Three is a Crowd

It was Sunday midday, and Amanda sat in the coffee shop nervously waiting for Mariana to arrive. She knew it was time to let someone in on what was happening in her life. She felt like everything was spinning out of control and it was making her nauseous. She had hoped she would be able to keep it a secret from her friends but the events with Andy were plaguing her, and she needed someone to talk to. Gerard and Frank were obviously out of the question, so now she was turning to the only other person she could trust. She was fearful that Mariana would be disgusted with her, that she would no longer view her in the same light. She could only hope that their years of friendship would make Mariana overlook her prejudice and give her some good advice. She was riddled with doubts about what she had done to Andy, and if it was the right choice. She knew in her heart she had picked the person who meant the most to her, but she needed reassurance from an outside source.

She smiled when she saw Mariana approaching. She stood up when Mariana reached the table and pulled her into a hug, something she was in dire need of. She repressed her longing to cry, she knew it would set Mariana on a rant if she saw the tears. Right now she needed some good, level headed advice rather than a lecture. She just hoped she had turned to the right person.

‘Long time, no see honey. Where have you disappeared to?’ Mariana asked with affection, her voice light and sweet as she shrugged her jacket off and took the seat opposite Amanda. She took a grateful sip of the coffee Amanda had already ordered for her.

‘That’s what I want to talk to you about. Mariana…there’s some stuff going on and I just…God I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.’ Her voice wavered, she was quickly losing her battle to remain calm and not cry.

‘Shit, Mandy…calm down honey. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Just start from the beginning okay?’

Amanda took a calming breath and clasped her shaking hands together.

‘Just…before you say anything, let me finish okay?’

‘Okay, I promise.’

‘I guess it all began when I started working for Dark Horse…’

She rambled on for over half an hour, explaining the entire situation to Mariana, who watched Amanda talk with unwavering eyes. Her expression gave nothing away, and it spurred Amanda on to continue her story. She could feel the relief sink into her system as the words came out like vomit that needed to be spilled from her guts before she could recover. Her words were spoken faster the closer she came to finishing.

‘So, I told him I didn’t love him, that I loved Gerard. Then he left.’

She finally looked at Mariana and saw the shock written all over her face. Mariana took her time getting her wits together after hearing the full story. When she was able to speak again her words came out high pitched and irate.

‘Are you fucking crazy? You chose a self serving, possessive asshole over a guy that cares about you and treats you with some fucking decency?’

‘He’s not self serving Mari, he’s…’

‘I don’t care what you say in his defence; you will never get me to believe that he’s the better guy. Sure, he got messed around by his boyfriend, but that’s no excuse for his behaviour. And you, letting yourself get involved with someone you knew had a boyfriend? I know you love him, but Jesus Christ you’re fucking asking for heartbreak! What on earth makes you think Frank won’t give him an ultimatum? That it’s you or him? Gerard may genuinely love you, but it’s obviously not enough if he can’t choose you. He probably doesn’t even love himself, how can he love anyone?’

The words caught Amanda by surprise.

‘What makes you say that?’

Mariana sighed.

‘He left a girlfriend of how many years for Frank, to be told that he wasn’t enough. That would make anyone feel shit about themselves, like they weren’t worthy of being loved. He saw you, realised your feelings and took advantage of it. He wanted to feel loved by someone who thought he was enough. Then of course you go and fuck someone else like a common hoe and give him more issues. I can understand why he acts the way he does but that doesn’t mean you should stay with him. You don’t owe him anything.’

Mariana’s words hit Amanda like a train. She had always known deep down that Gerard’s actions stemmed from insecurity, but hearing the words come from someone else’s mouth put it into perspective for her.

‘I know he loves me Mariana.’

Amanda’s words were spoken quietly, almost inaudible to Mariana’s ears. Mariana’s body language changed at the words and she slumped in the chair as though defeated. Her expression softened from mild anger into a look of sympathy.

‘Mandy, I can’t tell you what to do. I don’t know much in this world, none of us do really. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that you can’t tell the heart what it wants. I wish I could convince you that Gerard, and Frank by extension, are no good for you but words are useless when it comes to matters of the heart. If they make you happy, or if you think they can, then that’s all that matters. I suppose what you need to ask yourself is, are you happier with Gerard, baggage and all, or without him?’

‘I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want to.’

‘Then there’s nothing more for me to say really. You can try and get all the reassurance you want from me but at the end of the day none of that matters if you really love him. Life’s too short to be miserable Amanda, so if you find the person who makes you happy then you’re doing better than most people. I just don’t want you getting hurt.’

