It was hard for Amanda to snap out of her self-involvement when Gerard came home. She was torn apart and shredded on the inside, her mind unable to properly focus on anything. He seemed to put it down to her not feeling well, and in a change of roles he tried to take care of her. He asked if she wanted food, did she want tea, was there anything she wanted. All she could do was shake her head and curl up on the couch and stare at the TV mindlessly. He seemed at a loss about how to take her sudden change of mood. His own feelings were still raw. The only thing she wanted was Frank. Something in her heart told her Frank would react to the situation better than Gerard.

Frank, deep down, did want what Gerard wanted. Amanda hadn’t forgotten the conversation when he had spilled his guts to her; she had seen the pain he felt over the loss of the type of family he planned. He wanted a family of his own. She knew part of the reason he walked away was because he felt like she and Gerard deserved what he had always wanted. She was certain that Gerard and Frank would have talked about children but something had held them back. Adoption wasn’t something that would satisfy both their need to have a child of their own, and surrogacy was messy and full of complications so they had silently decided against those options and agreed to not go down the path of having children. Well, Frank had. Gerard would have gone for the surrogacy route she was certain, they had the money to do it but Frank was probably too afraid of what might happen if the woman changed her mind, or they realised they couldn’t cope. Frank would rather walk away, or deprive himself rather than go through the pain of losing what was important to him. If it was unplanned, out of his control, he would accept it. He would see it as a sign it was meant to happen. Frank was a believer in the idea that everything happened for a reason. Where Gerard would freak out over the suddenness of the situation, much like Amanda was, Frank would take it in his stride. He would calm Gerard down and make him see that it was a good thing. He could calm Amanda down and get rid of her fears.

Amanda didn’t have that power over Gerard. She could ignite his passionate side, or his compassion and empathy. She made him anything other than calm, hence why he had been so controlling and demanding. She accepted that, and in a way she enjoyed it. Any rational self proclaimed feminist would string her up for admitting such a thing but it was true. She saw it as a sign of his love. Her father had been a controlling man, especially when it came to his daughters. He never let them out to parties in high school, didn’t let them date and certainly never let them out if he didn’t know where they were, and who they were with. When they reached University he calmed down, acknowledging that they were going to have to take control of their own lives. That had been a hard adjustment for Amanda. As stifling as it was, it had given her security. Gerard gave her that same sense of security she longed for. Frank seemed to provide the other side of the coin for her. He was easy going and comforting when she needed a break from all the intensity. She hadn’t realised just how much she needed him, how much she loved him, until he had gone. It made her pain far more acute as she began to regret how she hadn’t appreciated him. He was the glue that held her and Gerard together.

Now, it was Thursday morning and she was on her own. Gerard had told her to stay at home and get some rest. It was difficult to do, knowing that it was hard for him to leave her when all he wanted was for her to stay with him and give him the comfort he needed. Amanda was glad though. Gerard was the most observant person she had met, and she knew it wouldn’t take him long to figure out the reason she was getting sick. She wasn’t ready to tell him yet. She was afraid of telling him that she was pregnant, with a child that may or may not be his, his ex boyfriend’s, or Andy’s. She knew realistically the chances of it being Andy’s was low. It had been one night weeks ago, with protection, but she wasn’t going to delude herself into believing that it was completely out of the realm of possibility. It would be unlikely, but not a miracle. She pondered whether she should even bring it up. If she told the truth it would make a bad situation even more volatile. Her deepest fear was being left completely on her own and by reminding Gerard about her night with Andy all those weeks ago it could make her fear a reality.

She spent that morning restless, pacing the house in agitation in between her trips to the bathroom. The vomiting stopped shortly after two, helping her to clear her head enough to think about her situation and how she should handle it. She knew what she wanted, but it seemed like it was out of her reach. Her longing to talk to Frank, to hear his calming words, was reaching boiling point. She wondered if she should pick up the phone and call him, but in her heart she knew he wouldn’t answer. She could send him a text or an e-mail, but that was no way to tell him what was going on, and there was no guarantee he would read either or respond. The house began to feel claustrophobic, the cold sterility made it seem like the white walls were becoming smaller and smaller as the seconds ticked by. She needed to get out of the house. She didn’t check how she looked before she left, after being sick all morning she didn’t care how she looked. She just wanted to get away from the house that held so many once happy memories that were slowly turning bittersweet.

