Kill All Your Friends

Gerard practically danced home, feeling on top of the world. Frank had shown that his feelings were the same as Gerard’s and he wanted to be with him; he couldn’t be happier. His life was finally looking up. He was getting into the college he wanted, he found a best friend and new love who cared so much for him, and he was set to be Valedictorian. He was finally truly happy and it was all thanks to Frank. He’d really have to thank him one day.

Once he got home, he was surprised to find his parents sitting in the living room together holding hands. Since Mikey’s passing, they hated being in the same room, but a month or so ago, he noticed the fighting stop and the affection in their relationship come back. Although he wouldn’t admit it to himself, he smiled at the couple and went on to his room. If his parents were happy, that was good. He didn’t really care one way or the other because he wasn’t going to be here much longer, but he would say that he was content with how they were now. He sat on his bed just smiling at nothing and at everything. He was where he wanted to be now, and even though he wished Mikey were here to share this happiness with him, Gerard was positive he felt it. Mikey was always the happy-go-lucky guy in the group and he was proud of his brother for remaining strong for so long.

He laid down and stared at the ceiling, thinking over how tomorrow was going to end. After his talk with Ray, he’d probably head to the store to buy something for Frank and then go give it to him. Gerard was positive that this Halloween was going to be one he wouldn’t forget. He was thankful to the younger man who was now becoming seventeen. It felt a little weird that he would be dating Frank because of the age difference, but there was nothing wrong with it because they were both going to be happy. He just wanted his talk to be over and done with, so he could spend his time with Frank. He hated to think of Frank sitting alone at home with nothing but the thoughts of a birthday he could have had, had his father not given in to his demons. It was wrong to think that, he knew, but Gerard couldn’t help but resent Frank’s father for him for destroying someone who could’ve been the happiest kid alive. Sure, Frank was a happy man now, but his smile was held together by willpower and tape because he ran out of glue.

He still had yet to ask Frank what his father was like, but he decided now was a bad time with where his mind currently was because of his birthday. Gerard figured doing his homework would get his mind off of his best friend until midnight when he would send a happy birthday text his way. His math was probably the easiest to complete, only a few pages of equations while English beat him down a bit. He was very good at writing essays, but his prompt was challenging: Write about a family memory. It was difficult because he didn’t have a lot of good memories, but one did spring to mind.

Back when Gerard and Mikey were both very young, their parents decided a trip to the beach would be nice. They packed up the car and headed off. The whole car ride was filled with singing their favorite songs that came on the radio and laughing at some stupid things each other said. Mikey and Gerard had both laughed to the point of tears and pain in their sides, and they couldn’t be happier with how much fun they were having. Once they finally arrived at the beach, the boys and their father all ran to the sea and jumped into the first wave they could get to. It was Gerard’s favorite memory with his parents and brother, and actually their last. A couple of weeks after that, their father got a promotion and spent more time away from their home; as a result, their mother became harder to please and was easily agitated. Most of the day she was fine and fun sometimes, but once dinner time rolled around and their father was late once again, she became detached and would get frustrated if they so much as sighed wrong.

They hardly spent time as a family anymore when their father finally had a day off, it was always only their mother and father going on an outing together as if the boys’ existence was a nuisance on their relationship. Thankfully, that was around the time they met Ray and Bob came along a year later. Ray, Gerard thought, was always all-knowing. Like he could make accurate guesses based upon his surroundings, much like Frank. Maybe that was why the two could get along so well and knew when to step away before butting heads. Bob was the silent guy who could tell when you’re upset and would offer a listening ear.
Those two guys were the Way brothers’ wall and attachment to sanity. Without them, they probably would’ve been all alone, so Gerard and Mikey always did their best to make it up to them. Offered their home for their gaming tournaments and movie marathons, cooked the food during their weekend sleepovers, because they knew how to take care of themselves. Because their parents were always gone on the weekends, they cooked for themselves and washed their own clothes and would do the grocery shopping with the allowance they received because their mother couldn’t be bothered with ‘cooking for someone who wouldn’t show up anyways.’

