hand tighter, Frank hugged him tightly.

“Groooooup huuuuuug!” He yelled loudly, causing the other two family members to get up and hug Gerard as well. “Group hug” wasn’t something Frank used often. It was something he got from his dad. Anytime someone in their family felt upset in any way, he or his father would yell group hug loud enough to be heard throughout the whole house and everyone in there would come rushing to hug everyone. Frank got his “family-time” side from his dad, which he found very ironic, but enjoyed it nonetheless.

Frank looked down at Gerard and noticed him laughing and crying. He wasn’t worried about his tears being sad this time, because he knew they weren’t.

After dinner, they returned to Frank’s room and put on a crappy horror movie to play in the background of what they were really doing: reading.

“Hey, so where’s your dad?” Gerard asked. Frank froze. He was hoping to keep his dad out of his conversations for a long time, but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to ignore Gerard’s questioning seeing as how he basically kicked Gerard’s door that he’d chained up and dragged him out of his comfort zone.

“He’s not around anymore, really,” he answered, still somewhat hoping to avoid the why, but if he knew something about Gerard is that he was a closet curious cat.

“Divorce?” He questioned further. Frank shook his head as he put his book down. Gerard did the same and watched as Frank crawled over to his cabinet and pulled out a photo. He held it up to Gerard.

“This is the last picture my dad and I took together before he killed himself,” he explained. Gerard stared up at him and suddenly thought back to the time when he told Frank he didn’t understand losing someone in that way. He felt horrible. He lost his brother, and that was terrible, but Frank lost his dad... and it suddenly made him wonder how a parent could do that to their kid. He’d never had a close bond with his parents, but he would still be upset if one of them decided to kill themselves. He’d wonder if it were his fault and if it wasn’t, he would wonder why he could make them happy enough to stay.

Frank saw Gerard’s emotions change right in front of him. He saw his eyes grow wide in shock, squint in sadness, grow bolder with anger, and then soften to sadness. He finally looked up from the picture to Frank.

“I’m sor-“

“Don’t!” Frank nearly yelled. “Please don’t say those words to me. I know you mean it, but you should know that after it’s said so many times… it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Honestly, I didn’t want you to know about my dad, because I’d always been known as “Frank, the Boy Whose Father Killed Himself,” but with you, I was only Frank. I know it was wrong to think that way, but I got tired of getting those sympathetic looks, I was tired of the teachers going easy on me when I knew I could easily answer all those questions correctly, I was tired of people becoming my friend for the sole purpose of not really wanting to become my friend but so that just in case I killed myself, too, they could say they tried and didn’t ignore me,” by the end of his ramble, Frank was in tears himself. “But with you, Gerard, you gave me glares, you didn’t know about my dad and I loved that, I had to be the one to claw your walls down instead of the other way around. I could help you and show you it wasn’t your fault before you ended up like me, an emotional fucking wreck with anger issues who doesn’t appreciate the good shit in life,” he sobbed. Frank let himself go in that moment, knowing Gerard would either beat the shit out of him or just leave and never speak to him again.

Gerard let all the information sink in, before grabbing the sobbing boy by the arm and pulling him towards him. He held Frank in the same way he’d held him. Frank had been alone for so long with false friends and had reached out to Gerard to ensure that he knew someone truly cared. Gerard wished he’d known him longer so he could have helped him. Maybe Mikey would have, too, Gerard thought. Maybe Mikey could have seen what the aftermath of a suicide does to the people around the person, but that was selfish thinking. He wished he could bring Frank’s dad back as much as Frank wished he could bring Mikey back. But life didn’t work that way.

It was unfair. Cruel. Vengeful.

Mikey was gone and no amount of wishing on anyone’s wishing could bring him back. For 9 months, he’d been keeping everything bottled up, not even showing any sign of happiness until recently. But Frank was always smiling, always laughing, understanding, and he was the one who could truly bottle things up. Frank was strong, but he couldn’t be strong forever. The boy crying in Gerard’s arm was no longer sixteen years old, but rather eleven all over again.

Frank was the person Gerard needed the most.

Gerard now knew this, but he didn’t realize Frank needed him way more.

More than Gerard would ever need him.

Notes

Here's an update finally. Sorry about the hold up. I'm still extremely... Just.... ugh... I just need someone, anyone...

Before I do something stupid.

I don't know anymore, guys... I don't know.

-OAIF....