She jumped into the car with no destination in mind. She drove into the city and parked the car in a parking lot. She planned to walk around until she found a place she wanted to be. She walked down the bust street, barely taking in anything that was going on around her. Everything that was going on in her mind was distracting her to the point where she couldn’t concentrate. Nothing was important, nothing mattered; nothing except the shit storm that her life was slowly being engulfed in. The pregnancy was the last thing she needed even if there were no other complications in her life. Babies were something she had thought about, and wanted, but she had always thought that they would be years down the line when she was more settled and secure. She may be an adult but she was far from mature enough to take care of another person, especially one that would be so helpless and dependant on her. The baby would cry and it would need attention and affection around the clock. She couldn’t take off and do whatever she pleased at a moment’s notice; the baby would be an anchor weighing her down. She would love the baby though, which was her one consolation while she swam the depths of despair. The baby, even if it was bad timing or hard work, was something that fate had thrown her way and she wasn’t going to be ungrateful for it. She just wished the timing was better.

The cold weather started to seep into her bones after an hour of trailing the city. She decided to get a cup of tea before starting the journey back to the car. She found herself outside a little café that Frank had once told her about, exclaiming that it made the best cappuccinos, but the hot chocolates sucked. She regretted not going with him when he had asked her one time, but she had been so exhausted she had told them they would go another time. She hesitated before going inside, feeling a thrill of anxiety at the reminder of Frank but the biting cold forced her inside. She stepped inside, smiling a little at the sound of the little bell that informed everyone she was coming inside. The place was tiny, with only two people working behind the white marbled top counter but it had a nice homely feel to it. The place even had a fire going, the crackling sound reminding her of her childhood in winter time when her father would light the fire in their sitting room. She took the few steps needed to reach the counter, returning the waitress’s smile when she took her order. Her tea was given to her in a ‘to go’ cup, she would need the heat from the tea when she made her trip back. She sat at a small table right in front of the large window, which was frosted. It gave her a perfect view of outside but anybody looking in wouldn’t be able to see anything but her silhouette. She held the cup in her hands, seeking the extra warmth it gave her shivering body. Anybody watching her would have seen how she stared at the cup as though waiting for it to give her answers to all her problems. Her eyes were unfocused, unblinking and full of wariness as she slumped in the hard plastic chair.

The place was eerily quiet, but she supposed that wasn’t unusual at half four in the afternoon. She suspected that in another hour it would be filled with people grabbing a quick cup before they made their journey home in rush hour traffic. It made the sound of the bell ring out louder and shaper than intended. Amanda jumped in her seat, the noise pulling her out of her reverie. She raised her head to get a glimpse of the person who so cruelly disturbed her, and her heart stopped at the sight.

It was Frank. He looked like hell with his unshaven jaw, his messy hair and wrinkled clothes. The bags under his eyes could be seen from where she sat and his face was pale in the unhealthiest way. He looked like he had lost a few pounds in the few days since she had last seen him, frightening her as he was already thin. His voice when he ordered his cappuccino was hallowed and void of any emotion. It was a strange sound to her ears as it contrasted so heavily with his normal enthusiasm. She blinked several times, making sure he was really there and not some kind of hallucination brought on by her aching heart. He didn’t see her and she was glad. It gave her time to get her scrambled thoughts together and figure out what she should say. She knew this was her one chance to talk to him, to try and make things right. She didn’t want to blow it by saying the wrong thing, as she was apt at doing when under stress.

She watched him with wide eyes, taking in his every move. His shoulders were slumped as though he carried a great height. He stood at the counter, waiting for his coffee. He had no intention of staying, cutting her time to evaluate the situation. She panicked when she saw the waitress hand him his coffee, which he took with a gloved hand and a tight fake smile. She hurried to out her jacket back on, forgetting her tea. He walked out the door before she stood up, forcing her to run out the door after him. She quickly looked to her left and right, quickly spotting him taking hurried steps up the street.

‘Frank!’ She yelled in panic. She didn’t care that people looked at her as she ran to close the distance between them.

He turned around with a confused expression, searching the sidewalk for whoever called him. When his eyes landed on her anxious face fighting her way through the crowd she saw the conflicting emotions on his face. He was torn between turning around and walking away, and staying to listen to whatever she had to say. He stayed still, letting her breach the gap between them. He took the sight of her in, and she wondered if she looked half as bad as he did. Perhaps she looked worse, considering she spent most of the morning puking her guts up. He didn’t make any move to speak, or to give her any indication on how she should proceed.