Gerard shook his head to forget about that. Everything was as fine as they could be despite his brother being gone. He had Linda’s home cooking, a new family who actually cared about him and his wellbeing, and a best friend who had proven to him time and time again that he would do anything for him, even if it hurt him. Although Gerard wasn’t crazy about how little Frank cared for himself, he was grateful.

Once midnight rolled around, he pulled his phone out and sent Frank a happy birthday and, after some thought, a heart after it. He tossed his phone down on the desk in front of him before covering his face in embarrassment. He regretted sending the heart. Would Frank think it was weird? Would he laugh at him? Would he completely ignore it? Would that even make Gerard feel better? He didn’t have time to guess the worst scenario because Frank’s reply came. He fumbled for it and opened the message.

‘Thank you <3’

And then he was relieved. He smiled to himself, thinking about how their relationship would change soon. He’d be able to hold the young man without having to worry if he was being too weird, he’d be able to kiss him and hold his hand and protect him from all the harm that could possibly be out to get him, including the man himself. Gerard knew it was only a matter of time before Frank needed the help he was giving him. Finally, feeling tired after completing his homework along with some studying, he laid down in bed, hoping for tomorrow to be over quick so he could finally be with Frank.

Frank couldn’t sleep that night, scared of what tomorrow held. Suddenly, a part of him wished he’d just left Gerard alone, but he knew the older man was the best thing to ever happen to him. Not even Helena was as important as Gerard, but maybe that’s because the little infant held as a reminder that John was here to stay. He didn’t mind the man. In fact, he really liked him, but John wasn’t his dad and he never could be. Frank didn’t want him to be. With Helena here, it became clear to Frank that they were both here to stay. The smile on his mother’s face was so big and it pained him because he wasn’t the only one to make her like that anymore. He was jealous of a baby despite being, now, seventeen, causing him to feel even more ashamed. Her loved her, no doubt, and she going to be raised by two amazing people and he’s going to try to be an amazing brother while he’s here, but he can’t help but feel envious of her soon-to-be cozy upbringing.

Frank spent most of the next day pacing in his room and occasionally running to the restroom to puke up into the toilet due to nerves. He couldn’t take the gut-wrenching feelings anymore and decided getting ready to go out was a way to take it off his mind. It was only three in the afternoon, but he decided he would get to the café early. He’d been texting Ray all day to assure him that he would be there. He came up with a signal he could use in case Gerard became too violet or something of the sort and Frank could step in and try to help. The signal was to pull on his earlobe and cough, something Ray had come up with. The whole idea of today was to go to the café and get comfortable with each other before heading out to the park near the shop and that’s when Ray was going to tell him.

When Frank was dressed and ready, he went downstairs and gave his mother a look of sorrow that said it all.

“Good luck, sweetheart,” she said softly in the quiet room. Frank gave her a forced smile, trying his best to make it real, but failing. She understood and gave him a nod before waving at him as he left. He got into the car and buckled up, and taking a few deep breaths. He was on the edge of his seat, practically dying from his nerves. He didn’t know what he would do at all if Gerard got really upset. He’d met Gerard when he was in his ‘shut down’ stage, but Ray had mentioned that his behavior was extremely erratic in the beginning and he didn’t know how he’d deal with that. It was selfish, but what he was most afraid of was losing his relationship with Gerard- the romantic relationship- and going back to the guy who was popular within his fake friends. He hadn’t talked to them in a few months, but if things went extremely south with Gerard, he could try to weasel his way back into the group. Maybe they’d let him.

If Gerard made it clear that he didn’t want Frank in his life anymore, but there was nothing Frank could do but comply with his wishes. After all, everything he did now was for the older man. Sure, he was positive that he’d probably die without his best friend, but if that’s what Gerard wanted, then that’s what Frank would give him. From the beginning, he was sure that Gerard was going to be the one who grew wings and flew away from him, and maybe this was the time it was going to happen. He couldn’t keep Gerard so restrained in his grip. He loved Gerard to his final breath, but he’d let him go if that’s what the other man wanted.

He arrived at the café faster than he wished and went inside. He ordered a small hot chocolate, fitting for the season and took a seat in a small booth in the back. From here, he had a good view of the whole café, but there wouldn’t be many people who could see him from how the café was designed. Even if they did, he planned to keep in head down and his hoodie up to keep his face concealed. He told Ray where he would be sitting so the man knew to choose a spot decently close to him, but not too close to be recognized. He looked at the time on his phone. He now had to wait half an hour until they came in here. He sighed, wishing he hadn’t been too impatient.