There was a pregnant pause in the air between the two women as they looked at each other, neither of them sure what to say.

‘Thanks Mariana. Can you…can you please not tell anyone?’

Mariana rolled her eyes.

‘I thought that was a given, honey.’

Amanda couldn’t help but smile at the offended look on her friend’s face. She had definitely made the right choice in opening up to her.

‘Well, in other news, I think Gary is going to propose at the weekend.’

Just like that, the topic was dropped and Amanda relished in having something else to occupy her mind.

*****

She stepped inside the house, hoping she had time to get dinner ready for when Frank and Gerard arrived home. She had driven home with a new found sense of happiness in her life. Her talk with Mariana had convinced her she was right to follow her heart. She closed the door behind her gently and removed her jacket. It took her a few seconds to realise that she could hear raised voices coming from upstairs. She could distinguish between Gerard’s and Frank’s voice, and it made her freeze in the hallway. Gerard and Frank had never raised their voices like this in all the time she had known them. She ignored the foreboding feeling that shivered down her spine. She took tentative steps towards the source of the noise, which she guessed was coming from the master bedroom. The closer she got, the louder the volume got and the words became clearer to her.

‘…I’m not going to sit back and pretend I don’t see it anymore Gerard, and don’t you dare tell me that it’s not true. You spent the whole fucking weekend moping because she wasn’t there. The thing is, I knew this was coming. I fucking saw it and I just let it happen. I let it happen because I figured that no matter what I would always be the priority. I mean, I was here first, right? Surely that, if nothing else, would mean something. But it doesn’t anymore, does it?’

‘Frank, you’re being irrational! You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about!’

‘Stop LYING!’ The words were roared in desperation and pain, and it made Amanda jump from where she stood outside in the hall.

‘I’m not lying to you Frank. I love you, you know I do!’

‘Do you love me more than her?’

Amanda’s heart stopped beating. It was a question she never wanted to hear the answer to. The answer would only lead to heartbreak and destruction, and once they were uttered they couldn’t be unspoken.

‘Frank, I…don’t make me do this. Don’t do this, please.’

‘It’s a simple question Gerard, and the fact that you won’t answer says it all. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t, I can’t stay here and watch myself get pushed to the sidelines. Eventually you’ll want kids with her - you’ll want the conventional shit you wanted with Lindsey. I don’t blame you, I don’t. But I’m not going to put myself through the torture of watching it happen.’

She could hear the sounds of drawers opening and closing, the rustling of hangers being pulled out of the closet. There were drowned out by the pleading coming from Gerard.

‘Frank please, we can talk about this…Frank stop it, please…just fucking stop and talk to me!’

Amanda felt her body shake and the tears were streaming down her face as she suppressed her whimpers. In all the time she thought about the idea of Gerard being hers, she never once imagined she would hear the strangled cries and pleas coming from his lips as Frank packed his bag.

‘Frank don’t go, you don’t have to do this…’

‘Yes I do. You know it, and I know it. Maybe it’s karma finally coming back to haunt me.’

‘No Frank, it doesn’t have to be this way, it doesn’t, please.’

‘I’ll come by for the rest of my stuff later. We can talk about the house when we get a bit of distance between us…just…I just want you to be happy, okay? Whatever you do, don’t screw it up. She loves you and-‘ his voice broke from the effort it took not to cry.

‘Frank please…’

‘Goodbye Gerard.’

The door swung open, but Amanda couldn’t even flinch from the surprise. Frank’s face blanched when he saw her, stopping him in his tracks for a second before he walked over to her and pulled her into his embrace.

‘This isn’t your fault okay. Just promise me you’ll make him happy.’ He whispered the words in her ear, creating a domino effect on Amanda’s emotions as she began to sob.

‘You don’t have to go.’ She whispered.

He pulled away from her and shook his head sadly, his expression full of pain and regret.

‘Goodbye Amanda.’

He walked past her with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder; her feet were stuck to the ground as she watched him walk down the stairs and out the door. The slam was swiftly followed by the sound of heart wrenching sobs coming from the room Frank had just left.

Notes

Hi Everybody,

Before anyone kills me, this story has two more chapters left. So this is not the end, okay!

This chapter was the most difficult one I've ever had to write, so feedback and thoughts would be appreciated.

As always, I hope you enjoyed, until next time my dears :)