‘Frank’ she whispered.

All the words she wanted to say were backed up and jumbled up in her frazzled brain as she stared at him helplessly. She had too much to say and she had no idea if she had enough time to say it all. The people that walked passed them faded into nonexistence while she gazed at the one person who could take her pain away.

‘Amanda, whatever you have-‘

‘We need to talk. It’s important.’

‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, not right now.’

‘Please’ she begged, hearing the plea in her voice and unable to care at how pathetic she sounded.

His expression was pained, mixed with anger at her persistence.

‘Follow me’ he muttered, continuing in the direction he had been taking before she stopped him.

She followed him silently, using the time to plan what she needed to say. The journey was surprisingly quick. No more than three minutes as he took her into a hotel. She guessed it was where he had stayed the last few nights. He pressed the buttons in the elevator without saying a word to her, letting them both simmer in the tense silence. There was so much that needed to be said on both sides that caused tension to fill the elevator. They got off on the second floor. She followed him into a room that was two doors away from the elevator doors. She closed the door behind her gently, her hands and body shaking with nerves as she began to feel pressure of the stakes that were at risk if she didn’t get it right. He looked at her expectedly, again waiting for her to get the conversation started.

The eloquent words she had planned, which included a passionate speech were lost the moment their eyes met.

‘I’m pregnant.’

His face fell, along with the coffee that had been held tightly in his hands. He jumped back to avoid the boiling liquid, looking at the damage done to the carpet before looking at her again.

‘What?’

‘I’m pregnant. It could be yours, or Gerard’s. I don’t know.’

Hearing the words aloud broke the barrier she had built between herself and her emotions. The tears that had been building up for the last four days began to tumble down her cheeks, and her lungs began to work too hard to keep her body calm. She took a few gasping breaths before she broke down in sobs, her whole body shaking as her hands automatically went to cover her face. She felt a pair of arms wrap around her, offering her comfort. She leaned into the embrace, greedily taking the warmth she had been pining for since he left. She circled her arms around him, clutching him tightly to ensure he wasn’t going anywhere.

‘It’s okay Amanda, it’s all gonna be okay’ he cooed softly.

‘I don’t want to do it without you Frank. I c-can’t. N-nothing’s been ri-right since you left. It fucking hurts so much. I don’t kn-know when it ha-happened but somewhere down the l-line something ch-changed. I know you d-don’t feel the same way but I need you. I love you, and I w-want you to stay. Please don’t go.’ She buried her head in his chest, her anguish making her subconsciously hold him tighter.

His soothing rubbing of her back stopped at her words, and she knew her words took him by surprise. She had never given him an indication that her feelings for him went beyond attraction and mutual affection. Now, she was standing in his hotel room and confessing a truth she hadn’t realised she was hiding. She didn’t look at his face to see his reaction. She couldn’t.

‘Amanda I-‘ his tone was grave, and Amanda’s panic went into overdrive at the thought of him saying no.

What if it wasn’t enough for him? Maybe she was wrong and he wouldn’t care about the baby that was possibly his. What if he really wanted to cut his ties and move on, what if she had no words or arguments strong enough to convince him to come back?

‘Please Frank, I-‘

‘Amanda, just…just shut up, okay?’

His hands moved away from her back as he took a step back. He cupped her face, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears that were staining her cheeks and forcing her to look him in the eye. His eyes were glassy and full of emotion. His expression wasn’t angry, or pained. His breathing was slightly erratic, and the hands that held her cheeks were shaking. In that moment, she knew he felt the same way. The pain and suffering that was etched on his face wasn’t just because he missed Gerard. He had missed her too. The relief on his face from hearing her words was evidence of that. She didn’t know how long the stood there before he brought his lips down to meet hers in a kiss.

Suddenly, everything felt like it was going to be okay.

Notes

Hi everybody,

So, one more chapter left folks. I can't say when it will be up, but I shouldn't imagine it being up any later than next Monday. I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter but if I hold on to it too much longer I'll never put it up. The next chapter will be an epilogue, based eighteen months later.

So, what are you guys thinking? Was this chapter what you expected? What do you think will happen in the last chapter?

Also, I had an idea. I'm thinking of writing a prequel around Gerard and Frank's relationship, how they met and got together etc. I never thought I would ever consider writing a freard but I'm actually quite attached to Gerard and Frank, so let me know if there's any interest in that.

As always, I hope you enjoyed and I hope you come back to read the last chapter. Until then my dears :)