Gerard sat at his tree in the school yard waiting for Ray to come back. He’d forgotten a book in his locker and needed to tell Bob he was going home alone. He didn’t know if the two men were a couple since he hadn’t seen anything aside from the kiss all those months ago, but it wasn’t any of his business so he wouldn’t bother with it. Whatever Ray and Bob were or did with each other was any of his concern, but he was worried because they would always be his friends, even if he was terrible at being one right now. He smiled softly, thinking that it was finally time to get back to his small group, Frank included. They could become a new group in honor of Mikey, he thought. After all, Bob was right. Mikey wouldn’t want things to continue on as they have been. Gerard figured today was the day to apologize to Ray, and then Bob soon, and tell him he was ready to come back.

“Hey, I’m ready to go. Sorry about that. I’m forgetful,” Ray said as he jogged up. Gerard stood, a small smile on his face which shocked Ray and made him feel guiltier than ever.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s get to the café, I could use some tea right about now,” Gerard said. They walked to the student parking lot and got in Ray’s car. After buckling in, Gerard turned to him.

“So what do you have to tell me?” He asked. Ray tensed as he started the car.

“I’ll tell you after some drinks, yeah? I just wanna talk for a bit first.” Gerard shrugged and the two were on their way. Ray sat driving, trying not to soil his pants while Gerard hummed softly to the song playing on the radio. Ray felt terrible because Gerard was in an extremely great mood and he was no doubt about to ruin it. He wished he’d been honest with Mikey from the start and told him he loved him too, but he was too afraid. And it was too late. And he was gone, forever. It was something Ray had to live with for the rest of his life, knowing one of his best friend’s took his own life partially because he didn’t have the guts to say he loved him, too. It was something Ray thought about every day since Gerard went over and told him the news. It was a nightmare he had every night. Always the same.

In his dreams, he’d been standing before Mikey as he put his head through the loop of the rope. He always ran to try and stop him, but his body wouldn’t move. Every time before the younger boy let himself fall, he’d look directly at Ray and say, “Why couldn’t you just tell me?” and then he was gone. He thought he was going to be able to keep this information to himself for the rest of his life, but after meeting Frank, he knew he’d find out sooner or later. He was relieved when he did finally get that message from the sixteen-year-old and although he was scared, he felt a weight off of his shoulders when he finally said everything out loud. When Frank had stated that he wanted him to tell Gerard, he’d never been more terrified about anything in his life, and now here he was. About to do that. About to confess his sin to his best friend. About to lose him, too.

He was aware that Frank was risking a lot, too, and it was something that the man had brought up to him once, saying he was frightened he was going to lose him. It was then Ray had realized the freshman’s feelings for Gerard and that’s also when he realized Frank more at risk than he was. He felt for him.

The two men ordered their drinks and after Ray spotted and made small eye contact with Frank in the back corner, he chose the booth right in front of him.

“So, what are you planning on doing after high school?” Gerard asked after a few awkward minutes of silence. Ray stared down at his drink, slightly afraid to drink anything out of fear of pissing himself.

“I’m actually in a band. After I graduate, we’re planning on going on a small tour,” he said. They band was Ray’s life. Well, that and Bob. His boyfriend. They’ve been together for about five months. He loved Mikey, yes, but he was more than fine with Bob being his life partner. They’d been through a lot together after all.

“That’s pretty cool, man. You always talked about being in one. I hope that works out for you,” Gerard smiled. Ray returned it, and then decided to take a drink of his Dr. Pepper.

“Thanks,” he nodded. “What about you?” He asked. Gerard lit up instantly.

“I’m going to art school. In fact, I have an interview with my first choice on the seventh. Frank and I are going together. I’m really excited!” He exclaimed, sipping happily on his tea. Ray felt as though his heart was ready to burst. Gerard was just so happy now, and that was a big change from the person he had recently been before Frank came along. He was shocked to see how easily the other man smiled, especially when it came to his younger friend. Ray could see it then as well; Gerard liked Frank and it made him happy as well as sad.

“That’s great, Gerard! I’m sure you’ll get in, no doubt about it. You kick ass when it comes to drawing,” Ray said, causing Gerard to throw his head back slightly and laugh. He loved the look on Gerard face. He wished it would stay, but he could almost see the smile drop as he told him the news. The news that it was all Ray’s fault. The two sat in the booth making small talk and drinking their beverages until finally they were done. By that time, it was as if the two had never stopped talking, as if Mikey was still alive, as if everything was okay. And maybe it could’ve been, but the world sometimes doesn’t give you a break when you want it. Only when you need it.

They exited the café and walked on to the park. They laughed at old stories of the whacky things they used to do as a group, especially on Halloween. One time, they went around stuffing huge fake bugs in people’s pockets and watching for their reactions, or that time they T.P’d the house of the guy who was giving Mikey a hard time before throwing eggs at the dude’s parent’s car. It was one of the best nights they ever had, next to their Star Wars marathon that ended with a small fire when Bob wanted to see if you could actually cook cereal. No one wanted to stop him because they, too, were curious, but that wasn’t anything they’d talk about for Bob’s sake. As the two walked along, Frank was never far behind, hearing all of what they were saying and trying to prevent his heart from breaking with how twisted the situation was. Finally, when they came to a small stone bench near the trail they were walking along, they took a seat, Frank standing behind a tree not far from where they were and out of sight. He could see Ray only, which was fine by him. He didn’t want to see how Gerard would react.

“Hey, Gerard?” Ray said after a while, his voice shaking. Gerard turned and looked at him, giving him a small smile.

“Yeah?” He asked. He watched as Ray took his phone out and scrolled through it before handing it to him, eyes full of tears. “What is this?” Gerard asked before peering down at the phone.

‘February 14, 2015
Message from: Mikeyy :)
I saw you and Bob kissing, but I will still love you until I die’

Gerard’s head shot up. “Ray, what is this?” He asked hesitantly. Ray averted his eyes as the tears spilled.

“It was my fault, Gerard. He-He loved me and I was afraid you wouldn’t think I was good enough so I turned him down and… and this is what happened. I’m so, so sorry, Gerard!” Ray cried, trying to wipe his tears away, but only managing to spread the salty liquid all over his face.

“Ray, what,” he swallowed, “what the fuck are you talking about?” He whispered. Ray finally looked into his eyes and kept his gaze planted.

“I’m the reason Mikey is gone,” he confessed. “He sent that message to me that night and I didn’t answer because I didn’t know how to. Maybe I could’ve saved him, Gerard, but I didn’t. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I loved him and now he’s gone.” They sat there in silence for a moment before Gerard put the pieces together in his mind.

‘Hey, Gerard, I’m in love!’

The smile on Mikey face when he said that had warmed his heart and suddenly the sad smile he had on his face made sense to Gerard. Mikey was in love with a guy. With one of their best friends. With Ray.

‘Oh, they said no, but I’ll keep trying!’

Ray had turned him down, but his little brother was so determined to prove to their friend that he was serious about how he felt despite the age gap. Mikey loved Ray. Ray had turned him down. Ray had taken his brother.

‘Is… Is that Ray and Bob?’

He didn’t register the pained look on his brother’s face until now, when it was much too late. Ray had turned his lovable brother down for their other friend and all of this drama was happening right in front of him. He didn’t even realize it. His brother needed him to notice how he was feeling, but he didn’t. Not until the full truth had been revealed to him.

‘You’re the best brother and friend ever, Gerard. I love you.’

No, he wasn’t, Gerard thought. He was the worst brother anyone could ever think to want. He loved Mikey with all his heart, and he thought he was doing okay. But when it came down to the time he really needed him, Gerard failed. He let him feel so much pain and let him take his life and let him die alone, thinking no one cared. He could never go back in time to tell his brother that his death would affect so many people. He could never go back and be a better sibling, giving Mikey the reassurance that he needed to live. He could never do so many things and it was his fault. It was Ray’s fault. It was Mikey’s, and his parents, and Bob’s. They’d never realized how much he was hurting. Only one person and he did nothing. Gerard’s let his thoughts of guilt, and blame, and hatred consume him. He turned back to the person next to him.

The person Mikey was in love with and the person who turned him down, the person who broke his heart, and the person that killed him was his own best friend. The man he trusted with everything he had. The man who spent countless nights at the house just to keep them company. The man who they called when they needed help beating a game. The man they were planning on being best friend’s with forever. Ray Toro.

Gerard stood, clutching the phone tightly in his hands. Ray froze, and Frank got ready for the signal if it came.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” He yelled. “You kept the message?! What kind of sick fuck does that?!” He all but screamed. Ray flinched, thankful no one was around. Far too busy getting ready for Halloween. “Is it some kind of trophy?!” Ray said nothing. “Fucking answer me!” He yelled, throwing the phone at Ray who didn’t catch it before it made contact with his temple, causing him to let out a yelp and clutch his head. Frank shifted, ready to go when Ray needed him to. He tried to ignore the pain in Gerard’s voice, but it was surrounding him and he wanted to go and hold him, but he needed to stay still. This needed to happen.

“I’m so sorry, Gerard!” Ray cried, tears streaming down his face and neck. Gerard stepped forward, causing Ray to flinch. He’d never seen him so angry, but this was about his brother and that was to be expected.

“Sorry isn’t going to bring him back, Ray! If it did, I’m sure he would fucking live forever with how many times I’ve said it! Now answer me, why did you keep the message?” He repeated through gritted teeth.

“It was a reminder of what I’ve done and what I didn’t do…” Ray said quietly. Gerard growled before launching himself at Ray who didn’t see in time to dodge him.

“He was my brother, Ray! He was my brother and you took him away from me!” Gerard sobbed, landing blows to the other’s face. His own hands were throbbing from the hits, but he didn’t care. Pain was the only thing the world had delivered to him, and he knew now that it was a friend. Pain was the only one there for him, alongside Frank, who was his anchor to the world.

“Frank!” Ray yelled, catching Gerard off guard. Before the older man knew it, he was being pulled off of Ray.

“No! No! Let me go! He deserves it… The sick motherfucker deserves it!” He screamed, trying to fight off the person holding him back. He turned his head back and saw the face of his best friend. “What are you doing here, Frank?” He asked, his fight wearing out of him.

“I wasn’t going to let you out here on your own, Gerard,” he said. Then a thought crossed Gerard’s mind.

“Did you know this, Frank? All of it? The whole story?” He asked, his heart racing. Frank’s face contorted in pain and that’s when he knew the answer. Gerard fought out of his grip and pushed him away. “Why didn’t you, of all people, tell me?”

“Gerard, I told you that it wasn’t my story to tell; It wasn’t my place,” Frank tried to reason calmly, but on the inside he was breaking. He knew he was losing his best friend. Gerard shook his head.

“Fuck you. I never want to see either of you again…” He said harshly before storming off, tears never ceasing to cascade down his face. Frank stood there in shocking, watching as the man walked away. The only man he’ll probably ever love.

Gerard couldn’t believe any of it. Ray had been the reason and Frank had known and decided not to tell him. His reason was bullshit. He’d lost everyone. His brother, his best friends, and then man he loved with all his being. He couldn’t believe Frank let him kiss him while knowing what he did. He couldn’t believe Frank would stick around without telling him. He couldn’t believe he fell in love with someone like that. Gerard found himself at the gates of the cemetery where Mikey was buried. He hadn’t been there since the funeral, but maybe he could go and apologize for being a shit brother and not noticing what was going on with him.

Even though he’d only followed the trail to his brother’s plot once, he could walk there with his eyes closed. He’d never forget how heavy his feet felt carrying his casket upon his shoulders; it was something he’d never forget no matter how hard he tried. Walking through this too familiar trail, he suddenly felt the hardness of the casket weighing him down, making it harder to walk. But he was determined to make it to his brother. He was determined to apologize for his ignorance. He was determined to join him as soon as possible.

Notes

I'd been planning exactly how this would go since the first chapter and I hope it was done correctly. I hope it was worth the tension and foreshadowing. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Also, thank you so much for the 45 subscribers! It really means tons to me and I hope you have all enjoyed where this story has been going! <3

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